You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.
I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:
OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.
ME: What?
OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.
ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--
OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.
ME: Rest of who?
OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.
ME: How is--
OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.
ME: But--
OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.
ME: What?
OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.
ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.
OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.
ME: Are you in need of metamucil?
OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.
To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.
Years ago, we closed a road to change out some large drainage structures. About half through the job, when there was nothing but a big hole in the road, we were interrupted by a car that wandered through all the barricades and pulled to within a few dozen feet of the excavation.
ReplyDeleteI just ignored the car and elderly woman driver. I really didn't care she couldn't get through; especially since she ignored all the barricades and warning signs..
The inspector walked to the window, listened for a few moments; spoke a few words and walked back as the car turned around and drove away.
He had a shocked look on his face. His first words were: Did you hear that?"
I shook my head no and he continued: "She said: "When are your mother**ckers going to finish and get the **ck out of my way?"
I just laughed. The old car was probably out of inspection and we had cut off the back road route to the nearest Walmart.