WHEN YOU TRY TO PRY

Have you ever been in that position where you are trying to get something from someone and it's impossible to do so? What I mean is making that attempt to have a conversation and while you set the base for what could be something wonderful you are handed shit in the vein of a monosyllabic response. Sometimes it's understandable because there are conversations that you don't want to have but what about the important ones?

What I mean by important conversation is let's assume you are a father having the talk with your daughter's future better half. Imagine if instead of a good strong talk you have something like:

DAD: Hey John

GROOM: Sup

DAD: How are you?

GROOM: I'm k

DAD: Pardon me

GROOM: I'm good.

DAD: So what are your plans once you are married?

GROOM: Dunno

DAD: You what?

GROM: Dunno

DAD: You don't know?

GROOM: Yup.

This could go on forever with the end result being some sort of near tragedy involving a dog, a dove, and a Ford Pinto. Do I have a point with this? Yes I do as a matter of fact. There are times when you need to be guarded and there are times when you need to be open. There is nothing wrong with starting a conversation that has some sort importance and there is even less wrong with helping that conversation expand into something of meaning. Next time you want to be a jackass remember that he who does not try usually eats shit.

THE WAY TO HANDLE A JACKASS

Have you ever noticed the pseudo intellectual air of people that lob thinly veiled criticism? To me it's a thing of beauty witnessing people attempt to flex the thought muscle. I have been through that so many times, getting that unrequested and unwanted piece of shit advice. I love to just sit back and listen just so that I can pick out the twenty little mistakes in the advice itself. I have lived that and dealt with it since the day I realized I wanted to become a writer. I will never cease to be amazed by people giving their opinions with regards to everything that they know nothing about.

When it comes to people giving unwanted and unrequested advice and criticism I have come up with a ten step plan and the plan goes as follows:

1. Sit
2. Listen
3. Pay close attention
4. Allow yourself to go to a place other than the one you are in mentally
5. Count 25 sheep 
6. Think about your favorite food
7. Think about your favorite show
8. Think about your favorite movie
9. Think about your favorite muppets character 
10. FART!

Nothing clears a room and ends a conversation you don't want to have more effectively than a lethal fart. It doesn't matter the distance because farting is the universal language of discomfort. Yes, thats the way to handle it just fart until you feel a weight has left your body. Maybe this doesn't work for you in principle and perhaps it won't work in practice but it's still worth a shot. 

THE KNOW IT ALL

Ever find yourself dealing with a know it all? I find myself dealing with know it alls quite often and it never ceases to amaze me how people that know it all seem to have that shield against reality. I have multiple examples of know it all individuals and all of them have a deeply entertaining specialty that stands out in terms of their knowledge.

My first know it all is the know it all that cites statistics which have no real merit behind them. I love hearing how 37% of the time people that count to five will count to four twice because four plus four is equal to eight. I love it when statistics that make no sense whatsoever are applied to politics. A person who knows it all will say something like " 40% of the time a voter will vote for a better candidate because 20% of the time said voter will be unhappy with their previous choice." The statistics know it all usually has either a lisp or a horrible personality or both. A person citing statistics with no sense to them and putting them down as the law and rule of thumb is also usually incapable of achieving any sort of erection or sexual satisfaction. I understand that this happens at least 27% percent of the time all the time. As we move on through the journey we make our way to the know it all that specializes in history.

I have heard that Vietnam was an attempt by the US to hide aliens in the city of Da nang. I have heard that the moon landing was shot in a studio and I have heard compelling arguments made for Elvis Presley's current status as a secret CIA agent trying to rid the world of scum. I sit and listen to these theories because when a person states their case there is usually some sort of ridiculous and unproven fact that makes it impossible to walk away. The know it alls that try to talk about history will also say that it is "matter of fact" that while Eisenhower was in a toilet he contemplated a surprise attack on Canada in an attempt to corner the faux bacon market. Of course you cannot leave out the know it al that covers life in general.

The know it all that loves to act like he or she has a handle on zen philosophy is life's all purpose know it all. That know it all philosopher loves to throw out words like agnostic, pagan, vegan, syphilitic, atheist and so forth. What I love about this know it all is that they always have an answer to everything. You can ask this know it all about every subject from botox to douche bags and this person will always have an answer. The general know it all has a response to everything and is a self actualized human being. This person knows more than doctors, lawyers, plumbers, and architects. You can never get into a conversation with this person because you must listen to their wise words. I will now state my feelings with regards to know it all as a way to wrap up my little diatribe.

If you know it all you suffer from the following conditions:

1. Shit personality
2. Inferiority complex
3. Stupidity
4. Lack of social skills
5. Lack of interpersonal skills
6. Fishy taco
7. Erectile disfunction
8. Inability to spell
9. Inability to understand things when they are explained ad nauseam 
10. Bitterness
11. Jealousy

In the end know it alls will always be here in spite of their conditions and inability to see what ridiculous idiots they really are. I am thankful for the existence of know it alls because without them life would be dull and I would not be able to laugh with joy.

THE PROFESSIONAL AND THE TOURIST

Upon his trip to Amsterdam a young tourist decided he would walk through the cobblestone streets of the historic city. The young man marveled at the canals, passing ships and historical feel of Amsterdam. There was somehting simply amazing about the city that could not be explained .The young man found himself a tad disoriented as night fell fast.

As this young man had never before gone to Amsterdam he found himslef in the historic red light district. The youngster was innocent and naive and was not aware of the fact that you could smoke great mind enhancers legally as well as meet ladies of professional extent in this place. Granted in the whole of Amsterdam it is legal to smoke happy cigarettes.

The young man entered a "pool hall" and requested a brownie, a cigarette, and a glass of 2% milk. After a good thirty minutes the young man was high and so very happy. Walking through the narrow streets of the red light district the young man caught the eye of a hooker with a heart of gold. The name of this gorgeous hooker was Barbie G, yes it was Barbie G. The young man knocked on her glass door and said " Hello, I am lost, cold and confused." The gorgeous hooker said " For sure you are a tourist."

The young man requested milk and some chips. Barbie did not know this was an actual request for milk and chips so she attempted to position herself for a Sanchez type maneuver. The shocked youngster said "Please I am hungry and thirsty." The young hooker served him a glass of milk and spread Nutela on some bread. The two seemed to start a great friendship that eventually turned into a great hooker Cindirella and Prince Naive story.

The young hooker and tourist would marry and have well over 12 children with lovely Nordic names. The tourist would become a lauded politician and professor while his wife would become a fierce women's rights advocate.

The moral of the story is simple: We can all be pimps and hookers but we're not all honest about it though.

TOODALOO BABIES!!!!

BIEBER FEEVER GONE TOO FAR

Worry not Bieber fans as your idol is still the source of much conversation even amongst depraved killers. I must say Bieber Fever has really gone beyond being an STD you get by listening to this generation's version of Paul Anka (google it). I say this because Justin Bieber was the target of a murder plot by some convicts in Las Cruces New Mexico.

To make a long story short I guess one of the killers has a tattoo of the icon on his leg. To me this is an example of Bieber Fever gone too far. Part of the plot was to go ahead and castrate Bieber and his bodyguard Rufus T. Firefly. I wonder if the killers were going to auction the members on ebay. I learned of Bieber Feever while watching Key of Awesome's educational youtube spot on it.

I was not aware of the fact that Bieber Fever could go this far but thank heavens that our idol of idols is safe. Now I say let's move on to more important matters and figure out how the Gangnam Style dude is part of plot to destroy the world through incredibly lame music and horrific dancing.