BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

MARRIAGE IS GREAT, WHEN TAKEN IN MODERATION

I think marriage is a wonderful institution, kind of like Disney World. When you enter marriage it's a lot like going to Magic Kingdom in the sense that there's wonder, joy, a little apprehension, some spending, and in the end you leave asking yourself why. Marriage quantity is also like Magic Kingdom in the sense that the more you go the more you spend and the less satisfied you are.

We jump into marriage sometimes too soon and sometimes not soon enough. Often times we go in because we fear living alone for a period of time or for the rest of our lives. Marriage can be the solution to a problem and a problem that never really needed solution to begin with. Sometimes we treat marriage like a ferris wheel with different colored pods.

I think it's vital we understand that those pods each have a different personality and they are likely to swing in ways we may not understand or appreciate. Marriage is wonderful in the same way that scolding hot coffee is wonderful, it keeps you up, worries you, and gives you a feeling of invincibility coupled with massive headaches.

I say marry with good intentions, live with better intentions and worry without consideration. If your marriage dissolves remember always that life is one and you must live on to fight another day.

A LOT OF DRAMA LEADS TO LITTLE RESULTS

I'm not a big fan of drama, it seems like whenever the art of drama is involved in real life there is no way to make things move forward. I think we all engage in drama some way or another but when we do say in a manner that defines us, we really end up screwing ourselves, sometimes beyond repair. There are no winners when drama is at the epicenter of any situation. If you take anything from this blog, take the understanding that drama under any other context is simply bullshit in disguise.

WHEN IT'S OVER

Marriage is one of those lifetime propositions that seems to work less and less now a days. I think that part of the reason why marriages fail is because people would rather move on than stick around and grow apart. I think part of this is due t to the fact that a lot of 50 year marriages are made up of people who were enemies and didn't really know it. You can tell by just looking that a couple is comprised of two negative halves, especially when the husband looks like he wants to fade away.

I think that when marriages are over, people don't have to hate one another. Life is too short for hatred and pettiness. I think if the wife gets it al she should be happy, the friends should shut the fuck up, and the kiddies should consider themselves lucky. If the parents, assuming there are kids, love the kids and are on the same page then let's all have a dinner.

I think that when it's over, if it's over, it should be in a civilized manner. I pride myself in the fact that my current state is one of tremendous civility. I think the whole when it's over thing should be done with civility. I do have to say that if there are extenuating circumstances there is a good chance that there will be some sort of bloodshed.

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

Did you ever have one of those days? It seems like everything starts out right and then suddenly it goes so wrong you are left wondering who you pissed off? Life is incredible that way and sometimes it takes a while before you can assimilate things. I've had days like that but rather than focus on how much they take out of me, I'd rather focus on what they give to me.

I'm healthy, intelligent and confident so a day that make may feel like I should be thankful. I have more going for me than what I realize and that's the case for most of us. So what do you do during a bad day? I compiled a little to do list:

• Breathe
• Relax
• Take a walk
• Look Around
• Let out a big FUCK IT

The fact is that life is short and when you waste one day you waste 1,000. When those days happen just relax and let your mind work its magic.

A DAY FOR REFLECTION

I often hear people refer to certain days as days for reflection. I think that the human condition merits reflection every single day should carry a period of reflection. Each day carries 24 hours and only 8 are spent sleeping, not in all cases. At the end of the week we have at least 90 hours we can reflect upon. I'm not suggesting that you grab a notebook and make notes on everything you've done, but using the mind to process a moment in time is a good way to spend idle time. I see Sundays as a good time to do some reflection.

I don't stop to reflect over a 112 hour period, but rather about times that have meant something. I sometimes think of days that shaped me, like my days as a youngster in elementary school. I remember the first time I asked a girl out, what a day. I asked this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said maybe an never anything again. I know that this girl liked me, if she didn't she wouldn't have been such a bitch.

Today is the Sunday I shall take to reflect on why some women are so fucking difficult. The way a woman reacts to you at an early age is a great indicator of how she will react in the future. If a girl says something and acts all weird later, she will play with you. If a girl says something and kicks your testicles, that girl will be the devil without the Prada.


Women are fascinating creations that make this world a better and more interesting place, that's why I love and respect all of them, except for Nancy Grace because I'm sure she hides a penis and testicles. Okay, I have reflected today and I hope I shall be a cleaner and better spirit for it. The chances are likely I'll still be tomorrow, comforting thought, for me at least.

