EVER WONDER ABOUT LIFE IN A MONASTERY?

Monks have been credited with innovations that have shaped everything from the study of genetics all the way to aviation principles. When you think of a monk you normally think of a person wearing a large robe seeking a form of lifelong spiritual enlightenment.

A monastery, as I imagine it, is a place of silence and introspection. I assume the monastery is a sort of fraternity that's dedicated to a singular noble purpose. I get the feeling though that human nature really surfaces. I mean all that silence, introspection, and thought must lead to curiosity. There have to be some questions surfacing at times.

I think life in a monastery really adds to the creative nature of a person. No type of vice, enlightenment, a clear head, it all really leads to creativity that goes beyond simple questioning and deep into examining the laws established by science, the very science that often challenges religion and dismisses spirituality. Yes, life in a monastery must be some kind of something.

I WILL SLAP A NUN IN THE MOUTH

Did my tittle get your attention? I'm glad to know that you are easily shocked. I would never hit a nun in the mouth but the thought did cross my mind once. If you are wondering why, it's because a bitch nun hit me once when I was in fifth grade. I have such a vivid memory from that day, I will never forget it, in a way it was my first experience with a dominant female. Okay I know that sounds weird so let me step back for a second.

The nun, who shall remain nameless, was a huge bitch and by huge I mean she looked to be well over six feet tall. I knew this nun was the biggest, baddest man in Santa Monica Academy, located in Puerto Rico. The bitch was crazy and angry, an angry nun is a dangerous nun.

This particular nun had a look of disgust that was so damn horrible. I remember one day I was running to class and felt the power of her nearly demonic gaze stop me in my tracks. I often wondered if this woman was raised by coyotes in the forrest after her mother placed her in a cage and threw her out the circus truck's bed. I realized that it was impossible for coyotes to have raised her because, as I understood it, there were no coyotes in Puerto Rico. This woman was a force of evil that had risen from the depths of the Vatican. I knew my theory was off because the Vatican is located in Rome and the woman was Puerto Rican. I felt that an impending confrontation with this testosterone powered penguin was inevitable. One day my worst fears became a horrid reality, a reality I would not soon forget.

The nun, or Sister Adalwulf as I refer to her, chose her spot correctly. I did not want to go to service one day and that bitch sought me out. I was quick and ran through the corridors of Santa Monica, I knew I could ill afford to be caught by her. I ran to my classroom and could hear her big manly feet slowly plodding toward my location, it was like hearing my doom come near.

I hid behind a desk but to no avail as my young, very hot, female teacher had to point me out. I saw the sadness in Ms. Martinez, her porcelain like skin quivered as she understood that this form of betrayal destroyed any possible future hot for teacher encounters. The devil had caught up to me and it looked to give me a serious ass whooping. The sister dragged me with her manly strength and hit me twice with a ruler and referred to me as a heretic that needed to be exorcised.

I later moved to Florida but I never forgot my cup of coffee with the flames of hell. I was later told that the bitch was still alive. I am not surprised she is still alive since she is only 58 which,by Geraldo's count, is the new 38. My point is, I hate that stinking sack of crap and if nothing else I hope that she is slapped by the, god bless her.

LUXURY ALWAYS BECOMES NECESSITY

Cell phones, pagers, and any amount of things that you can imagine have been a luxury at one point or another. At one point cell phones were so rare that they were a status symbol, much in the same way as a Commodore 64 or IBM PC JR. Now some two and half decades later we look at cell phones, computers, and just about everything that was once a luxury, as a major need. I remember being a middle school kid and seeing pager as a luxury and seeing pagers become a must a couple of years later.

I remember being in the cool kids club with my NEC pager with a giant screen. There was something special about having the same piece of equipment as a Doctor. I remember my father's pager had no screen, just a speaker, and some buttons on the side.

The fact is that while some luxuries will always remain just that their predecessors while simple were also luxuries. Let's talk about cars for a second, a Ferrari is a luxury but a Ford Model T was one too. Cars were a luxury as well at one point and in some parts of the world they are still luxuries by virtue of cost, taxes, and fuel. 

Perhaps the next big necessity will be something cool like a hovercraft or spaceship, maybe a car that can be used as a blender. Life will always have special surprises for us.

NOT JUST SINEAD TEARS UP POPE PICTURES

The Reverend Andrea Maggi burned a photo of Pope Benedict claiming that he is no shepherd but a man that abandoned his flock. Half the congregation in the church of Santo Stefano Protomatire of Castel Vittorio walked out in shock. I guess this priest must have been watching re-runs of SNL and caught the episode of Sinead O'Connor tearing up the picture of Pope John Paul II.  Supposedly this priest is in a fragile state of mind so, I wonder if he was running out of altar boys to molest since it's a small village.

The bottom line is that the Catholic Church was in dire straits long before Benedict came in so for some  village idiot priest to burn Benedict's photo only makes a statement that speaks to the ignorance of so many in the Catholic Church. I would go as far as saying that the decision Benedict made was probably the best move in recent Catholic history. Benedict was older and losing faculties and did not want to stay past his prime. I don't blame Benedict for his decision because at the end of the day what could he do if he was in bad health. I think that the biggest problem is that some obscure members of the church see this as a way to make a statement.

My advice to the reverend is to go make himself a nice stew and drink himself half to death. This kind of accident is yet another reason why the Catholic Church is seen as more of a fading institution than as a place to follow. Like Sinead said some years back " Fight the real enemy."