AN ODD COUPLE MADE IN COMEDY HEAVEN

I haven't really kept up with the news of Vladimir Putin's latest shenanigans, simply because I don't particularly care for him in any respect. When I saw a picture circulating of Putin next to Steven Seagal my curiosity was peaked. I glanced over the article where the "Star" called Putin a brother and so on. I realized then that Putin has a side gig, luring fat has been actors into Russia with promises of of doughnuts, cheese, and fine wine.

I think Putin believes that with warriors like Seagal and Gerard Depardieu he can make make the world think twice about his martial arts and governing abilities. Seagal is a Mob Hitman, CIA Operative, Martial Arts Guru, Action Star, Cop, Reality Star and Voodoo Priest. The implications here are that Putin can learn so very much from the jolly fat weapon of mass pollution, he may well be unstoppable.

Let's see how these two bangerz threaten the world, and yes that was a Miley reference.

SPACE CATS WILL MAKE YOU THE COOLEST EVER

Miley Cyrus has gotten a lot of criticism because she grew up and no one associates her with her Hannah Montana image anymore. Miley is highly sexual, overly suggestive and it seems like that overshadows her amazing voice. Miley managed to completely turn that around with her AMA performance, with space cats no less.

Miley came out looking hot in a cat two piece and began belting out her hit Wrecking Ball with a kitty in the background. The cat served as a backup singer and as he sang the wire graphics reminiscent of the original Star Wars video game would come out and the cat ended up doing the tongue thing and crying. I think this moment far outshines the time when her dad offered critics a quarter in order to call someone who cares after he won for some douche country song.

I won't ever really be a huge Miley fan but I gotta give her this one because it was one of those performances that's both perfect and insane in every imaginable way.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

When I first read some of Ernest Hemingway's work I was just a freshman in high school. I was taken by his life story more than his work. I thought that Hemingway was a cool guy, well traveled, and interested in life's grand pursuits. I began to read Hemingway's work more thoroughly and was taken by the very real quality of his characters, larger than life and yet incredibly flawed.

Hemingway was one of those guys that was straight up badass before badass was some stupid classification for punks with big mouths and guns. What I thought was great about Hemingway was the he was a man that believed in living hard and full. I think it's really the nature of writers like Hemingway that made literature in those years so great.

There was no fear, no politically correct bullshit, Hemingway and his contemporaries were all about truth. Hemingway had that unchecked depression which only made him all the more compelling. Mental health was not really considered important in those days so for Hemingway to stay as creative and powerful given his issues only made him a more mythical figure.

Hemingway was also an example of someone who could have benefited from treating his depression. I could only imagine Hemingway writing a book about Vietnam and the love power generation. I wonder what Hemingway and disco would have been like, given that the 70's was the me generation. Sadly none of that happened, we lost a genius and life went on. Still, it's not that bad to think of what might have been every now and then.

MC HAMMER IS REALLY.............STILL NOT GANGSTA

I came across a bit of interesting news with regards to everyone's favorite wholesome rap artist, the one and only MC Hammer. Charges were filed against the Hammer because he was caught driving a car he did not own. Hammer was also charged with resisting arrest and suspicion of obstruction. What I thought was interesting was Hammer's tweet, which read: "Thank You to all my friends and supporters. All CHARGES DECLINED. Dropped. Have A great Weekend. #OutOnBail." That last part about being out on bail is what makes me crack up. 

MC Hammer's biggest crimes included parachute pants, a thorough inability to hold on to 47,000,000 million dollars and that video for pumps in a bump. I think it's a reflection of Hammer's desire to still be relevant to send out a tweet like that. I like MC Hammer but frankly he is a part of the 90's that came and went and has not yet generated enough interest for a re cycled new rage. 

First this guy is participating in a live performance of that lame ass song Gangnam Style and now he is trying to look shady. There is nothing shady about this guy because he is too legit, too legit to drive a car with expired tags that doesn't belong to, wait. 

THE LAURA BUSH GAY MARRIAGE AD

Former first lady Laura Bush requested that her clip from an interview be taken off an ad advocating gay marriage. The reason this bit of news caught my eye is because the trending headline read "Laura Bush Gay." I am not writing this to give an opinion on gay marriage but rather to point out a few things that struck me. This particular article that I read sparked a myriad of comments that ranged from Nazi Germany comparisons to vile comments on gay marriage.

I personally feel that when someone is going to give an opinion on such a sensitive subject they should be educated on their reasons for being either behind it or against it. To bring the Nazi Germany comparison in is absurd but to say that this is a ridiculous cause is equally absurd. If you agree or disagree with homosexuality it's your business but please be educated when rendering an opinion. I think it's bullshit commentary that not only divides us as a society but also makes us look like an ignorant and rudimentary nation.

