BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

When the Shit Hits the Fan (DUCK)

   I have always loved the expression "when the shit hits the fan" but the only mystery behind it is what do you do when said fecal matter hits aforementioned cooling device? I have thought about this not long or hard but thought of it nonetheless. Let us think of this in a different scenario so we may understand how it works. We will begin by assuming that a monkey has become angered and decided to prove a point. The monkey with all his intelligence and power proceeds to start flinging feces at an industrial fan. Given the strength and potency of said fan, the feces of certain powerful consistency manage to lodge themselves in the blade.
  It's obvious that you leave the room because the feces have simply caused a commotion by virtue of ill smell. I also believe that a lose crap flinging monkey is far more interesting anyway. So when the shit hits the fan you duck as a universal response to said issue. You duck simply because you don't know the fecal consistency or the fan strength so better safe than crapped on. Remember that when poop and fans are concerned you duck, no matter the situation. If the issue is a matter of everyday where the poop is a metaphor for a difficult situation you may face you should remember not to act like a jackass.