SEX TROLL UTOPIA

Social media has given birth......to the sex troll. The social media sex troll is usually a shorter, stubby fella with delusions of grandeur. Normally the sex troll will be rounder but he'll be trying hard to beef up. The Sex Troll lexicon will be something of an enigma. Sex trolls are well read, they usually read like twenty pages of Shapkespeare and will use the kind of dialogue that will confuse you enough to think " maybe this is a smart individual." The sex troll will normally be a male that has engaged in the art of chronic masturbation. Sex Trolls are the terrorists of dating because they make together fellas like me look like shit. The following are examples of the sex troll dialogue:

"Women must smell a man's scent"

"I'm gong to harvard in three years"

"I'll give you a Vegas bow tie"

"I'm feeling positive"

" Gotta hit my gym, lift some weights, and write three chapters of my novel " The Great American Chronicle of America."

" I love abstract, cerebral,thinky films."

"We can be friends."

In the end social media sex trolls are killing the twitter, the Facebook, fucking up the linkedin, and decimating tout ( is that still a thing?). Be on the lookout people, be on the lookout!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

It's been a while since I was on here. I left simply because after a lengthy period of writing you get the feeling that the cycle the world moves in is too damn repetitive to matter. I thought about this for a while and realized that even a repetitive cycle is fun to write about in a few different ways. There are things out there from the hateful Justing Bieber, to Obama, to that stinking shit fucker Oscar " I killed my Hot Girl and Got Away with it" Pistorious. Let's see what I can really get into.

SO, IS IT FULL CIRCLE?

When you write for a living and you do it as a hobby you sometimes get that feeling like you are about to hit a wall. When that feeling comes I think of it as coming full circle. I have done 360 entries and I have an infinite number left and yet 360 is that first full circle. I like to write about current events, entertainment, anything that trends. I like to put a certain twist on everything, simply my opinion. At times I like to get deep and tell stories. I guess I have come to a full circle. Perhaps I will begin to write about things that make no sense.

On seconde thought, fuck it I'll just do whatever the hell I please and see how that works out.

A DAY FOR REFLECTION

I often hear people refer to certain days as days for reflection. I think that the human condition merits reflection every single day should carry a period of reflection. Each day carries 24 hours and only 8 are spent sleeping, not in all cases. At the end of the week we have at least 90 hours we can reflect upon. I'm not suggesting that you grab a notebook and make notes on everything you've done, but using the mind to process a moment in time is a good way to spend idle time. I see Sundays as a good time to do some reflection.

I don't stop to reflect over a 112 hour period, but rather about times that have meant something. I sometimes think of days that shaped me, like my days as a youngster in elementary school. I remember the first time I asked a girl out, what a day. I asked this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said maybe an never anything again. I know that this girl liked me, if she didn't she wouldn't have been such a bitch.

Today is the Sunday I shall take to reflect on why some women are so fucking difficult. The way a woman reacts to you at an early age is a great indicator of how she will react in the future. If a girl says something and acts all weird later, she will play with you. If a girl says something and kicks your testicles, that girl will be the devil without the Prada.


Women are fascinating creations that make this world a better and more interesting place, that's why I love and respect all of them, except for Nancy Grace because I'm sure she hides a penis and testicles. Okay, I have reflected today and I hope I shall be a cleaner and better spirit for it. The chances are likely I'll still be tomorrow, comforting thought, for me at least.

NAPOLEON BATTLES TONY MONTANA: THE COKE HEAD BONANZA

I have heard it said that Napoleon was a coke head. While I don't think  shall ever get any real confirmation on that, it would not surprise me. Napoleon was like Tony Montana, crazy for power and full hubris. Something tells me that Napoleon was the kind of guy that would grease himself up after coking himself up, and attack some house girl. I know this sounds far fetched but if the vatican has been know to have the hidden orgy here and there, why not? Napoleon looked like a little sex freak anyway.