People do not need to agree on everything in order to be progressive but they need to have the ability to listen as well as discuss. I think it's fair that as a free country boasting of the best democratic system in the planet we act much in the same manner as our founding fathers did. Ages ago a document was crafted and in detail it outlined a government by the people and for the people, why is it that 236 years later we cannot stick to the hopes for growth and progress that crafted that document?

I AM ALEX JONES AND I AM A BIG PIECE OF SHIT!

I can't stand Alex Jones because he is the reason why the whole of America looks like a bunch of fucking idiots. Alex Jones is an idiot that does not understand the need for anti depressants when people   suffer from mental illness. We do not need another idiot with a major platform taking the ignorant majority and telling them "We are being attacked."

No one said we need to take guns off the streets but there needs to be a line drawn somewhere in the sand. The truth of the matter is that the whole "I have a right to guns mentality" is what's making this debate on gun control nearly impossible. It doesn't help that a moron starts screaming that democracy is being raped when government actually decides to do it's job by debating the issue.

When innocent people die in a theatre or little kids pay the ultimate price in their school it's too damn much. I once met a person that bought her mentally unstable and violent son a T-22  rifle. I don't care how well backed we are by the 2nd amendment I would not buy an unstable kid a water gun let alone a T-22. It's a matter of keeping an open mind and looking at the statistics properly. This is not a republican or democrat issue so if you are going to get offended please stop reading and go get some fudge to drown your sorrows.

Yes it's true that guns don't kill people but stupid people with access to them do. If we do not educate the masses on gun control and how it's not an infringement upon our rights but rather an attempt at minimizing incidents like the one at Sandy Hook. Let's take shit like Alex Jones and his theories out of the equation and let's be civilized in finding a way to protect ourselves without killing each other.

OH SAM!

Sam Donaldson got pulled over for a DUI recently and it was kept under wraps for a while. I have to laugh a little because honestly I find Sam to be the most arrogant sack of crap in the history of news reporting. I am not sure if it's the toupee or if it's his demeanor but the guy is like an ass that you want to constantly kick.

I think newsmen like Sam have an inherent knack for coming off as arrogant because they criticize public figures but they themselves are filled with imperfections. The truth of the matter is that Sam Donaldson's overly argumentative nature as an anchor and contributor to several political programs as well as a White House correspondent make him the equivalent of a human fart.

I personally hope that this particular experience will make Sam consider taking off that horrible dead cat on top of his head.

CHEERS SAM!

JUSTICE IS A BITCH......REALLY

I don't know why I am particularly moved to write about justice maybe I am bored or maybe I am running out of material but at any rate I am doing it because I can. People love to say that justice is blind, but, is justice balanced? I ask because the symbol of justice is a scale. I am no philosopher but as a child conducting basic science experiments in school scales were used for weight distribution examples with little gram weights.

It was easy to see that more weight in one side meant that the scale would tip that way. Now I want to pose a question: If that weight is previledge, wealth, and power in case where someone was abused in some unfair way is justice really blind? I guess it's a really hard question to answer.

I wonder if the people that thought OJ Simpson was guilty felt that justice was really blind. Justice is not a person we can influence but it does carry an outcome we can influence if we are smart. Was justice really served in the Casey Anthony trial when all the evidence seemed to point in her direction? Is capitalizing on a weak prosecutor's inability to establish a plausible case really an example of justice being blind?

If we really look at things from a practical point point of view we can say that yes justice is blind and that handicap is a disadvantage that creates outcomes not always favorable to visible reality. Justice is blind and it's also a bitch because it can really be made to accommodate cases that really don't merit it.

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE DESERVES A REST

 



 

So Lindsay Lohan's storage locker is going up for auction anng news. I wonder exactly how this is a relevant issue. Are we so desperate to see people fall that we will root into their private lives like rodents? Wow Lindsay Lohan is a human being full of problems I guess that makes her not so out of the ordinary.

 

Privacy is something that should be respected and afforded to everyone equally and given the economy, wars overseas, and general state of the world this is not a news event worthy of scrutiny. I understand the fascination with celebrity because everyone has it to a degree but what is the deal with the fascination for disgrace? I think, and this is just me, that everyone deserves a break to deal with certain matters privately.

 

I for one could care less about someone else's financial issues if those issues don't make a difference in the way the world works. I guess what I am saying is GET A LIFE PEOPLE THE WORLD IS TOO BIG FOR THIS KIND OF BS!

YOU BET'CHA!

Far be it for me to give a rat's ass about Sarah Palin or any portionof her life but sometimes I think the press goes too far in an attempt to get a cheap news story. Sarah Palin's son is divorcing and somehow that is a trending news story worthy of public attention. I think divorces are bad enough and as a result they should stay private.

