WORDS ABOUT LOVE

1) Sucks

2) FUCK!!!!!

3) Complication

4) Headache

5) WHAT?

6) Que?

7) Fucker

8) Coño

9) Ay

10) Dale

You welcome for making it totally uncomplicated and easy to get ;)

SEX TROLL UTOPIA

Social media has given birth......to the sex troll. The social media sex troll is usually a shorter, stubby fella with delusions of grandeur. Normally the sex troll will be rounder but he'll be trying hard to beef up. The Sex Troll lexicon will be something of an enigma. Sex trolls are well read, they usually read like twenty pages of Shapkespeare and will use the kind of dialogue that will confuse you enough to think " maybe this is a smart individual." The sex troll will normally be a male that has engaged in the art of chronic masturbation. Sex Trolls are the terrorists of dating because they make together fellas like me look like shit. The following are examples of the sex troll dialogue:

"Women must smell a man's scent"

"I'm gong to harvard in three years"

"I'll give you a Vegas bow tie"

"I'm feeling positive"

" Gotta hit my gym, lift some weights, and write three chapters of my novel " The Great American Chronicle of America."

" I love abstract, cerebral,thinky films."

"We can be friends."

In the end social media sex trolls are killing the twitter, the Facebook, fucking up the linkedin, and decimating tout ( is that still a thing?). Be on the lookout people, be on the lookout!

RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE LIKE THE DEVIL'S JUICE

You may either laugh or hate me after reading this, but life isn't perfect so I'm not really concerned. I think that this current span or generation of time we are living in has really made relationships the devil's juice. I don't know if the devil exists or what kind of juice he drinks but relationship juice may be his preference, or hers.

Relationships are so damn complicated, no matter the situation there is always that friction. The man/woman dynamic is so complex in so many ways. The toothpaste has been squeezed the wrong way, there's some show you can't watch because the bitch host looks too good, the explosion is always literally a second away. I love being in a relationship but the truth is that relationships are hard work. Any little thing you say can, and often times will be used against you in the court of sex, public opinion, and the sewing circle/ book club circuit. So why do it?

I have taken the liberty to point out a few of the reasons why we get involved:

1. Companionship
2. Friendship 
3. The sex 
4. Sharing
5. Caring 

All of the mentioned points are valid but for each to be seen there has to be some sort of hellacious journey. I'm not saying this is the rule but it seems to occur often and it gives me that feeling of "okay. "

Perhaps things will change in the future but until then, devil's juice dammit!

A DAY FOR REFLECTION

I often hear people refer to certain days as days for reflection. I think that the human condition merits reflection every single day should carry a period of reflection. Each day carries 24 hours and only 8 are spent sleeping, not in all cases. At the end of the week we have at least 90 hours we can reflect upon. I'm not suggesting that you grab a notebook and make notes on everything you've done, but using the mind to process a moment in time is a good way to spend idle time. I see Sundays as a good time to do some reflection.

I don't stop to reflect over a 112 hour period, but rather about times that have meant something. I sometimes think of days that shaped me, like my days as a youngster in elementary school. I remember the first time I asked a girl out, what a day. I asked this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said maybe an never anything again. I know that this girl liked me, if she didn't she wouldn't have been such a bitch.

Today is the Sunday I shall take to reflect on why some women are so fucking difficult. The way a woman reacts to you at an early age is a great indicator of how she will react in the future. If a girl says something and acts all weird later, she will play with you. If a girl says something and kicks your testicles, that girl will be the devil without the Prada.


Women are fascinating creations that make this world a better and more interesting place, that's why I love and respect all of them, except for Nancy Grace because I'm sure she hides a penis and testicles. Okay, I have reflected today and I hope I shall be a cleaner and better spirit for it. The chances are likely I'll still be tomorrow, comforting thought, for me at least.

