BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

SO TODAY I GOT OLD, BUT HELL WITH THAT

I woke up today and told my son " Don't forget to shave" and in that split second I came to the realization that my son was almost a fully grown man. The whole thing was a major shock to me. I use to take this kid to Universal Studios, rowing, I used to do things where I was the one teaching him lessons. As he woke me up so we could go to the admissions office at Full Sail University, I looked and saw a grown man.

I grew old, or grew up, today and so had my son. I witnessed as he spoke to the admissions rep and handled his own business. I saw my son go after his dream just like I taught him to. I was almost on the verge of tears as I remembered those days when he'd get on my shoulders and say " let's go daddy." Yes, I miss those days but damn it I cherish days like today, because I was there. I cherish today even if I got old.

THE BART TRAGEDY

Sometimes things happen that we don't quite expect, at least not this day and age. A 16 year old was killed in a BART train related fatality. There's not much to say other than this is one of those sad situations that's impossible to understand. It was stated that there was some sort of investigation into the kid's psychological state but that won't change the fact that this is an irreversible tragedy.

If there was something wrong with the kid's psychological state this is the kind of thing that tells parents  to always keep an open line of communication with their children.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CANDY?

I wonder what happened to halloween, I was talking to a colleague about how not so long ago I was a at a party and these kids showed up without costumes, just backpacks for the purpose of collecting candy. The kids just showed up and had this attitude of entitlement, which made me angry and it made the alcohol I consumed almost boil over. Still I wonder what happened to our traditions.

Halloween is the slutty costume stop, where fantasies leave the bedroom and creativity hits the graveyard. I don't mind the slutty costumes because they are a form of eye candy, and halloween is about getting candy. I do still feel like we lost something, halloween is not so much about the tradition of dressing up and knocking on doors anymore. I guess I may just be going through a " Those were the days" phase.

Oh well, happy slutty halloween to everyone, may the alcohol, weed, and candy be plentiful to all.

THE FASCINATING NATURE OF THE STRING

You ever have one of those innocent memories from childhood just come at you? I have those from time to time and I guess it's okay because it makes me think back to a simpler time in my life. I used to watch quite a bit of PBS which is a good explanation for my education. My favorite show was the classic Sesame Street. Watching sesame street was like watching my imaginary friends come to life to teach me lessons. I loved Big Bird because he was like that sensitive friend that is always there to listen and give a word of encouragement. I remember I would also watch spanish Sesame Street and I loved that feeling of being able to have fun by myself. I grew up a fairly lonely kid since my siblings were older and I did not really have a ton of friends. I was a bit of a gregarious little oddball of a person.

One thing that I used to do for therapeutic purposes was play with string. I loved string because I learned I could shape it into anything I wanted. I learned in Sesame Street that, while string was normally a straight line, my imagination could shape into anything. I was fascinated with the idea of a puppet shaping string and making it into something cool. Every day after I got home from school I would find string and turn it into an abject.

I recall I had planes, cars, hand turkeys, and even dogs made from string. All of these creations were silhouettes on a table but to a lonely boy like me they were something else. To me string was a silent companion that amused me with its bendable nature. Anytime I see string I smile because it takes me to a time when being lonely did not feel like falling through an endless opening at the bottom of the deepest ocean. Sometimes the greatest comfort lies in the most unexpected objects.

WHY I ALWAYS HATED KINDERGARTEN

Life has a way of indicating how it's going to unfold from the very beginning. Right after you come out of the womb you are spanked by some strange man for the sake of opening up the bronchial tubes. The truth is that I have always wondered how that works when the ass serves a purpose not directly related to breathing. Right after you say your first word projectile urinating and pooping while in a public place thus creating the saggy diaper look are no longer looked upon fondly. A few years go by and the comfort zone of the home is shot to hell when mommy decides she wants to re new her career as a circus stylist and you are shipped to a camp with a bunch of snot nose peers whose biggest accomplishment is counting to four and yet they are considered gifted by their parents. Finally you get used to this den of shit known as daycare and you feel good until you become a ward of the state, that's right, kindergarten.

