SEX TROLL UTOPIA

Social media has given birth......to the sex troll. The social media sex troll is usually a shorter, stubby fella with delusions of grandeur. Normally the sex troll will be rounder but he'll be trying hard to beef up. The Sex Troll lexicon will be something of an enigma. Sex trolls are well read, they usually read like twenty pages of Shapkespeare and will use the kind of dialogue that will confuse you enough to think " maybe this is a smart individual." The sex troll will normally be a male that has engaged in the art of chronic masturbation. Sex Trolls are the terrorists of dating because they make together fellas like me look like shit. The following are examples of the sex troll dialogue:

"Women must smell a man's scent"

"I'm gong to harvard in three years"

"I'll give you a Vegas bow tie"

"I'm feeling positive"

" Gotta hit my gym, lift some weights, and write three chapters of my novel " The Great American Chronicle of America."

" I love abstract, cerebral,thinky films."

"We can be friends."

In the end social media sex trolls are killing the twitter, the Facebook, fucking up the linkedin, and decimating tout ( is that still a thing?). Be on the lookout people, be on the lookout!

WHY TRENDING NEWS ARE JUST TOTAL SHIT

The image above shows Paris Hilton's brother Conrad, an apparent douchebag that may get to do some hard time due to a tantrum he threw on a flight. The little cocksucker called everyone peasants and scared little kids, he also apparently attacked flight attendants. I'm assuming his issue stems from having to DP his sister's sex vids (double entendre). What's funny is that while this is a news story worth noting given the serious nature of the incident, it was his sister's name that was trending. Way to take one for the team Paris, we love you and hope you never die.

RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE LIKE THE DEVIL'S JUICE

You may either laugh or hate me after reading this, but life isn't perfect so I'm not really concerned. I think that this current span or generation of time we are living in has really made relationships the devil's juice. I don't know if the devil exists or what kind of juice he drinks but relationship juice may be his preference, or hers.

Relationships are so damn complicated, no matter the situation there is always that friction. The man/woman dynamic is so complex in so many ways. The toothpaste has been squeezed the wrong way, there's some show you can't watch because the bitch host looks too good, the explosion is always literally a second away. I love being in a relationship but the truth is that relationships are hard work. Any little thing you say can, and often times will be used against you in the court of sex, public opinion, and the sewing circle/ book club circuit. So why do it?

I have taken the liberty to point out a few of the reasons why we get involved:

1. Companionship
2. Friendship 
3. The sex 
4. Sharing
5. Caring 

All of the mentioned points are valid but for each to be seen there has to be some sort of hellacious journey. I'm not saying this is the rule but it seems to occur often and it gives me that feeling of "okay. "

Perhaps things will change in the future but until then, devil's juice dammit!

YOUTUBE MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY

I know you are probably thinking that I am insane and some sort of walking contradiction. I have often maligned the existence of the very stupid for the sake of inspiring arguments on current societal folly. I am extremely satisfied by the innocently stupid as opposed to the purposely stupid. The innocently stupid genuinely don't understand how terrible are and they entertain us with their naively ridiculous brand of foolishness.

Take the legendary public access host Diddlee Squat, I say legendary simply because he was pretty clueless and he was an obvious pervert that enjoyed a $4.95 pancake meal followed by an alley blow job from an old whore. Then there are dudes who really feel that they are special like the white rapper dude that wanted to be in MTV.

I think it's funny how this guy closes his vide by thanking MTV for listening to him, news flash champ they did not listen, in fact they pissed on your tape during an orgy with the a couple of sexy brazilian dancers from Rock in Rio. Youtube is a wonderful way to relax and look at life with a smug sense of righteousness because for every bad day there is some delightfully ignorant jackass making everything better through a major lack of self awareness.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CANDY?

I wonder what happened to halloween, I was talking to a colleague about how not so long ago I was a at a party and these kids showed up without costumes, just backpacks for the purpose of collecting candy. The kids just showed up and had this attitude of entitlement, which made me angry and it made the alcohol I consumed almost boil over. Still I wonder what happened to our traditions.

