IN MY OPINION

I don't give a fuck about this whole situation, why? Issues like famine, war, and environmental unrest come to mind. People please stop giving the chronically useless so much attention .

WHAT I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING ABOUT.......TODAY

Chances are you are expecting some diatribe with facts and what have you, that's not happening. I'm giving you a top ten, make what you will and enjoy it.

1. Obama
2. Death
3. Kim Kardashian
4. Kanye West
5. Religious Wars
6. Iraq
7. The Economy 
8. Tulips
9. The OJ Trial
10. Hostage exchanges

Have a great Saturday!

BIEBER, BRAZIL, AND THE CONVERSATION

The big news over the last week have centered on the Justin Bieber escapade in Brazil. Bieber was taped sleeping by a "girl" that was "visiting" him. I personally think that Justin is looking for a mother figure because this girl looks like she's got some serious miles on her. I can only imagine what a conversation between them was like.

Justin: Sup girl?

Tati: I have fever in the bieber.

Justin: I'm sad yo'

Tati: I make you happy.

Justin: Yo baby, do something for me.

Tati: Yes?

Justin: Read me a story yo'

Tati: ???

Justin: I like the three bears yo'

Tati: You want I suck you?

Justin: I suck my thumb yo'

Tati: I do nice for you.

Justin: Obrigado bitch.

I think Justin is a sad little clown that wants to get laid and hear fairy tales and that's okay, you only live once. Good boy Justin, you get your lady to tell you stories and whatnot.

THE REAL BLURRED LINES

I guess Marvin Gaye's kids are suing EMI as well as Robin Thicke over Blurred Lines. I'm assuming that the lawsuit is as a result of the resemblance to the song Got to Give it Up. The songs do sound a lot like one another. The truth of the matter is that I don't think Robin Thicke meant to rip off Marvin Gaye. I think everyone sees it like an affront but honestly I don't.

I think that they actually produced that track in an attempt to recapture a sound that has not been heard in a long time. The fact of the matter is that there is such starvation for good music that people who care  will dig in the archives of greatness. The question is, are Marvin's kids suing to get some cash? or do Marvin's kids want respect for their father?

It seems like Marvin's kids don't really have any say on where royalties go since Marvin's catalog is managed by EMI. The lines are not so much blurred by the sound but by the intention to ensure that someone gets paid. I wonder if the Vanilla Ice/Queen/David Bowie thing will come into place here. Well, someone's gonna have to give it up.

ONE IS OLD AND HORNY, THE OTHER IS STUPID AND ALSO HORNY............I SMELL SERIES

I guess Suzanne Somers is a horny lady and that's a good thing. Suzanne stated that she has sex two to three times a day. I think it's wonderful that Suzanne likes sex at age 66. Sex is a wonderful thing and if people had more sex there would be much less war. After her revelation that she loves to give tang to her husband she proceeded to slam Miley Cyrus' claim that sex dies after 40.

What kind of pisses me off about this is that Miley Cyrus is a dumb little whore that knows nothing about life and has no business talking about sex after 40. If Miley is giving it up to anyone that will take it and loving it, that's her business. Where I'm angry at Suzanne Summers is that statement of " I admire what she's doing."

What is it that Suzanne admires? The overly blatant use of sexuality just so that she can get some attention? I'm not really sure that particular trait has any admirability. The fact of the matter is Miley Cyrus can sing and she has an abundance of talent that doesn't call for her to show everyone how well she can accommodate a penis. Miley gets blasted by names like Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor because her talent is being obscured by her prostitute like demeanor.

I think Miley and Suzanne should do a series where they........never mind, too easy.

HASHTAG, POUND SIGN, NUMBER SIGN, TIC TAC TOE, LINES SQUARED

I was watching the Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon hashtag skit and laughing and suddenly I realized that jackassery has run away with society. If you are wondering what I mean, please allow me to elaborate. The number sign has evolved into a way for people to state what their feelings are without actually taking the time to write an articulate sentence. I get it, I think it's cool that we want to be less complicated as a society but # FUCK.

If you want to say you are happy in writing I have a perfect solution and that is writing " I'm happy today" as opposed to # Happy, # Got laid Friday, # Sexomatic. People have actually take to using words that do not exist through the use of the tic tac toe board. I am impressed about one thing though and that is the versatility of this symbol.

