OH MY! DONALD TRUMP IS AN OLD WHORE

Okay so there is this whole "Dump Trump" movement going because let's face facts the guy is a serious asshole. While I understand how this guy may create some discomfort for people I have to say the movement is a sort of joke in my view. Today we are living in a society where controversy generates revenue and attention.

Donald Trump has fashioned his name into a brand and at the end of the day he understands how to sell himself, in a way he is an old experienced whore. People want the old days but sadly the progression of todays society points toward brash, nasty, foolish people to provide entertainment.

Trump is an asshole and the world knows that but they will tune in to hear what bullshit he has come up with. While Macy's may lose some tradition points with Trump they are not likely to lose attention. The Trump/Macy's marriage will continue because both of them get something out of it. The saddest thing here is that no one really understands that is movement is only enforcing Trump as a figure of substance rather than as an asshole not meritotious of the light of day.

LET'S BE STUPID

So there is a petition calling for Piers Morgan to be deported. The petition has gathered well over 30,000 signatures and it is quite possibly the stupidest movement against a single individual since Jesus was crucified. I am not actually comparing Piers Morgan to Jesus so settle down you sanctimonious nancy boys. This whole thing comes on the heels of Piers Morgan taking a strong stance in favor of gun control.

Okay if the morons signing this petition stop and look at what the lack of gun control laws is doing to this country they would not be signing this on the grounds of what they consider an attack on the second amendment. Okay yes we do have the right to bear arms but there is no spot that states anything about killing children and yet that happens every day in this country. Do the laws and freedoms also apply to those intending on comitting crimes?

Piers Morgan is using his platform to try and help a bad situation and because of 30,000 gun loving morons we are looking like an ignorant nation full of gun toting idiots. I also want to quote the second amendment for all the idiots out there "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." This means a militia not a single lunatic. If we can put a man on the moon we should be able to regulate how guns or weapons of any sort are distributed.

I understand accidents happen but you idiots Sandy Hook was not a fucking accident. I seriously abhor ignorance and how it seems to draw so much attention. I don't always agree with Piers Morgan and I find him a bit arrogant at times but this is one thing I agree with him on. I do believe we need to regulate the sale of arms to the public. If Piers Morgan is attacking the rights of Americans then who is protecting the rights of kids that get killed daily through incidents involving gun violence? Who is protecting the rights of innocent victims getting shot during robberies?

Seems like the backers of the second amendment only know how to read that part of the constitution because they are really ignorant to all other parts of it. I say keep Piers Morgan and throw out garbage like Ted Nugent.

PS. If you are offended by my views go fuck yourself as it is my right to express myself.

MIKE BUSEY, THE FAT KID PLOTTING EVIL

I remember as a child witnessing various incidents surrounding the fat assholekid that sat in a corner plotting something. Of course this always cracked me up as the kid always had a look on his face that said " I did no wrong." I am reminded of those days because of Mike Busey's mug shot.

Busey was arrested for selling alcohol during a house party in his home the "Sausage Castle." Busey took the time to pose like a Santa on meth. Frankly this makes me want to know what a Busey reunion would be like. I think that between the teeth, blonde hair, and desparate attention seeking behavior it would be amazing. I can see it now, sack racing, uncle Gary giving speeches about how the world will be better if we all eat tomatoes naked. I think Mike would steal the show reciting poetry with a gigantic naked man relieving himself next to him.

This guy is entertaining to me by virtue of the fact that he is so ridiculous. It's obvious there is no real talent behind this particular Busey AKA Mike Ward. I think the Sausage Castle is coming to an end almost as sad as its pathetic owner.

Hey Busey see if you can get a part time spot at Best Buy where they need more idiots like you.

HOW I SAVED THE WORLD FROM THE MAYAN DOOMSDAY

There was a prediction in the Mayan Calendar that the world would end in 12/21/2013. This prediction was laughed at by many as the Mayans were unable to avoid their own demise. The Mayan Calendar did actually get some predictions about wars and what not correctly. Alas I must confess that they were right about the end of the world but they did not count on the fact that I would know how to save the world and each of the world's inhabitants.

At around midnight on 12/21 I saw something odd in the sky. Upon further investigation I noticed it was a flying saucer. I kid you not loyal readers I saw a flying saucer. I decided to follow it and I witnessed it land, out of it stepped a couple of weird little men wearing Tommy Bahama shorts and shirts. I automatically decided to follow them as they walked speaking an odd and kind of squeaky language made up of clicks and what have you.

It was a cold and festive night in the streets of Amsterdam and as I tailed them I noticed they stepped into the red light district. I realized they thought that the world was run by prostitutes. I thought that in a way they were right because all politicians are prostitutes in some respect. The weird litle men continued to knock on the doors of hookers in order to have a leadership summit.

I tailed them right into a cafe designed for those that indulge in the consumption of vast quantities of cannabis. I realized this could be either dangerous or really good. I decided to go ahead and enter the cafe and ask the attendant to provide them with several large brownies and a couple of large special cigarettes. The little men consumed said items with voracious desire and seemed to lose a great deal of orientation. The men went back to knock on the red light window and meet with the "leader." I made sure they were provided for by paying a substantial amount of money to ensure myself enough time to check their ship.

