THIS IS WHAT AN ASSHOLE LOOKS LIKE

Roger Dean is the world's biggest asshole, don't ask and just read on. This piece of garbage murdered 11 senior citizens in a nursing home. Dean also plead guilty to causing bodily harm to 8 others during a fire that he caused back in 2011. What bothers me most is that this asshole appeared on television describing his rescue efforts during the blaze. This guy is a perfect example of why you can't judge a book by its cover. Apparently this piece of waste was also stealing prescription drugs from the home.

I wonder how this man went unnoticed for so long, we are talking about a fucking murderer. I think this is the kind of situation that merits a really good investigation. This guy cold not be so good at killing and getting away with it. I am not pointing fingers but I am saying that it's impossible that this guy could get away with 11 murders and setting a fire.

I hope justice is served in this tragic case because a killer should not get mercy.

OSAKA MAYOR

The mayor of osaka made some seriously strong remarks about the sex slave trade recently. The man said that various countries including the US were engaging in the sex slave trade in order to keep up morale. The mayor also said that the various armies were housing the women in brothels created for the men's entertainment. What bothers me about this motherfucker is the level of authority that he used in his statements.

This guy delivered his statements as if they were actual historical fact. There is a lot of classified information that will never known to the public and maybe that's part of it but I seriously doubt it. Would this guy liked it if everyone started talking about the insane sexual practices of Japanese men. I hate to say that but the truth is that there are some serious perverts in Japan.

The man recently apologized but I think his apology was less than halfway sincere simply because when you make a statement like that it's because you are passionate about the subject. I don't appreciate those type of statements because the truth is that it doesn't help anyone. Please mayor do me a favor and  shut the fuck up, in fact don't think anymore.

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA

I watched the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra and I have to admit I was impressed. I was never a big fan of Liberace because I thought he was for old ladies. I remember one of his big selling points was the fact that he was a "confirmed" bachelor and good son. I remember that my grandmother was a huge fan of his. I would constantly hear of his prowess at the piano and his showmanship. Liberace's homosexuality was one of those thinly disguised secrets that you knew was true but was skirted in order to respect his privacy and the old school " keep it in the closet" mentality.

What really stuck out for me was the insinuation that Liberace actually felt liberated after his mother's death. Liberace was considered the top showman of his time given his passion for flash. I think the film did a great job of making sure that Michael Douglas looked over the top at all times. I think that the performance by Rob Lowe as plastic surgeon Jack Startz could not have been more entertaining. The film was a bit of an eye opener because all those old ladies could never have imagined Liberace as an oversexed, depraved, man cougar in sequence.

I guess if you look at the outfits and cars it's not hard to imagine that Liberace was really working in an atmosphere all his own, breathing glitzy air and what have you. Liberace was in a world all his own, making seven or eight million per year when the biggest stars in film and mainstream music were not even close to those types of paychecks. The film does portray a deep insecurity and somewhat perverse nature that was a clear product of his desire to remain young, vital, and appealing. Liberace was one of those entertainers that simply commanded too much attention.

Perhaps what made Liberace so successful was that over the top flamboyance that he added to his spectacular talent for the piano. While I am still not a fan I can say that the film really portrayed multiple sides to the man, which I find fascinating. Liberace was more than his ridiculous outfits and toys, he was a man living in torment to some extent. I think that the film does a great job showcasing Liberace as a bit of a narcissist that wanted to put his "stamp" on everything, including his boy toys.

Ultimately his AIDS related death and all the things that came out about him did not really do anything negative to his legacy as a performer. The film does a great job of building sympathy for all involved. Everything that's negative and positive about Liberace's life seems to enhance his legend. While everyone talks of Elvis Presley's addictions and Rock Hudson's negligence, no one seems to comment on Liberace. Behind the Candelabra is not and overwhelming attack on Liberace's promiscuity, homosexuality, and death but rather a commentary on the over the top nature of his life as a whole.

Today Liberace is a legend known more for his flash than his supreme talents, the film does a great job reminding us of that. While Liberace is a name associated with Vegas lore whose talents are more known to previous generations I think this film re introduces him to a whole new audience. I have vague memories of televised specials and the news of his real cause of death. I'll never share memories of what a good son he was because I did not grow up during a period where he would be a significant participant. I can only really say this, based on his life, his glitzy style, and even what's been reported about him and portrayed in this film, Liberace was no one other than the glitter man that everyone saw on stage. I guess Liberace was too much of a good thing for himself and his public, kudos to him for his  shine.

CAN SUPERMAN EVER REALLY DELIVER?

Now that Man of Steel is coming out it's fair to ask if Superman can once again deliver, as it did once before. I think it's a tall order especially considering a number of factors that have a bearing on the success of Superman. Superman's costume, his attitude and the level of willingness to engage and less than kind practices, all matter. People want to bring up the success of the original 1940's serials and the 1950's series when talking about Superman. In the 1940's the serials actually combined animation with film and while it was a fairly new concept Superman was still a comic book.

The 1950's series with George Reeves did not make use of the source material and as such created fairly self containing stories that were usually resolved within a 30 minute time frame. You flash forward 20 years and you have the late Christopher Reeve taking over the mantle with a film that broke ground. The reason why Reeve's Superman was such a hit was because there were no major releases focusing on comic book characters in the 1970's. Everything marble did was televised and cheap, just look at Spiderman. While DC had a focus on television as evidenced by Batman, and the 1979 Legend of the Superheroes which was extremely campy.

Superman was box office gold because there was nothing like it. When you examine the series of Superman films you realize it was the only superhero attempting to go beyond the comic into an extended story with real conflict. When the 1980's rolled around the climate changed and Superman was considered a relic of a by gone era. While Superman remained strong in comics the idea of another film was not really a consideration until after The Death of Superman became the biggest selling comic book up to that point. For something close to fifteen years a franchise was proposed and Superman once again became the talk of the town, because of lost revenue.