LAUGHTER

I never really stopped to realize that laughter is actually powerful enough to enrich a person's life. As a child my life was pretty rich with laughter that came from fairly simple sources. I used to love watching Looney Tunes every Saturday and Sunday morning and Different Strokes during the week. Those brief minutes of laughter made me feel overjoyed. I had periods when listening to laughter or being the reason for it also made me feel like life was a pretty awesome proposition.

As I grew older laughter became an academic reaction of sorts, like a twitch. I stopped valuing laughter because I slowly realized that laughter can be lined with evil, sarcasm, sadness, frustration and madness. I went from a simplistic child's view to the jaded view of an adult whose life was full of ups and downs. I never realized that those moments of happiness came from allowing myself the chance to laugh freely and without worry.

It took me a while but then as I started to once again watch black and white television I came to the realization that a good laugh can go as far as restoring a period of self confidence that you can lose during the day. It was incredible to think that by laughing at something fairly clean and simple I could actually turn my days around. We take laughter for granted and even call it a waste of time but what we are really saying is that we have forgotten to be free and comfortable during times that call for relaxation and levity. Next time you want to control your laughter think little and let go. Life is too short for us to stay straight faced and unhappy on a consistent basis.

SLEEP, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?

Lately I find myself up at some ungodly hours wondering why my eyes won't close. I thought I had an issue given my addiction to caffeine but that could not be it at all. I stopped drinking soda and anything containing caffeine in an effort to improve my sleep issues but I still fail to close my eyes successfully.
I tried counting sheep but nothing seems to help me at all.

I think sleep must hate my guts or it must love me so much it choses to stay away. I think my relationship with sleep is like an unhealthy coupling of sorts. Sleep is like that girlfriend that is great in bed but frigid most of the time. I call sleep and it's like calling someone that just doesn't like me. When things are okay sleep and I get along well and I have two or three good days but then suddenly I am eating shit again.

I think sleep is a fickle and angry lady that just isn't satisfied with a lobster dinner and some wine. I think sleep wants to take my essence in what I consider to be a ridiculously unhealthy relationship. I can't break up with sleep because I need it and it won't break up with me because it's such a spiteful bitch.

WHY I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE MILKSHAKE SONG

Back about eight years ago there was this song about milkshakes by Kelis. I never really understood the song because I assumed it was a song about a girl owning a diner with a secret milkshake recipe. I thought the song had a catchy rhythm and was great in terms of getting people to go to their yards and start milkshake stands. I liked the fact that the song's video promoted supporting local old time diners and creating relationships as well.

I thought Kelis did a bang up job giving people a good examples of fitness, diners, relationships, and a good life in her video. I would say Kelis created a perfect PSA. I was absolutely positively shocked when I heard that the song was about sex. I questioned myself and others with " How can that be?" I know Kelis is interested in helping the community not letting it down with songs about sex and semen. I was shocked and disappointed that said song was in fact about paying for sexual favors.

Alas I had come to a bitter shock upon closer inspection of the milkshake song. I knew the truth now about Kelis and her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. I never understood it because I was just an innocent youngster of 25 with so much to learn in life.

MY HATRED FOR THE NOSY

I once had a friend who told me that he had a right to ask me a question. I remember feeling like my privacy had been invaded in the worst way. The fact is that that no matter how long you know a person  that person doesn't ever have the right to ask overly personal questions. I think people love to go past their boundaries and the fact is that they should never be allowed to do so. Unrequested advice falls into that category.

Have you ever stopped in a place and gotten the bit of unrequested advice from someone you don't know or care about? I love those moments because they give me the opportunity to say what I feel. I love to express myself differently with people that ask unrequested questions. I remember being in an elevator with about three cases of water. Some idiot asked me " What are you going to do with all that water?" my response was " I plan on taking the bottles and shoving them up my ass." The man's face lost all color and at that point I felt like a million dollars. I will never truly be able to embrace the nosy especially if they are old in age.