WHEN I DON'T ASK PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP

Have you ever dealt with a nosy person? Have you ever heard of someone you don't know giving opinions on your life? I have been a recipient of that a few times. I feel like bursting every time it happens, at least I did in the past. Today, whenever I hear unrequested opinions, I laugh simply because said opinions are an example of people's desires to live vicariously through others. Opinionated people are a lot like football dads, in that they all want to get their kids to do what they could not.

I have heard a million people say a million things and, as time passes, I find myself less annoyed by this occurrence. I do understand that it's human to have an opinion, I do think it's annoying to have more than one opinion on the same matter though. My reaction to this particular situation is simply to smile, nod, and think " I can't wait until a horny hippopotamus fucks you right up the ass." I know this is a little bit of a jerk attitude on my part but fuck it, life is short.

WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE PATIENT IN LIFE

I am a writer and that means I'm, by nature, awkward, moody, prone to anger, and sometimes arrogant  given my own feelings on life. My experience, my background, and my nature often times put me in a spot where it's difficult to see certain things. I may write a political entry, an entertainment entry, or an entry about life itself. What I write often depends on my mood, but chances are that as I go I will miss a thing or two. One thing that I learned while working on my MFA was to be patient.

As a writer I wanted perfection, the white elephant that does not exist, except for in fairy tales. I wanted so bad to write a perfect screenplay that some times I would drink myself blind with frustration. During a drunken attempt at perfection I decided to take a nap. When I woke up some twelve hours later I looked at my computer screen and I had one word on my screen, patience.

I realized that I was not happy because I was so impatient. I was reminded of all the conversations that I had with people not only in school but throughout my life. Everyone from my father, to my brothers, to everyone I ever met that succeeded, had real patience. Patience is that one virtue that you can always gain if you are willing to open your eyes for a quick second. There is something about patience that just  makes success and life in general, that much better.

Patience is not easy to come by and sometimes it's nearly impossible to get. I don't consider myself a fully patient individual yet but I am getting there. I am surrounded by people I don't always agree with, techniques I don't like, and views I want to wipe my ass with, but I am somehow able to bypass that and look at the long term. The word long frustrates everyone because it implies wait, suffering, and a lot of headaches that are impossible to handle.

In life nothing you do will ever be perfect, but learn to wait, learn to be patient and ultimately the payoff will come around.

THE UNCANNY POWERS OF A SIMPLE MIND

I am sure you're wondering how the picture above relates to the title of this entry and the answer to that is that it doesn't. The picture made me smile which is why I chose it and I am sure it does the same for you. This is an entry about the simple minded, or as they are known in some circles, the very stupid. How do you define stupidity? One definition for stupidity is " A poor ability to learn or profit from experience." I don't like the word stupidity because it's kind of mean, I prefer simple minded.

The thing is that I admire simple minded people because in some ways they have an easier path to inner peace than people with greater cognitive abilities. The very simple minded do not see every possible complication with daily life. A simple minded person often sticks to one particular source of strength to solve their problems. The simple minded individual believes in miracles and often has a misguided and somewhat annoying view of spirituality.

Spirituality has a million definitions for a million people but for the simple minded it usually means " God will solve my problems because the bible said so." I respect other's right to believe but with the simple minded it's almost innocent and childlike. A simple minded person often sticks to one goal and pursues it blindly without any shame whatsoever, to a stoner a simple minded individual is likely to be the equivalent of a chasm.

The very simple minded can almost seem wise in their very simple approach to life. We are all so complicated by nature that making a situation simple almost seems like the act of a wise man or woman.  If you look at a chimpanzee the first thing you think is " this is a monkey" and a monkey is a simple, strong, agile creature. When the monkey does something like identify a circle we all clap without realizing it was a simple act. The human race is full of chimpanzee like creatures that can identify a circle without necessarily having to talk circumference, radius and all that jazz. We chastise the simple for being below par but we really envy them.

It's fair to assume that even the minimalist philosopher is searching for the peace that comes with a perennially blank slate. The simple mind seems to almost extend life, and no, I'm not saying that old people are stupid. Next time you want to criticize the simple remember that you are criticizing the beauty of a calm spirit and yearning for that very sensation.

SLEEP, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?

Lately I find myself up at some ungodly hours wondering why my eyes won't close. I thought I had an issue given my addiction to caffeine but that could not be it at all. I stopped drinking soda and anything containing caffeine in an effort to improve my sleep issues but I still fail to close my eyes successfully.
I tried counting sheep but nothing seems to help me at all.