While Superman was a hit on television with Smallville there was talk of a film and that film was finally made. Superman Returns was hailed as the re birth of the man of steel but really it was an attempt to modernize the 1970's series with a similar formula. An unknown actor was brought in to take the role while established stars served as support. Ultimately it was sad to see that the best performance came from the digital re creation of Marlon Brando's cut footage from the original. Superman did not really make it's money back, in fact Superman it lost money. With Man of Steel coming out it's fair to ask if Superman can once again do what it did in the 1970's in terms of the box office.

Man of Steel looks darker and somewhat darker and grittier, like it's trying hard to copy the formula for the new Batman series. The problem I see is that DC still has Superman as the perennially good boy scout that really only works for the government. I know this isn't the fact but I think Superman will be truly successful when it strays from the squeaky clean image of the character into a darker story. As a Superman fan though, I do hope the movie succeeds and creates an opportunity for exploring darker territory.

IT'S OKAY TO BE DRUNK AND A JACKASS

Someone has to be a source of entertainment so why not let it be the resident lush? I love the resident lush because usually he or she has some amazing and incongruent story that has no end and no real beginning. The following is an example:

LUSH: You kno what?

Victim: What?

LUSH: I think that, wooooo

Victim: What?

LUSH: Purple Rain was a great work of Orsinton--

Victim: Prince?

LUSH: Listen, why won't you?

Victim: Yes?

LUSH: The depth of a chubby hot dog like--

Victim: Don't even finish that.

LUSH: It rains (crying) and I'm so lonely because the donkeys are horny

At this point the conversation degenerates into talks of donkey sex and what not. There is the lush who suffers and eats poorly as evidenced in the picture below.

Legendary talentless hack David Hasselhoff showcased his ability to makes a mess while rambling incoherent nothings to his little bitch of a daughter. The Hasselhoff clip was extremely entertaining because it showed the vulnerable side of the legendary Michael Knight.

There is nothing wrong with being drunk and a jackass because the world needs one of everything. Consider yourself the platypus in Noah's Ark. 

LET ME DEFINE PRODUCER MEETING

I remember once I was told that Starbucks was a great place for producer meetings. I was told this by a person who fancied herself a producer and writer but had no actual credit in the industry, unless hidden porn counts. I remember she would tell me about her producer meetings and try to give me advice on networking. I became increasingly annoyed simply because I never asked for advice and did not particularly care for it.

One day she was telling me about a meeting with a well known producer and I decided to ask how she secured this meeting and she responded " he came to Starbucks for coffee." I remember being thrown off and asking her to repeat. The response that I got was that if you sit and wait you can run into people, at fucking Starbucks.

I found that fascinating, because the truth of the matter is that, no matter what she thought, in normal folk world we call that stalking. A producer meeting is when the producer agrees to meet with you to discuss a collaboration. Stalking a person during their morning routine is not really getting a meeting. I remember this woman had some pretty creepy details about various personalities. This is why I go to Barnie's Coffee Kitchen.

THE DANGERS OF BEING TOO ALPHA

We know that an alpha male is the leader or individual with the highest rank. In a pack the alpha male is the one that everyone listens to and stands behind. The alpha male in a douche pack is usually the Vin Diesel looking idiot with miles of empty game and a delusional attitude reflecting what's usually a serious case of micro penis. The alpha male is in charge but when he allows that to go to his head it causes him problems.

If the alpha male becomes too much of an imbecile he tends to just anger people and alienate them to a point where they are absolutely want nothing to do with his crap. The alpha male's inability to control himself usually leads to some sort of ass whopping that leaves the alpha male in a losing state of sorts.

The alpha male is an asshole and often times brainless where the alpha female is usually the total opposite. The alpha female is usually the sensuous, serious and unbelievably assertive. The alpha female of a group is the one that dictates how the estrogen is divided. The alpha female has to be the independent female that makes the man work while making him feel like a little bitch. 

An alpha female will destroy a man's self esteem and keep walking if she finds it necessary. An alpha male doesn't alway have the capacity to keep up with an alpha female because the alpha female is often more mature than the man. An overly alpha female usually ends up lonely and forgotten like an elderly prostitute looking outdated at the bar. 

The alpha individual can lose more through his or her assertiveness than actually gain what he or she is after. Alphas can also be arrogant and a lot like assholes in the sense that not a lot of people like them or want to be near them. When you want to be the alpha remember that not doing it correctly is likely to kill you socially.

AMANDA PLEASE!

It's really sad to see where Amanda Bynes is at these days, especially when you consider she seemed to be so well put together for a former child star. Recently Amanda was caught causing a scene on board a private jet, she was trying to use google as a valid form of ID. What's really sad about this is that Amanda Bynes was one of those child stars that slowly matured and over the balance of her career she seemed to have a firm grip on reality.

Now you fast forward a few years and after retirements, comebacks, DUI arrests and arrests for illegal possession, you have someone mirroring the life of Lindsey Lohan. It's sad to see people with talent waste their potential and their gifts with drugs, alcohol and scandal. Amanda Bynes latest arrest actually reveals that she has a new calling card.

If you ever watched The Amanda Show you'll remember that the final credit of the show would roll with an "Amanda please" voice over, that was the last thing you heard. Her new calling card is " Do you know who I am?" Twice this week Amanda has been quoted as asking people that particular question. Maybe Amanda is asking because she has forgotten who she is or maybe she misses who she used to be.

Amanda Bynes was once touted as an incarnation of Lucille Ball given her talents for physical and wholesome comedy. It's fair to say she's become a cross between Lindsey Lohan and Amy Winehouse and she will more than likely end up like Zsa Zsa Gabor after she slapped an officer in Beverly Hills. While this is a sad situation it speaks to the fact that some people are not equipped to handle success early and at any point.

MISUNDERSTOOD OR ASSHOLE?

I always thought of Jerry Lewis as the funny awkward guy with a whiny voice. Every film he did with Dean Martin and alone up to 1969 made Lewis a staple of comedy. Eventually the Jerry Lewis style of comedy became passe but he was still a mega star. Eventually Jerry Lewis would play someone closer to himself in the film The King of Comedy.

