WORDS ABOUT LOVE

1) Sucks

2) FUCK!!!!!

3) Complication

4) Headache

5) WHAT?

6) Que?

7) Fucker

8) Coño

9) Ay

10) Dale

You welcome for making it totally uncomplicated and easy to get ;)

EVERYONE LOVES WHORE MONGERING BEARS

It's Ted and he's coming back in TED 2. I love this bear because he just doesn't give a shit and breaks all the rules. In this day and age of tepid political correctness we should all be more like Ted and drink, screw, and repeat. Okay there sensitivity peeps I'm joking but I do recommend watching this for the mindless and worry free entertainment it provides. Life as I see it, (pun) is just too short.

ARE WE TOO SENSITIVE?

It seems to me as though political correctness has gone beyond the necessary spot. The fact of the matter is we as a society have become frightened of speaking our minds, being taken out of context, and suddenly going through an unnecessary backlash. To be honest, I think it's bullshit that we live in constant fear of that. Let's be real for a minute, it's not correct to be judgmental or racist but to limit your vocabulary on the basis of how fearful you are that someone may be offended by words like nut, or semen is ridiculous. I say be intelligent in your positions, learn to properly back your arguments, and to hell with tepid talk.

BEING A DAD

There's something about being a dad that's simply wonderful. Yes when our kids grow and they defy us, try our patience, they get the worst out of us. There is something wonderful about it though, even with all the crap they put us through. I remember the fun things like telling my son stories about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and other things.

I remember when my son first helped me wash my car, when I bought him his little electric scooter and landmarks like teaching him how to swim. My life is better because of those days and I'm a little wiser as a result. I hope my son has learned about life, being a productive human being, and the importance of being earnest.

I will never be a perfect man, I hope that I will be remembered for being a good father, a father that tried and cared. To me being a good father is life's greatest reward and having that recognition from my own son is the best kind of recognition I can get.

THICK SKIN IS SOMETIMES VITAL

Sometimes in order to survive criticism it's important to have thick skin. I have a problem and that problem is that I don't always use the thick skin I do have. There's that occasion when I'll let my temper get the worst of me. I guess it's a matter of perspective, sometimes what we feel is a product of where the criticism is coming from. If someone we love says something it tends to feel a little different, if someone we don't give a shit about says something it can hit like a missile. I guess today is more of a let it out day for me. I hope this brief passage helps you out in some way.

IF IT ISN'T IN PERSPECTIVE YET, LET'S TAKE IT THERE

I once heard a mind blowing stat that by the end of my high school years I would have watched close to 17,000 hours of television. To me that stat was a clear example that life was somewhat trivial. I thought " What the fuck man?" I was 17 when I heard this and honestly I had no clue.

What I have realizing  is that TV has an incredible amount of power, the power to change life as we know it and society as we see it. Let's put it into a serious perspective here. When FDR died it was a couple of days before the country was completely aware of that fact. When JFK was assassinated it was around in the same day.

Television the medium that gave us Watergate and the eventual fall of a president. Yes, today television gives us a lot of shit that's come around as the result of praise lavished upon the mediocre. Television began the quest of making the world a smaller place, social media has made it an art, but television started it. To put it in perspective, what was once an invention that served as a form of entertainment is today the tool that brought the world together.

It's television that gives us a little to talk about in the water cooler, something to argue about with politics, and the things that bring us together.

PARENTING CAN BE HELL

As a parent I want the best for my son but sometimes it's impossible to not want to strangle the kid. Kids at a certain period can become unruly, rebellious and impossible to deal with. I think what bothers me the most is when that rebellion manifests itself quietly. When a teen is not really open about the daily goings on, it means that they are screwing up somewhere.

As a parent I want to understand but as someone not so far removed from my teens I can remember how hard it was to be that age. I still seem to have the hardest time relating to the whole teen angst thing. I guess it's a combination of me getting older and life rapidly evolving. I am better able to understand what life was like for my parents and yet I just don't want relent in my ways.

Parenting is fun but it can also be hell as time goes by. I guess my only choice is to really wait this out and look back it fondly in a few years time.

MY FIRST HOLIDAY REBELLION

When I was a child I was always relegated to the kid's table in thanksgiving. My aunt would throw a lavish dinner in her apartment on the beach. I remember that I was always given a table in the enclosed balcony. I did not mind sitting at that table because I had an amazing view of the beach. I did have a huge problem with the fact that my dinner consisted of pieces of the turkey that were picked out for me.

