THE KIOSK PITCH

I remember there was a time when going to the mall was fun and enjoyable. I think that the fun I used to have came more from the sense of wonder and possible spoil myself purchases than anything else. Now whenever I go to the mall I feel like I have to duck people whose concept of personal space doesn't really exist.

I love walking by the cosmetic and remote control helicopter kiosks because usually I get singled out in order to be offered the deal of a lifetime. The pitch is always the same with regards to the product. If it's dead sea skin care products you get some sort of offer that usually falls short of the price you were originally quoted. Let me give you an example of the pitch:

SELLER: Hey sir.

Me: Hello.

SELLER: Free sample?

Me: No thanks I'm in a rush.

( Usually you get a girl with a hot name and classy but slutty disposition)

SELLER: Where are you from?

ME: Here.

SELLER: The mall? (Insert slutty playful laugh)

ME: No, the state of Florida.

SELLER: You are brazilian?

ME: Puerto Rican

SELLER: Ever try our Dead Sea Salt for the skin/

ME: Yes i have it.

SELLER: You have good skin but let me show this product, it's made from the scrotum of a monorchid gorilla named Billy Numero Uno. It's good for the skin and sexual virility. You have a girlfriend?

(By now the girl is on you trying to get a rise)

ME: Yes.

SELLER: I bet she likes to feel your skin ( The girl's English is not really great enough to be considered perfect but she is trying hard)

ME: Yes ( I'm holding in laughter and shame)

SELLER: This is worth 1,200 but I do promotion for you for 600 dollars. You get them out of the box and a special kit for the face made with semen from a blue Peacock.

At this point negotiations usually break down because to me that amount of money is ridiculous considering I can get the same products cheaper on ebay. Yes I do take care of myself. I usually try to leave kindly and without incident but that doesn't work seeing as how the person decides to confront me about my reasons for not forking out a house payment on that bullshit.The same thing usually happens with the helicopters and nano massagers. Some seven years ago it used to be hot Brazilian girls giving nearly pornographic massages while dressed provocatively. The lesson here is that you can get felt up without paying while also getting a facial.