I went to the ship and noticed some missiles designed to destroy planets and horrified tried to disarm them. I knew that I could make this happen since the instruction manual was in English, Dutch, French, Japanese, and some backwoods Patua so I was lucky. I disarmed the missiles which looked an awful lot like nerf missiles. I went back to the red light district to check on the little men.

In fron of the door I saw a puddle of alien remains and realized that the little men were deathly allergic to hooker juice and weed. I know that there is a distinct possibility that at least 40% of this story may well be a mental fabrication while 30% maybe conjecture and another 30% maybe a total lie. The point is I saved the world in some way my friends.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

OH SAM!

Sam Donaldson got pulled over for a DUI recently and it was kept under wraps for a while. I have to laugh a little because honestly I find Sam to be the most arrogant sack of crap in the history of news reporting. I am not sure if it's the toupee or if it's his demeanor but the guy is like an ass that you want to constantly kick.

I think newsmen like Sam have an inherent knack for coming off as arrogant because they criticize public figures but they themselves are filled with imperfections. The truth of the matter is that Sam Donaldson's overly argumentative nature as an anchor and contributor to several political programs as well as a White House correspondent make him the equivalent of a human fart.

I personally hope that this particular experience will make Sam consider taking off that horrible dead cat on top of his head.

CHEERS SAM!

LONELINESS OF BEING

I have always wondered if even people that claim to love being surrounded by others are really just trying to mask a feeling of intense loneliness. Each and every single one of us is an individual so it's fair to ask if deep down because of our individual natures we are all lonely to some extent. In my case it's easy to answer that because I have always felt alone and somewhat outside the sphere.

We are born alone and we die alone so it is fair to wonder if some of us are more affected by that moment of loneliness that brings us in or even the one that takes us out. Life can be so damn complicated and it seems like loneliness is one of those very unpleasant complications. We all face that moment in the mirror where we ask questions only we can answer. At the end of the day we are put in a position where we must learn to be by ourselves and for ourselves.

I guess we are all lonely and the difference between one lonely person and another is one may be able to use it as a source of strength as opposed to the greatest fountain of weakness. Loneliness is a fundamental part of the human condition and like everything else in life it's how we use that loneliness that makes a difference.

MY WISHES FOR TIM TEBOW

For the past three years Tim Tebow has served as more of a show pony than anything else. The quaterback has really been more of an anomaly as he is known more for his limited playing and core values than actual achievements. Everyone loves a little Tebow talk but it's not quite like Joe Montana talk or Terry Bradshaw talk. People would rather find out if he is still a pure soldier of the holy wars as opposed to a dirty devil. Given Tebow's current status with the Jets and given the idea that his short a lackluster career may soon be winding down to farm leagues such as the UFL I have ten wishes for Tebow to make his career last a little while longer.

1. Please do something insane like rent a limo full of hookers in order to get some attention for having an instinct.
2. Start a youtubeaccount where you condem both the Jets and the Broncos for not seeing you as the field prophet.
3. Come out on hte field one day with flour allover your nose screaming " I AM THE SECOND COMING."
4. Develop a nasty mean streak and foul the shit out of other players.
5. Next team you go to make sure to punch the coach in hte face and scream " I AM THE ALPHA MALE"
6. Show up on Kelly and Michael and challenge Michael Strahan to a dance off.
7. Facebook Tiki Barber's girfriend asking her if she wants to feel a little Tebow inside her.
8. Tell everyone that if The Beatles were bigger than God you are for sure bigger than The Beatles.
9. Tell your congregation you have decided to go Pagan.
10. Make sure that for every completion you scream "SERENITY NOW" to show everyone you are down with the trends even if said trends are from some 17 years ago.

That's right Tebow, be a rebel without a cause and clue and your career will be remebered as great comic relief for die hard sport fans that live pathetically through false idols.

THE PROFESSIONAL AND THE TOURIST

Upon his trip to Amsterdam a young tourist decided he would walk through the cobblestone streets of the historic city. The young man marveled at the canals, passing ships and historical feel of Amsterdam. There was somehting simply amazing about the city that could not be explained .The young man found himself a tad disoriented as night fell fast.

As this young man had never before gone to Amsterdam he found himslef in the historic red light district. The youngster was innocent and naive and was not aware of the fact that you could smoke great mind enhancers legally as well as meet ladies of professional extent in this place. Granted in the whole of Amsterdam it is legal to smoke happy cigarettes.

The young man entered a "pool hall" and requested a brownie, a cigarette, and a glass of 2% milk. After a good thirty minutes the young man was high and so very happy. Walking through the narrow streets of the red light district the young man caught the eye of a hooker with a heart of gold. The name of this gorgeous hooker was Barbie G, yes it was Barbie G. The young man knocked on her glass door and said " Hello, I am lost, cold and confused." The gorgeous hooker said " For sure you are a tourist."