I began learning about the real Jerry Lewis many years after first watching him on film for the first time. Jerry Lewis seemed to be a moody, mercurial, almost arrogant guy. The Jerry Lewis of interviews was a far cry from the weird dude screaming " Nice Lady" and performing physical feats. The fact is that Lewis was actually a creative genius whose ability to write comedy and technical capacity was pretty amazing.

The thing about Jerry Lewis is that he is kind of a jerk and when he says something people usually take it like a sort of controversial comment. Lewis has often said, and he reiterated, that he does not like women in comedy. The comments sounds sexist and almost ignorant given the rich history of women comics. Lewis did state recently that women should not go down to the lowest common denominator, that he doesn't find it appealing. So does Lewis think comedy is cheap and the lowest common denominator? Does Lewis think that women can only be funny if they make the lowest type of jokes? Perhaps Lewis is sexist and believes comedy is a supreme form reserved only for men. It can also be speculated that the nutty professor simply finds comedy to be the plumbers of showbiz.

Perhaps Jerry is afraid of NICE LADIES!!!!

THE UNCANNY POWERS OF A SIMPLE MIND

I am sure you're wondering how the picture above relates to the title of this entry and the answer to that is that it doesn't. The picture made me smile which is why I chose it and I am sure it does the same for you. This is an entry about the simple minded, or as they are known in some circles, the very stupid. How do you define stupidity? One definition for stupidity is " A poor ability to learn or profit from experience." I don't like the word stupidity because it's kind of mean, I prefer simple minded.

The thing is that I admire simple minded people because in some ways they have an easier path to inner peace than people with greater cognitive abilities. The very simple minded do not see every possible complication with daily life. A simple minded person often sticks to one particular source of strength to solve their problems. The simple minded individual believes in miracles and often has a misguided and somewhat annoying view of spirituality.

Spirituality has a million definitions for a million people but for the simple minded it usually means " God will solve my problems because the bible said so." I respect other's right to believe but with the simple minded it's almost innocent and childlike. A simple minded person often sticks to one goal and pursues it blindly without any shame whatsoever, to a stoner a simple minded individual is likely to be the equivalent of a chasm.

The very simple minded can almost seem wise in their very simple approach to life. We are all so complicated by nature that making a situation simple almost seems like the act of a wise man or woman.  If you look at a chimpanzee the first thing you think is " this is a monkey" and a monkey is a simple, strong, agile creature. When the monkey does something like identify a circle we all clap without realizing it was a simple act. The human race is full of chimpanzee like creatures that can identify a circle without necessarily having to talk circumference, radius and all that jazz. We chastise the simple for being below par but we really envy them.

It's fair to assume that even the minimalist philosopher is searching for the peace that comes with a perennially blank slate. The simple mind seems to almost extend life, and no, I'm not saying that old people are stupid. Next time you want to criticize the simple remember that you are criticizing the beauty of a calm spirit and yearning for that very sensation.

WOW, THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE

A man was shot to death while being probed with regards to his connection with the Boston Marathon bombing suspects. This one hits close to home because it happened in Kissimmee, Florida which is not so far rom where I live. I think this incident is going to give life to a whole new set of questions that go beyond the Boston Marathon. This guy was some dumbass, hothead, MMA wannabe that more than likely got into fights in order to impress girls with his Eastern European alpha male musk.

The story itself with regards to the shooting is very shady. It was first reported that he attacked an FBI agent with a knife and later it was reported that details weren't clear. The question will come up very soon as to whether or not this was a case of authorities letting personal feelings get the best of them, resulting in what happened. The description of this man really describes a kind of semi moronic guy with a bad temper and a a loud mouth that somehow did not connect to the common sense switch.

It has been said that the man, Ibragim Todashev, was implicating himself in a triple homicide that took place some two years ago in Massachusetts. I find it difficult to believe that he was someone that could evade authorities for such a long time given his temper. The triple slaying he was implicating himself in was somehow linked to one of the bombing suspects. This is a lose lose for everyone involved because the FBI's ability to conduct an unbiassed investigation will be called into question and that may actually play into the hands of a defense team looking to help the bombing suspect in custody. If the man became violent there were three men there, two of whom were Massachusetts state troopers, he could have been stopped without the use of deadly force.

We as a nation are angry because we were attacked once more. There is anger because these attacks were likely perpetrated by people enjoying our system of democracy, our freedoms and our shores. We are angry but as a nation of civilized individuals we need to keep in mind that when we allow situations to escalate like this one did we are no better than those who attacked us. Two wrongs will never make a right and something tells me that this incident was one of those where emotion over ruled common sense.

WOW, LET'S SET AN IDIOT RECCORD

I read a hilarious article about how some idiot in a rural part of Dade County caught a record setting nineteen foot python and killed it. I find this hilarious because the dude killed the snake in self defense. The man found the snake in some backwoods region and decided to grab it. This idiot is the kind of guy that would probably sniff a horse's ass for the adventure.

I understand that the Burmese Python is damaging the Florida environment but this whole hunting the snake attitude is bullshit. I think there is other ways to control the population of snakes and they shouldn't include encouraging jackasses to shoot snakes. This particular individual was special because after he taunted the snake he stabbed it to death.

I am sure that this double digit IQ loser thinks of himself as an inbred crocodile hunter and it's okay because I guess it's likely he has nothing else in his life outside of the possibility of his pre pubescent cousin. I think that celebrating this is absolute bullshit. I guess such is life as an idiot.

THE DOORS

Every so often a band comes along and it leaves the kind of mark that will outlast the band's actual life. The first band that comes to mind is obviously The Beatles but there are others. One of the other bands that comes to mind is The doors. The Doors were a vital part of the 1960's, their raw edge and angst was a calling card of late 1960's turmoil. From 1965 to 1973 The Doors recorded some truly great albums that reflected something more than the charisma of the legendary frontman Jim Morrison.