I remember clearly that I would get these slices of turkey, perfectly carved and fit for a cat. I always got more salad than I desired and a little skin. I assume that because I was a thin but long kid everyone thought I was not a big eater. I would examine this situation closely before making my move. I had to employ a daring approach that would require a little extra courage and guile. This was my year to make that statement and employ all the tactics I learned watching animated action cartoons.

I was seven years old and the year was 1986, I was going to make a move in order to make my presence felt. I decided to make a move on the fabled drumstick. I remember that particular drumstick was so big, at least to me. I was ready to show I was worthy of a move up from my table of solitude. I paced slowly as the adults spoke of subjects I knew nothing about.

I made a move behind a chair that was not pushed in all the way, and quickly turned and found myself under the table. I saw no legs so I made sure to make a strategic move toward the center, where the turkey sat. I moved to a chair near the turkey and finally made eye to, wait, I looked upon the turkey. I knew that the turkey would be a great challenge and I had to wing it, and quick. I grabbed the drumstick unnoticed and moved on.

When everyone looked at me I was saying a little prayer and toasting my sprite in triumph. Everyone looked in shock and awe, I amazed them all and the following year I would be a proud member of the adult table and allowed to choose my portion of the fabled gobbler. I would look at the kid's table in triumph and mentally hold it up as a sign of victory.

MY HOLIDAY TO DO LIST

I love the holidays and like everyone else I have still yet to do a lot of things that I want to do. I guess this is my bucket list of thing that I want to do on the holidays. I first want to stuff a turkey, I have always feared stuffing a turkey because I was told as a child that the turkey could come to life and as a result it could devour my arm in anger. Once I have conquered the turkey I will move on to what's next.

I want to make a Dorito casserole with various flavors such as cool ranch, guacamole, and nacho cheese and so on. I think that the casserole gets an awful rap because normally is not fun to even look at. I want to revolutionize the casserole for at least one holiday. The next thing on my list is to go ahead and conquer the rink at the city centre in Amsterdam.

Last Christmas I went to Amsterdam and out of fear walked away from the rink. I want to walk back into the rink and show those five year old Dutch kids that I too can hang. I just feel that my life would be incomplete if I did not impose my alpha male nature in this particular rink full of children. I really want to say "I did that." The last thing I want to do this holiday season is initiate a major snow ball war in the street, also in Amsterdam.

I want there to be snowball warfare because I love snow balls and chucking them at people. I want to be able to look at all the mess and pound my chest with great pride. I understand that there will be a lot of carnage, but hey that's life.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

Did you ever have one of those days? It seems like everything starts out right and then suddenly it goes so wrong you are left wondering who you pissed off? Life is incredible that way and sometimes it takes a while before you can assimilate things. I've had days like that but rather than focus on how much they take out of me, I'd rather focus on what they give to me.

I'm healthy, intelligent and confident so a day that make may feel like I should be thankful. I have more going for me than what I realize and that's the case for most of us. So what do you do during a bad day? I compiled a little to do list:

• Breathe
• Relax
• Take a walk
• Look Around
• Let out a big FUCK IT

The fact is that life is short and when you waste one day you waste 1,000. When those days happen just relax and let your mind work its magic.

A DAY FOR REFLECTION

I often hear people refer to certain days as days for reflection. I think that the human condition merits reflection every single day should carry a period of reflection. Each day carries 24 hours and only 8 are spent sleeping, not in all cases. At the end of the week we have at least 90 hours we can reflect upon. I'm not suggesting that you grab a notebook and make notes on everything you've done, but using the mind to process a moment in time is a good way to spend idle time. I see Sundays as a good time to do some reflection.

I don't stop to reflect over a 112 hour period, but rather about times that have meant something. I sometimes think of days that shaped me, like my days as a youngster in elementary school. I remember the first time I asked a girl out, what a day. I asked this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said maybe an never anything again. I know that this girl liked me, if she didn't she wouldn't have been such a bitch.

Today is the Sunday I shall take to reflect on why some women are so fucking difficult. The way a woman reacts to you at an early age is a great indicator of how she will react in the future. If a girl says something and acts all weird later, she will play with you. If a girl says something and kicks your testicles, that girl will be the devil without the Prada.


Women are fascinating creations that make this world a better and more interesting place, that's why I love and respect all of them, except for Nancy Grace because I'm sure she hides a penis and testicles. Okay, I have reflected today and I hope I shall be a cleaner and better spirit for it. The chances are likely I'll still be tomorrow, comforting thought, for me at least.