Old people seem to be the worst when it comes to the disease of nosy. I think that the older people get more they want to either provide pearls of wisdom or rain shit all over your parade. I love it when some elderly person breaks out into the " Back in my Day" speech. I respect the elderly and I respect advice but more so when I ask for it. The point of this entry is simple, I hate the following things:

1. Nosy People
2. Unrequested Advice
3. Answering Unwanted Questions
4. Back in my Day speeches

I advice that you use your creativity when dealing with the nosy because at the end of the day it's the most fun you will have in a brief period.

WHY I ALWAYS HATED KINDERGARTEN

Life has a way of indicating how it's going to unfold from the very beginning. Right after you come out of the womb you are spanked by some strange man for the sake of opening up the bronchial tubes. The truth is that I have always wondered how that works when the ass serves a purpose not directly related to breathing. Right after you say your first word projectile urinating and pooping while in a public place thus creating the saggy diaper look are no longer looked upon fondly. A few years go by and the comfort zone of the home is shot to hell when mommy decides she wants to re new her career as a circus stylist and you are shipped to a camp with a bunch of snot nose peers whose biggest accomplishment is counting to four and yet they are considered gifted by their parents. Finally you get used to this den of shit known as daycare and you feel good until you become a ward of the state, that's right, kindergarten.

Kindergarten is the biggest indicator of what life will be like. I know that if you have made it this far you are wondering what exactly I mean when I say this. Let's break down the kindergarten science of life. The day you arrived you express some serious hesitation because you are once more out of your comfort zone. The other kids have a specific role that they play because it falls within their nature. One kid is a brat and by process of growth he is also a bully. There is a pretty girl that you are silently interested in but whom you will not acknowledge because you do not want to be a sissy. There is the hot teacher that makes you want to explore your masculinity in the future and there is always the group of three little bastards with a toad like follower whose ass you want to kick. Kindergarten isn't different than life.

In life you have the asshole boss and the lovely girl a step above you. There is that feeling of apprehension the minute something new comes along and oh yes nap time. You usually meet death at some point during Kindergarten and it doesn't matter if it's the goldfish, the snails, or the beloved hamster known as Mr. Nibbles Hamsterington III. The months pass and much as in life you learn about patterns, colors, attitudes, and ultimately you learn about disappointment when you find out you are the tree and not the prince in the play. That's right everyone Kindergarten is a fabrication of our own self delusion. The truth is that as we learn about hand turkeys and Miles Standish we are being prepped for promotions, demotions, and heartbreak.

Would I ever turn back time? FUCK NO!

YOU EVER GET THAT SHITTY FEELING?

You ever get that shitty feeling in the morning? Instead of Batman you feel like Robin. I cant quite explain it other than saying it's one of those things that makes your day almost impossible. In my case those days are few and far in between but when they happen it's like one series of events that just won't end, let's take a walk through those types of days.

You wake up and your back is screaming bloody murder. After you wake up you walk to the kitchen to realize that your orange juice is gone and then on top of that your eggs are not up to par and there is only one slice of bacon left making it impossible to have a solid breakfast. Once the breakfast is over you climb in the shower only to realize there is no warm water left and then you find out that you have 20,000 things to do that were not on the agenda.

Those days are Murphy's Law type days that seem to have a profound effect on a person's life and yet they are funny as hell when seen in hindsight. Holy blank cartridge Batman! I am literally experiencing ED. Okay maybe that's taking it too far but I think you get my point.

TRAVEL STORY FROM A LONG LONG FLIGHT

I love airplanes because they are like cans of sardines full of crazy goodness. To me a flight no matter how long or short is something of an experience. I love to just sit and watch people because I understand that in every individual lies a story waiting to be told. Sometimes that story is really the jerk you are seated next to or behind.

I guess you know where I am headed with this so here it goes. In the plane on the way back to the US I had the misfortune of being seated behind this idiot. The guy reclined his seat so far back that I could barely move. The guy was not only inconsiderate but a total ass as well. This is the type of person that brings his own Coca Cola and leaves the fucking cans under the seat. I was angry but this day and age kicking ass on a plane is not a good idea.