I can imagine a talk between Napoleon and Tony Montana, it would be something like this:

TM: Hey man, you listen to me you little fucking cucaracha

NB: La merde

TM: I got the yayo you mother fucker

NB: Je suis le grande fromage

TM: We do it my way now you little maricon de mierda shit

NB: Je ne parle pas la merde

TM: I fuck you up Im Tony Montana fucking chata

NB: Je aime les vagin et les pénis

TM: I kill you, you want war mother fucker

NB: Je suis un grand cocaïnomane bisexuels

I am sure the end result would be a fabulous scene that would mix Waterloo with the final battle of Tony Montana up in Coconut Grove. I don't find Napoleon so fascinating simply because he was stupid enough to fight beyond his prime. If Napoleon were alive today he would probably be a member of the tea party. It's great to mix fiction along with historical inaccuracy because it provides a lot of material, perhaps I'll write a story about Napoleon in present time.

WHEN I DON'T ASK PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP

Have you ever dealt with a nosy person? Have you ever heard of someone you don't know giving opinions on your life? I have been a recipient of that a few times. I feel like bursting every time it happens, at least I did in the past. Today, whenever I hear unrequested opinions, I laugh simply because said opinions are an example of people's desires to live vicariously through others. Opinionated people are a lot like football dads, in that they all want to get their kids to do what they could not.

I have heard a million people say a million things and, as time passes, I find myself less annoyed by this occurrence. I do understand that it's human to have an opinion, I do think it's annoying to have more than one opinion on the same matter though. My reaction to this particular situation is simply to smile, nod, and think " I can't wait until a horny hippopotamus fucks you right up the ass." I know this is a little bit of a jerk attitude on my part but fuck it, life is short.

THE WISDOM OF AGE

I always had a problem relating to my grandfather. I never knew if he was angry, happy, or what his deal was. The fact is that as he got older he seemed to lose emotion, or the ability to express it. I would often times call him only to feel like I had pretty much wasted my time. As I grew and matured I realized that my grandfather was not really an asshole, he was just a wise old man. It's amazing how when you measure a wise ass to an old wise man there is a huge difference.

My grandfather had a quick sharp mind and was always on his toes. The one thing my grandfather held on to was his mind. I realized that, although he was never my idol, my grandfather knew that with the passage of time there was one weapon that could only improve, his mind. I understand that with age comes wisdom.

I rarely ever see an elderly individual that doesn't use his or her experience to a breathtaking advantage in life. We lose our legs, our muscular capacity, we even lose our looks, and yet it's impossible to lose our minds if we chose it as such. Yes we diminish capacity with age but the mind seems to get stronger in some respects. I will never really be a fan of my mom's father, my grandfather, but I will always respect him for the one lesson he taught me. With our age comes our greatest wisdom, should we accept it.

REMEMBER WHEN WRITERS ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT

I was recently watching my Miami Vice DVD set and wondering what the hell happened to good television. When I was growing up writers actually tried hard to put out a good product. Yes, in the 80's and 90's there were a lot of shows that depended heavily on stale jokes and laugh tracks, but at least they tried. Today I switch channels thinking that TV is simply the prostitute you go to for the sweet release of death.

Right now there are a handful of shows that I give a crap about and I have to pay to watch them. When you think about how many channels there are on television, and what little quality is out there, it's impossible to believe the programming is so stale and crack whore like. I don't care for housewives, whores, celebrity self destruction, or anything on the air today.

Perhaps I am becoming old but at 34 I doubt that's the case. I think that I just can't stand the prostitution of the word reality and the constant lies made to look like regular life. I don't give a shit about pseudo celebrities that lack talent, I could care less about roundtables of nonsense, and I don't give a damn about Jessica Simpson. Someone please dust of the real writers and bring back quality programming please.

MISUNDERSTOOD OR ASSHOLE?

