THE KNOW IT ALL

Ever find yourself dealing with a know it all? I find myself dealing with know it alls quite often and it never ceases to amaze me how people that know it all seem to have that shield against reality. I have multiple examples of know it all individuals and all of them have a deeply entertaining specialty that stands out in terms of their knowledge.

My first know it all is the know it all that cites statistics which have no real merit behind them. I love hearing how 37% of the time people that count to five will count to four twice because four plus four is equal to eight. I love it when statistics that make no sense whatsoever are applied to politics. A person who knows it all will say something like " 40% of the time a voter will vote for a better candidate because 20% of the time said voter will be unhappy with their previous choice." The statistics know it all usually has either a lisp or a horrible personality or both. A person citing statistics with no sense to them and putting them down as the law and rule of thumb is also usually incapable of achieving any sort of erection or sexual satisfaction. I understand that this happens at least 27% percent of the time all the time. As we move on through the journey we make our way to the know it all that specializes in history.

I have heard that Vietnam was an attempt by the US to hide aliens in the city of Da nang. I have heard that the moon landing was shot in a studio and I have heard compelling arguments made for Elvis Presley's current status as a secret CIA agent trying to rid the world of scum. I sit and listen to these theories because when a person states their case there is usually some sort of ridiculous and unproven fact that makes it impossible to walk away. The know it alls that try to talk about history will also say that it is "matter of fact" that while Eisenhower was in a toilet he contemplated a surprise attack on Canada in an attempt to corner the faux bacon market. Of course you cannot leave out the know it al that covers life in general.

The know it all that loves to act like he or she has a handle on zen philosophy is life's all purpose know it all. That know it all philosopher loves to throw out words like agnostic, pagan, vegan, syphilitic, atheist and so forth. What I love about this know it all is that they always have an answer to everything. You can ask this know it all about every subject from botox to douche bags and this person will always have an answer. The general know it all has a response to everything and is a self actualized human being. This person knows more than doctors, lawyers, plumbers, and architects. You can never get into a conversation with this person because you must listen to their wise words. I will now state my feelings with regards to know it all as a way to wrap up my little diatribe.

If you know it all you suffer from the following conditions:

1. Shit personality
2. Inferiority complex
3. Stupidity
4. Lack of social skills
5. Lack of interpersonal skills
6. Fishy taco
7. Erectile disfunction
8. Inability to spell
9. Inability to understand things when they are explained ad nauseam 
10. Bitterness
11. Jealousy

In the end know it alls will always be here in spite of their conditions and inability to see what ridiculous idiots they really are. I am thankful for the existence of know it alls because without them life would be dull and I would not be able to laugh with joy.