The young man requested milk and some chips. Barbie did not know this was an actual request for milk and chips so she attempted to position herself for a Sanchez type maneuver. The shocked youngster said "Please I am hungry and thirsty." The young hooker served him a glass of milk and spread Nutela on some bread. The two seemed to start a great friendship that eventually turned into a great hooker Cindirella and Prince Naive story.

The young hooker and tourist would marry and have well over 12 children with lovely Nordic names. The tourist would become a lauded politician and professor while his wife would become a fierce women's rights advocate.

The moral of the story is simple: We can all be pimps and hookers but we're not all honest about it though.

TOODALOO BABIES!!!!

WHAT WILL IT DO?

I can understand why people want answers about Adam Lanza but I fail to see what the obsession will do during this particular time. Adam Lanza committed a dastardly crime that will long be remebered as one of the darkest, and lowest points in humanity. Today one of eight funerals started and a trending article focuses on Adam Lanza's hard drive.

I have a problem because the fact is that Lanza obviously had problems, psychological problems that were far too deep and went untreated far too long. I saw his former babysitter say that Lanza's mother said "Don't turn your back on Adam." The mother knew somehting was wrong and never addressed it. Was Lanza's mother affraid of her son being labeled? It seems to me Adam was already considered an oddball by everyone that knew him.

If Adam's mother was living comfortably why did she not use her means to get some help for her son instead of purchasing deadly weapons? Oh yes we live in a free country and everyone has the right to bare arms but psychological help is for sissy types. So now we get back to the hard drive and why it angers me.

Everyone is looking for answers but the answers will accomplish nothing. There is no way and I mean no way that any one person with any mountain of evidence can truly come up with an answer for this horrible tragedy. No religious figure or mental health professional can explain this in any way shape or form. A total of 28 lives were lost 20 of which never really got started. I think it is sickening to see how everyone in positions of power is using this as a way to say we need to address gun control. Gun control should have been addressed years ago before this tragedy had a chance to happen. I also think that Adam Lanza's drive will answer nothing and let's face the fact that it won't. Adam Lanza was smart enough to destroy it knowing what he was going to do.

In the end there is no way to get closure especially for the parents of the little children that were killed. Adam Lanza knew he was going to do something drastic, dramatic, and unforgettable in every single way. The children can't be returned and the others cannot come back either. Adam Lanza won't face a jury, he won't serve time, and he will not have the time reflect on what he did. I ask one more time: What will it do? The hard drive will do nothing at all, there are no answers.

IMAGINE 2013

John Lennon sang about no hell below us and above us only sky in the timeless Imagine. I think John was on to something. Today we rely on too much religion, too much war, too much freedom, but realy what do we have from it? I think that is a rhetorical question with an obvious answer.

Perhaps I am developing late Woodstock reflux and I am ready to break out the daisies with some colorful shirts and bubbles. I think though that I am more a broken spirit wondering why so many people have to die without any dam sense whatsoever. We fight wars for years that only hurt the lives of those noble enough to make the sacrifice for self and country. Here at home we fail to fight the wars that would avoid tragedies like the one in Sandy Hook Elementary.

Imagine if in 2013 religious figures stuck to just spreading the word for their respective religions and quit the bullshit and sanctimonious pandering they seem to be so good at. I wonder if it's possible to imagine a 2013 without war and mass death. I guess we are all so jaded that it's impossible to imagine this but just for a minute to see it like that makes the world good again.

THE WORLD WON'T END BUT HUMANITY MAY HAVE

The Mayans may have really only been saying that humanity and decency would end on 12/21/2012. What happened in Sandy Hook Elementary school to all those children is an absolute tragedy that only shows we need to take heed as a society. There are so many things to be debated here.

Adam Lanza was a product of a very well to do home where it seems like the only major issue was his parents divorce. There is also another issue with guns and what a major part they seemed to play in the Lanza household. I wonder how many zealots pushing the right to bare arms are going to try and say this is part of the political agenda to enforce gun control.

To me it is inexplicable how this happened with the exeption of the Lanza family not understanding that Adam Lanza had an obvious disorder given his reclusive nature and fiercely abnormal intelligence.We always like to find one thing but the truth is that we need to look at so many things. Mental illness, gun control, come on these are children that died. What the hell are we doing? What can we do? The world is not getting better because all we do is turn everything into some issue for talking points. I say man the fuck up, woman the fuck up and let's all make a serious change for the sake of future generations.

LADY IN THE PASTRY SHOP YOU ARE A BITCH!

I seem to have the best luck for attracting the worst people in bakeries and pastry shops. Most recently I was in a roadside pastry shop in Amsterdam where I was interested in enjoying a delicious treat filled a lemon cream of some sort. The place was full of life and wonder and it was near a lovely skating rink with a christmas tree in the middle. I loved the fact that the pastry was layed out in such a crisp manner that it almost looked like a work of art.

I ask for the pastry and this horrid bobine bitch yells at me "What do you want?" I responded nicely and she just put my pastry in a bag sort of like a prom night dumpster baby of some sort. I was really angry but I held the juices in and just smiled. I thought "well maybe she is having a bad day."

