TRAVEL STORY FROM A LONG LONG FLIGHT

I love airplanes because they are like cans of sardines full of crazy goodness. To me a flight no matter how long or short is something of an experience. I love to just sit and watch people because I understand that in every individual lies a story waiting to be told. Sometimes that story is really the jerk you are seated next to or behind.

I guess you know where I am headed with this so here it goes. In the plane on the way back to the US I had the misfortune of being seated behind this idiot. The guy reclined his seat so far back that I could barely move. The guy was not only inconsiderate but a total ass as well. This is the type of person that brings his own Coca Cola and leaves the fucking cans under the seat. I was angry but this day and age kicking ass on a plane is not a good idea.

I decided to take the best approach to solving my problem. I saw a kid nearby and realized he was part of a tourist family headed to Disney. I offered the kid twenty bucks to scream "That man scares me" as the asshole slept. I worked out a signal with the kid and was shocked that his parents did not realize the transaction. I waited and waited to make my move. I noticed the asshole was in a deep sleep so I decided to strike with cobra like precision.

I gave the kid my signal and he screamed and started to fake cry and screamed the agreed upon phrase. The asshole was jolted because the kid screamed so loud and then the Flight Attendant requested he put his seat up a little bit. I laughed inside with great joy and jubilation. Ultimately the guy asked me if I was okay with the position of his seat to which I responded " Sure, no problems here." The look of discomfort and embarrassment in his face were well worth the twenty dollars I spent.

GOTTA LOVE OLD ASSHOLES

So I was at London's Gatwick Airport and after making it through the series of lines required to take me to the gate I was en route to the actual gate itself. When I stopped at the line for the gate I encountered a man that was at least 700 years old and reminded me of everything I hated about my childhood.

This old man was unhappy, unkempt, wrinkled all to hell and reeked of awful ribbon candy. As I moved on to show my passport the man saw it was not signed. I was carrying a new passport so it was an honest oversight. The man asked me if I had ever been witness to any terrorist activity. I was shocked by the question so I responded with an emphatic "NO." The old bastard continued to ask me bullshit questions and I continued to answer.

I was asked if I harbored illegals in place of residence as well as if I had ever been convicted of rape. I decided to tell him the Chunk story from The Goonies because he was really pissing me off. The old man stopped me angrily and told me to move on and be less suspicious next time. I told him to try wearing Old Spice to a party full of hookers. I am sure he did not hear me as I mumbled the insult in an attempt from being arrested.

The point of this rant is really just if you are old please do not be an asshole and if you are an old asshole do not work in an airport.

Tragedy Imitating Art

Often times we wonder if what we see in film can translate to real life. Take a movie like "Death Wish" for example. We wonder if there really is some architect with the desire of to kill every dirty bastard criminal out there. Then you have 007 films where the super spy  sleeps around, drinks, and kills bad people without worrying about getting an STD,cirrhosis, or retribution. In reality precision killing and action packed sequences do not seem to occur, at least not often.

In the French Alps the bodies of four victims were found gunned down in cold blooded and precise fashion. This brings me to a very simple question, why? We live in a world where there is enough killing so why make it worst? In this case a mother's dead body was covering her 4 year old daughter's live body. There was another girl 8 years old with a gunshot wound to the head still alive. The girl's father and a passenger, a woman, were both shot and not too far a cyclist was shot execution style.

I am sure people would question what the father did or the mystery woman or even the cyclist. I am sure the questions will pop up such as

1. Was the father the target?
2. Was the mother the target?
3. Was the lady target?
4. Was the cyclist the target and the family in the way?
5. Why was this family targeted and the cyclist a victim of circumstance?
6. Why was the family in vacation in the French Alps?
7. What kind of gun was used?

The questions will come around and the conclusions will follow I am sure. Every imbecile wanting to play CSI and Homicide investigator. I look at this and think that the world is truly a fucked up place where safety is a foreign and alien concept.

Let's do something about this type of thing, life is short but it should not be cut so short that whatever we do ceases to have any meaning whatsoever.