I always thought of Jerry Lewis as the funny awkward guy with a whiny voice. Every film he did with Dean Martin and alone up to 1969 made Lewis a staple of comedy. Eventually the Jerry Lewis style of comedy became passe but he was still a mega star. Eventually Jerry Lewis would play someone closer to himself in the film The King of Comedy.

I began learning about the real Jerry Lewis many years after first watching him on film for the first time. Jerry Lewis seemed to be a moody, mercurial, almost arrogant guy. The Jerry Lewis of interviews was a far cry from the weird dude screaming " Nice Lady" and performing physical feats. The fact is that Lewis was actually a creative genius whose ability to write comedy and technical capacity was pretty amazing.

The thing about Jerry Lewis is that he is kind of a jerk and when he says something people usually take it like a sort of controversial comment. Lewis has often said, and he reiterated, that he does not like women in comedy. The comments sounds sexist and almost ignorant given the rich history of women comics. Lewis did state recently that women should not go down to the lowest common denominator, that he doesn't find it appealing. So does Lewis think comedy is cheap and the lowest common denominator? Does Lewis think that women can only be funny if they make the lowest type of jokes? Perhaps Lewis is sexist and believes comedy is a supreme form reserved only for men. It can also be speculated that the nutty professor simply finds comedy to be the plumbers of showbiz.

Perhaps Jerry is afraid of NICE LADIES!!!!

MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

LAUGHTER

I never really stopped to realize that laughter is actually powerful enough to enrich a person's life. As a child my life was pretty rich with laughter that came from fairly simple sources. I used to love watching Looney Tunes every Saturday and Sunday morning and Different Strokes during the week. Those brief minutes of laughter made me feel overjoyed. I had periods when listening to laughter or being the reason for it also made me feel like life was a pretty awesome proposition.

As I grew older laughter became an academic reaction of sorts, like a twitch. I stopped valuing laughter because I slowly realized that laughter can be lined with evil, sarcasm, sadness, frustration and madness. I went from a simplistic child's view to the jaded view of an adult whose life was full of ups and downs. I never realized that those moments of happiness came from allowing myself the chance to laugh freely and without worry.

It took me a while but then as I started to once again watch black and white television I came to the realization that a good laugh can go as far as restoring a period of self confidence that you can lose during the day. It was incredible to think that by laughing at something fairly clean and simple I could actually turn my days around. We take laughter for granted and even call it a waste of time but what we are really saying is that we have forgotten to be free and comfortable during times that call for relaxation and levity. Next time you want to control your laughter think little and let go. Life is too short for us to stay straight faced and unhappy on a consistent basis.

CHARLIE SHEEN'S POST RECOVERY DR'S APPOINTMENT CIRCA 2011

Dr. Hello Charlie

Charlie Sheen: WINNING BITCH, I have a special forward constitution. I have tiger blood.

Dr.: Yes, you also have Rhinoceros triglycerides and red panda cholesterol

Charlie Sheen: That is winning BITCH, winning.

Dr.: Even better though, you have the hepatic function of an Australian tiger shark.

Charlie Sheen: TIGER BLOOD BITCH!!

Dr.: I am giving you a clean bill of health so you may get back to work.

Charlie Sheen: Chuck Norris is an un-evolved bitch with no tiger blood. I CREATED CHUCK NORRIS. You know my name?

Dr: Charlie

Charlie Sheen: NO, it is ALPHA 3 from the clepton nebula of the evolved Adonis constitution. Later simpleton !

After that Charlie Sheen went on to star in a movie about his life filmed entirely on location in a tibetan monastery starting Justin Bieber and Alyssa Milano with cameos by Richard Gere, Moby, and Mr. T. Charlie's Dr. would retire and work as a freelance professor of veterinary medicine.  The point is you cannot begin to experience the awesomeness of this situation if you do not posses tiger blood.

SCOOBY DOO AFTER 1972!

