SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

I love being a father, I love kids, and I have fond memories of my childhood and a few defining moments that helped shape a large portion of my behavior. When I was a kid I had a very basic and clear description of the "Don't go there regions." Im certain you are wondering what the hell a " Don't go there region" is, so by all means let me enlighten you. The following list covers some of the major "Don't go there regions" of my youth:

1. Stealing.
2. Raising my voice.
3. Interrupting others.
4. Fighting.
5. Disrespecting my elders.
6. Bullying.
7. Tantrums. 
8. Staying up late.

As I grew each region took on a new dimension but essentially the concept was the same. One thing that I did was test the regions, as it turns out my first test was successful in giving me a clear message that further testing would result in some manner of my own demise.  I will never forget it because it involved 3 regions at once as well as my favorite candy.

I was a five year old and extremely outgoing, I had what some would call a winning personality that captured the heart of many, partly because I was a master at engaging people in conversation. My mom and Step Dad took me to the supermarket after picking me up from school. This particular trip was a welcome change as it meant that I could play both sides against the middle and get a box of Jordan Almonds, my favorite candy. 

I attempted to work my plan when, in unison, my parents said " NO." I could see my hope evaporate, the taste of the sweet shell left as soon as it had arrived. In my young and semi- devious mind I was crushed as well as blinded by my ambition. The 1980's were a decade of greed and I was greedy for my candy. Naturally I did what came natural to a child that age and threw a tantrum, my mother squashed it with something I like to refer to as the eyebrow of death. I wrestled the almonds away from my step dad's hand and darted to the comfort of our car. I thought this was done and over seeing as how possession is nine tenths of the law. I was so mistaken as both my parents spanked me, took the almonds, and proceeded to punish me. 

Now I flash forward thirty years and think of some of the kids I see today. Parents are totally afraid to discipline their kids and the little fuckers know, and often take advantage of the situation. I'm not saying this is the majority of cases or even half but I swear it sickens me. Parents don't need to beat the shit out of their kids but some parameters and a spanking when necessary in order to assert authority works way better than a conversation. Spanking is not abuse, using a belt or going medieval is. What was done to our parents in the 50's and 60's helped spawn peace and love and that's great, but seriously. 

COMICS ON TV

I recently read that Agents of SHIELD is steadily losing viewers which brings to mind something I've always thought, extremes with comic book stories are not very good in television. When Batman came out in 1966 it was a lot of camp and not too much substance. That series worked because back in those days television was not a charged medium. The Superman series starring George Reeves was geared toward kids and it had been on air in the 1950's.

Superman was highly predictable and did not have much depth since it only had a 30 minute timespan in which to tell a full story. If you fast forward to the 70's you have shows like Shazam, Wonder Woman, and the ill fated Justice League, series.

All of these shows failed to get long runs out of the gate because by the 70's there were more shows chose from and comic books were not really as marketable as before. With films such as Star Wars it seemed like comic books would be doomed. Yes Superman was released in 1978 and it was a huge box office hit but beyond that it seemed like the genre did not really have a life in the small screen.

Fast forward to the early 90's and it was more of the same with failed attempts in shows such as the Flash, and Justice League. It wasn't until Smallville that there was a real success with heroes. Now we look at SHIELD and see what's wrong.

People expect all out action and special effects sometimes and SHIELD has not gone that route. SHIELD has taken to slowly telling a story that relies on depth mixed with action. A show like Smallville began to step away from the soap opera in order to bring in more comic book aspects and while that worked, it took a little bit of wind from the shows sails. As far as SHIELD goes there's a possibility that it can nail the right balance if given a chance. People should not view it as just another comic book show. Perhaps the show is lagging because it only has one so far compelling character in terms of Agent Coulson.

I hope the show stays on the air because I think it's a great show.

SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THE NIGHTMARE

If you've been keeping up with me, you know I hate Honey Boo Boo. I think that show is a great example of everything that's wrong with society. You have an almost 300 lb. woman raising a hateful little pig of a child that doesn't understand the importance of manners. We live in a society where obesity is frowned upon and yet this show glorifies it. As a result of watching this fucking show you got people that don't understand if being an ill mannered porker is a good thing.

I say boycott this fucking show, boycott TLC and let's do away with the Honey Boo Boo deal. Someone please bring back good television, let's get Remote Control on the air again. Fuck you Honey Boo Boo, and your ugly mom too.

MY FIRST BRUSH WITH INSANITY

You ever have a brush with insanity? I remember when I first met this particular aide of the mind. I was about 6 years old, the year was 1985. I use to love to watch cartoons on Sunday mornings. I was a morning person and the youngest in my home, so being up early was almost a requirement. I was really heavy into action cartoons but I had a soft spot for Warner Brothers classics. I remember one Sunday morning in 1985 very well because what I saw gave me the feeling that it was okay to think beyond normal, and into the insane.

