SEX TROLL UTOPIA

Social media has given birth......to the sex troll. The social media sex troll is usually a shorter, stubby fella with delusions of grandeur. Normally the sex troll will be rounder but he'll be trying hard to beef up. The Sex Troll lexicon will be something of an enigma. Sex trolls are well read, they usually read like twenty pages of Shapkespeare and will use the kind of dialogue that will confuse you enough to think " maybe this is a smart individual." The sex troll will normally be a male that has engaged in the art of chronic masturbation. Sex Trolls are the terrorists of dating because they make together fellas like me look like shit. The following are examples of the sex troll dialogue:

"Women must smell a man's scent"

"I'm gong to harvard in three years"

"I'll give you a Vegas bow tie"

"I'm feeling positive"

" Gotta hit my gym, lift some weights, and write three chapters of my novel " The Great American Chronicle of America."

" I love abstract, cerebral,thinky films."

"We can be friends."

In the end social media sex trolls are killing the twitter, the Facebook, fucking up the linkedin, and decimating tout ( is that still a thing?). Be on the lookout people, be on the lookout!

A DAY FOR REFLECTION

I often hear people refer to certain days as days for reflection. I think that the human condition merits reflection every single day should carry a period of reflection. Each day carries 24 hours and only 8 are spent sleeping, not in all cases. At the end of the week we have at least 90 hours we can reflect upon. I'm not suggesting that you grab a notebook and make notes on everything you've done, but using the mind to process a moment in time is a good way to spend idle time. I see Sundays as a good time to do some reflection.

I don't stop to reflect over a 112 hour period, but rather about times that have meant something. I sometimes think of days that shaped me, like my days as a youngster in elementary school. I remember the first time I asked a girl out, what a day. I asked this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said maybe an never anything again. I know that this girl liked me, if she didn't she wouldn't have been such a bitch.

Today is the Sunday I shall take to reflect on why some women are so fucking difficult. The way a woman reacts to you at an early age is a great indicator of how she will react in the future. If a girl says something and acts all weird later, she will play with you. If a girl says something and kicks your testicles, that girl will be the devil without the Prada.


Women are fascinating creations that make this world a better and more interesting place, that's why I love and respect all of them, except for Nancy Grace because I'm sure she hides a penis and testicles. Okay, I have reflected today and I hope I shall be a cleaner and better spirit for it. The chances are likely I'll still be tomorrow, comforting thought, for me at least.

LAUGHTER

I never really stopped to realize that laughter is actually powerful enough to enrich a person's life. As a child my life was pretty rich with laughter that came from fairly simple sources. I used to love watching Looney Tunes every Saturday and Sunday morning and Different Strokes during the week. Those brief minutes of laughter made me feel overjoyed. I had periods when listening to laughter or being the reason for it also made me feel like life was a pretty awesome proposition.

As I grew older laughter became an academic reaction of sorts, like a twitch. I stopped valuing laughter because I slowly realized that laughter can be lined with evil, sarcasm, sadness, frustration and madness. I went from a simplistic child's view to the jaded view of an adult whose life was full of ups and downs. I never realized that those moments of happiness came from allowing myself the chance to laugh freely and without worry.

It took me a while but then as I started to once again watch black and white television I came to the realization that a good laugh can go as far as restoring a period of self confidence that you can lose during the day. It was incredible to think that by laughing at something fairly clean and simple I could actually turn my days around. We take laughter for granted and even call it a waste of time but what we are really saying is that we have forgotten to be free and comfortable during times that call for relaxation and levity. Next time you want to control your laughter think little and let go. Life is too short for us to stay straight faced and unhappy on a consistent basis.

THE WAY TO HANDLE A JACKASS

Have you ever noticed the pseudo intellectual air of people that lob thinly veiled criticism? To me it's a thing of beauty witnessing people attempt to flex the thought muscle. I have been through that so many times, getting that unrequested and unwanted piece of shit advice. I love to just sit back and listen just so that I can pick out the twenty little mistakes in the advice itself. I have lived that and dealt with it since the day I realized I wanted to become a writer. I will never cease to be amazed by people giving their opinions with regards to everything that they know nothing about.

When it comes to people giving unwanted and unrequested advice and criticism I have come up with a ten step plan and the plan goes as follows:

1. Sit
2. Listen
3. Pay close attention
4. Allow yourself to go to a place other than the one you are in mentally
5. Count 25 sheep 
6. Think about your favorite food
7. Think about your favorite show
8. Think about your favorite movie
9. Think about your favorite muppets character 
10. FART!