From 1969 to 1972 Scooby Doo had its glory run. A period of 19 years followed in which there were a good 5 to 6 incarnations of the show and they all sucked. In this day and age of reality television on whorish society let's talk about Scooby in realistic terms. I want to give a new breakdown of what would have happened to them after 1972.

Freddie Jones: The team captain and golden boy of the team. After 1972 Freddie was initially offered parts in American Graffiti, Paper Moon, Corvette Summer and was even offered the part of Han Solo in Star Wars. His demands for high salaries were too unrealistic and he was eventually reduced to guest appearances in Fantasy Island, Highway to Heaven, Emergency, and Falcon Crest. Freddie found himself looking for a new way to make money so he went into politics and ran unsuccessfully for US Congress, and Senate as an independent candidate whose platform was NO MORE OF THE SAME! Fred was disillusioned with politics and showbiz and became a very successful Commercial Real Estate broker. On a personal level Fred had a stormy relationship with Daphne that spanned from 1971 to 1978. Daphne and Fred had one child named William Alfred Jones. Today Fred and Willie are close and Fred and Daphne are on speaking terms. Fred still loves his cars avocado green and has a beautiful collection of ascots. Fred is still in litigation with Hanna Barbera for a his unpaid royalties.

Daphne Blake: Daphne was the sex kitten of the group, beautiful, exotic and fiery. After 1972 she was in a stormy relationship with Fred which spawned a child. From 1973 to 1974 Daphne was a regular on The New Dick Van Dyke Show Daphne was at one point rumored to be the love interest of Richard Dawson, host of Family Feud and her former co star. The rumors were not true as Daphne was famously repulsed by Richard Dawson's lascivious nature. After 1974 Daphne was a popular theatre star and appeared numerous times in "The Carol Burnett Show" and a regular guest on Mike Douglas. Daphne became dependent on painkillers but kicked the habit quickly after a stint in Betty Ford. Through the 80's Daphne focused on her music career, releasing 5 albums, 1 platinum and 4 gold. After her career stalled out in the 90's ad her grunge album "Red Crazy Society" tanked, she took a break. Daphne became an advocate for baby seals along with Brigitte Bardot. Today Daphne still does appearances, most notably in "JAG" and NCIS. Daphne and her son are extremely close and she and Fred maintain a good communication.

Velma Dinkley: "CHINKIES" Velma was the smart though socially awkward one of the group. A skilled writer, spectacular historian, and great conversationalist. Velma was Daphne's less attractive but really "amazing" friend. after 1972 Velma retired to her home in Beverly Hills, Velma was a shrewd investor so she had stashed a fortune in 3 short years. Velma established a clothing line to be sold in Sears, and Puerto Rican chain store Gonzalez Padin. The line was called Simply Velma. After the success of her line Velma wrote an autobiography detailing the debauchery at Hanna Barbera parties. She even detailed the near OD of Elroy Jetson, after leaning that he would no longer be employed if he grew any further. The book entitled " Heavens to Mergatron: Bunch of Asses" was a number one bestseller on the New York Times list for well over 47 weeks. Velma then wrote 5 thrillers, all of them number one. After 1987 Velma took a break and married She had twin boys, Ralph and Mitchell (b. 1988) and one girl, Gloria (b. 1990). After a 2002 divorce Velma has focused on her children and on her multiple business ventures.

Norville "Shaggy" Rogers: Shaggy was the constantly afraid, hungry, marijuana smoker. After 1972 Shaggy had nothing but a roller coaster life trying to focus on his music. Shaggy recorded a 1974 pop album with his girlfriend Josie. The album entitled " True Love" was certified gold. Success was short lived however as Shaggy and Josie split and Shaggy was almost immediately given a DUI. After spending 90 days in prison Shaggy was released to a career in shambles. By 1977 Shaggy had cleaned up his act and was now exercising regularly. In 1978 Shaggy was back in television doing guest spots in Fantasy Island and guest hosting "That's Incredible." Shaggy was on the comeback trail and everything was wonderful until 1982. When 1982 came around Shaggy fell of his bike on the pacific palisades busting up his leg and ankle and finding himself in rehabilitation with a new addiction to alcohol. After a long battle and several DUI arrests, Shaggy was clean and in the recording studio, he wrote many successful songs for Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, and Pearl Jam. Shaggy fathered three kids with his girlfriend Shelly from Jabberjaw fame. Currently Shaggy lives in his Montana ranch raising Black Angus cattle. Hemp is also a big part of The Rogers Ranch as well.