Do I like Pailin? No I do not like Pailin but still that doesn't mean her kids need to be exposed especially when they are private figures. The only private figure related to a Politician that should always be held to the light is the one and only Billy Carter (Google Billy Beer). The fact is that private lives should be left as such. Give the guy and his ex some air in order to do things right.

ED ANSER SHOULD PISS ON SEAN HANNITY

I hate Sean Hannity because there is nothing worst than a political extremist with a platform. This entry has nothing to do with being a Democrat or Republican and if you are reading it ready to attack please take a pill and keep walking.

Recently Asner asked a FOX reporter "Can I piss on you?" The whole incident stems from Asner's work on a propaganda cartoon on behalf of the California Federation of Teachers. I am guessing that Asner was not happy with the probing about the part of the cartoon showcasing the rich urinating on the poor. So there is a problem with the animated showcase of facts? Why is the middle class getting tax raped? Why are professionals like teachers making barely enough to survive?

This leads to ammunition for an idiot like Hannity to talk about class. Hannity only knows that class is spelled with a C. Frankly I hope Ed Asner goes Lou Grant extreme on this fucker and pisses on him while saying "Ted, Ted, Ted, you are a newsman Ted."

WHAT A LIFE!

There are multiple schools of thought on a lengthy life.Some people feel that a lengthy life is a curse while others cherish the possibility. To me a lengthy life is something that can only be as good as the changes you witness within the time you live. Besse Cooper the 116 year old Georgia woman that passed away recently is an example of a long life worth the time.

Besse's biggest claim to fame maybe her age and perhaps she was not a major figure in any other respect, but still, do the math. Besse was born in 1896 during a time when the US was changing into an industrial age run by steel mills, lumber barons, and oil magnates. By the time that the US stock market crashed in 1929 she was 33 and nearly twelve years later when the US was pulled back to prominence by the New Deal she was well into middle age.

Besse witnessed the birth of television as well as the birth of the computer age. The fact that this lady did not necessarily take part in any of these events as an innovator is really irrelevant. For an individual to be able to say that she was a part of a century that went from a divided and bitter n civil rights to an African American US president is something special. Ms. Cooper's eyes are a reflection of what true change is like especially when you pay close attention.

Besse Cooper, what a life!

REALLY UGANDA?

Ignorance on an individual basis is downright annoying but ignorance on a mass scale is a crime against nature. I am not gay nor am I a gay rights activist but I think that everyone with more than a half a brain cell should attack Uganda's anti gay measures. We need to really understand this is Uganda, the country that employed Idi Amin as it's leader for a good 8 years.

Let me break down this particular bill which passed a Parliamentary Committee allowing it to move to another round of votes. The bill calls for life imprisonment for gay people instead of the original request for execution. Why is it that Uganda has such a screwed up track record for human rights?

I understand that religious groups have exerted an enormous amount of pressure on the government in order to go on and pass this measure. This whole notion is asinine for so many reasons that I would need at least a year to explain them all in detail. I wonder if the concept of separation of church and state ever filtered down to Uganda.

If you do not agree with a lifestyle choice then don't pay attention. The world is so plagued by violence and ignorance that it doesn't really need anymore of this bullshit. Whatever is considered natural or unnatural is for science to decide and the ultimate price is left to those that engage in whatever those behaviors may be. We are not the Karma police, come on Uganda grow the fuck up, Amin Dada is dead and the world is moving forward, join the line.

HOLY SHIT GRUNGE JUST MADE A......WAIT NO

There is something about a bunch of punks being led by a moron that just touches my heart. The three "Anarchists" that plead guilty to hatching a plot aimed at blowing up to blow up a bridge in Ohio really kind of make me smile. Let me explain myself before I am accused of being some sort of t.......t. See the reason why I say this is because these guys don't look like they can spell anarchy let alone give you a proper definition.

All five of the morons looked beyond baked and past the lower end of the line that determines aptitude. Allow me to further expand upon my point. The five guys look like they travelled to a Nirvana concert fifteen years too late. One guy actually looks the the bastard child of Paul McCartney and Brian Epstein (low historical joke). The curly haired fella looks like Napoleon Dynamite's cousin while the one with the black beard looks like he ran out of money in the barbershop and could only afford half a decent haircut. The blonde Kurt Cobain guy looks like he could not score in a whorehouse on black friday while the leader looks like he may have been a child star sometime in the 80's.

I am not saying that the threat was a light one because after all terrorism does not require so much intelligence as it does will to act. It seems like the five idiots were counting on the element of surprise but we live in a society that will catch up to you whenever it is deemed appropriate and necessary. I think that part of the problem is that the "disenfranchised" like to retreat into a shell where they can appear like dark and fascinating figures. Sometimes in the process of appearing like a "dark" figure people lose touch with reality and begin to follow bigger morons in an effort to make a "point."