Nothing clears a room and ends a conversation you don't want to have more effectively than a lethal fart. It doesn't matter the distance because farting is the universal language of discomfort. Yes, thats the way to handle it just fart until you feel a weight has left your body. Maybe this doesn't work for you in principle and perhaps it won't work in practice but it's still worth a shot. 

MY HATRED FOR THE NOSY

I once had a friend who told me that he had a right to ask me a question. I remember feeling like my privacy had been invaded in the worst way. The fact is that that no matter how long you know a person  that person doesn't ever have the right to ask overly personal questions. I think people love to go past their boundaries and the fact is that they should never be allowed to do so. Unrequested advice falls into that category.

Have you ever stopped in a place and gotten the bit of unrequested advice from someone you don't know or care about? I love those moments because they give me the opportunity to say what I feel. I love to express myself differently with people that ask unrequested questions. I remember being in an elevator with about three cases of water. Some idiot asked me " What are you going to do with all that water?" my response was " I plan on taking the bottles and shoving them up my ass." The man's face lost all color and at that point I felt like a million dollars. I will never truly be able to embrace the nosy especially if they are old in age.

Old people seem to be the worst when it comes to the disease of nosy. I think that the older people get more they want to either provide pearls of wisdom or rain shit all over your parade. I love it when some elderly person breaks out into the " Back in my Day" speech. I respect the elderly and I respect advice but more so when I ask for it. The point of this entry is simple, I hate the following things:

1. Nosy People
2. Unrequested Advice
3. Answering Unwanted Questions
4. Back in my Day speeches

I advice that you use your creativity when dealing with the nosy because at the end of the day it's the most fun you will have in a brief period.

THE NEW GEORGE BURNS IS: BETTY WHITE!

Every decade there is a comedian that stands out because he or she manages to beat the clock through laughter. The cool elder statesman of the 1970's was Jack Benny and after him came George Burns. Burns rejuvenated his career in the 1970's after his performance in The Sunshine Boys which garnered him an Academy Award and a legion of new followers that saw him move on to performances in Oh God among other films as well as as the release of a country album. I think that the long lasting nature of these comedians is due to their ability to make people laugh.

The new elder of comedy is Betty White, whose double entendres and grand dame demeanor make her one of America's treasures. What's amazing about how these comedians get to that point is the fact that they creep up like cotton headed ninjas full of energy and youth. Slowly but surely these comedians show why they stand the test of time. Betty White makes up material using current trends like Facebook and vaginas. You have to admire someone that at 91 years of age can make a younger generation crave her work.

Lasting long and staying fresh is a testament to the healing power of laughter but it goes deeper than that. People like Betty White have a quality that draws others, it's the humor and the subtle nature of its delivery. I think it's only proper to say thank you to Betty White as well as her predecessors because without them the world would be a rather dreary place and we would not have certain beacons that remind us of the fact that aging is only a physical necessity.  

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU TRAVEL

The recent seizure of 18 heads at O'Hare airport in Chicago is kind of funny to me. The heads did not belong to victims of crimes rather they were being shipped to Chicago for anatomical research purposes. The fact that this particular development seemed to spur some sort of controversy is rather funny to me in the sense that it's one of those things that would only take place in a film.

The funny thing is that apparently this type of thing happens often and are really rather routine. I can't imagine going into an airport and watching someone drop a bag full of skulls only to diffuse the situation by saying: " It's okay, it's only an experiment." I love the fact that a slightly large container of shaving cream is scrutinized as a possible terrorist attack in the happening and skulls travel freely racking up those frequent flyer world traveler miles.

I guess this particular happening gives new meaning to "Don't lose your head when traveling." This tale has a happy ending as the heads were sent back to rome for cremation. I do believe in happily ever after even if it is a burning skull in Rome.

THE ART OF THE NINJA SNEAKY BITCH

I have been fascinated by ninjas since I was young. To me there were always two types of ninjas, good ones and bad ones. I was thrilled every time I saw a ninja battle in television because it always had some sort of deep meaning behind it. In the 80's two things were hot and they were ninjas and cocaine. I am not sure about the later but hey cocaine was a staple of the Reagan era.

As I grew I began to understand more about ninja lore. A ninja was a mercenary that focused in unorthodox warfare. I guess it's fair to say that ninjas were not really driven by a moral compass so much as a sense of duty and accomplishing things at all costs. Now let's take part of that definition and apply it to a regular non-ninja type person also known as a sneaky person.

A sneaky individual is kind of like a ninja in the sense that you must expect the unexpected. Sure there is an ideal we formulate and yet the ideal is completely different from the actuality. So how does the average individual compare to a ninja ? This is an interesting conundrum that we can break down using common sense.