Scooby Doo: Scooby was the perpetually frightened dog. After 72' Scooby Doo became a producer for Hanna Barbera  for 8 years. Scooby produced several shows from Astro to The Herculoids. In 1993 Scooby was instrumental in the sale of Hanna Barbera's catalog to Ted Turner for 394 million dollars. After a brief retirement Scooby attempted to launch his own superstation and after that failure led him to near bankruptcy Scooby found himself producing reality television and in crowded company as one of the many individuals to put his tongue down Paris Hilton's throat. Currently Scooby is attempting to produce a reunion show and a reality show based on the gang from Mistery Inc.

WHY I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE MILKSHAKE SONG

Back about eight years ago there was this song about milkshakes by Kelis. I never really understood the song because I assumed it was a song about a girl owning a diner with a secret milkshake recipe. I thought the song had a catchy rhythm and was great in terms of getting people to go to their yards and start milkshake stands. I liked the fact that the song's video promoted supporting local old time diners and creating relationships as well.

I thought Kelis did a bang up job giving people a good examples of fitness, diners, relationships, and a good life in her video. I would say Kelis created a perfect PSA. I was absolutely positively shocked when I heard that the song was about sex. I questioned myself and others with " How can that be?" I know Kelis is interested in helping the community not letting it down with songs about sex and semen. I was shocked and disappointed that said song was in fact about paying for sexual favors.

Alas I had come to a bitter shock upon closer inspection of the milkshake song. I knew the truth now about Kelis and her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. I never understood it because I was just an innocent youngster of 25 with so much to learn in life.

MY HATRED FOR THE NOSY

I once had a friend who told me that he had a right to ask me a question. I remember feeling like my privacy had been invaded in the worst way. The fact is that that no matter how long you know a person  that person doesn't ever have the right to ask overly personal questions. I think people love to go past their boundaries and the fact is that they should never be allowed to do so. Unrequested advice falls into that category.

Have you ever stopped in a place and gotten the bit of unrequested advice from someone you don't know or care about? I love those moments because they give me the opportunity to say what I feel. I love to express myself differently with people that ask unrequested questions. I remember being in an elevator with about three cases of water. Some idiot asked me " What are you going to do with all that water?" my response was " I plan on taking the bottles and shoving them up my ass." The man's face lost all color and at that point I felt like a million dollars. I will never truly be able to embrace the nosy especially if they are old in age.

Old people seem to be the worst when it comes to the disease of nosy. I think that the older people get more they want to either provide pearls of wisdom or rain shit all over your parade. I love it when some elderly person breaks out into the " Back in my Day" speech. I respect the elderly and I respect advice but more so when I ask for it. The point of this entry is simple, I hate the following things:

1. Nosy People
2. Unrequested Advice
3. Answering Unwanted Questions
4. Back in my Day speeches

I advice that you use your creativity when dealing with the nosy because at the end of the day it's the most fun you will have in a brief period.

THE FAUX PHILOSOPHER

I love people that call themselves philosophers because they profess to have a vast knowledge of everything. I seem to run into people that love to just spew knowledge like sewage and venom. I really enjoy hearing how the sky is not really blue but rather a reflection of our thoughts. It seems like the less you look the more likely you are to find a self appointed philosopher ready to give you some sort gem about life.