We are living in a dangerous world and it's safe to say we are living in dangerous times. It's good to be aware of people if for no other reason safety. While these guys look like a commercial for stupidity and a PSA  for not experimenting with war RPG's, salvia, combos, and weed they are no less threatening. It's also a good idea to if nothing else try to reach out to people that look this awkward.

Seriously America let's reach out and touch a weirdo, he may blow up your mailbox and steal your cat.

TOP TEN PETRAEUS EMAIL ADDRESSES

With the latest scandal in Washington surrounding the good General Petraeus I wonder who exactly was his email provider. I will go with Gmail given the new privacy rules for Gmail. Having gotten that out of the way I decided to compile a list of possible emails for the good General and they are:

1. Generalsexy@gmail.com
2. Hotholsterdady@hotmail.com
3. sexbomb@gmail.com
4. petraeuspapichulo@att.net
5. iraqsexpistol@aol.com
6. huevosgrandes@gmail.com
7. sexears69@gmail.com
8. lamangueramagica@gmail.com
9. spywiththegoldeneye.gmail.com
10. hotstuffwiththerightstuff@cia.gov

I am positive that the good General had a way to express his ability to really captivate his biographer with not just tales of heroics but also descriptions of his "field" capacity. Alas we shall never know but who the hell cares? It's fun to testiculate, wait I mean speculate.

Tragedy Imitating Art

Often times we wonder if what we see in film can translate to real life. Take a movie like "Death Wish" for example. We wonder if there really is some architect with the desire of to kill every dirty bastard criminal out there. Then you have 007 films where the super spy  sleeps around, drinks, and kills bad people without worrying about getting an STD,cirrhosis, or retribution. In reality precision killing and action packed sequences do not seem to occur, at least not often.

In the French Alps the bodies of four victims were found gunned down in cold blooded and precise fashion. This brings me to a very simple question, why? We live in a world where there is enough killing so why make it worst? In this case a mother's dead body was covering her 4 year old daughter's live body. There was another girl 8 years old with a gunshot wound to the head still alive. The girl's father and a passenger, a woman, were both shot and not too far a cyclist was shot execution style.

I am sure people would question what the father did or the mystery woman or even the cyclist. I am sure the questions will pop up such as

1. Was the father the target?
2. Was the mother the target?
3. Was the lady target?
4. Was the cyclist the target and the family in the way?
5. Why was this family targeted and the cyclist a victim of circumstance?
6. Why was the family in vacation in the French Alps?
7. What kind of gun was used?

The questions will come around and the conclusions will follow I am sure. Every imbecile wanting to play CSI and Homicide investigator. I look at this and think that the world is truly a fucked up place where safety is a foreign and alien concept.

Let's do something about this type of thing, life is short but it should not be cut so short that whatever we do ceases to have any meaning whatsoever.

Honey Boo Boo SHIT!

I have always had an issue with reality television in part because I know that reality is rehearsed. There is a huge difference between actors putting together a nice episode of television and morons acting like bigger morons for entertainment. At this point I want to enter Honey Boo Boo into the equation. Everywhere I turn I hear about this portly nuisance and her pageant ambitions.

What I really dislike is the fact that this show airs on TLC. TLC used to be known as The Learning Channel and I would like to know what in the fuck is anyone learning from this ridiculous series. That whole family is ill mannered and disgusting and really contribute nothing to society. Honey Boo Boo is becoming something likened to Jesus apparently. I guess we should really take heed of our latest spiritual figure.

The world is really headed into the fucking toilet, Snooky the drunken whore, Honey Boo Boo the little porker fashion maven. I wonder what the fuck is next in terms of what's out there. Seriously people wake the fuck up and take this shit off the air. It's not really okay, none of it is, it's one overly rehearsed series of shit vignettes after the other. I prefer 20 more years of law and order to "real" shit.

I am going to be starting in my own series called " FUCK IT MAN"!

It's good to look back in order to not do any real work

So when exactly did it become okay for news to go back as far fourteen years? If we go by the definition of news it states the following:

1) Newly received or noteworthy information, esp. about recent or important events.

Okay so It's my guess that this would apply to every subject from politics to fashion. I understand that the internet is a melting pot but I wonder if it has become a melting pot for totally unchallenged stupidity. I open my news feed in order to see what information of note was there and most of the information was either ridiculous in nature or rehashed information from years ago.

I do understand the value of something memorable but in the times we are living. Is it really necessary to talk about Rose Mcgowan's 1998 VMA dress? Maybe I have become jaded but if something is going to be labeled "news" make it it significant enough for people to take their time and actually read it. One last note to the world please ban that fucking idiot Perez Hilton, that guy is a total shitbag.