I think sleep must hate my guts or it must love me so much it choses to stay away. I think my relationship with sleep is like an unhealthy coupling of sorts. Sleep is like that girlfriend that is great in bed but frigid most of the time. I call sleep and it's like calling someone that just doesn't like me. When things are okay sleep and I get along well and I have two or three good days but then suddenly I am eating shit again.

I think sleep is a fickle and angry lady that just isn't satisfied with a lobster dinner and some wine. I think sleep wants to take my essence in what I consider to be a ridiculously unhealthy relationship. I can't break up with sleep because I need it and it won't break up with me because it's such a spiteful bitch.

WHEN YOU TRY TO PRY

Have you ever been in that position where you are trying to get something from someone and it's impossible to do so? What I mean is making that attempt to have a conversation and while you set the base for what could be something wonderful you are handed shit in the vein of a monosyllabic response. Sometimes it's understandable because there are conversations that you don't want to have but what about the important ones?

What I mean by important conversation is let's assume you are a father having the talk with your daughter's future better half. Imagine if instead of a good strong talk you have something like:

DAD: Hey John

GROOM: Sup

DAD: How are you?

GROOM: I'm k

DAD: Pardon me

GROOM: I'm good.

DAD: So what are your plans once you are married?

GROOM: Dunno

DAD: You what?

GROM: Dunno

DAD: You don't know?

GROOM: Yup.

This could go on forever with the end result being some sort of near tragedy involving a dog, a dove, and a Ford Pinto. Do I have a point with this? Yes I do as a matter of fact. There are times when you need to be guarded and there are times when you need to be open. There is nothing wrong with starting a conversation that has some sort importance and there is even less wrong with helping that conversation expand into something of meaning. Next time you want to be a jackass remember that he who does not try usually eats shit.

THE WAY TO HANDLE A JACKASS

Have you ever noticed the pseudo intellectual air of people that lob thinly veiled criticism? To me it's a thing of beauty witnessing people attempt to flex the thought muscle. I have been through that so many times, getting that unrequested and unwanted piece of shit advice. I love to just sit back and listen just so that I can pick out the twenty little mistakes in the advice itself. I have lived that and dealt with it since the day I realized I wanted to become a writer. I will never cease to be amazed by people giving their opinions with regards to everything that they know nothing about.

When it comes to people giving unwanted and unrequested advice and criticism I have come up with a ten step plan and the plan goes as follows:

1. Sit
2. Listen
3. Pay close attention
4. Allow yourself to go to a place other than the one you are in mentally
5. Count 25 sheep 
6. Think about your favorite food
7. Think about your favorite show
8. Think about your favorite movie
9. Think about your favorite muppets character 
10. FART!

Nothing clears a room and ends a conversation you don't want to have more effectively than a lethal fart. It doesn't matter the distance because farting is the universal language of discomfort. Yes, thats the way to handle it just fart until you feel a weight has left your body. Maybe this doesn't work for you in principle and perhaps it won't work in practice but it's still worth a shot. 

DEATH, A POEM

I had this dream, I don't know if it was real but so real it seemed
Death came for me
Not a word
It wasn't a skeleton
It did not wield a scythe
I did not want to go
I did not know what it was
There was no cloak in this spirit
There was no form at all
Death was a mere cloud
It took me through a hall

I walked many steps
At one point I stopped
Death was now in front
When suddenly the cloud dropped
It formed a stream on the floor
Rivers of reflection
I guess death was giving me time for retrospection
I was so young upon first glance
Here I was looking at my life
Stripped down for an eventual rise

Death my friend what it this?
I see ships with hulls all of them rotting
The ships sink to the water as they make a big mess
Things keep happening
I can't well see the rest
Death my dear friend it's been like a ride
I look upon my life with a great deal of pride

I ask death one more time what's going on
It doesn't respond and something is wrong
What will I do?
What did I do?
Everything is odd
I am dead
I have not bled
My clothes are not red
Why death?
What has my attitude bred?

Death told me
I was good
I was decent
My parting was not recent
It takes time to see my life
Even if I was good and polite
Thank you death I know I did right

THE TROUBLE WITH NARROW VISION

I have to say that  my unconventional way of looking at life makes me a tad bit impractical. I am the kind of person that believes that nothing in life is absolutely impossible and in some ways that makes me sort of an outsider in circles of normalcy. I don't know if anyone has ever stopped to really try and count the number of times they have been told they can't do something.

I won't say that I would have a million dollars if I had a dollar for every time I heard that. I will say that I would have enough to make it rain in the club, if you catch my meaning and if not please stop reading. Hearing that you can't accomplish something is hurtful and disheartening but more often than not it comes from people that are narrow minded and easily contented.