I decided to take the best approach to solving my problem. I saw a kid nearby and realized he was part of a tourist family headed to Disney. I offered the kid twenty bucks to scream "That man scares me" as the asshole slept. I worked out a signal with the kid and was shocked that his parents did not realize the transaction. I waited and waited to make my move. I noticed the asshole was in a deep sleep so I decided to strike with cobra like precision.

I gave the kid my signal and he screamed and started to fake cry and screamed the agreed upon phrase. The asshole was jolted because the kid screamed so loud and then the Flight Attendant requested he put his seat up a little bit. I laughed inside with great joy and jubilation. Ultimately the guy asked me if I was okay with the position of his seat to which I responded " Sure, no problems here." The look of discomfort and embarrassment in his face were well worth the twenty dollars I spent.

IS POLITICS ALWAYS AN APPLICABLE WORD?

By definition the word politics refers to the activities associated with governing a country or area. So when talking about law, policy, and practices it's okay to use the word politics. So why is the word politics used when in real time people go through situations where their back is stabbed, there is discord or major disagreement?

I think that people will use the word because it has a thoroughly negative connotation. I think that maybe over the years people have grown so disenchanted by elected leaders and the creation of laws and policy that unconsciously they use the word as a way to really express their disdain. Truthfully though when one refers to the politics of a business or group of people the word used is incorrect.

When discord and disagreements happen over differences of opinion on performance it does not mean politics, not by definition. I also think that assuming that a company or individual engage in politics because of their own rules is also inaccurate. Politics require a process of debating, lobbying, discussion, and approval where most companies usually have some sort of unanimous agreement on what they want their rules and manner of governance to be. In the end it's okay to use a word that is associated with discord but it's good to know that it really isn't the right word.

Perhaps a better word would be SHIT!

SO WHAT IF I PISSED ON YOUR COFFEE

I have often heard the question "Who pissed in your coffee?" asked to people that I know. I was asked this question very recently and I have to be honest I was somewhat puzzled and decided to research the matter of coffee and urine mixed together.

I did not actually urinate in anyone's cup of coffee because I think that would require phenomenal flow control and accuracy. I do not actually suffer prostate maladies of any sort but still urinating is like rain in many ways, the golden shower is impossible to predict. I did however decide to conduct a highly scientific experiment using the basic scientific method. I hypothesized that pissing in coffee would make anyone angry.

I decided that I would then see if telling a person that their coffee had been urinated upon. In order to accomplish this I decided to go ahead and make coffee with a little flour. I decided to then add a little lemon to it as well. I told my son to try it and the told him I urinated in it. My son was disgusted and looked at my with anger. I laughed and told him that I did not really urinate in his coffee.

I noted that result and realized that pissing in someone's coffee would in fact ruin their day. The lesson is please do not piss on someone's coffee.

Top ten ways to become a reality star

I love to channel surf during my spare time. I see different celeb reality shows in every network. I think the whole idea of "creating" something worth watching is no longer one worth thinking up. I see previews for shows such as,The Jersey Shore, I am a Teenage Whore, 16 and Super Stupid, I did Drugs with a Celebrity and many many more. I have realized that there are ten things you can do in order to have a reality series on the air. I have taken the time to create this neat list.

1. Be a crazy whore with a drug problem.
2. Be a washed up celebrity with a drug problem.
3. Have a sex video and then tell everyone you were coerced, drugged, or did not intend to have it seen by the public.
4. Be willing to expose your way of life but have it made way worst for television.
5. Have some plastic surgery and become a huge jackass.
6. Be willing to do porn, regret it, become an addict and go to rehab.
7. Acuse someone of fathering your child and then turn the raising of said child into a reality series.
8. Have more than nine kids at once and then sue everyone.
9. Become a theatre hopeful and make a reality show about that, I am pretty sure it would be lame.
10. Date Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or any easy celeb and then make shameful declarations in a tabloid. Once you are sued make sure you pitch the case as a possible first season of a show.

There are many more ways to do it but this is my top ten. If you are interested in a reality TV show try any of these little gems and see how they work for you.