Let's say you invite someone into your home and they act like they are your best friend. You set the rules in order to avoid any misunderstanding. Let's lay out a top ten for the rules:

1. Don't eat my Doritos.
2. Flush the toilet twice after your poops.
3. Do not leave urine on the tile.
4. Do not create drama in my home. 
5. Do not have sex on the kitchen counter.
6. Do not mess with the cat.
7. Do not put pepper on my dog's genitals.
8. Don't you dare touch the pudding.
9. Do not friend my friends.
10. Do not talk about your foot fetish with the old lady in apt.# 13

So we have a top ten and somehow we want to believe our dear friend is an angel that will follow our rules because hey it's a friend. This assumption is where we fail to realize we are dealing with an artful ninja bitch. It matters not if this person is male or female. At the end of their stay your neighbor thinks you are a foot fetish type freak, your kitchen counter is pregnant, and the pudding has been fucked up beyond all recognition. The bottom line is that a ninja sneaky bitch can and will strike so you must be vigilant at all times. 

DO NOT FALL PREY!

GOTTA LOVE OLD ASSHOLES

So I was at London's Gatwick Airport and after making it through the series of lines required to take me to the gate I was en route to the actual gate itself. When I stopped at the line for the gate I encountered a man that was at least 700 years old and reminded me of everything I hated about my childhood.

This old man was unhappy, unkempt, wrinkled all to hell and reeked of awful ribbon candy. As I moved on to show my passport the man saw it was not signed. I was carrying a new passport so it was an honest oversight. The man asked me if I had ever been witness to any terrorist activity. I was shocked by the question so I responded with an emphatic "NO." The old bastard continued to ask me bullshit questions and I continued to answer.

I was asked if I harbored illegals in place of residence as well as if I had ever been convicted of rape. I decided to tell him the Chunk story from The Goonies because he was really pissing me off. The old man stopped me angrily and told me to move on and be less suspicious next time. I told him to try wearing Old Spice to a party full of hookers. I am sure he did not hear me as I mumbled the insult in an attempt from being arrested.

The point of this rant is really just if you are old please do not be an asshole and if you are an old asshole do not work in an airport.

THE PROFESSIONAL AND THE TOURIST

Upon his trip to Amsterdam a young tourist decided he would walk through the cobblestone streets of the historic city. The young man marveled at the canals, passing ships and historical feel of Amsterdam. There was somehting simply amazing about the city that could not be explained .The young man found himself a tad disoriented as night fell fast.

As this young man had never before gone to Amsterdam he found himslef in the historic red light district. The youngster was innocent and naive and was not aware of the fact that you could smoke great mind enhancers legally as well as meet ladies of professional extent in this place. Granted in the whole of Amsterdam it is legal to smoke happy cigarettes.

The young man entered a "pool hall" and requested a brownie, a cigarette, and a glass of 2% milk. After a good thirty minutes the young man was high and so very happy. Walking through the narrow streets of the red light district the young man caught the eye of a hooker with a heart of gold. The name of this gorgeous hooker was Barbie G, yes it was Barbie G. The young man knocked on her glass door and said " Hello, I am lost, cold and confused." The gorgeous hooker said " For sure you are a tourist."

The young man requested milk and some chips. Barbie did not know this was an actual request for milk and chips so she attempted to position herself for a Sanchez type maneuver. The shocked youngster said "Please I am hungry and thirsty." The young hooker served him a glass of milk and spread Nutela on some bread. The two seemed to start a great friendship that eventually turned into a great hooker Cindirella and Prince Naive story.

The young hooker and tourist would marry and have well over 12 children with lovely Nordic names. The tourist would become a lauded politician and professor while his wife would become a fierce women's rights advocate.

The moral of the story is simple: We can all be pimps and hookers but we're not all honest about it though.

TOODALOO BABIES!!!!

LADY IN THE PASTRY SHOP YOU ARE A BITCH!

I seem to have the best luck for attracting the worst people in bakeries and pastry shops. Most recently I was in a roadside pastry shop in Amsterdam where I was interested in enjoying a delicious treat filled a lemon cream of some sort. The place was full of life and wonder and it was near a lovely skating rink with a christmas tree in the middle. I loved the fact that the pastry was layed out in such a crisp manner that it almost looked like a work of art.

I ask for the pastry and this horrid bobine bitch yells at me "What do you want?" I responded nicely and she just put my pastry in a bag sort of like a prom night dumpster baby of some sort. I was really angry but I held the juices in and just smiled. I thought "well maybe she is having a bad day."

