MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

EVERY MALL IS THE SAME

Have you ever been to a mall and realized that all the malls in the world are the same? It's funny but it doesn't matter what language you speak or where you are located it's all the same. Everywhere you go there is some Sunglass Hut, H&M, and so on and so forth. What is interesting to me is the fact that every mall in the world has a little bit of everything and it's all the same.

You are in the mall and you see the little boy in the stroller pitching a fit because his mother has been shopping for shoes for over five hours. Another common sighting is the four or five teenage girls that are loud, obnoxious, and stuck in a warp zone of perennial stupidity. Then as you move forward you see the couple that you wonder how in the hell they got together in the first place.

Once you move on to the food court you see the same group of punk teenagers talking some bullshit about girls they want to nail and games of magic. Malls are the common ground for everyone to meet on. The food court has no guest list, stores can't keep you from coming in and cinnamon rolls unite everyone in peace and happiness.

The mall is the United Nations where every individual, big, small, annoying, senseless, and full of shit meet to quietly size each other up. Long live the mall!