Prince, an all time great, was once known as a symbol and yet his symbol did not really last. I think that maybe Prince should have called himself Hashtag, or the currently #Prince, maybe prince would still be selling Purple Rain numbers. I want to pin the use of the hash on every dried up bitch of a high school english teacher # Old Whore, # Killed Shakespeare, # Got the pension.

I remember that abbreviation in writing was a no no back in the day, the problem was that when it happened we were chastised and ridiculed. Now everyone uses the hashtag, I wonder if in the future the hashtag will become a part of # grammar. I think this epidemic, trend, or whatever the fuck it is, may well be a conspiracy between trekkies, and other # never got laid fanboys, to start some sort of space language. I wonder how exactly we would express love with the hashtag in terms of love.

I just don't subscribe # out of touch, # I don't really give a fuck, # hash is a hell of a drug, # hash is in a brownie too motherfucker.

RADIO GA GA..........

I have heard people refer to radio as theatre of the mind. I wonder if the people that refer to radio as theater of the mind are talking about old time radio. Radio today is more like theater for the feeble minded. I was listening to a popular morning show here in Orlando, and honestly the people in that show managed to make me feel like my life was somehow a little less important as a result of listening.

Stars like the arrogant but brilliant Orson Welles are no longer around, there will never be another War of the Worlds broadcast. The radio doesn't make people think, it causes aneurisms due to how many fucking imbeciles are given a platform to speak. There are people that do try, but honestly the people that try are outnumbered by the imbeciles that can work a board. Video did not just kill the radio star, it raped its will to live and sodomized its talent beyond repair.

I thought satellite radio would improve things but honestly it made it worse. Satellite is a paid option, commercial free, for the highly limited to expose their incredibly poor ability. I am reminded of a song by Queen, Radio Ga Ga. Today all you hear in radio is shit and nothing else. Every station plays the same 18 track loop and helps create stars like young prostitute Selena Gomez. Sorry but I will not be hitting repeat, peat, peat, peat, I'll simply pop in an Elvis or Beatles CD.

XANADU

I always wondered what Xanadu meant, as a kid I remember hearing my sister do the whole Olivia Newton John thing when the film came out in theaters. I wondered what Xanadu was, what it meant, what it stood for, I really wondered. Today I started to think about Xanadu again and wonder. Xanadu is a place, the summer capital of Kublai Kahn's Yuan empire. I really wondered, what is about Xanadu?

Growing up in Central Florida I recall a place called Xanadu, the home of the future. Xanadu was made of styrofoam on ballons. The interior was sort of like a Ray Bradbury story, with lot's of computers and looking like a freaking garlic clove full of weird carpeting. Xanadu seems to stan for the ideal state of mind. I wonder sometimes if Xanadu has a bit of an atheist air to it.

I like the idea of Xanadu, a state of mind that can only take you to an area of your mind, a spot of the universe where calm is the ultimate achievement. Xanadu is that state of mind that moves you forward, the part of the soul that just can't be touched. We all long for Xanadu, for that peace and happiness, it doesn't require a set of beliefs. Xanadu is uncomplicated, fun, it's an adventre, the place in our hearts where we need no gods or monsters.

Let's all go to Xanadu and abandon the real world.

THAT TIME I WANTED TO PRODUCE PHAT BEATS

I have always loved music but I know my limitations in so far as making phat beats. I think it takes more than four months of training and the love of shiny clothing to be a phat beats producer extraordinaire. I wanted to test my theory by getting info on a program that offered four months of training for a nominal fee of nearly six thousand dollars. I started by submitting my name in the "name here" spot of the online questionnaire.

I made sure to explain my love of the phat beat online and once I did that, I patiently waited for a call. I decided to engage the person on the other line in a conversation where I spoke highly of acts like Boney M. I recall that the man I spoke to referred to himself as one of the top producers in town and a real strong hand in the business. I got the address to the studio and decided to go on and take the tour.

I began to wonder if this guy was as good as he told me or just someone who carried bags for guys like Ozzy and polished cars for The Thompson Twins and Kajagoogoo, back before Limahl had his breakout one hit wonder rebirth with Neverending Story. I somehow felt that this meeting was going to be a landmark event in my life. When I drove up I saw two solid doors and walked in, knowing that I would be shaken to the core of my very being.