After days passed I went back to the same spot and the bitch attended to me again in similar fashion. The thing is that this has happened to me multiple times in different places. I am tired so from this point I want to state that if you work in a bakery, or pastry shop, or even a cheese shop and you have an attitude you can seriously go fuck yourself.

Thank you, that is all for now.

TOP TEN PETRAEUS EMAIL ADDRESSES

With the latest scandal in Washington surrounding the good General Petraeus I wonder who exactly was his email provider. I will go with Gmail given the new privacy rules for Gmail. Having gotten that out of the way I decided to compile a list of possible emails for the good General and they are:

1. Generalsexy@gmail.com
2. Hotholsterdady@hotmail.com
3. sexbomb@gmail.com
4. petraeuspapichulo@att.net
5. iraqsexpistol@aol.com
6. huevosgrandes@gmail.com
7. sexears69@gmail.com
8. lamangueramagica@gmail.com
9. spywiththegoldeneye.gmail.com
10. hotstuffwiththerightstuff@cia.gov

I am positive that the good General had a way to express his ability to really captivate his biographer with not just tales of heroics but also descriptions of his "field" capacity. Alas we shall never know but who the hell cares? It's fun to testiculate, wait I mean speculate.

ON THE SEVENTH DAY HE SAID BAZINGA!

Okay so there is a lot to be said for the intricate points regarding religion. Die hard true believers live and die by the statements that they read in the bible. I was taught while attending a private catholic grade school that the bible was written over a period of close to two thousand years. Then there are the revised editions of the bible. Of course there are the people that ride around the bicycles with the helmets and ties and they do the green thing along with all that religious love.

There is the scientific approach to creation which refers to the Big Bang Theory as opposed to the whole seven days thing. So it all boils down to what you chose to believe if it's science or the presence of one all powerful figure that can seemingly do everything in order to create or destroy life. Then of course there is the whole calendar thing that has the world ending in a month or so.

Science makes a strong point especially if you look up the Miller- Urey Experiment conducted in 1952. If you look at things objectively then there are unexplained events that lean to the possibility of an all powerful entity. Within that level of objectivity you have to also wonder what it's like when factoring for other religions. It's all funny really especially when while looking up the Big Bang Theory there is more on the TV show than there is on the actual scientific theory.

Let us all look at it this way: On the seventh day he said BAZINGA and the world and the universe around it was created.

LET THEM ALL GO TO HELL EXCEPT CAVE 76

So Tuesday is the big day and everyone is making the dash for those last minute votes. Every member of team Obama is canvassing the undecided part of the populous. Recently I was the target of a canvas fella that looked like a deer in the headlights. Everyone from the ramrod, tea party, GOP is making that glorious run in order to illustrate Mitt's "Magic Math Method."

I want to throw a wild card out there and see who's with it. I would like to propose a massive write in movement for an unlikely candidate. I am sure that this will not work out but if I stick with it for the next four years it may pick up steam. I say let's write in The 2000 Year Old Man. Yes I am aware that this is a fictional character but come on people.

The 2000 Year Old Man comes from a society where all people lived in caves. If we all lived in caves imagine how much we would save on utilities. I also think that we can all create our own anthems much like the 2000 Year Old Man's anthem. Let them all go to hell people, I think it's brilliant to start this movement.

So for the good of the nation let us say "Let them all go to hell except for the 2000 Year Old Man."

The Honey Boo Boo Factor of the Election

Yes peeps I am going into this uncharted political hotbed known as the Honey Boo Boo factor. I realize that CNN won't touch it, Rupert Murdoch won't tap it, Fox won't spin it, and Reuters won't dream of writing it. I will take the risk though because this is vital to our forthcoming election.

There is a factor know as "The Honey Boo Boo Child" that will likely determine who gets elected come November. The three debates made a draw given the varying moods of the combatants so now it's up to America's champion, our favorite paint size porker Honey Boo Boo Child to settle this mess.

In the latest episode of Honey Boo Boo there was a great deal of confusion as to who would get the endorsement. The family went on Twitter, launched and Instagram campaign, and even downloaded sound bytes on the Myspace in order to request everyone pray that the child chose wisely. Of course the child had to consult her oracle otherwise known as the grocery man in order to make a decision that would benefit our country.

While on Jimmy Kimmel this wisest bovine chose Maraca Obama (her words) because Mitt Romney chose to endorse Snooky (insert political pun here). Today however there is a different tide based solely on  major political and economical reform factors. Honey Boo Boo must consider how her rise in cholesterol, blood pressure, and triglycerides will be treated with the current healthcare reform or plans for further reform under Romney. There is also a consideration in terms of planned parenthood and abortion as Honey Boo Boo Child's family encourages underage and irresponsible conception. Lastly there is one reform that will be key for Boo Boo to endorse.

