SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

I love being a father, I love kids, and I have fond memories of my childhood and a few defining moments that helped shape a large portion of my behavior. When I was a kid I had a very basic and clear description of the "Don't go there regions." Im certain you are wondering what the hell a " Don't go there region" is, so by all means let me enlighten you. The following list covers some of the major "Don't go there regions" of my youth:

1. Stealing.
2. Raising my voice.
3. Interrupting others.
4. Fighting.
5. Disrespecting my elders.
6. Bullying.
7. Tantrums. 
8. Staying up late.

As I grew each region took on a new dimension but essentially the concept was the same. One thing that I did was test the regions, as it turns out my first test was successful in giving me a clear message that further testing would result in some manner of my own demise.  I will never forget it because it involved 3 regions at once as well as my favorite candy.

I was a five year old and extremely outgoing, I had what some would call a winning personality that captured the heart of many, partly because I was a master at engaging people in conversation. My mom and Step Dad took me to the supermarket after picking me up from school. This particular trip was a welcome change as it meant that I could play both sides against the middle and get a box of Jordan Almonds, my favorite candy. 

I attempted to work my plan when, in unison, my parents said " NO." I could see my hope evaporate, the taste of the sweet shell left as soon as it had arrived. In my young and semi- devious mind I was crushed as well as blinded by my ambition. The 1980's were a decade of greed and I was greedy for my candy. Naturally I did what came natural to a child that age and threw a tantrum, my mother squashed it with something I like to refer to as the eyebrow of death. I wrestled the almonds away from my step dad's hand and darted to the comfort of our car. I thought this was done and over seeing as how possession is nine tenths of the law. I was so mistaken as both my parents spanked me, took the almonds, and proceeded to punish me. 

Now I flash forward thirty years and think of some of the kids I see today. Parents are totally afraid to discipline their kids and the little fuckers know, and often take advantage of the situation. I'm not saying this is the majority of cases or even half but I swear it sickens me. Parents don't need to beat the shit out of their kids but some parameters and a spanking when necessary in order to assert authority works way better than a conversation. Spanking is not abuse, using a belt or going medieval is. What was done to our parents in the 50's and 60's helped spawn peace and love and that's great, but seriously. 

BEING A DAD

There's something about being a dad that's simply wonderful. Yes when our kids grow and they defy us, try our patience, they get the worst out of us. There is something wonderful about it though, even with all the crap they put us through. I remember the fun things like telling my son stories about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and other things.

I remember when my son first helped me wash my car, when I bought him his little electric scooter and landmarks like teaching him how to swim. My life is better because of those days and I'm a little wiser as a result. I hope my son has learned about life, being a productive human being, and the importance of being earnest.

I will never be a perfect man, I hope that I will be remembered for being a good father, a father that tried and cared. To me being a good father is life's greatest reward and having that recognition from my own son is the best kind of recognition I can get.

REMEMBER WHEN WRITERS ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT

I was recently watching my Miami Vice DVD set and wondering what the hell happened to good television. When I was growing up writers actually tried hard to put out a good product. Yes, in the 80's and 90's there were a lot of shows that depended heavily on stale jokes and laugh tracks, but at least they tried. Today I switch channels thinking that TV is simply the prostitute you go to for the sweet release of death.

Right now there are a handful of shows that I give a crap about and I have to pay to watch them. When you think about how many channels there are on television, and what little quality is out there, it's impossible to believe the programming is so stale and crack whore like. I don't care for housewives, whores, celebrity self destruction, or anything on the air today.

Perhaps I am becoming old but at 34 I doubt that's the case. I think that I just can't stand the prostitution of the word reality and the constant lies made to look like regular life. I don't give a shit about pseudo celebrities that lack talent, I could care less about roundtables of nonsense, and I don't give a damn about Jessica Simpson. Someone please dust of the real writers and bring back quality programming please.

I SAW TATTOO

While many people are on a senseless quest to prove Elvis is alive and others are in an even more senseless quest to prove that Bigfoot exists I am out to prove that Tattoo is in fact still amongst the living. My quest began in 1983 with Tattoo's sudden vanishment from Fantasy Island. I knew then and there that foul play and shenanigans may well be afoot but I refused to go to the press with my suspicions.