I think that narrow vision is a clear example of that theory that we only use about five percent of our brain. The human mind is a powerful tool but without vision, ambition, it's really rather irrelevant. Narrow vision makes people pessimistic, negative, and ultimately impossible to be around.

I know that this particular entry focuses on things that can't really be quantified nor examined in any way other than through studies that focus on human nature and habit. I don't really study the human mind or human behavior but I do focus on my hatred for negativity and its providers.

The trouble with a narrow mind and vision is negativity and the best response is HELLO FUCK FACE! EAT SHIT.

MY HATRED FOR THE NOSY

I once had a friend who told me that he had a right to ask me a question. I remember feeling like my privacy had been invaded in the worst way. The fact is that that no matter how long you know a person  that person doesn't ever have the right to ask overly personal questions. I think people love to go past their boundaries and the fact is that they should never be allowed to do so. Unrequested advice falls into that category.

Have you ever stopped in a place and gotten the bit of unrequested advice from someone you don't know or care about? I love those moments because they give me the opportunity to say what I feel. I love to express myself differently with people that ask unrequested questions. I remember being in an elevator with about three cases of water. Some idiot asked me " What are you going to do with all that water?" my response was " I plan on taking the bottles and shoving them up my ass." The man's face lost all color and at that point I felt like a million dollars. I will never truly be able to embrace the nosy especially if they are old in age.

Old people seem to be the worst when it comes to the disease of nosy. I think that the older people get more they want to either provide pearls of wisdom or rain shit all over your parade. I love it when some elderly person breaks out into the " Back in my Day" speech. I respect the elderly and I respect advice but more so when I ask for it. The point of this entry is simple, I hate the following things:

1. Nosy People
2. Unrequested Advice
3. Answering Unwanted Questions
4. Back in my Day speeches

I advice that you use your creativity when dealing with the nosy because at the end of the day it's the most fun you will have in a brief period.

IF YOU CAN SELF PROMOTE YOU ARE OKAY

I love the term shameless self promoter because it's kind of a contradiction. When a person says you are shameless they almost mean it in a derogatory manner. I am shameless but it's because I have nothing to be ashamed of. The fact is that when you are starting out no one will promote you so you have to do it yourself. If you are a writer this means multiple things outside of putting pen to paper on a daily basis.

Oh my blog! let's all get on the blog train to blog city. When you are a writer looking to get attention it's a great idea to go ahead and start a blog with opinions on relevant topics. The more outrageous your view the more attention you can draw to yourself. It's not about shocking people so much as it is about getting a little attention from different places. Of course there is a secondary option outside of blog city and that is self publishing.

The chances of you writing a best seller without any proper backing are very rare but if you have that little book to demonstrate what you can do as well as that sense of esthetics that's ever so important you definitely have an opportunity to draw some much needed attention to yourself. The point is to make yourself as visible as possible in order to show potential backers who you are and what you can do.

Always remember that no one ever paid attention to a person with little to say.

DOWN SYNDROME IS ALSO REAL HONESTY

Down syndrome is often looked at by the massively ignorant as a handicap. I understand that there are serious limitations that hamper the possibility of a thoroughly independent life for those with down syndrome. I do have to say that people show a thorough lack of understanding in terms of the full scope of down syndrome when they talk about all the so called negative aspects of it.

I recently had a chance to interact with a boy that has down syndrome. The boy was an inspiration to me. Due to health issues as a child he did not have fully developed speech but he did look like he could play any sport with the greatest of ease and skill. The boy was loving, respectful, honest, and extremely well behaved. There was something more about this boy that really stuck out to me and that was the purity of his spirit.

Whenever I interacted with this boy he would ask me to see what he was doing as a way to share with me. I remember him illustrating what he was doing and how he was doing it. To this boy there was a beauty in even the simplest things. We can learn from people with down syndrome about so many things. A kid with down syndrome does not have an affliction but a way to appreciate the beauty of simplicity, love without lies and hypocrisy. I respect and revere people with down syndrome not because of what they deal with but because of the grace they overcome it with.

WHY I ALWAYS HATED KINDERGARTEN

Life has a way of indicating how it's going to unfold from the very beginning. Right after you come out of the womb you are spanked by some strange man for the sake of opening up the bronchial tubes. The truth is that I have always wondered how that works when the ass serves a purpose not directly related to breathing. Right after you say your first word projectile urinating and pooping while in a public place thus creating the saggy diaper look are no longer looked upon fondly. A few years go by and the comfort zone of the home is shot to hell when mommy decides she wants to re new her career as a circus stylist and you are shipped to a camp with a bunch of snot nose peers whose biggest accomplishment is counting to four and yet they are considered gifted by their parents. Finally you get used to this den of shit known as daycare and you feel good until you become a ward of the state, that's right, kindergarten.