The cartoon I saw was called Porky in Wackyland, that cartoon was a gem of insanity that saw Porky fly into some sort of crazy world in search of the one and only Do Do. I thought this was some cutting edge stuff. This world known as Wackyland was the first visual psychedelic world that was visual to society. This short was crafted in 1938 and it became something of a hit, with children and parents. The thing is that this cartoon was a serious step into surrealism.

Surrealism, to me, is something of a state of insanity. Visually speaking this cartoon was a trip to insanity for me. I did not understand this cartoon and I hated the fact that it had no anvils, pianos, that it had cartoony qualities whatsoever. Weeks later I would see things in clouds and come up with stories about the world in general. I was an oddball of sort because I could see more than He Man or other trendy characters.

I wondered if I was crazy for feeling this way, but I realized years later that I was not crazy. This cartoon introduced me to insanity, a friend and aide. When it's properly controlled and reigned in, insanity is a special friend. Thanks Porky, I owe you for that special day.

REMEMBER WHEN WRITERS ACTUALLY GAVE A SHIT

I was recently watching my Miami Vice DVD set and wondering what the hell happened to good television. When I was growing up writers actually tried hard to put out a good product. Yes, in the 80's and 90's there were a lot of shows that depended heavily on stale jokes and laugh tracks, but at least they tried. Today I switch channels thinking that TV is simply the prostitute you go to for the sweet release of death.

Right now there are a handful of shows that I give a crap about and I have to pay to watch them. When you think about how many channels there are on television, and what little quality is out there, it's impossible to believe the programming is so stale and crack whore like. I don't care for housewives, whores, celebrity self destruction, or anything on the air today.

Perhaps I am becoming old but at 34 I doubt that's the case. I think that I just can't stand the prostitution of the word reality and the constant lies made to look like regular life. I don't give a shit about pseudo celebrities that lack talent, I could care less about roundtables of nonsense, and I don't give a damn about Jessica Simpson. Someone please dust of the real writers and bring back quality programming please.

THE LAURA BUSH GAY MARRIAGE AD

Former first lady Laura Bush requested that her clip from an interview be taken off an ad advocating gay marriage. The reason this bit of news caught my eye is because the trending headline read "Laura Bush Gay." I am not writing this to give an opinion on gay marriage but rather to point out a few things that struck me. This particular article that I read sparked a myriad of comments that ranged from Nazi Germany comparisons to vile comments on gay marriage.

I personally feel that when someone is going to give an opinion on such a sensitive subject they should be educated on their reasons for being either behind it or against it. To bring the Nazi Germany comparison in is absurd but to say that this is a ridiculous cause is equally absurd. If you agree or disagree with homosexuality it's your business but please be educated when rendering an opinion. I think it's bullshit commentary that not only divides us as a society but also makes us look like an ignorant and rudimentary nation.

People do not need to agree on everything in order to be progressive but they need to have the ability to listen as well as discuss. I think it's fair that as a free country boasting of the best democratic system in the planet we act much in the same manner as our founding fathers did. Ages ago a document was crafted and in detail it outlined a government by the people and for the people, why is it that 236 years later we cannot stick to the hopes for growth and progress that crafted that document?

CELEBRITY REHAB IS PURE SHIT

I wrote on a previous entry about how I felt with regards to Dr. Drew. I referred to him as a cheap whore and I touched upon my sheer feeling of disgust for the show Celebrity Rehab. Now I want to touch on why I think that show should be canceled altogether. This show is everything that's wrong with the world today. No one and I do mean no one can be cured in the public eye when dealing with addiction issues. This show takes celebrities long past their prime and desperate to be seen again and gives them a chance for exposure.

What I hate is the fact that a lot of the celebrities that go on this show see it as a way to publicly exorcise demons in order to work again. I hate the fact that Dr. Drew says "I wish we could take more responsibility." I would love to ask him if he actually ever made the effort to reach out beyond the show. Dr. Drew claims that he spoke to Mindy Mccready recently, some two weeks prior to her death. The fact is that Mindy's problems had not ended after her run with the show so I wonder how aware he was of her issues.

I understand that individual responsibility plays a part on a person's ability to rehabilitate. I am aware that it's up to the person what he or she wants to do as far as overcoming addictions is concerned. I don't believe that there should be a public forum for celebrities to do so. Making a comeback professionally should not be what a public figure thinks of when entering a rehab facility. There is a new and very annoying fad in the world of entertainment today that drives this stupid show.

Celebrities have come back from obscurity bigger than before because they have recovered from addictions. Now there is a forgive such and such a person movement because such and such a person may still prove surprising like say, Mickey Rourke. Celebrity rehab bothers me because it capitalizes on that and weak celebrities assume that they could once again reach a certain level of prominence. I do wonder how those celebrities feel when they realize they are sharing that stage with figures such as Michael Lohan whose biggest achievement is being Lindsey Lohan's father.