I started by piecing together what I knew about the man. Tattoo was a major whore monger and loved to establish his tripod sex appeal everywhere from the island to Amsterdam. In some circles Tattoo was know as " El Toro Cojonudo" or " Bull with the Large Sack." I began an investigation that included questioning member of Forbidden Zone where Tattoo was once a king. Not even Huckleberry P. Jones could explain Tattoo's whereabouts.

I went on this quest for the legendary Tattoo until I arrived at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada where I was told that due to my lack of sleep I had Betty Davis Eyes. I did not understand the reference and became exasperated until a hooker by the name of Placenta Sweet explained that Tattoo had cashed some magic coins in order to travel to a place that existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Upon his return from fighting wars in the stars Tattoo cashed in his life insurance in order to start anew in a place where he could feel at home.

Tattoo went to his countrymen the smurfs and purchased several mushrooms to rent out as holiday and short stay homes but alas Gargamel fucked that up. Tattoo in an act of desperation had an orgy with Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Vanessa Williams and Grouchy. My search led me nowhere and not even multiple Sullen Twilights could change my jaded view of the world. I did however regain my optimism when one day I saw a figure enter a room in Amsterdam's Red Light District. The man exuded sexual charisma and a giant ego. I swore it was Tattoo as I saw him enter  I yelled " Boss, the plane the plane." The Tom Thumb figure told me to fuck mself in dutch and I smiled because I knew at last I saw Tattoo.

I search for this figure still today in order to thank him for showing the world that game comes from within. Thank you Tattoo your influence hit me like a cannoball!

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ONE HIT VERSUS MULTIPLE

This particular entry is not really about a societally relevant topic but it's one that makes me laugh and even cry a little bit inside. I love 80's music but I hate the term one hit wonder because I think it's really used improperly. Let me go ahead and explain what it is I mean and where I am headed.

VH1 constantly used to air specials about one hit wonders and the usual suspects showed up. The Buggles, Haircut 100, Bow Wow Wow, and yes the legendary Taco. To me al of that made sense because it's not like Taco had a smash follow up to "Putting on the Ritz." The truth is that those were all fun one off songs that everyone could enjoy in a nice 80's disco with a lot of flashy lights and mega amounts of gnarly cocaine in the back room. I always had a massive problem with one addition and that was Gary Numan.

What exactly made Gary Numan a one hit wonder? The song cars is apparently the culprit here. I have an issue when you consider that three years before Gary Numan and the Tubeway Army had a hit with are friends electric and were bringing a dark and edgy style music to the world. The songs like " Are Friends Electric" and "Down in the Park" were new and very innovative.

While none of this is really relevant today it is a part of what shaped real music and switched tastes from genres like producer influenced disco to sound and meaning driven styles of music. I would not consider any of that punk music but still it meant something and it's nice to get it right.

Does the revival of 80's fashion not seem stupid to anyone else?

I was looking at some pictures the other day of my 80's childhood. I was flipping through these pictures of myself as a stylish nine year old wearing my Benetton rugby shirt and my blue acid wash jeans with my high top Reeboks. I looked at that picture and saw my amazing spiked hair and my mac daddy swatch and I must say I looked pretty freaking cool. I observed the picture closely and objectively and I realized that this was a popular look 24 years ago. Very recently I realized that everyone wants to be 80's again. People that were born in the 90's want to be 80's because it's the latest "in" thing to do.

I want to just say I think that is the stupidest thing I have seen in a while. I also think this opens the possibility for a hybrid 70's and 60's fashion cross craze. I can only imagine the "Hippy Sex Machine" barefoot in a disco floor.  The whole idea behind everyone wearing the "Beat it" jacket with some loud ass laces on the Roos high tops is just annoying. Sure I think the 80's were great but whatever happen to the idea of moving on? I say everyone should work on creating functional jetpacks with Logan's Run style clothing. I want my flying car and my in home conveyor belt to make moving in my home less of a hassle. Oh wait, I think I am citing some 80's stuff here and mixing it with 70's stuff.

Yes I think that it's ok to be nostalgic to some extent but to bring something back from ages ago and call it new is just stupid, sad and stupid. I will make one plea though and that is to please bring back Rubik's snake, the toy for those consumers that did not understand nor appreciate the complexity of the Rubik's cube.