From 1966's The Doors, to Strange Days, to Soft Parade, The Doors made amazing music that stood the test of time. Like most great bands with a charismatic lead the Doors would survive for a couple of years after Morrison's passing and cut a couple of records that were far different than their usual fare. With the death of Ray Manzarek the Doors have truly closed much in the same manner as the Beatles were officially done after the death of George Harrison.

The Doors will forever stand out as a classic part of an American period of revolution. While many bands were inclined to commercializing peace the Doors remained a force for that revolution against authority and repression. Yes the Doors are closed but what's behind the Doors will remain a part of the American psyche. I was not around when they were together but I can only imagine how amazing they were and the weight of their impact on that generation that was clamoring for change.

CASABLANCA REMAKE STARS SIGNED UP

It's been a tightly guarded secret but it's now public knowledge in Hollywood circles that a remake of Casablanca is in pre production. The rumor mill has been buzzing with talk of the cast but three stars have been confirmed for the film. Vin Diesel will play the role of Rick while Anne Hathaway will play the role of Ilsa. Chances are that Steve Buscemi will play the role of Signor Ugarte given his eery resemblance to the late Peter Lorre.

There is still a debate as to who will direct, so far the names out there are Michael Bay and Baz Luhrmann. The current script calls for flashy musical numbers and lot's of sequence. They are calling the new Casblanca a classic remake with Guys and Dolls flare. If Michael Bay directs the film chances are that there will be more explosions and some sort of spacial connection that will see the Nazis in the film turn into outer space creatures. It's also rumored that Dwayne Johnson will serve as executive producer given his love of classic cinema. 

It was reported that Diesel will like be paid over 35 million dollars while Hathaway will be paid 22 million. James Cameron is said to have invested 56 million dollars in an effort for some creative control. Multiple sources indicate that Cameron wants to do part of the film in CGI and create an Avatar and Beowulf mix. This project has shaken the foundation of Hollywood's power structure and it's being hailed as the next movie making revolution. 

Hollywood has been struggling to find a way into a new golden age which has been stolen by indie films. With this project chances are that dialogue driven master pieces will become the center piece of Hollywood filmmaking once more. If you have read this far and believe even a third of this, shame on you.

MY FAVORITE INTERVIEW TEMRS

I love getting these emails from career builder with promises of 50,000 for working a few hours from home. What I really love more than anything is the fact that these emails usually have the kind of description that tells you the person crafting the email really worked hard on it. Let me give you an example of said email:

We identified your resume as a potential fit for a rewarding career with John Doe Medical

What we anticipate from you:

           Starting base pay range : between $51,960.00 - $71,900.00/year depending upon experience and work related results
Company benefits: We offer a competitive salary & benefits plan, including medical & dental, 401k & tuition reimbursement
Employment type: Full & Part Time , Work from Home
Must be a U.S. Person.
Must be over 21.

We are seeking professionals that are energetic, driven and inquisitive and who are looking for continued career growth. This person would have to be a highly motivated, self-starter, willing to dive in and get the job done.

Responsibilities will include but are not limited to:
- Work with operations manager to define requirements for operations and ensure that the implementation of new strategies and initiatives to effectively meet or exceed
- Independently solve problems and make decisions for primary and strategic execution and tactical issues within the relevant portfolio of projects and or processes
- Execute continuous improvement measures, especially related to cost, delivery and safety
- Perfom other duties as assigned

Qualifications:
- Strategic Thinking: able to grasp the big picture and think long-term
- Clean and Valid Driver's License
- Effective communication skills ( oral, written, interpersonal)
- Bachelor's degree or higher in related field
- Proficiency with Microsoft Excel, Outlook, PowerPoint, Word, Internet Explorer, and Mozilla Firefox
- Ability to multitask and meet deadlines

If you are a conscientious, dedicated individual and are interested, please write back back to this ad.

If you will read it close it's really amazing how they use their terms. I love how the say " Must be a US Person." I think US citizen is more appropriate and sounds a bit more professional. The next thing that catches my eye is the whole " Strategic Thinking" term. How exactly can a person determine ability to think strategically? Isn't strategic thinking a skill that can only be gaged over time and with practice? If you are working from home why do you need a valid driver's license? When they say able to think long term are they talking six months or are they talking several years? It's sad to think that we are in such desperate times that scam artists create these bullshit ads to target people. 

Next time you see something like this do your homework and make sure to do something to expose this crap because honestly it's all crap.  

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER

I recently discovered that I have over 54 million dollars waiting for me in various parts of the world because numerous members of my family have passed on and left me their fortunes. I am currently trying to figure out what to do with this international lottery I have been so fortunate to win. I mean I could purchase the moon or stock in NASA's solar timeshare program. I always knew I was awesome but I did not realize I was a unique superstar. I am so amazing that a lady offered to give me a fully loaded BMW. The email reads as follows:

Dear Lucky Winner,

We happily announce to you the Draw (Batch #22) of BMW Online Lottery ® held on the 19 April, 2013.Your E-mail Address attached to the Ticket Number: 43566, was picked at random from our computer system. You have won a brand new 2011 Model BMW 7 Series Car and a LUMP SUM OF $ 500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS)

For more information on how to claim your prize, do contact our promotions department via the email below or via telephones, and quote this FILE NO: A87/902/ EH3/ 118/ 308/032, TAG NO:098486 and Ref No: 87276/18-0 as this reference serve as the security key to your winnings, we advice that you keep the reference number to yourself.

PROMOTION DEPARTMENT.

Name: Mr. James Boyd
Email: jamesboyd001@yahoo.co.jp

NB: If you are unable to come to our Branch office in United States of America to claim your won prize, your won prize will be send to your door step through courier servive.

Congratulations!

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Clara Davidson.
Online Coordinator
BMW Lottery Promo.