I stepped into a studio that I am sure had been run by Phil Specter sometime in 1964. I saw a few gold records of some boy bands that were made primarily by a scheming fat man. The studio reeked of mothballs and it looked like it hadn't seen a broom or orgy in well over 25 years. I sensed that the equipment was not in tip top condition because the studio had lost its will to live sometime during the drug, sex, and rock n' roll fueled bicentennial of 76.' I realized the studio was like a time machine type place so my visit there made me one of the few individuals to engage in time travel.

I was no longer someone looking to make a phat beat, I was someone making grooves. The great producer showed up and he was a Gary Spivey look alike, except his hair was like a vomit color. The man wore a paisley shirt and had what appeared to be a sort of pencil drawn mustache. This man was not a phat beats maker, this man was a legend. I knew that he could teach me the ways of the Louisiana music Jedi, more commonly known as the Ledi. The meeting was brief but I knew that if I capture this man's mighty genius I would be set.

I would leave my spot in the past far too soon and would find myself disappointedly wondering why my trip had to end. Eventually, after about one minute, I realized that some people are full of shit, but they are intelligent enough to see a jackass a mile away. Music is a form of art that you don't just master in a matter of months or minutes, it takes years. I was told that you just need to know what sounds good in order to produce, bullshit. In order to make something great you have to know more than just one thing. We live in a world full of idiots but there are some that are smart enough to take advantage of others, which is why I can be a producer of phat beats in three easy steps.

THE DOORS

Every so often a band comes along and it leaves the kind of mark that will outlast the band's actual life. The first band that comes to mind is obviously The Beatles but there are others. One of the other bands that comes to mind is The doors. The Doors were a vital part of the 1960's, their raw edge and angst was a calling card of late 1960's turmoil. From 1965 to 1973 The Doors recorded some truly great albums that reflected something more than the charisma of the legendary frontman Jim Morrison.

From 1966's The Doors, to Strange Days, to Soft Parade, The Doors made amazing music that stood the test of time. Like most great bands with a charismatic lead the Doors would survive for a couple of years after Morrison's passing and cut a couple of records that were far different than their usual fare. With the death of Ray Manzarek the Doors have truly closed much in the same manner as the Beatles were officially done after the death of George Harrison.

The Doors will forever stand out as a classic part of an American period of revolution. While many bands were inclined to commercializing peace the Doors remained a force for that revolution against authority and repression. Yes the Doors are closed but what's behind the Doors will remain a part of the American psyche. I was not around when they were together but I can only imagine how amazing they were and the weight of their impact on that generation that was clamoring for change.

TIME TRAVEL IS OFFICIALLY GANGSTA

Jay Z has finally mastered everything, I'm sure you're wondering what i mean when I say that.Jay Z was a great rapper, he became a media mogul and now he's mastered time travel. This picture (right) was discovered recently and it reveals a man that looks strikingly similar to the rap Moses. I think it is Jay Z and I believe that he's mastered the art of time travel. Finally some light is being shed on the reality of the entertainment conspiracy.

There is an elite cadre of performers that has been working jointly with the church of Scientology in order to further advance the work of L. Ron Hubbard otherwise known as G of the Krab Nebula. During his travels Jay Z has introduced rap to the etruscans, produced for Sun records and sampled the early work of Louis Armstrong. Ladies and gentlemen time travel is now gangsta.

While I don't actually have any proof of this conspiracy It's nice to speculate. I think this type of "news" item really has nor place in any publication, cyber or otherwise. I think we are really losing track of what's important when we give the ridiculous attention that it doesn't merit. The next item will be the existence of Dr. Who during Jack the Ripper times.

WHY I ALWAYS HATED MILLI VANILLI

I never liked Milli Vanilli because I honestly could not understand how to German dudes could sound like they came from the depths of Motown. I remember when these dudes first burst on the scene everyone was going crazy. I was only ten in 89' when these guys burst on the scene and I just did not like them. All the girls went crazy for them and everyone wanted to sound like them but even back then I just got the feel that something was off about them.

The dudes were no doubt talented but that soul sound was just not right by any stretch of the imagination. Then I remember the big scandal where they had to return their grammy. As time passed and the story of Milli Vanilli took on a different shape altogether I felt bad for the two of them and I realized why I hated them. I was let down by the fact that they went along with a lie and allowed everyone to believe they were something that they really weren't.

I don't think about it now but back then it just bothered me that these two guys got a spot that they did not earn in any way shape or form. The guys could dance and the one that lived could actually sing. I think they would have been huge if they had actually been willing to put in the work required. I think Rob Pilatus maybe alive today if the whole Milli Vanilli thing hadn't happened. I guess this is what happens when two hapless idiots are given a golden key that they don't know how to manage. It's better to work and be ambitious than to be ambitious and totally ignorant.