Not everyone that has battled addiction has also retained any semblance of marketability and to make them think otherwise is a travesty. The people that have overcome addiction have done so privately and with every intention of making their life right. This asshole Dr. Drew should think for once in his life and try to act on the side of ethics for once in his shitty life.

Enough already, cancel that stinking show and let people be.

THE NEW GEORGE BURNS IS: BETTY WHITE!

Every decade there is a comedian that stands out because he or she manages to beat the clock through laughter. The cool elder statesman of the 1970's was Jack Benny and after him came George Burns. Burns rejuvenated his career in the 1970's after his performance in The Sunshine Boys which garnered him an Academy Award and a legion of new followers that saw him move on to performances in Oh God among other films as well as as the release of a country album. I think that the long lasting nature of these comedians is due to their ability to make people laugh.

The new elder of comedy is Betty White, whose double entendres and grand dame demeanor make her one of America's treasures. What's amazing about how these comedians get to that point is the fact that they creep up like cotton headed ninjas full of energy and youth. Slowly but surely these comedians show why they stand the test of time. Betty White makes up material using current trends like Facebook and vaginas. You have to admire someone that at 91 years of age can make a younger generation crave her work.

Lasting long and staying fresh is a testament to the healing power of laughter but it goes deeper than that. People like Betty White have a quality that draws others, it's the humor and the subtle nature of its delivery. I think it's only proper to say thank you to Betty White as well as her predecessors because without them the world would be a rather dreary place and we would not have certain beacons that remind us of the fact that aging is only a physical necessity.  

ONE LAST TIME JR

Dallas will never be the same now that JR is gone. It's easy to speculate that the new series may not survive now that the soul of the Dallas core died. The 10 gallon hat, the neckerchief, the Rolex with the custom made strap, and the boots will stay in one corner casting an impossible shadow.

As a fan of the series I would love to see how they will kill of good ol' JR. With the incredibly powerful Cliff Barnes perhaps it would be approrpiate to give JR's biggest nemesis his first victory Maybe JR fell victim to a plane crash arranged by Cliff in his attempt to destroy the Ewings. Perhaps JR was killed by an old nemesis such as Westar Oil's disgraced former CEO Jeremy Wendell. I think it would be nice to see him go out in one last battle.

I am sure it's all going to depend on the direction the new episodes are headed and what they were doing in terms of the story focusing on the newer characters. JR Ewing is a character that will never be topped, replaced, forgotten, or ignored. JR is a part of America's fabric and as such he should leave as he came in and that is with grand style and incomparable

GIVE IT UP YOU JACKASS

I guess that when a bunch of idiots coined the term reality they decided that they would change the definition of the word. Along with prostituting the term reality into some sort of amorphous word they also decided to further plunge society into a shit hole by giving airtime to people that did not deserve alive time let alone a platform to influence anyone.

Let us start with the show Joe Millionaire or as I like to refer to it, shit on camera. This was a show about a supposed millionaire looking for his Ms. Right. The truth was that he was not a millionaire but a construction worker that was really an aspiring actor/ underwear model. This bastard series only captivated the ire of most because it was being labeled as reality. That series was nothing more than a whore version of The Bachelor. I won't expand on the latter series because quite frankly it is also a pile of serious feces.

The real fact of the matter is that these types of shows allowed moron after moron fifteen minutes of undeserved and unearned fame. Idiots like Evan Marriott and Darva Conger are given a platform to not only lie and pretend but also express how they are moral ad upstanding people. To these wonderfully "talented" circus clowns I say GIVE IT UP, IT'S OVER.

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ONE HIT VERSUS MULTIPLE

This particular entry is not really about a societally relevant topic but it's one that makes me laugh and even cry a little bit inside. I love 80's music but I hate the term one hit wonder because I think it's really used improperly. Let me go ahead and explain what it is I mean and where I am headed.

VH1 constantly used to air specials about one hit wonders and the usual suspects showed up. The Buggles, Haircut 100, Bow Wow Wow, and yes the legendary Taco. To me al of that made sense because it's not like Taco had a smash follow up to "Putting on the Ritz." The truth is that those were all fun one off songs that everyone could enjoy in a nice 80's disco with a lot of flashy lights and mega amounts of gnarly cocaine in the back room. I always had a massive problem with one addition and that was Gary Numan.

What exactly made Gary Numan a one hit wonder? The song cars is apparently the culprit here. I have an issue when you consider that three years before Gary Numan and the Tubeway Army had a hit with are friends electric and were bringing a dark and edgy style music to the world. The songs like " Are Friends Electric" and "Down in the Park" were new and very innovative.

While none of this is really relevant today it is a part of what shaped real music and switched tastes from genres like producer influenced disco to sound and meaning driven styles of music. I would not consider any of that punk music but still it meant something and it's nice to get it right.