WORDS ABOUT LOVE

1) Sucks

2) FUCK!!!!!

3) Complication

4) Headache

5) WHAT?

6) Que?

7) Fucker

8) Coño

9) Ay

10) Dale

You welcome for making it totally uncomplicated and easy to get ;)

WHEN DID WE LOSE TRACK?

In this age of social media and veiled ignorance we seem to have lost track of what's important in society. The population knows more about worthless figures like Justin Bieber and Rihanna than they do about their forefathers. I know that there is such a thing as evolution but I'm fairly certain that evolution implies progress and not regression. You ask anyone a question about the current state of the economy and you'll get some stupid and unrelated answer.

The specter of pseudo intellect and feigned indifference has become a ruling force of sorts. I understand that politics much like religion are private matters but I'd say that matters that affect society are far more important than matters of celebrity. I really could care less if Rihanna wants to show her goods or if Justin Bieber is a racist punk. I guess my question is, how does any of that make us better?

5 THINGS I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT

You ever feel like you just don't give a shit anymore? I personally get that feeling quite often. I have decided to list the top five things I could care less or give a shit about in order to vent. In no particular order here they are:

1. V. Stiviano = Cheaters never win and cheap whores never prosper
2. Donald Sterling = Shut the fuck up dirty old man
3. David Letterman's Retirement = You will never be Carson so no one really cares
4. The LA Clippers = They are not the HEAT 
5. Kim K's Wedding = Wasn't invited so I could care less 

Those are five things or, rather, news creating individuals that I don't care for. Let's move on to something interesting please.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

TIME FOR A CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP

I know this sounds like one of those self help entries but it's more of a common sense thing. I sometimes look down and think that this is it. I get that feeling that I've done something wrong and then I realize life's just begun. All I have to do is watch The Eric Andre Show and realize that if a freaking idiot like that made it, so can I. See, I told you this was a little more than self help and more like self serve.

I don't have much more to say because I am seriously tired and I have something interesting to do.

HAVING AN OPINION

I have wondered often if having an opinion is a bad thing. I don't offer it unrequested and I try to listen to others offer their point of view. I don't particularly care to impress people and shut their mouths, that's a stupid attitude. I do think having an opinion is not a bad thing but being an asshole about it really is. Often times people's opinions are a reflection of their own, miserable, nature.

I love people that say their nature is to give opinions, it usually means they want to have some attention. There is a difference between having an opinion and being an opinionated asshole. The opinionated asshole is the kind of person that no one likes or wants to sit near. I hate people that are opinionated because they are never wrong, according to themselves.

Either way, right or wrong, an opinion is like an asshole in the sense that everyone has one. Those people that have a loud and large asshole are the ones we just hate to love. This is the point where I say goodbye because honestly I grow bored with the topic of human nature.

MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

TWO INSIPID SHITS COLLIDE

So the big chubby lady from the shittiest show ever got married. I am talking about Honey Boo Boo's mom who married her better or less annoying half know as Sugar Bear. The two married in a typical redneck wedding with camouflage colors, barbecue, and I am sure some cousin fucking somewhere in there. I am writing this because the wedding should have been shown in a cross brand episode.

You are likely asking what I mean by that so I will tell you. I think they should have featured it in an episode of My Big Redneck Wedding. Way for the jackass crews over at Pink Sneaker Productions to really drop the ball on their societally irrelevant programming. I can think of how great it would have been to see a cross of two mind numbingly stupid shows. If anything this event would have likely been something close to the wedding of Tiny Tim in a 1969 broadcast of The Tonight Show.

Yes I am being sarcastic because I hate that little annoying shit, Pink Sneakers Productions as a whole, anything having to do with redneck weddings and stupid television that seems to only please the ignorant . If at this point you are waiting for some sort of clarification then by all means keep waiting because I am not going to even attempt to clarify or improve my statement for the sake of political correctness.

My tirade is complete so I want to wish that ugly mound of sex grease and her moron, inbred hick, shit kicking spawn of pig slop the greatest happiness. I would like to also state in categorical fashion that Honey Boo Boo is a little piece of annoying cow feces.

BABY WITH A MESSAGE

I have just come up with a great business plan for free childcare. I got the idea from a lady that left her baby in a car with a note at a New Zealand Pack n' Save store. The note was written in first person as if by the baby himself. So here is the business: SHIT MOMMY NOTES! The way the business works is simple, we create notes for all occasions so that when a crack whore mommy, neglectful mommy, unprepared mommy, or bitch mommy puts a kid in a car they can pull the correct note for the correct place and time.

I will now provide our mission statement and that is the following:

The mission of SHIT MOMMY NOTES! is to provide shit mothers the ability to be worst than they actually are.

We have a vison:

Our vision is to give hope to the shit mommies to be, the hope to bring babies to a grim world where there is little to no opportunity for survival.

Yes, we at SHIT MOMMY NOTES! feel that there is a chance for women to neglect the existence of their children and still feel productive and useful. We want to give mommies that opportunity to be absolute crap and feel like they aren't. If you can't tell I'm being completely sarcastic then you really have no business in the human race.

The whole New Zealand thing makes me wonder if we have become so indifferent that a potentially dangerous situation like that has no effect on anyone. The woman that left her baby in a car with a note was not charged because not one person stepped forward to press charges. I will agree that this was not anyone's business but when it comes to a child it should become someone's business. This was a kid being treated like an inanimate object.

This baby had a message all right and that message was that motherhood and parenthood in general is not for everyone. I would say that it's not for the majority of people. Everyone has a great time fucking around but a hard time that comes with the "fallout." This is why the world feels like it's on the brink, because people like that exist. Frankly it's bullshit that this woman did no time and bigger bullshit that she considers herself a mother.

When the Shit Hits the Fan (DUCK)

   I have always loved the expression "when the shit hits the fan" but the only mystery behind it is what do you do when said fecal matter hits aforementioned cooling device? I have thought about this not long or hard but thought of it nonetheless. Let us think of this in a different scenario so we may understand how it works. We will begin by assuming that a monkey has become angered and decided to prove a point. The monkey with all his intelligence and power proceeds to start flinging feces at an industrial fan. Given the strength and potency of said fan, the feces of certain powerful consistency manage to lodge themselves in the blade.
  It's obvious that you leave the room because the feces have simply caused a commotion by virtue of ill smell. I also believe that a lose crap flinging monkey is far more interesting anyway. So when the shit hits the fan you duck as a universal response to said issue. You duck simply because you don't know the fecal consistency or the fan strength so better safe than crapped on. Remember that when poop and fans are concerned you duck, no matter the situation. If the issue is a matter of everyday where the poop is a metaphor for a difficult situation you may face you should remember not to act like a jackass.