My favorite kind of philosopher is the peace, love, and understanding philosopher. This is the kind of person that will write and speak in redundant fashion without realizing it. You hear statements about brotherhood and staying strong and it's usually one load of shit coupled with another load to make a super load. I really enjoy the part about how peace is found from within rather than through outside sources. I have read the thing about peace from within since I could read so every time someone puts it on their Facebook I have to laugh a little bit. Of course the peace, love, and brotherhood person is not
the only philosopher I know.

There is a philosopher that I love to listen to and that is the religious philosopher. There is something special about this type of philosopher that makes me smile. The religious philosopher is stern and stands by his or her nonsensical type principles that really make you examine absolutely nothing at all. I hear words about the existence of a cadre of spiritual unrelated figures and so on and so forth. The religious philosopher will always have a chip on the shoulder because what he or she says not only makes little sense but also it  doesn't have a strong merit base. Philosophers love to share every bit of knowledge that they can and they come in all shapes, sizes and disciplines.

In the end these "philosophers" are nothing more self righteous and insecure morons without any depth whatsoever. I will always enjoy reading the pearls of wisdom from faux philosophers because I need some entertainment to keep myself relaxed and amused.

THE KNOW IT ALL

Ever find yourself dealing with a know it all? I find myself dealing with know it alls quite often and it never ceases to amaze me how people that know it all seem to have that shield against reality. I have multiple examples of know it all individuals and all of them have a deeply entertaining specialty that stands out in terms of their knowledge.

My first know it all is the know it all that cites statistics which have no real merit behind them. I love hearing how 37% of the time people that count to five will count to four twice because four plus four is equal to eight. I love it when statistics that make no sense whatsoever are applied to politics. A person who knows it all will say something like " 40% of the time a voter will vote for a better candidate because 20% of the time said voter will be unhappy with their previous choice." The statistics know it all usually has either a lisp or a horrible personality or both. A person citing statistics with no sense to them and putting them down as the law and rule of thumb is also usually incapable of achieving any sort of erection or sexual satisfaction. I understand that this happens at least 27% percent of the time all the time. As we move on through the journey we make our way to the know it all that specializes in history.

I have heard that Vietnam was an attempt by the US to hide aliens in the city of Da nang. I have heard that the moon landing was shot in a studio and I have heard compelling arguments made for Elvis Presley's current status as a secret CIA agent trying to rid the world of scum. I sit and listen to these theories because when a person states their case there is usually some sort of ridiculous and unproven fact that makes it impossible to walk away. The know it alls that try to talk about history will also say that it is "matter of fact" that while Eisenhower was in a toilet he contemplated a surprise attack on Canada in an attempt to corner the faux bacon market. Of course you cannot leave out the know it al that covers life in general.

The know it all that loves to act like he or she has a handle on zen philosophy is life's all purpose know it all. That know it all philosopher loves to throw out words like agnostic, pagan, vegan, syphilitic, atheist and so forth. What I love about this know it all is that they always have an answer to everything. You can ask this know it all about every subject from botox to douche bags and this person will always have an answer. The general know it all has a response to everything and is a self actualized human being. This person knows more than doctors, lawyers, plumbers, and architects. You can never get into a conversation with this person because you must listen to their wise words. I will now state my feelings with regards to know it all as a way to wrap up my little diatribe.

If you know it all you suffer from the following conditions:

1. Shit personality
2. Inferiority complex
3. Stupidity
4. Lack of social skills
5. Lack of interpersonal skills
6. Fishy taco
7. Erectile disfunction
8. Inability to spell
9. Inability to understand things when they are explained ad nauseam 
10. Bitterness
11. Jealousy

In the end know it alls will always be here in spite of their conditions and inability to see what ridiculous idiots they really are. I am thankful for the existence of know it alls because without them life would be dull and I would not be able to laugh with joy.

THE NEW GEORGE BURNS IS: BETTY WHITE!