Halloween is the slutty costume stop, where fantasies leave the bedroom and creativity hits the graveyard. I don't mind the slutty costumes because they are a form of eye candy, and halloween is about getting candy. I do still feel like we lost something, halloween is not so much about the tradition of dressing up and knocking on doors anymore. I guess I may just be going through a " Those were the days" phase.

Oh well, happy slutty halloween to everyone, may the alcohol, weed, and candy be plentiful to all.

ONE IS OLD AND HORNY, THE OTHER IS STUPID AND ALSO HORNY............I SMELL SERIES

I guess Suzanne Somers is a horny lady and that's a good thing. Suzanne stated that she has sex two to three times a day. I think it's wonderful that Suzanne likes sex at age 66. Sex is a wonderful thing and if people had more sex there would be much less war. After her revelation that she loves to give tang to her husband she proceeded to slam Miley Cyrus' claim that sex dies after 40.

What kind of pisses me off about this is that Miley Cyrus is a dumb little whore that knows nothing about life and has no business talking about sex after 40. If Miley is giving it up to anyone that will take it and loving it, that's her business. Where I'm angry at Suzanne Summers is that statement of " I admire what she's doing."

What is it that Suzanne admires? The overly blatant use of sexuality just so that she can get some attention? I'm not really sure that particular trait has any admirability. The fact of the matter is Miley Cyrus can sing and she has an abundance of talent that doesn't call for her to show everyone how well she can accommodate a penis. Miley gets blasted by names like Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor because her talent is being obscured by her prostitute like demeanor.

I think Miley and Suzanne should do a series where they........never mind, too easy.

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY..........................

I was reading an article about Jerry Sandusky's belief in his innocence. I think it's freaking funny that this guy actually believes he is some sort of saint. This guy loves young, supple butt and loves to give butt mentoring for kids. Sandusky is scum and his sudden "discovery" if God is funny as shit. People love to discover God the minute they fuck up. Pedophiles are pathetic and hateful individuals whose wolf in sheep's clothing attitude is beyond hateful. I hate Sandusky and I don't understand why he wants out of jail when he can engage in horseplay with naive young killers.

Sandusky is an asshole and no matter what letters he writes, he is still shit. What happened in Penn State is unforgivable and quite frankly this guy deserves to rot. I am sure that the letters Sandusky is getting are coming from up and coming pedophile looking to make an impact in the pageant and locker room circuit.

I think that Sandusky's story is one that will continue to be an interest piece. Perhaps Jerry will appear as Honey Boo Boo's Uncle Basement Feeler. I see Sandusky as one of those assholes that will likely become a media darling, a sort of poster boy for pedophile recovery. This guy reminds me of Sgt. Hatred from the Venture Brothers cartoon. Jerry, go pray, and please shove a shiv up your ass.

THE MORNING AFTER

You ever get that "holly shit feeling" after you connect with a person in an intimate way? To me that is the most hilarious thing in the world, that "oh shit, what did I do?" feeling. I have never gotten that particular feeling because I've never done the hookup thing at any point in my life. I do know people that have done that and it's funny as hell. The facial expressions alone are incredible even after the fact. The big wide eyed look that say " I don't know what I did but I know it wasn't good at all." That look is usually coupled with a question of whether or not someone is pregnant and if there is some manner of herpes involved.

Once the initial shock wears off you wonder what you did and that's even funnier. The questions are usually "Okay so I was drinking and then what?" Then you wonder if your parents know and you wonder what your friends know and who said what to who. The closest I have ever come to that feeling is getting so drunk at one party that I bit walls and made animal noises. I was told that I kicked over a kitty litter box and made a kitty litter sculpture. I think it's a wonderful thing that the cat had yet to establish his territory in said when I decided to kicked the box.