SOME PEOPLE ARE REAL SHIT

I detest nosy people, I think because they are extremely unhappy. I have never been a nosy individual because I respect others. I think nosiness is a sign of a deeper problem. Nosy people tend to also be controlling and incredibly mercurial. I have known a few nosy fuckers in my life and honestly, my hated for them knows no bounds. I don't know why I feel like I do, maybe it's because I live and let live. Live and let live people, live and let live.

NAPOLEON BATTLES TONY MONTANA: THE COKE HEAD BONANZA

I have heard it said that Napoleon was a coke head. While I don't think  shall ever get any real confirmation on that, it would not surprise me. Napoleon was like Tony Montana, crazy for power and full hubris. Something tells me that Napoleon was the kind of guy that would grease himself up after coking himself up, and attack some house girl. I know this sounds far fetched but if the vatican has been know to have the hidden orgy here and there, why not? Napoleon looked like a little sex freak anyway.

I can imagine a talk between Napoleon and Tony Montana, it would be something like this:

TM: Hey man, you listen to me you little fucking cucaracha

NB: La merde

TM: I got the yayo you mother fucker

NB: Je suis le grande fromage

TM: We do it my way now you little maricon de mierda shit

NB: Je ne parle pas la merde

TM: I fuck you up Im Tony Montana fucking chata

NB: Je aime les vagin et les pénis

TM: I kill you, you want war mother fucker

NB: Je suis un grand cocaïnomane bisexuels

I am sure the end result would be a fabulous scene that would mix Waterloo with the final battle of Tony Montana up in Coconut Grove. I don't find Napoleon so fascinating simply because he was stupid enough to fight beyond his prime. If Napoleon were alive today he would probably be a member of the tea party. It's great to mix fiction along with historical inaccuracy because it provides a lot of material, perhaps I'll write a story about Napoleon in present time.

WHEN I DON'T ASK PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP

Have you ever dealt with a nosy person? Have you ever heard of someone you don't know giving opinions on your life? I have been a recipient of that a few times. I feel like bursting every time it happens, at least I did in the past. Today, whenever I hear unrequested opinions, I laugh simply because said opinions are an example of people's desires to live vicariously through others. Opinionated people are a lot like football dads, in that they all want to get their kids to do what they could not.

I have heard a million people say a million things and, as time passes, I find myself less annoyed by this occurrence. I do understand that it's human to have an opinion, I do think it's annoying to have more than one opinion on the same matter though. My reaction to this particular situation is simply to smile, nod, and think " I can't wait until a horny hippopotamus fucks you right up the ass." I know this is a little bit of a jerk attitude on my part but fuck it, life is short.

HAVING AN OPINION

I have wondered often if having an opinion is a bad thing. I don't offer it unrequested and I try to listen to others offer their point of view. I don't particularly care to impress people and shut their mouths, that's a stupid attitude. I do think having an opinion is not a bad thing but being an asshole about it really is. Often times people's opinions are a reflection of their own, miserable, nature.

I love people that say their nature is to give opinions, it usually means they want to have some attention. There is a difference between having an opinion and being an opinionated asshole. The opinionated asshole is the kind of person that no one likes or wants to sit near. I hate people that are opinionated because they are never wrong, according to themselves.

Either way, right or wrong, an opinion is like an asshole in the sense that everyone has one. Those people that have a loud and large asshole are the ones we just hate to love. This is the point where I say goodbye because honestly I grow bored with the topic of human nature.

THE DANGERS OF BEING TOO ALPHA

We know that an alpha male is the leader or individual with the highest rank. In a pack the alpha male is the one that everyone listens to and stands behind. The alpha male in a douche pack is usually the Vin Diesel looking idiot with miles of empty game and a delusional attitude reflecting what's usually a serious case of micro penis. The alpha male is in charge but when he allows that to go to his head it causes him problems.

If the alpha male becomes too much of an imbecile he tends to just anger people and alienate them to a point where they are absolutely want nothing to do with his crap. The alpha male's inability to control himself usually leads to some sort of ass whopping that leaves the alpha male in a losing state of sorts.

The alpha male is an asshole and often times brainless where the alpha female is usually the total opposite. The alpha female is usually the sensuous, serious and unbelievably assertive. The alpha female of a group is the one that dictates how the estrogen is divided. The alpha female has to be the independent female that makes the man work while making him feel like a little bitch. 

An alpha female will destroy a man's self esteem and keep walking if she finds it necessary. An alpha male doesn't alway have the capacity to keep up with an alpha female because the alpha female is often more mature than the man. An overly alpha female usually ends up lonely and forgotten like an elderly prostitute looking outdated at the bar. 