After days passed I went back to the same spot and the bitch attended to me again in similar fashion. The thing is that this has happened to me multiple times in different places. I am tired so from this point I want to state that if you work in a bakery, or pastry shop, or even a cheese shop and you have an attitude you can seriously go fuck yourself.

Thank you, that is all for now.

JUSTICE IS A BITCH......REALLY

I don't know why I am particularly moved to write about justice maybe I am bored or maybe I am running out of material but at any rate I am doing it because I can. People love to say that justice is blind, but, is justice balanced? I ask because the symbol of justice is a scale. I am no philosopher but as a child conducting basic science experiments in school scales were used for weight distribution examples with little gram weights.

It was easy to see that more weight in one side meant that the scale would tip that way. Now I want to pose a question: If that weight is previledge, wealth, and power in case where someone was abused in some unfair way is justice really blind? I guess it's a really hard question to answer.

I wonder if the people that thought OJ Simpson was guilty felt that justice was really blind. Justice is not a person we can influence but it does carry an outcome we can influence if we are smart. Was justice really served in the Casey Anthony trial when all the evidence seemed to point in her direction? Is capitalizing on a weak prosecutor's inability to establish a plausible case really an example of justice being blind?

If we really look at things from a practical point point of view we can say that yes justice is blind and that handicap is a disadvantage that creates outcomes not always favorable to visible reality. Justice is blind and it's also a bitch because it can really be made to accommodate cases that really don't merit it.

SERIOUSLY EVERYONE DESERVES A REST

 



 

So Lindsay Lohan's storage locker is going up for auction anng news. I wonder exactly how this is a relevant issue. Are we so desperate to see people fall that we will root into their private lives like rodents? Wow Lindsay Lohan is a human being full of problems I guess that makes her not so out of the ordinary.

 

Privacy is something that should be respected and afforded to everyone equally and given the economy, wars overseas, and general state of the world this is not a news event worthy of scrutiny. I understand the fascination with celebrity because everyone has it to a degree but what is the deal with the fascination for disgrace? I think, and this is just me, that everyone deserves a break to deal with certain matters privately.

 

I for one could care less about someone else's financial issues if those issues don't make a difference in the way the world works. I guess what I am saying is GET A LIFE PEOPLE THE WORLD IS TOO BIG FOR THIS KIND OF BS!

HOOKAH FOR YOU, HOOKAH FOR ME, HAPPY WE WILL BE

Now hookahs are the new health concern in the state of California where the air is as polluted as the ideas of a midwestern girl with stardom dreams driving through Burbank. Okay studies are being conducted that are meritorious in nature but no need to sound the wet blanket alarm. Let's understand one thing people, no one with common sense smokes hookahs on a daily basis.

In my own personal experience I would share the thing with at least two or three other friends. Yes the displacement of smoke in a hookah is greater than a cigarette but by comparison to chain smokers there is no real difference. I think that ultimately it's a personal choice and seeing as how we live in a free country it's fair to say that we have the right to light it up the big hookah.

I think that people need to relax because truthfully there is a lot more out there to worry about than hookah smoke. I believe wholeheartedly that murder, war, drugs and rape are bigger concerns for society.

GO TO THE LOUNGE LIGHT UP, WISE UP, AND LIVE IT UP!

A FISCAL CLIFF CONVERSATION

Okay so there was an article about the impending Fiscal Cliff and it was titled "Night Talks: Obama, Boehner Meet on "Fiscal Cliff." I find that particular title disturbing as it makes me think. I wonder what a conversation between the two would sound like late during the night.

OBAMA: Hello John!

BOEHNER: Hello Mr. President.

OBAMA: How are you this evening?

BOEHNER: I am in my pajamas resting, drinking a hot tea with some bread nutella spread all over it.

OBAMA: Sounds lovely John, now we must talk about this fiscal cliff coming up.

BOEHNER: What are you wearing Mr. President?

OBAMA: Black suit, white shirt, red tie. John it is imperative we discuss this cliff.

BOEHNER: That sounds lovely and very handsome on you.

OBAMA: John the top 2% of earners can afford to pay extra taxes.

BOEHNER: Your voice is so beautiful.

OBAMA: What?

BOEHNER: What? I mean you are right they can pay but they should not because future trust fund children will not be able to finance elections as well as now.

OBAMA: John we are killing the middle class.

BOEHNER: Nutella is so sexy, like you.

OBAMA: I am, what?

BOEHNER: I mean that we should re-examine the Reagan economic model.

OBAMA: John have you been smoking Cannabis?

BOEHNER: Want to come over and listen to Gangnam style?

The conversation would go on for several more minutes and nothing would be accomplished leading to another deadlock on the fiscal cliff. In the end this one was caused by Nutella, Gangnam Style, and possibly Cannabis.



DEATH, MY OLD FRIEND, HOW ARE YOU?