As far as the hookup goes there is that worry that you were left with some sort of dirty funk. The morning after is one of life's wonders so respect it and enjoy it. The morning after happens to almost everyone so please don't hate yourself when you reek of sex and shame.

WHY I DON'T EVEN GO TO BARS ANYMORE

I love having the occasional beer and maybe even the little peanut bowl that comes with it. Bars were always a good place for people to meet up in groups, have a nice conversation, watch a game and then take off. Today a bar is exactly the same as a meat market. When you park your car you think of what you want, find your place, look around and then move in for some sort of half assed attempt at a kill. Every time people go to bars they go for the same reason, a hookup.

I don't personally like bars because honestly I can't drink in peace. Next to me I always see the annoying drunk girl looking for some form of attention and on the other side there's always that group of jackass, executive wannabe, morons trying to be the cool standout while dancing on tables. The point is that to me bars are no longer a fun place to be and maybe they never really were.

To me nightlife is relative to the person living it. I think bars are in the same vein as clubs because people got away from clubs to try and find peace, now people are doing the same thing in bars that they wanted to do in clubs. I think the situation has always been the same only now it's more obvious. I guess there really is no place where everybody knows your name.

WHY I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE MILKSHAKE SONG

Back about eight years ago there was this song about milkshakes by Kelis. I never really understood the song because I assumed it was a song about a girl owning a diner with a secret milkshake recipe. I thought the song had a catchy rhythm and was great in terms of getting people to go to their yards and start milkshake stands. I liked the fact that the song's video promoted supporting local old time diners and creating relationships as well.

I thought Kelis did a bang up job giving people a good examples of fitness, diners, relationships, and a good life in her video. I would say Kelis created a perfect PSA. I was absolutely positively shocked when I heard that the song was about sex. I questioned myself and others with " How can that be?" I know Kelis is interested in helping the community not letting it down with songs about sex and semen. I was shocked and disappointed that said song was in fact about paying for sexual favors.

Alas I had come to a bitter shock upon closer inspection of the milkshake song. I knew the truth now about Kelis and her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. I never understood it because I was just an innocent youngster of 25 with so much to learn in life.

THE INTERNET AS A PERSON

Have you ever wondered what the internet would be like as a person? I think given the vast array of knowledge and connectivity in the web it would be something like Archie Bunker in that it would e full of knowledge that's not always useful, more than a little racism, a lot of narrow mindedness and more than likely a massive asexual nature that would almost completely forbid it from reproduction. I am fascinated by the internet for so many reasons.

None of use can give the internet a physical appearance whatsoever. The internet could be a sexy woman, a fat man, a Nigerian scheme artist looking to spread your family's wealth to you since a horrific plane crash or a dog. We don't know what it looks like but we can give it some shape. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have the internet over for dinner?

I imagine the internet would provide great conversation and an occasional anecdote concerning some unimaginable sexual act involving a bottle, a french tickler, a blender and two different types of orange juice. Then there is the internet's growth into relationships and possible proliferation of the family persuasion. I know I mentioned the internet as asexual but I can imagine an internet child. I think the internet would likely marry Forgy Network, a petite girl in the communications industry.

I imagine the internet would name his first child My Space whilst the second far more gifted and charismatic one would be known as Facebook and a third with the ability to assimilate would be known as Twitter. The internet would disown My Space for being completely lame while watching Facebook marry off to Jennifer Instagram Epstein while Twitter would struggle in a long term live in relationship with Pinterest Long that just won't go anywhere due to Pinterest's one dimensional views and narrow minded nature.

The Internet would never retire and work the same way Fidel Castro has, blocks of eternity. Chances are that the net would run for political office and end up taking the world in some sort of misinformation coup that would employ vast amounts of ignorance from followers. I think that the film TRON pretty much gave it all away as far as the internet goes.

Lucky for us the internet is not a person with said capabilities of taking over the world, or is it?