Kindergarten is the biggest indicator of what life will be like. I know that if you have made it this far you are wondering what exactly I mean when I say this. Let's break down the kindergarten science of life. The day you arrived you express some serious hesitation because you are once more out of your comfort zone. The other kids have a specific role that they play because it falls within their nature. One kid is a brat and by process of growth he is also a bully. There is a pretty girl that you are silently interested in but whom you will not acknowledge because you do not want to be a sissy. There is the hot teacher that makes you want to explore your masculinity in the future and there is always the group of three little bastards with a toad like follower whose ass you want to kick. Kindergarten isn't different than life.

In life you have the asshole boss and the lovely girl a step above you. There is that feeling of apprehension the minute something new comes along and oh yes nap time. You usually meet death at some point during Kindergarten and it doesn't matter if it's the goldfish, the snails, or the beloved hamster known as Mr. Nibbles Hamsterington III. The months pass and much as in life you learn about patterns, colors, attitudes, and ultimately you learn about disappointment when you find out you are the tree and not the prince in the play. That's right everyone Kindergarten is a fabrication of our own self delusion. The truth is that as we learn about hand turkeys and Miles Standish we are being prepped for promotions, demotions, and heartbreak.

Would I ever turn back time? FUCK NO!

BITCH IS CRAZY!

Stalking during the social media age has become something of a victimless crime because stalkers are usually thousands of miles away from their victims and they can't go beyond obsessing with pictures. Once in a while there is that one crazy person that goes way beyond the obsessing over pictures. Let's not mention the rapes, murders, and other such tragic events and stick to the online stalking.

Say you hear that little ring and some girl says "hi." You feel lonely so you decide to answer and let's face it it is flattering to have some girl say hello. This is the first chat:

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hello
Girl: How are you?
Guy: Good
Girl: Where do we know each other from?
Guy: Our shared social media network.
Girl: You are very handsome ;)
Guy: Thank you ;)
Girl: LOL
Guy: LOL, jajajaja you are really sexy
Girl: Likewise
Guy: What are you up to?
Girl: Not much, just finished taking a bath
Guy: Hmmm
Girl: What's that for? LOL ;)
Guy: Sounds relaxing
Girl: TTYL
Guy: Alright sexy!

So the conversations go on and an initially innocent flirtation goes on until someone says something like marriage, love, or something that implies some serious long term commitment. Suddenly the girl is picking out a china pattern and you are trying to get away so you block her. There is a period of peace and ultimately she creates a new profile and several fake profiles to make your life a living hell. The bottom line is that the bitch is crazy. I have to make it clear that in most cases it's men that stalk women but when the occasional woman does it it will be a twice as nice nightmare.

The fact is that nothing will ever replace getting to know a person. It doesn't matter if a woman stalks a woman, man stalks a woman, woman stalks a man, it's all insane. Social media stalking is the sport of the socially underdeveloped person whose obsession with attention due to a bad childhood finally has some sort playground. Social Media is a great way to make the world smaller but at the same time it's also a fantasyland for people with a fragile grip on reality.

I am a firm believer in being open to the whole idea of using social media for gains in terms of friendships, contacts and so forth but I advise everyone be cautious. I am not going to sit and write about big brother conspiracies or tell everyone that social media is the devil but I will categorically state that you need to be careful because BITCH IS CRAZY!

LONELINESS OF BEING

I have always wondered if even people that claim to love being surrounded by others are really just trying to mask a feeling of intense loneliness. Each and every single one of us is an individual so it's fair to ask if deep down because of our individual natures we are all lonely to some extent. In my case it's easy to answer that because I have always felt alone and somewhat outside the sphere.

We are born alone and we die alone so it is fair to wonder if some of us are more affected by that moment of loneliness that brings us in or even the one that takes us out. Life can be so damn complicated and it seems like loneliness is one of those very unpleasant complications. We all face that moment in the mirror where we ask questions only we can answer. At the end of the day we are put in a position where we must learn to be by ourselves and for ourselves.

I guess we are all lonely and the difference between one lonely person and another is one may be able to use it as a source of strength as opposed to the greatest fountain of weakness. Loneliness is a fundamental part of the human condition and like everything else in life it's how we use that loneliness that makes a difference.