Every decade there is a comedian that stands out because he or she manages to beat the clock through laughter. The cool elder statesman of the 1970's was Jack Benny and after him came George Burns. Burns rejuvenated his career in the 1970's after his performance in The Sunshine Boys which garnered him an Academy Award and a legion of new followers that saw him move on to performances in Oh God among other films as well as as the release of a country album. I think that the long lasting nature of these comedians is due to their ability to make people laugh.

The new elder of comedy is Betty White, whose double entendres and grand dame demeanor make her one of America's treasures. What's amazing about how these comedians get to that point is the fact that they creep up like cotton headed ninjas full of energy and youth. Slowly but surely these comedians show why they stand the test of time. Betty White makes up material using current trends like Facebook and vaginas. You have to admire someone that at 91 years of age can make a younger generation crave her work.

Lasting long and staying fresh is a testament to the healing power of laughter but it goes deeper than that. People like Betty White have a quality that draws others, it's the humor and the subtle nature of its delivery. I think it's only proper to say thank you to Betty White as well as her predecessors because without them the world would be a rather dreary place and we would not have certain beacons that remind us of the fact that aging is only a physical necessity.  

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU TRAVEL

The recent seizure of 18 heads at O'Hare airport in Chicago is kind of funny to me. The heads did not belong to victims of crimes rather they were being shipped to Chicago for anatomical research purposes. The fact that this particular development seemed to spur some sort of controversy is rather funny to me in the sense that it's one of those things that would only take place in a film.

The funny thing is that apparently this type of thing happens often and are really rather routine. I can't imagine going into an airport and watching someone drop a bag full of skulls only to diffuse the situation by saying: " It's okay, it's only an experiment." I love the fact that a slightly large container of shaving cream is scrutinized as a possible terrorist attack in the happening and skulls travel freely racking up those frequent flyer world traveler miles.

I guess this particular happening gives new meaning to "Don't lose your head when traveling." This tale has a happy ending as the heads were sent back to rome for cremation. I do believe in happily ever after even if it is a burning skull in Rome.

THE ART OF THE NINJA SNEAKY BITCH

I have been fascinated by ninjas since I was young. To me there were always two types of ninjas, good ones and bad ones. I was thrilled every time I saw a ninja battle in television because it always had some sort of deep meaning behind it. In the 80's two things were hot and they were ninjas and cocaine. I am not sure about the later but hey cocaine was a staple of the Reagan era.

As I grew I began to understand more about ninja lore. A ninja was a mercenary that focused in unorthodox warfare. I guess it's fair to say that ninjas were not really driven by a moral compass so much as a sense of duty and accomplishing things at all costs. Now let's take part of that definition and apply it to a regular non-ninja type person also known as a sneaky person.

A sneaky individual is kind of like a ninja in the sense that you must expect the unexpected. Sure there is an ideal we formulate and yet the ideal is completely different from the actuality. So how does the average individual compare to a ninja ? This is an interesting conundrum that we can break down using common sense.

Let's say you invite someone into your home and they act like they are your best friend. You set the rules in order to avoid any misunderstanding. Let's lay out a top ten for the rules:

1. Don't eat my Doritos.
2. Flush the toilet twice after your poops.
3. Do not leave urine on the tile.
4. Do not create drama in my home. 
5. Do not have sex on the kitchen counter.
6. Do not mess with the cat.
7. Do not put pepper on my dog's genitals.
8. Don't you dare touch the pudding.
9. Do not friend my friends.
10. Do not talk about your foot fetish with the old lady in apt.# 13

So we have a top ten and somehow we want to believe our dear friend is an angel that will follow our rules because hey it's a friend. This assumption is where we fail to realize we are dealing with an artful ninja bitch. It matters not if this person is male or female. At the end of their stay your neighbor thinks you are a foot fetish type freak, your kitchen counter is pregnant, and the pudding has been fucked up beyond all recognition. The bottom line is that a ninja sneaky bitch can and will strike so you must be vigilant at all times. 

DO NOT FALL PREY!