Death is the event we are born for in this life. There is no way to tell when or how it's coming we just know that it is. To many death is a form with a scythe and little in the way of friendly conversation. Ultimately death has a job but do you ever wonder what it would say to you or you would say to it ? I think I have my Antonius Block conversation all figured out.

DEATH: I have come to claim your soul

ME: Want to play Dominoes?

DEATH: No time.

ME: Eternity is a long time don't you think?

DEATH: What do you want to talk about?

ME: How do you chose people's time?

DEATH: It's a lot like the subway, every train has a turn.

ME: If I win a Domino game can I live longer?

DEATH: No.

ME: Was I a bad person?

DEATH: Not my call.

ME: Was I a good person?

DEATH: I don't know, were you?

ME: Good answer.

DEATH: I don't have a conscious nature.

ME: Want a tea?

DEATH: Goes through me quick.

ME: Shall we?

DEATH: Please I am pressed for eternity.

I know this is all freaky but in truth it's life or as some may refer to it the hamster wheel full of shit that we must all run inside of for a set period of time.

CLIFF AHEAD

So now that there are a few days left before the impending financial crisis about to hit the US there are a few interesting questions to be asked. The first question would be: Who is doing their math? I fail to see how taxing the top 2% of earners in the US will represent a blythe for future generations. I think it's laughable how John Boehner claims objectivity while a majority of core voters for the republican party are agreeing with this measure.

I understand that poles represent a sampled microscopic fraction of the population but if almost every tiny fraction you take represents the same picture you have got to start thinking that there is a pattern of sorts emerging. I have to clear up that I am not taking sides but I mean even the Republicans are splintering from within as republicans in congress seem to be down the middle in this issue.

I for one think that the financial well being of present and future generations of Americans needs to be the chief concern of the "leaders" that we elected to serve us. Get to work you ass clowns, the country is tired of waiting and even more tired of excuses.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE LAST 8?

I know the world will not end on 2012, I do feel certain anyway that it will not happen. The Mayan Calendar states that it will happen on 12/21/12. I do wonder though what would happen if there were only 8 days left. I have my list and it's kind of interesting so here goes:

DAY 1: I would wake up and drive to Vegas where I would immediately hit every single Càssino in the strip only to get the numbers of every single cocktail waitress. I would also eat at least five popsicles while skydiving with the flying Elvises.

DAY 2: I would want to go ahead and find a place full of monks where I would convince said monks to go to a whorehouse of their chosing. I would engage in deadly combat with a gator and lastly I would buy several betta fish in order to establish a betta fish MMA league, for the shorties!

DAY 3: I would take a break from my crazy days in order to prank call the Vatican and aske them if they have Roberto Calvi in a can. I would also call to commission a freemason ring just because they look cool.

DAY 4: I would travel to Graceland and steal the fabled peacock jumpsuit simply because I want to see how much tail I can get with one of the king's jumpsuit's.

DAY 5: I would go hot air ballooning in a no fly zone. This is self explanatory because it just is. If I survive this whole deal I shall blog about it the very same day in order to share it with the blog world. Oh my blog!

DAY 6: I would take an online pastor course while going on a thorough investigation covering John McAfee's life. I would go ahead and attend a Barry Manilow concert in order to show him I fear him not.

DAY 7: I will find a Proctologist and give him the beating of a lifetime because I can. I would call NBC to pitch my series about a talking tampoon with a detective agency called Tampington Steele.

DAY 8: I will rest, hey it was good enough for you know who. Life will be over and a new civilization will be started called the sexy time dancer civilization as dreamt up by L. Ron Hubbard!

None of these things will happen because on the 22nd of December I will wake up, have breakfast, and enjoy the beauty of life as we all should.

YOU BET'CHA!

Far be it for me to give a rat's ass about Sarah Palin or any portionof her life but sometimes I think the press goes too far in an attempt to get a cheap news story. Sarah Palin's son is divorcing and somehow that is a trending news story worthy of public attention. I think divorces are bad enough and as a result they should stay private.

Do I like Pailin? No I do not like Pailin but still that doesn't mean her kids need to be exposed especially when they are private figures. The only private figure related to a Politician that should always be held to the light is the one and only Billy Carter (Google Billy Beer). The fact is that private lives should be left as such. Give the guy and his ex some air in order to do things right.

BIEBER FEEVER GONE TOO FAR

Worry not Bieber fans as your idol is still the source of much conversation even amongst depraved killers. I must say Bieber Fever has really gone beyond being an STD you get by listening to this generation's version of Paul Anka (google it). I say this because Justin Bieber was the target of a murder plot by some convicts in Las Cruces New Mexico.

To make a long story short I guess one of the killers has a tattoo of the icon on his leg. To me this is an example of Bieber Fever gone too far. Part of the plot was to go ahead and castrate Bieber and his bodyguard Rufus T. Firefly. I wonder if the killers were going to auction the members on ebay. I learned of Bieber Feever while watching Key of Awesome's educational youtube spot on it.

I was not aware of the fact that Bieber Fever could go this far but thank heavens that our idol of idols is safe. Now I say let's move on to more important matters and figure out how the Gangnam Style dude is part of plot to destroy the world through incredibly lame music and horrific dancing.

