IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Some strange shit is going on and I'm starting to think there is a universal conspiracy. Bruce Jenner is singing Dude looks like a lady, and the Golden State Warriors broke Lebron's heart winning their first championship in like forty years, CONSPIRACY I SAY! Some white woman is pretending to be black and being hailed a hero, conspirators afoot! Lastly Dr. Huxtable has apparently raped half of America, for shame CONSPIRACY!

Okay it's not really a conspiracy but I wanted to say or write that word because it amuses me so, have a nice day.

TOP TEN BRUCE JENNER FEMALE NAMES

Now that Bruce Jenner has discovered he is a girl I have taken it upon myself to come up with possible names for him. The list reads as follows:

1. Kimberly Jenner Saggy Tits
2. Kanyeonce West
3. Beyonce Z Kardi
4. The World's Ugliest ho
5. Atletica Mamando
6. Armanda La Wango Tango
7. Jannay Wheatie 
8. Deca Jones
9. America Vaginalis
10. Fanny Brittany Martinez Johanson 

These are some possibilities, good luck Bruce, hope they bronze your balls and put them in the Smithsonian. 

THE JUICE WANTS TO GET LOOSE

OJ Simpson wants to go back to court in order to prove that he was wronged in more ways than one during his 2008 trial. Simpson was once a football hero and second tier actor that stood out as a superstar of sorts. Everyone will remember the many endorsements that made OJ the kind of star that transcended the football field. While OJ  would never win the ring he had an illustrious career that spanned from 68' to 79' and see him set legendary records on the field.

When you fast forward fifteen years Simpson was living a dream life with eleven million dollars, a mansion, and a set life. The big turning point was the brutal death of Simpson's ex wife and her "friend" Ron Goldman. The juice was put on trial and in the process introduced the name Kardashian to the world and showed everyone that the Bronco was a hell of a vehicle. The trial would span over a year and OJ would be found innocent to a mixed reaction. Everyone felt that Simpson was a clear example of how a celebrity with money could buy his way out of prison.

Many years after being found innocent, and losing a civil trial for wrongful death, Simpson went on with his life. Simpson was living like a rock star in a great Miami home and enjoying infamy as well. In 2007 Simpson would be accused of attempted kidnapping and would be sent to prison and has been there for the last four years. The juice now wants a new trial where he can explain that he was grossly misrepresented and was the victim of bad council, and prejudice.

The sad aspect of this new proceeding is the fact that Simpson is an old, heavy, arthritic man whose life seems to be near an end. Simpson doesn't want to die in jail but the truth of the matter is that given his track record he is not likely to get what he wants. Simpson will more than likely have to serve at least nine years and get paroled for good behavior when he turns 70. Everyone believes Simpson is guilty of murder and the way the evidence points at him it's likely that he is. Simpson doesn't want to pay any dues but unfortunately for him life doesn't work that way.

KARDASHIANS ARE LIKE A CANCER THAT WON'T GO AWAY

I am sure you are wondering why I am writing another Kardashian hate entry. The truth is that I am wondering that myself. Perhaps I am trying to start a grassroots boycott of America's favorite trash. The fact is that these people continue to get attention for being trash, they don't contribute anything worthwhile to society. Kim makes porno videos, shows her ass, and doesn't do anything that takes real talent. Bruce Jenner acts like the ridiculous has been he really is with his horribly mangled face and 1976 olympian haircut.

The latest Kardashian press disaster centers around the fat, tattooed moron known as Rob. Rob is a fucking idiot that has done nothing useful ever at any point during his life. Rob was charged with battery and theft after an altercation with a female paparazzi. How classy of Rob to steal camera equipment from a girl.

Seriously I wish everyone would take the blinders off and look for things that are useful to society. The Kardashians are like a damn cancer that just won't go away. Let's all get together and act as Kardashian chemotherapy so the disease may stop spreading.

THE NATALIE WOOD CASE

There is always one news story that seems to stay with the public. It does not matter if it's death or for that matter some fluff piece about a rogue granny with a heart of gold. One such case is the story of Natalie Wood's death by "accidental" drowning in 1981. Natalie Wood was one of America's all time beloved stars whose death sent shock waves not only through show business but really through the world. Today the case of her death has reached what I would consider almost mythical proportions.

As of today, three full decades later, her death remains shrouded in mystery given the events that took place prior to the discovery of her dead body. There was always a suspicion that she was allowed to die by her husband, actor Robert Wagner, after a heated argument involving beloved cowbell superstar Christopher Walken. Recently the case was re- opened as new allegations of fowl play as well as the nature of the argument surfaced giving this story a new life.

Now the cause of death has been ruled as "undetermined" given the condition of her body when it was found. Multiple individuals have attempted to point a finger at Robert Wagner as the reason behind her death. The truth is that the Natalie Wood case will never be solved no matter what evidence comes out. Christopher Walken will never talk and Wagner will always maintain his innocence in the matter.

After 31 years this case is one that will remain a mystery because no actual account can remain accurate  and there is no evidence of struggles, fights, or foul play. When the only thing you hear is that there was alcohol involved and no one seems to really have a clear account you can only say "what could have happened."

I don't think that re-opening the case will get this case closer to being solved and changing the cause of death does nothing but arouse the interest of a new generation of novices that are tired of gossip about the Kardashians and the talentless crop of celebrities getting attention for everything other than a respectable body of work.