The alpha individual can lose more through his or her assertiveness than actually gain what he or she is after. Alphas can also be arrogant and a lot like assholes in the sense that not a lot of people like them or want to be near them. When you want to be the alpha remember that not doing it correctly is likely to kill you socially.

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER

I recently discovered that I have over 54 million dollars waiting for me in various parts of the world because numerous members of my family have passed on and left me their fortunes. I am currently trying to figure out what to do with this international lottery I have been so fortunate to win. I mean I could purchase the moon or stock in NASA's solar timeshare program. I always knew I was awesome but I did not realize I was a unique superstar. I am so amazing that a lady offered to give me a fully loaded BMW. The email reads as follows:

Dear Lucky Winner,

We happily announce to you the Draw (Batch #22) of BMW Online Lottery ® held on the 19 April, 2013.Your E-mail Address attached to the Ticket Number: 43566, was picked at random from our computer system. You have won a brand new 2011 Model BMW 7 Series Car and a LUMP SUM OF $ 500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS)

For more information on how to claim your prize, do contact our promotions department via the email below or via telephones, and quote this FILE NO: A87/902/ EH3/ 118/ 308/032, TAG NO:098486 and Ref No: 87276/18-0 as this reference serve as the security key to your winnings, we advice that you keep the reference number to yourself.

PROMOTION DEPARTMENT.

Name: Mr. James Boyd
Email: jamesboyd001@yahoo.co.jp

NB: If you are unable to come to our Branch office in United States of America to claim your won prize, your won prize will be send to your door step through courier servive.

Congratulations!

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Clara Davidson.
Online Coordinator
BMW Lottery Promo.

I have decided that I want my BMW left hanging on the door knob because I am amazing. I will also be given 500,000 United States dollars that I will promptly spend on dinner plates signed by international superstar Pitbull, DALE! I know that people are jealous because all I have to do is give my social security number, bank account, and address. Yes I am awesome because that is all I have to do in order to reap the benefits of hard work. So far I have had the privilege of meeting several prominent Nigerian bankers that have assured me that my information will be kept confidential and my details private. The meetings have been held in the private and secure setting of a custom yahoo chat room and I am proud to announce that these gentlemen have agreed to come visit me when I am incorporating my company known as FERAL INDUSTRIES LLC. Please try to keep your hatred and jealousy to yourself as I am a very important and well know figure in the world of Nigerian investment banking and I need no negativity.

MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

LAUGHTER

I never really stopped to realize that laughter is actually powerful enough to enrich a person's life. As a child my life was pretty rich with laughter that came from fairly simple sources. I used to love watching Looney Tunes every Saturday and Sunday morning and Different Strokes during the week. Those brief minutes of laughter made me feel overjoyed. I had periods when listening to laughter or being the reason for it also made me feel like life was a pretty awesome proposition.

As I grew older laughter became an academic reaction of sorts, like a twitch. I stopped valuing laughter because I slowly realized that laughter can be lined with evil, sarcasm, sadness, frustration and madness. I went from a simplistic child's view to the jaded view of an adult whose life was full of ups and downs. I never realized that those moments of happiness came from allowing myself the chance to laugh freely and without worry.

It took me a while but then as I started to once again watch black and white television I came to the realization that a good laugh can go as far as restoring a period of self confidence that you can lose during the day. It was incredible to think that by laughing at something fairly clean and simple I could actually turn my days around. We take laughter for granted and even call it a waste of time but what we are really saying is that we have forgotten to be free and comfortable during times that call for relaxation and levity. Next time you want to control your laughter think little and let go. Life is too short for us to stay straight faced and unhappy on a consistent basis.

LIFE WITHOUT CAFFEINE

Okay so I decided to make a full assed attempt at giving up caffeine. I realized that too much consumption of caffeine is not good for me. Whenever I am on that high I find myself moving around like hot shit and then suddenly I crash into a wall of sorts. I am a serious junkie for the stuff, even as I write I am feeling like I am about to die. Caffeine is like a lady of the evening spending time with an accountant.

I remember the days when I would destroy a twelve pack of coke zero and find myself buying a large coffee like ice drink at the local coffee shop. Now I find myself craving the company of this prostitute I like to refer to as caffeine. I get these headaches and this attitude that just seem to go hand in hand with one another. I understand that it will pass but I still feel like a part of me is gone. I guess I can say caffeine is my own chemical romance gone horribly wrong.

Goodbye caffeine, you sexy little prostitute, I shall miss my consumption of thee.