I SAW TATTOO

While many people are on a senseless quest to prove Elvis is alive and others are in an even more senseless quest to prove that Bigfoot exists I am out to prove that Tattoo is in fact still amongst the living. My quest began in 1983 with Tattoo's sudden vanishment from Fantasy Island. I knew then and there that foul play and shenanigans may well be afoot but I refused to go to the press with my suspicions.

I started by piecing together what I knew about the man. Tattoo was a major whore monger and loved to establish his tripod sex appeal everywhere from the island to Amsterdam. In some circles Tattoo was know as " El Toro Cojonudo" or " Bull with the Large Sack." I began an investigation that included questioning member of Forbidden Zone where Tattoo was once a king. Not even Huckleberry P. Jones could explain Tattoo's whereabouts.

I went on this quest for the legendary Tattoo until I arrived at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada where I was told that due to my lack of sleep I had Betty Davis Eyes. I did not understand the reference and became exasperated until a hooker by the name of Placenta Sweet explained that Tattoo had cashed some magic coins in order to travel to a place that existed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Upon his return from fighting wars in the stars Tattoo cashed in his life insurance in order to start anew in a place where he could feel at home.

Tattoo went to his countrymen the smurfs and purchased several mushrooms to rent out as holiday and short stay homes but alas Gargamel fucked that up. Tattoo in an act of desperation had an orgy with Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Vanessa Williams and Grouchy. My search led me nowhere and not even multiple Sullen Twilights could change my jaded view of the world. I did however regain my optimism when one day I saw a figure enter a room in Amsterdam's Red Light District. The man exuded sexual charisma and a giant ego. I swore it was Tattoo as I saw him enter  I yelled " Boss, the plane the plane." The Tom Thumb figure told me to fuck mself in dutch and I smiled because I knew at last I saw Tattoo.

I search for this figure still today in order to thank him for showing the world that game comes from within. Thank you Tattoo your influence hit me like a cannoball!

ONE LAST TIME JR

Dallas will never be the same now that JR is gone. It's easy to speculate that the new series may not survive now that the soul of the Dallas core died. The 10 gallon hat, the neckerchief, the Rolex with the custom made strap, and the boots will stay in one corner casting an impossible shadow.

As a fan of the series I would love to see how they will kill of good ol' JR. With the incredibly powerful Cliff Barnes perhaps it would be approrpiate to give JR's biggest nemesis his first victory Maybe JR fell victim to a plane crash arranged by Cliff in his attempt to destroy the Ewings. Perhaps JR was killed by an old nemesis such as Westar Oil's disgraced former CEO Jeremy Wendell. I think it would be nice to see him go out in one last battle.

I am sure it's all going to depend on the direction the new episodes are headed and what they were doing in terms of the story focusing on the newer characters. JR Ewing is a character that will never be topped, replaced, forgotten, or ignored. JR is a part of America's fabric and as such he should leave as he came in and that is with grand style and incomparable

PARADISE

I have always loved the idea of discovering new places. I am currently in Amsterdam and to me everything from the snow to the houseboats is fascinating. As I had the pleasure of spending time in a boat tour I realized one thing, the world is an amazing place. I look to Amsterdam with the wonder of a child while my home in the US is somehting of a daily routine.

The truth is that the paradise I see now, the cold and historical paradise is a wonder to me. The places in hte US I have yet to see are no less wonderful and fascinating and I am sure as can be that anyone coming to the US for the first time would be equally fascinated. The world is a real paradise for everyone willing to have their eyes open.

It's so easy to think you are superior to others because you speak a different language or carry a different view of life.The fact is that we are all the same and the world is the same but it is seen as a kaleidoscope when seen by different eyes.

ENJOY THE WORLD PEEPS! ITS A PARADISE.

ED ANSER SHOULD PISS ON SEAN HANNITY

I hate Sean Hannity because there is nothing worst than a political extremist with a platform. This entry has nothing to do with being a Democrat or Republican and if you are reading it ready to attack please take a pill and keep walking.

Recently Asner asked a FOX reporter "Can I piss on you?" The whole incident stems from Asner's work on a propaganda cartoon on behalf of the California Federation of Teachers. I am guessing that Asner was not happy with the probing about the part of the cartoon showcasing the rich urinating on the poor. So there is a problem with the animated showcase of facts? Why is the middle class getting tax raped? Why are professionals like teachers making barely enough to survive?

This leads to ammunition for an idiot like Hannity to talk about class. Hannity only knows that class is spelled with a C. Frankly I hope Ed Asner goes Lou Grant extreme on this fucker and pisses on him while saying "Ted, Ted, Ted, you are a newsman Ted."

I AM SURE WE HAVE MORE THAN 2 WEEKS

Okay for years I have been hearing about the Mayan calendar like I heard about Y2K before that. I am fascinated by the idea of the world ending  and it being called by an ancient civilization. I do have a take on htis that may provide some sort of security for those already packing the Spam and Reses into the bomb shelter.