Pageant reform to allow portly children a shot against kids that look like they are being trained as future hookers or pedophile bait. If more funding is allowed for jr. liposuction, tummy tucks, and purchases for insanely expensive and tacky dresses then all our little vapid kids will have a shot at being less substantial in terms of education, intelligence, and common sense. This reform will also permit mothers immunity from claims of abuse and vicarious living. There is also a 35% tax credit that will allow some kids plastic surgery vouchers.

Yes people our next four years are up to Honey Boo Boo and her announcement. Chances are you won't understand it as English does not seem to be their first language but it will mean something. Please remember that Honey Boo Boo loves you.

The Flatbread is the Metrosexual Quesadilla

Yes I am really going into this territory and you may ask why so here goes. I did not start partaking in flatbread until about seven years ago when I was the beneficiary of an accidental addition to my order at my local chapter of Crispers restaurant. I thought of the flatbread as a cracker with multiple chunks of goodness spread all over.

I looked at it for a second and harkened back to my first ever quesadilla experience. I have always been a loyal and devoted follower of the quesadilla. While I enjoyed my flatbread I began to look at it like people that drink Mr. Pibb look at Dr. Pepper. To Mr. Pibb drinkers Dr. Pepper is a pretentious soda with some sort of entitlement given it's educational superiority. I viewed this flatbread as a sort of asshole quesadilla.

The flatbread is neat and everything is presented in a manner that makes you think twice before eating it. The flatbread is also presented in a plate that compliments its shape and dimensions which are typically flat and rectangular. The quesadilla is a stark contrast to the neatness and inflexibility of the flatbread.

The quesadilla is chunky, large, and served in a round plate. The quesadilla is accompanied by sour cream, salsa, shredded lettuce and guacamole. When you eat a quesadilla you know you are eating something not meant to be seen and marveled at. I guess this particular differentiation does not represent a quandary for those that love food and will eat anything.

In order to better reconcile this situation I look at the flatbread as the metrosexual quesadilla. I understand they have different origins but food is food and in the end it all looks the same.

Fuck you Interviewer

So I am sure you are wondering why such a harsh tittle for a blog and if you will allow me the courtesy of a read I will gladly elaborate. I hate interviewers as a general rule of thumb because they are idiots. I know it sounds like a generalization but follow my logic on this.

In most job descriptions they say that you need to have a personality that needs to bleed from your teeth. Your smile has to be such that the person must by blinded by your teeth's mother of pearl finish. What I think is funny about this whole mess is that usually the person interviewing you has zero personality. When they ask you questions they don't even bother to make eye contact and top of that their questions are barely audible. I love the fact that the questions they ask are the same no matter the interview. I have decided to make a list in order to illustrate and it reads as follows:

1. Give me an example of a time in which you took a leadership role
2. Give me an example of a time you made a mistake and had to correct it
3. What is your biggest strength?
4. What is your biggest weakness?
5. What are your hobbies?
6. Who do you look up to the most?
7. What is your biggest accomplishment? 
8. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
9. Have you ever tipped a cow on its side? (Just checking to see if you are paying attention) 

I remember I was at an interview with the William Morris Agency and the guy interviewing me was looking down at his desk making hand motions likened to those of someone with a nervous condition. Never go into an interview with any sort of doubt or feeling of desperation. I recommend you go with head high and eyes level because chances are the idiot asking the questions is nothing more than an awkward simpleton with a tight rod up the ass. 

When the Shit Hits the Fan (DUCK)

   I have always loved the expression "when the shit hits the fan" but the only mystery behind it is what do you do when said fecal matter hits aforementioned cooling device? I have thought about this not long or hard but thought of it nonetheless. Let us think of this in a different scenario so we may understand how it works. We will begin by assuming that a monkey has become angered and decided to prove a point. The monkey with all his intelligence and power proceeds to start flinging feces at an industrial fan. Given the strength and potency of said fan, the feces of certain powerful consistency manage to lodge themselves in the blade.
  It's obvious that you leave the room because the feces have simply caused a commotion by virtue of ill smell. I also believe that a lose crap flinging monkey is far more interesting anyway. So when the shit hits the fan you duck as a universal response to said issue. You duck simply because you don't know the fecal consistency or the fan strength so better safe than crapped on. Remember that when poop and fans are concerned you duck, no matter the situation. If the issue is a matter of everyday where the poop is a metaphor for a difficult situation you may face you should remember not to act like a jackass.