Kindergarten is the biggest indicator of what life will be like. I know that if you have made it this far you are wondering what exactly I mean when I say this. Let's break down the kindergarten science of life. The day you arrived you express some serious hesitation because you are once more out of your comfort zone. The other kids have a specific role that they play because it falls within their nature. One kid is a brat and by process of growth he is also a bully. There is a pretty girl that you are silently interested in but whom you will not acknowledge because you do not want to be a sissy. There is the hot teacher that makes you want to explore your masculinity in the future and there is always the group of three little bastards with a toad like follower whose ass you want to kick. Kindergarten isn't different than life.

In life you have the asshole boss and the lovely girl a step above you. There is that feeling of apprehension the minute something new comes along and oh yes nap time. You usually meet death at some point during Kindergarten and it doesn't matter if it's the goldfish, the snails, or the beloved hamster known as Mr. Nibbles Hamsterington III. The months pass and much as in life you learn about patterns, colors, attitudes, and ultimately you learn about disappointment when you find out you are the tree and not the prince in the play. That's right everyone Kindergarten is a fabrication of our own self delusion. The truth is that as we learn about hand turkeys and Miles Standish we are being prepped for promotions, demotions, and heartbreak.

Would I ever turn back time? FUCK NO!

TRAVEL STORY FROM A LONG LONG FLIGHT

I love airplanes because they are like cans of sardines full of crazy goodness. To me a flight no matter how long or short is something of an experience. I love to just sit and watch people because I understand that in every individual lies a story waiting to be told. Sometimes that story is really the jerk you are seated next to or behind.

I guess you know where I am headed with this so here it goes. In the plane on the way back to the US I had the misfortune of being seated behind this idiot. The guy reclined his seat so far back that I could barely move. The guy was not only inconsiderate but a total ass as well. This is the type of person that brings his own Coca Cola and leaves the fucking cans under the seat. I was angry but this day and age kicking ass on a plane is not a good idea.

I decided to take the best approach to solving my problem. I saw a kid nearby and realized he was part of a tourist family headed to Disney. I offered the kid twenty bucks to scream "That man scares me" as the asshole slept. I worked out a signal with the kid and was shocked that his parents did not realize the transaction. I waited and waited to make my move. I noticed the asshole was in a deep sleep so I decided to strike with cobra like precision.

I gave the kid my signal and he screamed and started to fake cry and screamed the agreed upon phrase. The asshole was jolted because the kid screamed so loud and then the Flight Attendant requested he put his seat up a little bit. I laughed inside with great joy and jubilation. Ultimately the guy asked me if I was okay with the position of his seat to which I responded " Sure, no problems here." The look of discomfort and embarrassment in his face were well worth the twenty dollars I spent.

VIOLENCE BORES ME

You know something? I am so sick of violence in general. I abhor people that think in their tiny minds that they are somehow better because they can either shoot a gun or beat someone senseless. I am still yet to understand the primal human need to see who can piss a longer stream in the jungle. The truth of the matter is that no matter what you do or how inadequate you feel, acts of violence will not make you a better person. Let me go point by point on the things that bother me the most in this world of ours.

• Violence Against Women- A man thinks that by beating a woman he establishes himself as king shit. Please go take care of your micro penis complex in a psychiatrist couch you don't impress anyone. If you are tough try wrestling an alligator down in the bayou. 
• Violence Against Children- Men or women do not have the right to rob children of their few precious years of love and innocence. The fact is children are born pure of heart and mind and none of us have the right to screw that up.
• Violence Related to Drugs- Anytime drugs are involved someone is shot, wounded, or completely fucked in some unimaginable way. The problem with this type of violence is that it does not always affect people directly or indirectly involved with drugs. 
• Violence in Protest- Again this is the type f thing that does not need to happen. Martin Luther King protested segregation with non violence and he changed the view of an entire country. Gandhi preached non violence and stands as the type of figure whose understanding of sacrifice really encouraged a whole movement.   

The fact of the matter is that when you hurt someone or you commit an act of violence to prove some ill guided point you accomplish not a damn thing. If you are violent by nature please grow up because your sort is boring and beyond stupid.