The Mayans were very advanced and I can admire and respect that. The calendar was very accurate in some respects but not every respect and there is something everyone is failing to really examine. The predicted thingsbut did not use their advanced nature in order to prevent certain htings from happening in their own time.

Any group of people can sit down and with logic and reasoning state what they feel may happen. Let's face it the Mayans could have seen 2012 as an impossibly far period devoid of advancement. Today we throw out numbers like 2030 and think of hovering cars coupled with boats that look like floating islands. The truth is evolution moves according to how we as individuals wish and work.

I think our current state in society as a whole can use improvement but as with everything in life it is cyclical and eventually things come around. I am sure the world won't end and about 300years from now someone will go ahead and write a similar blog which will likely be called comp entry self though.

HAPPY 2013 PEEPS!

I GUESS McAFEE'S SOFTWARE IS OUT OF DATE

So John McAfee had some sort of heart attack while in police custody in Guatemala. I am not one to laugh at other people's misfortunes but really this has a bit of comedy in it. I say it has comedy in it provided you have a somewhat dark and twisted sense of humor.

McAfee was found on the floor of the "cottage" or holding area heis in while awaiting deportation to Belize. As of the last three or four weeks the software pioneer has been on the run because he is a person of interest in the murder of Gregory Faull. I think that McAfee really violated the principles of his creation on this one.

Over a 23 day period McAfee blogged and tweeted about his days on the run. I find this kind of ironic as it was his software that taught us never to leave our PCs opened to possible malware. The man that invented a form of security exposed himself like a streaker in a Manchester United football game. The stress must have really taken a toll on him as he was found on the floor silent and motionless.

I wonder if McAfee really comitted the murder or knows about how it went down. I hate to speculate as to how it may have gone down but I will anyway. I think it was a hot nigh in Belize and McAfee and Faull were playing a game of Dominoes and drinking delicious sambucas while splitting some wonderful cantinpalo chorizo cut to perfection. The two men were having a conversation when Faull's Iphone rang. When silencing the phone McAfee said "That phone is so gay." Faull responded to McAfee by saying " At least I don't need your shitty ripoff software in my mac." Enraged and full of hot sambuca McAfee decided to go ahead and strike Faull in the eye socket with an unusually sharp domino. Finding himself invincible in a moment of true hubris McAfee yelled "McAfee can protect you but no one protects you from McAfee."

Realizing what he had done Mcafee picked up his green tea pills, bloody domino, and laptop and immeadiately called for his trusty hang glider known in Belize as The Bonzo and glided into the safety of a cave where he then took refuge for two days where he carefully thought up a plan to go to Guatemala. While on hte run he decided to light a firewall inside his house and blog like a madman. Everything was fine for McAfee until he got a "Your software is out of date message."

This is all humorous speculation but the truth of the matter is that McAfee is in the kind of situation that no one ever wants to be in. In his shoes I am sure that anyone else would want to die. Itwill be interesting to see how this whole situation pans out.

SOMETIMES IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY

I find it funny how sometimes the same message comes out as completely different when delivered by two different people. What I mean by this is that there is such a big disconnect between people and the way they talk.

I love how small situations can explode into unbelievable issues when someone screams their concern or simply breathes like they are having a baby. There are also the people that love to give you the idea that everything is cool when really they are exploding inside thinking that the world is going to end.

This is a small entry with a specific purpose. Communication in an effective manner is a key to a better life and in the end it's how you deliver your peace that determines how well you will be understood in the world.

IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY PEOPLE!

WHAT A LIFE!

There are multiple schools of thought on a lengthy life.Some people feel that a lengthy life is a curse while others cherish the possibility. To me a lengthy life is something that can only be as good as the changes you witness within the time you live. Besse Cooper the 116 year old Georgia woman that passed away recently is an example of a long life worth the time.

Besse's biggest claim to fame maybe her age and perhaps she was not a major figure in any other respect, but still, do the math. Besse was born in 1896 during a time when the US was changing into an industrial age run by steel mills, lumber barons, and oil magnates. By the time that the US stock market crashed in 1929 she was 33 and nearly twelve years later when the US was pulled back to prominence by the New Deal she was well into middle age.

Besse witnessed the birth of television as well as the birth of the computer age. The fact that this lady did not necessarily take part in any of these events as an innovator is really irrelevant. For an individual to be able to say that she was a part of a century that went from a divided and bitter n civil rights to an African American US president is something special. Ms. Cooper's eyes are a reflection of what true change is like especially when you pay close attention.

Besse Cooper, what a life!

WHEN 20 THINGS HAPPEN

Life is a lot like a set of dominoes in the sense that any way you stack them when one moves the rest will fall in perfect synchronicity. In the end the pile is either straight or all over the place but the fact is that you never really know what the significance is. I personally love stacking Dominoes becasue based on my mood the fall may reflect what the day will be like.