I have decided that I want my BMW left hanging on the door knob because I am amazing. I will also be given 500,000 United States dollars that I will promptly spend on dinner plates signed by international superstar Pitbull, DALE! I know that people are jealous because all I have to do is give my social security number, bank account, and address. Yes I am awesome because that is all I have to do in order to reap the benefits of hard work. So far I have had the privilege of meeting several prominent Nigerian bankers that have assured me that my information will be kept confidential and my details private. The meetings have been held in the private and secure setting of a custom yahoo chat room and I am proud to announce that these gentlemen have agreed to come visit me when I am incorporating my company known as FERAL INDUSTRIES LLC. Please try to keep your hatred and jealousy to yourself as I am a very important and well know figure in the world of Nigerian investment banking and I need no negativity.

MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

ATTENTION GETTERS

Nothing gets more attention than a badass car, it's almost like the car defines the driver for a split second. There is nothing more badass than a cool movie car. No vintage movie car owner drives their prized possession on a daily basis but when they do it is a something to behold. I love movie cars because they serve as that part of the movie that actually makes you forget all the things you hate about said movie or makes you focus on what you love. There is something to be said for how those cars transferred into television in some cases actually becoming the centerpiece of the show.

One horrible movie whose car became the only bright point was a film known as Corvette Summer. This particular film was released in 1978 and it really centered around some punk kid's infatuation with a Corvette he put his heart and soul into building in a high school class. The kid also becomes tasked with the life of a prostitute designed to be his loving interest. The movie was shit and pretty much stood out because of the mechanical co- star.

Enter Batman's set of wheels into the equation and you have one hell of party. The Batmobile is the essential badass movie car and it stands alone. There has yet to be one single Batmobile, except for maybe George Clooney's metrosexual one, that did not kick ass in a major way. From the original souped up 1955 Lincoln Futura, all the way to the ones designed for the series, the Batmobile is the ultimate fantasy car, attention getter, TV vehicle and movie car. How can you go wrong with a car that has turbines, rockets, parachutes and occasionally  doubles as a plane or cycle?

The Cooper Minis in the original Italian Job were something else. The Minis in that film were an integral part of the movie that helped establish the timeless and rarely altered design of the Mini. While the film itself kind of gives a big fuck you to the viewer with the irresolute ending, the cars became reason enough to make it again with an even cooler Mini scene.

One particularly memorable car was the Lamborghini Countach from the series Automan. Automan was a series widely considered the Tron of TV without as much attempted depth. The car itself was outfitted in such a manner that it actually looked like it was computer generated. While the series was not such a hit, lasting one season, the vehicles were an integral part of the series that really made up for the lack of interesting dialogue. 

I call this entry attention getters because that's exactly what those vehicles were. No matter how complex the story, how simple, how campy, all those vehicles made for essential props that would draw us in and create a story all their own. Often times we were busy wondering what would happen to the car and not so worried about the star. As long as there is that effort into visuals there is always a good chance for some decent entertainment. 

SAVE BACON BACON

In the news today there was in interesting piece about a bacon restaurant shutting down because neighbors were complaining of the smell. This is the type of thing that makes me sad because I love bacon and bacon providers. To me it's a typical case of miserable assholes trying to figure out a way to complain about something that doesn't bother anyone. Bacon is a wonderful thing that makes people so happy and it even lengthens the life of some.

One person showed up to a hearing in order to complain about the place and I can imagine what the person looked like. I bet it was probably some 40' something vegan jackass. I imagine the person had hipster glasses and skinny jeans and wore a shirt that read Black Sabbath 76' and had one of those ascot looking hats. Perhaps the culprit was trying to make love to his left hand when suddenly the smell of bacon made him go flaccid.

I hope Bacon Bacon can survive this ordeal and successfully move forward. The world needs a place to fill its bacon needs. I need bacon burritos, bacon scampi, bacon burgers, bacon shakes, bacon pancakes, bacon everything. Let's ban together and save the bacon with the help of Kevin Bacon. I know I am reaching at this point but hey when dealing with bacon you must go very far.

STARBUCKS, HOME OF THE ASSHOLES

I read that a mother was treated pretty poorly at a Starbucks and ridiculed because she needed to change her baby's diaper. The situation escalated to the point where the woman's husband became enraged which led the employes to calling the cops. I am not really surprised that any of this happened. Starbucks is a lot like candy for assholes in the sense that it attracts people with with serious personality deficiencies.

The typical Starbucks serves as housing for douchebags that like to pretend by taking their laptops and making believe that they are writing the great American novel. There is a percentage of those people with laptops that are legit students but most of the times it's the dude wanting to establish his pseudo intellectual superiority.

The thing is that Starbucks isn't only frequented by douchebags but it's also manned by the worst people in the world. I don't know why but most of the time I go Starbucks I am forced to deal with total assholes. I feel like any request I make is met with total disgust. I don't understand why but Starbucks employs these hipster punks and all of them are so full of themselves. I am shocked at the attitude when all they do is make coffee.

I am glad to know that Starbucks was exposed as a shit hole.

THE KIOSK PITCH

I remember there was a time when going to the mall was fun and enjoyable. I think that the fun I used to have came more from the sense of wonder and possible spoil myself purchases than anything else. Now whenever I go to the mall I feel like I have to duck people whose concept of personal space doesn't really exist.

I love walking by the cosmetic and remote control helicopter kiosks because usually I get singled out in order to be offered the deal of a lifetime. The pitch is always the same with regards to the product. If it's dead sea skin care products you get some sort of offer that usually falls short of the price you were originally quoted. Let me give you an example of the pitch:

SELLER: Hey sir.

Me: Hello.

SELLER: Free sample?

Me: No thanks I'm in a rush.

( Usually you get a girl with a hot name and classy but slutty disposition)

SELLER: Where are you from?

ME: Here.

SELLER: The mall? (Insert slutty playful laugh)

ME: No, the state of Florida.

SELLER: You are brazilian?

ME: Puerto Rican

SELLER: Ever try our Dead Sea Salt for the skin/

ME: Yes i have it.