OH NO, KIM KARDASHIAN WILL CAUSE A WAR!

Kim Kardashian's recent visit to Bahrain caused an uproar and countless protests of all sorts. I am guessing that in Bahrain they don'tappreciate reality television. I guess I am having a hard time understanding the whole reasoning behind this. Is the protest because of her giagantic behind? I think the problem may be the store Millions of Milkshakes.

The truth is it's a ridiculous protest and while it came from hardline Islamic protesters it's still a clear waste of time. Kim Kardashian is not really a significant enough figure to merit this kind of attention. I see the scenario playing out in a manner that will affect the world landscape and it looks like this:

1. Millions of Milkshakes will likely become a strategic military stronghold.
2. Hardliners will take it over in order to express their distress.
3. Bruce Jenner will organize diplomatic talks with leaders of the opposing organization.
4. There will be a conflict needing the aid of the Seacrest/ Rob Rob alliance.
5. After 3 days there will a cease fire and finally the conflict will end.
6. * You can see all of this on the next episode of Kim International: Ass on the Hop.

The world really needs to evolve beyond a giagantic ass with little to no talent.

HONEY BOO BOO BASHING VOLUME DEUX

Okay so today I found myself wanting to write and feeling empty in terms of material so I decided to go after my favorite target. At this point you are probably wondering who or what that would be and, you guessed it, I hate the Honey Boo Boo. Why do I hate this show so much? Why does this portly little tub of Southern homegrown biscuit butter just piss me off? These questions are questions that I have asked myself in a manner worthy of Darwinian examination. What I mean by this is that Honey Boo Boo makes a person weak with ignorance and herself manages to survive without being the fittest.

Let me start with how sick I am with the concept of dressing young girls like experienced, tax paying, Nevada hookers. I also have a profound distaste for the way that her family conducts itself. These humble backwoods banjo players really love the burping and armpit games. My next and quite logical question is: Why play burping bonanza in front of a kid whom you want to be the next Miss America? (insert snide comment here....PLEASE!). I love the fact that occasionally they subtitle the shows because these people have the worst English.

I don't like this little girl because she is an annoying version of piglet. If I was to liken her to something I would say she is bastard child of Ms. Piggy and one of the other pigs from the "Pigs in Outer Space" sketch in the old Muppet Show. I think that Honey Boo Boo is more than likely going to be like a regional version of the Kardashians. I think that Honey Boo Boo will more than likely marry a single A baseball player with very low self esteem and triple A dreams.

You go Honey Boo Boo and be the Southern Kardashian you were meant to be.

Why does anyone care?

I often wonder why some people create idols that don't really merit the attention. Every so called "A" lister that makes a living off reality television is given entirely too much credit. It seems to me that realistically we will give anyone attention provided they give us fodder. I think it's sick and stupid, I mean truthfully why do people talk about the curvy Kim Kardashian? I guess the answer is "we've seen her ass in action." So my question is does that make our society better?

There is a 10 million dollar wedding on television and everyone watches only to hear about the divorce 72 days later. Hooray for the institution of marriage looking like a meaningless marketing tool for the career of a talentless woman. As we watch and continue to talk about this meaningless crap kids are starving to death, women get beaten up by abusive men, women die of breast cancer because they can't afford the treatment. Hooray for spending 10 million dollars in some meaningless ceremony that did nothing to making the world a better place.

What really bothers me is the idea that this is the kind of thing that society is looking at but when the commercials featuring starving children comes on they change the channel because we have to check out the latest reality TV train wreck. Now everyone that claims to be a little more informed is looking at Herman Cain and the restaurant 69 policy he has been accused of (double entendre). I got news for the informed AIDS is still an issue, did you ever think about finding out how you can help quell that particular epidemic? I just thought i'd throw that out there. So why does anyone care? I think it's because there is this sick fascination with people of no substance. It's almost appealing to look at an AMTRAK wreck as it's taking place. It's sad but the good news is that society still has a chance and there's always a little hope no matter what the situation.

Top ten ways to become a reality star

I love to channel surf during my spare time. I see different celeb reality shows in every network. I think the whole idea of "creating" something worth watching is no longer one worth thinking up. I see previews for shows such as,The Jersey Shore, I am a Teenage Whore, 16 and Super Stupid, I did Drugs with a Celebrity and many many more. I have realized that there are ten things you can do in order to have a reality series on the air. I have taken the time to create this neat list.

1. Be a crazy whore with a drug problem.
2. Be a washed up celebrity with a drug problem.
3. Have a sex video and then tell everyone you were coerced, drugged, or did not intend to have it seen by the public.
4. Be willing to expose your way of life but have it made way worst for television.
5. Have some plastic surgery and become a huge jackass.
6. Be willing to do porn, regret it, become an addict and go to rehab.
7. Acuse someone of fathering your child and then turn the raising of said child into a reality series.
8. Have more than nine kids at once and then sue everyone.
9. Become a theatre hopeful and make a reality show about that, I am pretty sure it would be lame.
10. Date Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or any easy celeb and then make shameful declarations in a tabloid. Once you are sued make sure you pitch the case as a possible first season of a show.

There are many more ways to do it but this is my top ten. If you are interested in a reality TV show try any of these little gems and see how they work for you.