ONLY IN AMSTERDAM

When I traveled to Amsterdam I was curious about the Red Light District just as any good tourist would be. I was interested because just the sight of a million red windows is absolutely fascinating. There is a bonus in the form of many beautiful girls in the windows. The women were dressed nicely , in lingerie no less. I walked and saw window after window and thought to myself " wow, these are some lovely hookers."

The backstreets were so narrow people had to walk in single file lines. The buildings looked absolutely grand at first glance. Every building looked like an architect's dream apartment building. As I walked I saw something that peaked my interest. I know you are thinking that my next statement is going to involve a lady of the night and you are right to think that. The lady was what appeared to be a 65 year old woman.

I say she appeared 65 because she really did look like she was a grandmother. I don't know if this lady just looked that way because she has been having sex as a profession for so long. The lady seemed happy, she would wave at everyone and smile. I wonder if she gave her clients ribbon candy and postcards. I mean at 65 I imagine sex can still be appealing but I just don't get that vibe. I did wave at the lady and knock on her window in order to let her know that she reminded me of someone special. The truth is she didn't but I just felt compelled to make her feel better.

Only in Amsterdam!

HOW I SAVED THE WORLD FROM THE MAYAN DOOMSDAY

There was a prediction in the Mayan Calendar that the world would end in 12/21/2013. This prediction was laughed at by many as the Mayans were unable to avoid their own demise. The Mayan Calendar did actually get some predictions about wars and what not correctly. Alas I must confess that they were right about the end of the world but they did not count on the fact that I would know how to save the world and each of the world's inhabitants.

At around midnight on 12/21 I saw something odd in the sky. Upon further investigation I noticed it was a flying saucer. I kid you not loyal readers I saw a flying saucer. I decided to follow it and I witnessed it land, out of it stepped a couple of weird little men wearing Tommy Bahama shorts and shirts. I automatically decided to follow them as they walked speaking an odd and kind of squeaky language made up of clicks and what have you.

It was a cold and festive night in the streets of Amsterdam and as I tailed them I noticed they stepped into the red light district. I realized they thought that the world was run by prostitutes. I thought that in a way they were right because all politicians are prostitutes in some respect. The weird litle men continued to knock on the doors of hookers in order to have a leadership summit.

I tailed them right into a cafe designed for those that indulge in the consumption of vast quantities of cannabis. I realized this could be either dangerous or really good. I decided to go ahead and enter the cafe and ask the attendant to provide them with several large brownies and a couple of large special cigarettes. The little men consumed said items with voracious desire and seemed to lose a great deal of orientation. The men went back to knock on the red light window and meet with the "leader." I made sure they were provided for by paying a substantial amount of money to ensure myself enough time to check their ship.

I went to the ship and noticed some missiles designed to destroy planets and horrified tried to disarm them. I knew that I could make this happen since the instruction manual was in English, Dutch, French, Japanese, and some backwoods Patua so I was lucky. I disarmed the missiles which looked an awful lot like nerf missiles. I went back to the red light district to check on the little men.

In fron of the door I saw a puddle of alien remains and realized that the little men were deathly allergic to hooker juice and weed. I know that there is a distinct possibility that at least 40% of this story may well be a mental fabrication while 30% maybe conjecture and another 30% maybe a total lie. The point is I saved the world in some way my friends.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

THE PROFESSIONAL AND THE TOURIST

Upon his trip to Amsterdam a young tourist decided he would walk through the cobblestone streets of the historic city. The young man marveled at the canals, passing ships and historical feel of Amsterdam. There was somehting simply amazing about the city that could not be explained .The young man found himself a tad disoriented as night fell fast.

As this young man had never before gone to Amsterdam he found himslef in the historic red light district. The youngster was innocent and naive and was not aware of the fact that you could smoke great mind enhancers legally as well as meet ladies of professional extent in this place. Granted in the whole of Amsterdam it is legal to smoke happy cigarettes.

The young man entered a "pool hall" and requested a brownie, a cigarette, and a glass of 2% milk. After a good thirty minutes the young man was high and so very happy. Walking through the narrow streets of the red light district the young man caught the eye of a hooker with a heart of gold. The name of this gorgeous hooker was Barbie G, yes it was Barbie G. The young man knocked on her glass door and said " Hello, I am lost, cold and confused." The gorgeous hooker said " For sure you are a tourist."

The young man requested milk and some chips. Barbie did not know this was an actual request for milk and chips so she attempted to position herself for a Sanchez type maneuver. The shocked youngster said "Please I am hungry and thirsty." The young hooker served him a glass of milk and spread Nutela on some bread. The two seemed to start a great friendship that eventually turned into a great hooker Cindirella and Prince Naive story.

The young hooker and tourist would marry and have well over 12 children with lovely Nordic names. The tourist would become a lauded politician and professor while his wife would become a fierce women's rights advocate.

The moral of the story is simple: We can all be pimps and hookers but we're not all honest about it though.

TOODALOO BABIES!!!!