SELLER: You have good skin but let me show this product, it's made from the scrotum of a monorchid gorilla named Billy Numero Uno. It's good for the skin and sexual virility. You have a girlfriend?

(By now the girl is on you trying to get a rise)

ME: Yes.

SELLER: I bet she likes to feel your skin ( The girl's English is not really great enough to be considered perfect but she is trying hard)

ME: Yes ( I'm holding in laughter and shame)

SELLER: This is worth 1,200 but I do promotion for you for 600 dollars. You get them out of the box and a special kit for the face made with semen from a blue Peacock.

At this point negotiations usually break down because to me that amount of money is ridiculous considering I can get the same products cheaper on ebay. Yes I do take care of myself. I usually try to leave kindly and without incident but that doesn't work seeing as how the person decides to confront me about my reasons for not forking out a house payment on that bullshit.The same thing usually happens with the helicopters and nano massagers. Some seven years ago it used to be hot Brazilian girls giving nearly pornographic massages while dressed provocatively. The lesson here is that you can get felt up without paying while also getting a facial.

GIVING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PUBLIC THING

It's really good to see that Steve Jobs' widow is only stepping into the spotlight in order to push philanthropy goals. Mrs. Jobs has been a supporter of education for the underprivileged for several years and is an advocate for gun control.What I find really great about the story is that this is a private person not trying to draw attention to herself.

I find it abhorrent when people engage in acts of philanthropy in order to draw attention to themselves so this is a nice change of pace. Money does influence and in most cases drive major decisions. To see a person take their fortune and position in order to try and improve the quality of life for those less fortunate is quite refreshing.

Perhaps Steve Jobs' widow will help usher in a new era where giving is once again hailed as an acceptable practice. Good job!

FANATICAL PEOPLE

I consider myself a fairly level headed individual most of the time. I respect people's opinions and beliefs but I don't particularly respect the concept of pushing beliefs onto others. I really dislike that whole concept of " what I believe is absolute and impossible to challenge." To me people that have that view are the very personification of ridiculous fanatics. I have a fascination with fanatical people and their this skin. I mean how in the hell can you go wrong when you challenge the narrow minded fanatic?

The hotest button is religion and it's also the best one to push in order to test the skin of a fanatic. I recently wrote an entry taking aim at a Cardinal banned from the church. I got a lot of comments and most of them were attacking me for not kissing the ass of the good Cardinal. The fact is that I don't kiss ass so much as I like to point out truths. A fanatic does not see reason or valid points beyond their own beliefs.

I love how a fanatic will defend their religion, political stands, and ideas without real base. A fanatic will stick with a narrow minded point of view will until they feel they have convinced you to see things their way. I remember this woman by the last name of Kang calling me delusional. I wonder if she understands the meaning of delusional or if she was actually pick crap out of the dictionary without reading the definition. How am I delusional if I don't see things your way?

A fanatic is a wonderful thing when you think of the entertainment their stupidity provides. I will always enjoy pushing fanatical buttons because frankly I enjoy it almost as much as I enjoy eating shrimp.

LUCKY BRAND WILL SMOKE THE SHIT OUT OF ABECROMBIE ANY DAY

Personally I have never liked Abercrombie & Fitch and I was not aware that its CEO looked like a stretched out dough boy. I am not saying what I'm saying because of the recent controversy started by the CEO''s remarks that his store is not for everyone, I am saying it because Abercrombie's practices are awfully arrogant for a store that really isn't at all cost prohibitive. I love to shop at Lucky Brand Jeans and everything from materials, to stitching to general quality is far superior to Abrecrombie & Douche. Why does lucky band have larger sizes? I would say that Lucky Brand wants to cater to everyone because they know how to do business.

I can't respect a company like Abercrombie when they have this attitude like they are somehow superior and their clothes meant to be worn by a select few. I am assuming Mike Jeffries is targeting that niche anorexia and bulimia market. I say Abercrombie should use crackheads as models since they are so concerned with appealing to the cool. Mike Jeffries himself may be better suited to appeal to crackheads and junkies in general since he himself looks like a fucking cocaine addict. To be totally honest I don't care for a store that has a moose as part of its seal or brand; I much prefer lions and what have you because they look more impressive as logos than does a moose taking a crap.

I remember being in Amsterdam when Abrecrombie opened a store there. I recall that the line was crowded with women that were definitely above a size ten. Is Mike Jeffries aware that Dutch women are bigger? Is Mike Jeffries aware that people in Holland love to eat well? It's obvious that Mike is still tripping on some great cocaine he likely sniffed from the scrotum of a young Abercrombie male model. Seriously people if you are going to buy something, go to Lucky Brand instead of that shitty flannel store. Lucky Brand is a great store and if you go to Millenia Mall or Florida Mall in Orlando you will be treated like royalty. My point is fuck Abercrombie, they suck ass and their clothes are cheap shit anyway.

SPIRITUAL RENEWAL......TOTAL BULLSHIT

I respect people and I respect their beliefs and their right to believe. I do not respect assholes that use the veil of spirituality to rise to some sort of power that only really soothes the ignorant. Enter the Cardinal Keith O'Brien from Scotland who has admitted sexual misconduct and since resigned as archbishop for "spiritual renewal." This is where I draw the fucking line, this man was hailed as a "Prince" of the church. The fact is that the good Cardinal has not specified what his misconduct was and I wonder if it was something related to little boy behinds.

The term spiritual renewal and prayer is absolute shit to me. I bet this guy is going to a beach where he will have a cabana boy named Victor bring him a cocktail in a speedo. I am so tired of this shit and the lack of action from the church. Sanction? This is the term that we are using now in order to refer to a slap on the wrist. I hate the fact that because these men are the so called " agents  of god" they are let off with a slap to the wrist.