WHY I DON'T EVEN GO TO BARS ANYMORE

I love having the occasional beer and maybe even the little peanut bowl that comes with it. Bars were always a good place for people to meet up in groups, have a nice conversation, watch a game and then take off. Today a bar is exactly the same as a meat market. When you park your car you think of what you want, find your place, look around and then move in for some sort of half assed attempt at a kill. Every time people go to bars they go for the same reason, a hookup.

I don't personally like bars because honestly I can't drink in peace. Next to me I always see the annoying drunk girl looking for some form of attention and on the other side there's always that group of jackass, executive wannabe, morons trying to be the cool standout while dancing on tables. The point is that to me bars are no longer a fun place to be and maybe they never really were.

To me nightlife is relative to the person living it. I think bars are in the same vein as clubs because people got away from clubs to try and find peace, now people are doing the same thing in bars that they wanted to do in clubs. I think the situation has always been the same only now it's more obvious. I guess there really is no place where everybody knows your name.

WHY I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE MILKSHAKE SONG

Back about eight years ago there was this song about milkshakes by Kelis. I never really understood the song because I assumed it was a song about a girl owning a diner with a secret milkshake recipe. I thought the song had a catchy rhythm and was great in terms of getting people to go to their yards and start milkshake stands. I liked the fact that the song's video promoted supporting local old time diners and creating relationships as well.

I thought Kelis did a bang up job giving people a good examples of fitness, diners, relationships, and a good life in her video. I would say Kelis created a perfect PSA. I was absolutely positively shocked when I heard that the song was about sex. I questioned myself and others with " How can that be?" I know Kelis is interested in helping the community not letting it down with songs about sex and semen. I was shocked and disappointed that said song was in fact about paying for sexual favors.

Alas I had come to a bitter shock upon closer inspection of the milkshake song. I knew the truth now about Kelis and her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. I never understood it because I was just an innocent youngster of 25 with so much to learn in life.

MC HAMMER IS REALLY.............STILL NOT GANGSTA

I came across a bit of interesting news with regards to everyone's favorite wholesome rap artist, the one and only MC Hammer. Charges were filed against the Hammer because he was caught driving a car he did not own. Hammer was also charged with resisting arrest and suspicion of obstruction. What I thought was interesting was Hammer's tweet, which read: "Thank You to all my friends and supporters. All CHARGES DECLINED. Dropped. Have A great Weekend. #OutOnBail." That last part about being out on bail is what makes me crack up. 

MC Hammer's biggest crimes included parachute pants, a thorough inability to hold on to 47,000,000 million dollars and that video for pumps in a bump. I think it's a reflection of Hammer's desire to still be relevant to send out a tweet like that. I like MC Hammer but frankly he is a part of the 90's that came and went and has not yet generated enough interest for a re cycled new rage. 

First this guy is participating in a live performance of that lame ass song Gangnam Style and now he is trying to look shady. There is nothing shady about this guy because he is too legit, too legit to drive a car with expired tags that doesn't belong to, wait. 

IS FOREVER YOUNG FOREVER TRAGIC?

I was reading some old story about jean Harlow and I got curious. I read up on her life and the tragic circumstances behind her death. Jean Harlow was someone that went through a serious amount of suffering and disappointment prior to hear death at age 26. Years after Jean Harlow another brief but equally mythical figure in James Dean would become a legend more for unfulfilled promise and an early tragic death than his sensational roles in the three films that made him a star. Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley would have that same kind of early end with the magical " What if?" and sadness that surrounds charismatic figures.

Thinking about this figures led me to wonder what is so wonderful about forever young. It seems that the whole concept of being remembered as a young figure that never aged is shrouded in tragedy. Let's go person to person for a second so I can illustrate my point in a manner that makes sense. Jean Harlow was the platinum blond whose performances lit up the screen and made her a golden age superstar.

Jean Harlow's life included three divorces, mysterious circumstances regarding the shooting death of her second husband and a domineering mother. The span of stardom that Jean Harlow had was about six years and her platinum look was created by a supremely dangerous chemical mix that some have credited as helping the deterioration of her health. Jean Harlow died of renal failure and during a time when such an issue could not be avoided let alone treated. The platinum blond was 26 and never had a chance to go further and also develop the kind of life she wanted on a personal level. It's fair to say that while forever young she will be forever tragic. James Dean is similar to Jean Harlow in that his death at 24 was so tragic it made him the icon of icons.