I know this sounds crazy but the truth is that when one thing happens it leads to another and another and finally another. The end result is twenty things have happened and you don't know where the hell to go. I think in some ways life is like a monolith for every individual. It's almost like destiny is the series of weird 2001: A Space Odyssey monkey men trying to knock us over to see what we do.

I guess count what happens to you in life in the span of a day. Once you are done counting examine everything and see what the end result is. You will realize that when 20 things happen you are a domino and your own will is what's going to determine how gracefully you stand and how badly you will fall.

NOTHING WORST THAN AN OLD HAS BEEN

This blog is aimed at one specific individual that shall for now remain nameless. For the sake of identification we shall call him DJ MB THE FUCKER. Recently I saw a couple of pictures of him and for some reason he irritated the hell out of me. I did not understand why at first but then I realized why. DJ MB THE FUCKER is an old man trying to remain young but failing miserably.

The fact is that there is something to be said for aging with grace and looking dignified. This guy reminds me of a seventy something old guy that used to wear Ed Hardy clothes to the clubs and dance all night. I can respect a youthful spirit and I encourage it I just find it hard to respect a fool that looks like an idiot, stuffed inside a moron, stuffed inside a used douchebag. Oh wow this man is like the turducken.

My advice to this old idiot is simple and comes from a good place. I suggest you allow younger people to flourish and retire. I think you should focus on eating penny candy and drinking ensure in order to regulate your bowel functions. Please get dome argile socks and read a book by the fire you old stinking fucker. The last thing I advise for you is to please learn to order from the low salts menu as I hear salt at your advanced age can be deadly.

YOU TELL THEM GARY BUSEY

Gary Busey is quite possibly the coolest crazy guy alive. Busey was recently quoted as saying " When you have too much it's a good feeling to let it go. I love the fact that a guy who could be bitching about his horrid money problems is instead taking the zen approach. Gary is in $450,00 worth of tax debt and yet he has the coolest attitude of anyone I have ever seen.

I think Busey in all his crazy Oklahoma, weed, quarter hole in the head philosophy is a great example. If you've had it all at some point or another and you either squandered it or had it squandered be greatful that you had it and learn to move on without it. I think it's also to view Gary Busey as a tale of caution not to let your hands get ahead of your common sense.

As the Zen Okie would say " Money means Most of Nights Elvis Yawns" does that make any sense? No but then again Gary Busey is about philosophy.

OH NO, KIM KARDASHIAN WILL CAUSE A WAR!

Kim Kardashian's recent visit to Bahrain caused an uproar and countless protests of all sorts. I am guessing that in Bahrain they don'tappreciate reality television. I guess I am having a hard time understanding the whole reasoning behind this. Is the protest because of her giagantic behind? I think the problem may be the store Millions of Milkshakes.

The truth is it's a ridiculous protest and while it came from hardline Islamic protesters it's still a clear waste of time. Kim Kardashian is not really a significant enough figure to merit this kind of attention. I see the scenario playing out in a manner that will affect the world landscape and it looks like this:

1. Millions of Milkshakes will likely become a strategic military stronghold.
2. Hardliners will take it over in order to express their distress.
3. Bruce Jenner will organize diplomatic talks with leaders of the opposing organization.
4. There will be a conflict needing the aid of the Seacrest/ Rob Rob alliance.
5. After 3 days there will a cease fire and finally the conflict will end.
6. * You can see all of this on the next episode of Kim International: Ass on the Hop.

The world really needs to evolve beyond a giagantic ass with little to no talent.

YOU GO HEF, FIND TRUE LOVE!

Hugh Heghfner has finally found true love at an age which is similar to that of ice and water. The Captain of Love will tie the knot with Crystal Harris who left him with his penny candy when they were engaged the first time aroud. Huch and Crystal discovered that there is love in a 60 year divide.  This is wonderful for the dirty old men in the world that are hoping for a little love.

"Thank heaven for little girs!" said Hef in a recent interview with Old Whore Mongers Daily. Okay if you don't get the tone of this entry it's simple. Hugh Hefner is not really even cool anymore. The man is more wrinkled up than a pork rind and I am pretty sure viagra combined with a sweedish pump won't help his woes.

I think it's great that Crystal Harris has decided she want's someone whose wrinkles are so deep he can create pools of old man sweat. There comes a point where you go from being a straight up cool guy to being a total idiot that looks he is desperately holding on to the 1970's. Honestly Hef you are like a fish with scales out in a chinese market, have some dignity old man.

FAIR AND KINKY HARVARD

Harvard has long stood as a the greatest pillar of higher education in the US and one of the finest in the world. I guess it's appropriate to feel flattered if you are into kinky sex since Harvard has decided to approve a club that's dedicated to kinky sex. The club is being described as a meeting place of sorts for people to discuss their interests.

It was made clear that Harvard does not necessarily support the club but it is following along with the rules and guidelines. It's kind of funny that Harvard would approve this club only because it's putting kink in the front pages of higher education. Until now kink has been associated with the lowest of the low but now even intelligent people are associated with with wips, handcuffs, chains, wax, and sex swings.

Good for you Fair Harvard teach them how the Crimson define a spanking!