The church has become a joke and for a very long time it has proven to be nothing more than a hugely politicized entity serving only in its own interest. I am tired of the church and honestly I am tired of every church because it's all a joke, I defy anyone in any church to establish their perfection. I don't believe in holy rollers because so far the majority of them have proven their flaws to be too great to be able give me absolution and judge me for my sins. Wake up everyone, our so called spiritual leaders are human too and they are just as imperfect but they wield a power we respect way too much.

LAUGHTER

I never really stopped to realize that laughter is actually powerful enough to enrich a person's life. As a child my life was pretty rich with laughter that came from fairly simple sources. I used to love watching Looney Tunes every Saturday and Sunday morning and Different Strokes during the week. Those brief minutes of laughter made me feel overjoyed. I had periods when listening to laughter or being the reason for it also made me feel like life was a pretty awesome proposition.

As I grew older laughter became an academic reaction of sorts, like a twitch. I stopped valuing laughter because I slowly realized that laughter can be lined with evil, sarcasm, sadness, frustration and madness. I went from a simplistic child's view to the jaded view of an adult whose life was full of ups and downs. I never realized that those moments of happiness came from allowing myself the chance to laugh freely and without worry.

It took me a while but then as I started to once again watch black and white television I came to the realization that a good laugh can go as far as restoring a period of self confidence that you can lose during the day. It was incredible to think that by laughing at something fairly clean and simple I could actually turn my days around. We take laughter for granted and even call it a waste of time but what we are really saying is that we have forgotten to be free and comfortable during times that call for relaxation and levity. Next time you want to control your laughter think little and let go. Life is too short for us to stay straight faced and unhappy on a consistent basis.

YOU JUST NEVER REALLY KNOW

A long time ago in a black and white galaxy far away a man by the name of Edward R. Murrow was introducing the world to his new and revolutionary show known as Person to Person. The show made Edward R. Murrow the first real celebrity interviewer and added to his already polarizing legend. The show itself employed remote interviews, which at the time were quite rare. It has been nearly 60 years since person to person first aired and now we have social media to give us our own person to person moments with people we don't really know.

With the advent of Twitter, Skype, Facebook, and many others we seem to have the ability for that person to person feel. The truth is that just like the days of Murrow's show we are living in a time when no matter how open we seem to be there are still secrets that lurk deeply in the closet. In a way the show Person to Person laid the groundwork for social media. The show was proof positive that distance between points could be closed. Murrow interviewed everyone from Fidel Castro to JFK to Marilyn Monroe. Today, nearly six decades later, we seem to feel closer to celebrities, leaders, and groups.

While the secrets that we keep only manage to come out either post mortem or in some dramatic way there is something to be said for the fact that social media was a seedling for so long. Perhaps it's a stretch to connect Murrow to social media but if you really study it there is some sense to that. Murrow was on to something and while it may have long been relegated to the status of a valuable relic it's fair to say it had a serious impact. Next time you see something new don't be surprised if it's what manages to spur a big revolution.

HE MAY BE 75 BUT HE STILL HAS A MIGHTY PIMP HAND

A New Jersey man by the name of James Parham has been accused of running a prostitution ring out of his senior housing complex apartment. It appears that Mr. Parham had four elderly ladies working for that paper as members of the oldest profession's life support wing. I think that it's admirable that Mr. Parham ,whose future plans include breathing, drinking prune juice, and learning how to program his two button remote, would still be fresh enough to run his operation. I can only assume that Mr. Parham's operation was known in the underground as Wrinkled Tunnels Entertainment. To me there is something commendable about someone still wanting to make something of himself and being intelligent enough to carve out a niche market that has yet to be explored in depth, at least here in the states. Who doesn't love an old whore?

I can only assume what the dates were like with the interested Johns. I imagine it was a lot of conversation regarding Obamacare, the latest episode of family feud, and lastly a wonderful sexual interaction lasting about six minutes. I assume the sex was comprised of some sort of denture maneuver followed by a move commonly known as the Ointment Dirty. I hope these elderly people are let off with a warning and a controlled dose of medication.

The truth is that while these old folks screwed up big time they are still old people with little time left, even if 75 is the new 64. How truly threatening can James Parham be to society? This old man is a specialist in human interaction and his ladies are just looking for some limited sexy time. Let's be kind here and understand that sexy time knows no limits and cannot be quantified in any way whatsoever. I say let's all forgive o'l James and commend his go getter spirit by supplying him a lifetime discount at his local pharmacy.

OKAY SO YOU'RE RETIRING, GOOD FOR YOU

I like Barbara Walters because I think she is a great example of a pioneer. Barbara Walters has been a major part of the broadcast landscape for the last five decades and over those five decades she has also become a symbol of American excellence. Throughout her career she has interviewed world leaders, movie stars, rock stars and everyone in between. There is no doubting the contributions of Barbara Walters to the world of broadcasting. When you think about it 20/20 was the Ferrari of magazine shows.

I still think it's a tad bit self serving to start the countdown clock and create a self portrait of sorts. Everyone knows Barbara Walters is a legend that has accomplished what few if any individuals have. Barbara Walters has managed to stay current and on top of the game even though she is 83 years of age. I still think that making the announcement over a year ahead of time is like saying " everyone prepare yourselves please." I would have rather seen the announcement delivered in the form of a press release or perhaps something more significant than that ridiculous daytime show.

I will miss Barbara Walters because for well over twenty five years I have seen her interviews. Barbara Walters made ABC destination television even when ABC was so far behind in the ratings that a safe distance was considered one million light years behind FOX. There will never be another Barbara Walters but then again there will never be another Bozo either, okay bad comparison.

THE CRAZY BITCH STRIKES AGAIN

For every one good thing about social media there are about a million bad things. Social Media has everything from bad youtube videos, to internet MEMES, to stalkers, to rampant death rumors. My favorite is the crazy stalker people. Usually stalkers are sex crazed morons that have never had a girlfriend and want some cyber love. Occasionally a crazy bitch will stalk you and that's when it gets fun.