James Dean had a convoluted relationship with his mother, was an outsider in Hollywood and was never able to be with his true love, Italian actress Pier Angeli. James Dean was rumored to have a tumultuous personal life and was more often than not trying to tempt mortality. Ultimately James Dean died in a fatal car crash while on the verge of starting the first film of a new nine film million dollar contract he had signed. James Dean was 24 and at that point had only starred in three films over a one year period. Every time people think of James Dean they think of the red jacket, Rebel Without a Cause, and a spot in the diner located in the boulevard of broken dreams. Marilyn Monroe is a similar but sadder story still.

Through the 1950's Marilyn Monroe was the sex symbol of Hollywood and while she was seen more as a trophy of sorts she became a massive star. Marilyn Monroe was a box office juggernaut whose popularity increased more and more as time went on. On the sad side Marilyn Monroe suffered heartbreak with bad relationships and even sadder affairs. Marilyn Monroe's sadness came through in her performance in the film The Misfits. In 1962 Marilyn would die at age 36 of an apparent overdose. Marilyn was still beautiful, young, and promising at that point. Elvis Presley was the king of Rock n' Roll music, the man that  sang with so much emotion he would make his audiences stir from the first number to the last wave.

Elvis from the beginning was having to fight some sort of battle. When Elvis began to make it in 1954 with That's Alright Mama everyone viewed him as immoral and going against good all American values. Elvis lost his beloved mother while in the army and was surrounded by a bunch of idiots that were only too happy to extract whatever they could. After a painful divorce and a lonely life Elvis would die of a heart attack resulting from his abuse of prescription drugs. Elvis was only 42 and basically lived to feed the urchins that surrounded him like Col. Parker. All of the people touched in this entry were young and could have gone on but were never really afforded a chance at true happiness.

We think of these icons in certain images but the truth is that these icons were people and those images were just brief moments in time that did not encompass their sadness, loneliness, and pain. In the end these people died young and left the image of youth but they also left the definition of tragedy. Forever young really is forever tragic.

BIEBER FEEVER GONE TOO FAR

Worry not Bieber fans as your idol is still the source of much conversation even amongst depraved killers. I must say Bieber Fever has really gone beyond being an STD you get by listening to this generation's version of Paul Anka (google it). I say this because Justin Bieber was the target of a murder plot by some convicts in Las Cruces New Mexico.

To make a long story short I guess one of the killers has a tattoo of the icon on his leg. To me this is an example of Bieber Fever gone too far. Part of the plot was to go ahead and castrate Bieber and his bodyguard Rufus T. Firefly. I wonder if the killers were going to auction the members on ebay. I learned of Bieber Feever while watching Key of Awesome's educational youtube spot on it.

I was not aware of the fact that Bieber Fever could go this far but thank heavens that our idol of idols is safe. Now I say let's move on to more important matters and figure out how the Gangnam Style dude is part of plot to destroy the world through incredibly lame music and horrific dancing.

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ONE HIT VERSUS MULTIPLE

This particular entry is not really about a societally relevant topic but it's one that makes me laugh and even cry a little bit inside. I love 80's music but I hate the term one hit wonder because I think it's really used improperly. Let me go ahead and explain what it is I mean and where I am headed.

VH1 constantly used to air specials about one hit wonders and the usual suspects showed up. The Buggles, Haircut 100, Bow Wow Wow, and yes the legendary Taco. To me al of that made sense because it's not like Taco had a smash follow up to "Putting on the Ritz." The truth is that those were all fun one off songs that everyone could enjoy in a nice 80's disco with a lot of flashy lights and mega amounts of gnarly cocaine in the back room. I always had a massive problem with one addition and that was Gary Numan.

What exactly made Gary Numan a one hit wonder? The song cars is apparently the culprit here. I have an issue when you consider that three years before Gary Numan and the Tubeway Army had a hit with are friends electric and were bringing a dark and edgy style music to the world. The songs like " Are Friends Electric" and "Down in the Park" were new and very innovative.

While none of this is really relevant today it is a part of what shaped real music and switched tastes from genres like producer influenced disco to sound and meaning driven styles of music. I would not consider any of that punk music but still it meant something and it's nice to get it right.