EVER WONDER ABOUT LIFE IN A MONASTERY?

Monks have been credited with innovations that have shaped everything from the study of genetics all the way to aviation principles. When you think of a monk you normally think of a person wearing a large robe seeking a form of lifelong spiritual enlightenment.

A monastery, as I imagine it, is a place of silence and introspection. I assume the monastery is a sort of fraternity that's dedicated to a singular noble purpose. I get the feeling though that human nature really surfaces. I mean all that silence, introspection, and thought must lead to curiosity. There have to be some questions surfacing at times.

I think life in a monastery really adds to the creative nature of a person. No type of vice, enlightenment, a clear head, it all really leads to creativity that goes beyond simple questioning and deep into examining the laws established by science, the very science that often challenges religion and dismisses spirituality. Yes, life in a monastery must be some kind of something.

RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE LIKE THE DEVIL'S JUICE

You may either laugh or hate me after reading this, but life isn't perfect so I'm not really concerned. I think that this current span or generation of time we are living in has really made relationships the devil's juice. I don't know if the devil exists or what kind of juice he drinks but relationship juice may be his preference, or hers.

Relationships are so damn complicated, no matter the situation there is always that friction. The man/woman dynamic is so complex in so many ways. The toothpaste has been squeezed the wrong way, there's some show you can't watch because the bitch host looks too good, the explosion is always literally a second away. I love being in a relationship but the truth is that relationships are hard work. Any little thing you say can, and often times will be used against you in the court of sex, public opinion, and the sewing circle/ book club circuit. So why do it?

I have taken the liberty to point out a few of the reasons why we get involved:

1. Companionship
2. Friendship 
3. The sex 
4. Sharing
5. Caring 

All of the mentioned points are valid but for each to be seen there has to be some sort of hellacious journey. I'm not saying this is the rule but it seems to occur often and it gives me that feeling of "okay. "

Perhaps things will change in the future but until then, devil's juice dammit!

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

I love being a father, I love kids, and I have fond memories of my childhood and a few defining moments that helped shape a large portion of my behavior. When I was a kid I had a very basic and clear description of the "Don't go there regions." Im certain you are wondering what the hell a " Don't go there region" is, so by all means let me enlighten you. The following list covers some of the major "Don't go there regions" of my youth:

1. Stealing.
2. Raising my voice.
3. Interrupting others.
4. Fighting.
5. Disrespecting my elders.
6. Bullying.
7. Tantrums. 
8. Staying up late.

As I grew each region took on a new dimension but essentially the concept was the same. One thing that I did was test the regions, as it turns out my first test was successful in giving me a clear message that further testing would result in some manner of my own demise.  I will never forget it because it involved 3 regions at once as well as my favorite candy.

I was a five year old and extremely outgoing, I had what some would call a winning personality that captured the heart of many, partly because I was a master at engaging people in conversation. My mom and Step Dad took me to the supermarket after picking me up from school. This particular trip was a welcome change as it meant that I could play both sides against the middle and get a box of Jordan Almonds, my favorite candy. 

I attempted to work my plan when, in unison, my parents said " NO." I could see my hope evaporate, the taste of the sweet shell left as soon as it had arrived. In my young and semi- devious mind I was crushed as well as blinded by my ambition. The 1980's were a decade of greed and I was greedy for my candy. Naturally I did what came natural to a child that age and threw a tantrum, my mother squashed it with something I like to refer to as the eyebrow of death. I wrestled the almonds away from my step dad's hand and darted to the comfort of our car. I thought this was done and over seeing as how possession is nine tenths of the law. I was so mistaken as both my parents spanked me, took the almonds, and proceeded to punish me. 

Now I flash forward thirty years and think of some of the kids I see today. Parents are totally afraid to discipline their kids and the little fuckers know, and often take advantage of the situation. I'm not saying this is the majority of cases or even half but I swear it sickens me. Parents don't need to beat the shit out of their kids but some parameters and a spanking when necessary in order to assert authority works way better than a conversation. Spanking is not abuse, using a belt or going medieval is. What was done to our parents in the 50's and 60's helped spawn peace and love and that's great, but seriously. 

AN ODD COUPLE MADE IN COMEDY HEAVEN

I haven't really kept up with the news of Vladimir Putin's latest shenanigans, simply because I don't particularly care for him in any respect. When I saw a picture circulating of Putin next to Steven Seagal my curiosity was peaked. I glanced over the article where the "Star" called Putin a brother and so on. I realized then that Putin has a side gig, luring fat has been actors into Russia with promises of of doughnuts, cheese, and fine wine.

I think Putin believes that with warriors like Seagal and Gerard Depardieu he can make make the world think twice about his martial arts and governing abilities. Seagal is a Mob Hitman, CIA Operative, Martial Arts Guru, Action Star, Cop, Reality Star and Voodoo Priest. The implications here are that Putin can learn so very much from the jolly fat weapon of mass pollution, he may well be unstoppable.

Let's see how these two bangerz threaten the world, and yes that was a Miley reference.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

HELP OUT THESE GUYS

Rarely do you ever have an opportunity to help make something great happen. I can get on a crowd funding site and tell you to please give me money for my film but really, is a VHS tape of an old man farting a film? I want to tell you about a great film 28 Minute Epic.  Go check out its kickstarter at: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/827894937/28-minute-epic. Check out what these guys are about and donate something, even if it's just a few dollars, make something great happen for some great and highly talented guys!

JUSTIN BIEBER..........THIS WAS TOO EASY

I bet that every pre pubescent girl is screaming " No, it was baking powder and he was trying to deliver eggs" as it relates to Justin Bieber. I personally don't give a shit but the fallout is absolutely hilarious. Justin Bieber is a talented artist but a total douche. I think that he has a ways to go before he hits the necessary wall. I'm certain the next step is a crack filled, sex video with ball wrecker Miley Cyrus.