You may be asking yourself how I know about this and I am going to answer. I have had a crazy bitch stalking me for what seems like an eternity. The funny thing is that her sophomoric and ridiculous behavior is a great example of someone that doesn't really know about stalking. This crazy banshee from the depths of hell loves to say she has died, given birth to my child, and been involved with me for half a decade. I guess being a pathetic soul takes its toll on a crazy bitch.

I have gotten so many blocked messages on my Facebook that at this point I am certain I could write a small book with the title Crazy Bitch and the Guide to Stalking. I don't like the notion of being stalked but at the same time it's sort of funny that I am being stalked by a person that seems to be highly limited in her material. The last message I got from this person was under two fake profiles and both messages stated she had passed away and I was going to pay.

I am sure that if I let my guard down I will likely be stabbed by a host of toothpicks and be forced to ingest a lethal dose of Anacin. I don't take this seriously because life is too short to actually give a crap about crazy,pathetic, feeble minded people with nothing better to do in life.

THE JUICE WANTS TO GET LOOSE

OJ Simpson wants to go back to court in order to prove that he was wronged in more ways than one during his 2008 trial. Simpson was once a football hero and second tier actor that stood out as a superstar of sorts. Everyone will remember the many endorsements that made OJ the kind of star that transcended the football field. While OJ  would never win the ring he had an illustrious career that spanned from 68' to 79' and see him set legendary records on the field.

When you fast forward fifteen years Simpson was living a dream life with eleven million dollars, a mansion, and a set life. The big turning point was the brutal death of Simpson's ex wife and her "friend" Ron Goldman. The juice was put on trial and in the process introduced the name Kardashian to the world and showed everyone that the Bronco was a hell of a vehicle. The trial would span over a year and OJ would be found innocent to a mixed reaction. Everyone felt that Simpson was a clear example of how a celebrity with money could buy his way out of prison.

Many years after being found innocent, and losing a civil trial for wrongful death, Simpson went on with his life. Simpson was living like a rock star in a great Miami home and enjoying infamy as well. In 2007 Simpson would be accused of attempted kidnapping and would be sent to prison and has been there for the last four years. The juice now wants a new trial where he can explain that he was grossly misrepresented and was the victim of bad council, and prejudice.

The sad aspect of this new proceeding is the fact that Simpson is an old, heavy, arthritic man whose life seems to be near an end. Simpson doesn't want to die in jail but the truth of the matter is that given his track record he is not likely to get what he wants. Simpson will more than likely have to serve at least nine years and get paroled for good behavior when he turns 70. Everyone believes Simpson is guilty of murder and the way the evidence points at him it's likely that he is. Simpson doesn't want to pay any dues but unfortunately for him life doesn't work that way.

TIME TRAVEL IS OFFICIALLY GANGSTA

Jay Z has finally mastered everything, I'm sure you're wondering what i mean when I say that.Jay Z was a great rapper, he became a media mogul and now he's mastered time travel. This picture (right) was discovered recently and it reveals a man that looks strikingly similar to the rap Moses. I think it is Jay Z and I believe that he's mastered the art of time travel. Finally some light is being shed on the reality of the entertainment conspiracy.

There is an elite cadre of performers that has been working jointly with the church of Scientology in order to further advance the work of L. Ron Hubbard otherwise known as G of the Krab Nebula. During his travels Jay Z has introduced rap to the etruscans, produced for Sun records and sampled the early work of Louis Armstrong. Ladies and gentlemen time travel is now gangsta.

While I don't actually have any proof of this conspiracy It's nice to speculate. I think this type of "news" item really has nor place in any publication, cyber or otherwise. I think we are really losing track of what's important when we give the ridiculous attention that it doesn't merit. The next item will be the existence of Dr. Who during Jack the Ripper times.

RODMAN: THE ART OF WORM DIPLOMACY

Dennis Rodman is starting to really just piss me off. The guy talks shit like there is no tomorrow in his attempt at worm diplomacy. Since this guy went to North Korea he has been talking endlessly about how North Korea does not really have the desire to go to war with the US. What exactly makes Rodman an expert on foreign policy? I can respect his simplistic view on how things should be done but I think Rodman is forgetting a few things. There is an enormous amount of red tape that accompanies politics and I seriously doubt that Kim Jong Un is really going to listen to Rodman when it comes to matters of international diplomacy.

Rodman is now attacking Obama and frankly this is the part that bothers me. I think that it's commendable that he is trying to go back to North Korea in order to help free Kenneth Bae but the way he's going about it he's coming off like a total jackass. The fact that he talks to Kim Jong Un doesn't mean that Un is willing to do him a solid which would in turn into a PR nightmare for him. Rodman may have the right idea but this is more complicated because there are politics involved. Un has his advisors and they will voice whatever they need to voice in order to Keep North Korea's image as a badass military regime.

Rodman should try subtle instead of making every possible move into a media spectacle because this isn't the type of situation that calls for his press whore brand of entertainment.

THE MORNING AFTER

You ever get that "holly shit feeling" after you connect with a person in an intimate way? To me that is the most hilarious thing in the world, that "oh shit, what did I do?" feeling. I have never gotten that particular feeling because I've never done the hookup thing at any point in my life. I do know people that have done that and it's funny as hell. The facial expressions alone are incredible even after the fact. The big wide eyed look that say " I don't know what I did but I know it wasn't good at all." That look is usually coupled with a question of whether or not someone is pregnant and if there is some manner of herpes involved.

Once the initial shock wears off you wonder what you did and that's even funnier. The questions are usually "Okay so I was drinking and then what?" Then you wonder if your parents know and you wonder what your friends know and who said what to who. The closest I have ever come to that feeling is getting so drunk at one party that I bit walls and made animal noises. I was told that I kicked over a kitty litter box and made a kitty litter sculpture. I think it's a wonderful thing that the cat had yet to establish his territory in said when I decided to kicked the box.

As far as the hookup goes there is that worry that you were left with some sort of dirty funk. The morning after is one of life's wonders so respect it and enjoy it. The morning after happens to almost everyone so please don't hate yourself when you reek of sex and shame.