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HELL

I have never ventured into relationship territory because relationships in general so broad and varied that truthfully it would take a million entries to be able to talk about what makes relationships and what breaks them. There are so many issues to really look at with relationships. There are issues to consider like cultural backgrounds, religious ideals, thoughts on politics, and a million other things.

When relationships are good it seems like everyone holds hands and everything is absolutely wonderful. There is the love, the kissing, the idea that everything is so very perfect and then the little cracks start to really appear. The girl loves romantic movies and the guy loves action movies. There is a degree of anger when they spend the night over who squeezes the toothpaste a certain way.

One wild card about relationships is the physical chemistry. I know that sex is not really the determining factor in relationships but still it plays a major role. Is the man a 60 minute ironman? Is the girl good or an ice queen? There is something about that brief but endless moment that can change the relationship in an instant. Of course if you get into the whole staying together to not be alone factor you have another ten million topics of conversation.

There is no real way to figure out relationships so I say categorically RELATIONSHIPS ARE HELL!!!

LOVE AND PEACE!

Hit the Floor

There is one thing I love about going to nightclubs and that is people watching. I think that going to a club is a wonderful exercise in seeing that small portion of courage that people will muster up in order to impress others. I like the fact that there is always a group of stud wannabes that finished their shift at the local Foot Action and now see themselves as club gods.

When you transition from the Foot Action guys you head straight into the dudes that have a decent job but are unsatisfied and they will tell the world that they are promoters, producers, or maybe even business owners. Those particular guys are the biggest jokes because they think they are main attractions of the evening usually those guys will try to hit on anything that moves. From the total fakes you move on to the "players."

I love when I see these guys at work because normally they are so insecure that they chose to get out of their Bentley and Rolls Royce automobiles and pay outrageous tabs that include drinks for everyone. For some reason I do not clearly understand, these guys are always either going home alone or with a girl that will only tease them all night. On the ladies side it's usually one of two things.

The ladies are usually in groups of three or four and the groups are easy to understand. Some ladies want to have a good time and chill without being bothered, some ladies want to have a sucker pay for the drinks and others are hunting for some adventure. At any right they all seem to congregate in one place and that is the floor.

I like to go to places and look at the floor because quite frankly when they all go out they all look stiff as boards and dance so horribly. I like looking at people dance because it's like watching them do a dry heave and continue. I think that the beautiful thing about people on the floor is that they all look like extras from the "Towering Inferno." There will always be the dude or girl that can really dance but again it's all a matter attention in a place where no one knows or really cares who you are because chances are that they will never see you again.

Does the revival of 80's fashion not seem stupid to anyone else?

I was looking at some pictures the other day of my 80's childhood. I was flipping through these pictures of myself as a stylish nine year old wearing my Benetton rugby shirt and my blue acid wash jeans with my high top Reeboks. I looked at that picture and saw my amazing spiked hair and my mac daddy swatch and I must say I looked pretty freaking cool. I observed the picture closely and objectively and I realized that this was a popular look 24 years ago. Very recently I realized that everyone wants to be 80's again. People that were born in the 90's want to be 80's because it's the latest "in" thing to do.

I want to just say I think that is the stupidest thing I have seen in a while. I also think this opens the possibility for a hybrid 70's and 60's fashion cross craze. I can only imagine the "Hippy Sex Machine" barefoot in a disco floor.  The whole idea behind everyone wearing the "Beat it" jacket with some loud ass laces on the Roos high tops is just annoying. Sure I think the 80's were great but whatever happen to the idea of moving on? I say everyone should work on creating functional jetpacks with Logan's Run style clothing. I want my flying car and my in home conveyor belt to make moving in my home less of a hassle. Oh wait, I think I am citing some 80's stuff here and mixing it with 70's stuff.

Yes I think that it's ok to be nostalgic to some extent but to bring something back from ages ago and call it new is just stupid, sad and stupid. I will make one plea though and that is to please bring back Rubik's snake, the toy for those consumers that did not understand nor appreciate the complexity of the Rubik's cube.