SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

I love being a father, I love kids, and I have fond memories of my childhood and a few defining moments that helped shape a large portion of my behavior. When I was a kid I had a very basic and clear description of the "Don't go there regions." Im certain you are wondering what the hell a " Don't go there region" is, so by all means let me enlighten you. The following list covers some of the major "Don't go there regions" of my youth:

1. Stealing.
2. Raising my voice.
3. Interrupting others.
4. Fighting.
5. Disrespecting my elders.
6. Bullying.
7. Tantrums. 
8. Staying up late.

As I grew each region took on a new dimension but essentially the concept was the same. One thing that I did was test the regions, as it turns out my first test was successful in giving me a clear message that further testing would result in some manner of my own demise.  I will never forget it because it involved 3 regions at once as well as my favorite candy.

I was a five year old and extremely outgoing, I had what some would call a winning personality that captured the heart of many, partly because I was a master at engaging people in conversation. My mom and Step Dad took me to the supermarket after picking me up from school. This particular trip was a welcome change as it meant that I could play both sides against the middle and get a box of Jordan Almonds, my favorite candy. 

I attempted to work my plan when, in unison, my parents said " NO." I could see my hope evaporate, the taste of the sweet shell left as soon as it had arrived. In my young and semi- devious mind I was crushed as well as blinded by my ambition. The 1980's were a decade of greed and I was greedy for my candy. Naturally I did what came natural to a child that age and threw a tantrum, my mother squashed it with something I like to refer to as the eyebrow of death. I wrestled the almonds away from my step dad's hand and darted to the comfort of our car. I thought this was done and over seeing as how possession is nine tenths of the law. I was so mistaken as both my parents spanked me, took the almonds, and proceeded to punish me. 

Now I flash forward thirty years and think of some of the kids I see today. Parents are totally afraid to discipline their kids and the little fuckers know, and often take advantage of the situation. I'm not saying this is the majority of cases or even half but I swear it sickens me. Parents don't need to beat the shit out of their kids but some parameters and a spanking when necessary in order to assert authority works way better than a conversation. Spanking is not abuse, using a belt or going medieval is. What was done to our parents in the 50's and 60's helped spawn peace and love and that's great, but seriously. 

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE GENERAL?

I have always loved indulging in the occasional chinese take out dish. One of my favorite dishes is the very popular General Tso's chicken. I never thought much about the name because to be totally honest with you I just did not care. While in world history class I remember learning about various dynasties, empires, and military figures in China with one said figure being General Tso. When I heard the good General's name I asked the obvious question: Was that the chicken guy? I was told, to great surprise, that more than likely he never invented or tasted his famous chicken. I was shocked and left with a feeling that I somehow needed to complete a pointless quest to learn the truth behind General Tso and the chicken. I asked the universal question: Which came first, the chicken or the General?

I studied a little more about the good General in order to better understand why he was chosen to be immortalized in every chinese take out menu in America. As it turns out the General was quite a military strategist over a significant span of his 73 year life. The General suppressed the Dungan revolt and served during the Qing Empire's civil war against the Taiping Rebellion which saw 20 million deaths. Early on the good General did not show as much promise and was a somewhat average citizen but his thirst and hunger for knowledge led him to study and understand political economy as well as western sciences. The General would eventually hold highly influential posts and serve as a key figure in the development of other military figures for years to come.

I decided to research the chicken only to learn that it was claimed by multiple places from New York to Taiwan and that it was in actuality named after the General as a way to honor him. I was thoroughly disappointed that the General never actually cooked said chicken and that the whole thing was just to keep his name alive. The truth is it would have been cool if the General would have been like the Chinese Colonel Sanders. Can you imagine a meeting between Colonel Sanders and General Tso? I can imagine that the meeting would not have really gone well given the fact that they did not speak one another's languages and that they did not have the same chicken methodology. Alas I dare to dream the impossible.

Thank you General Tso for your contribution to chicken and your lesser highlighted military achievements.

GIVE TACOS BACK THEIR PRESTIGE

I have decided to launch a campaign that will likely result in a significant change in the food pyramid  . What is this campaign you ask? It's simple really, I want to bring prestige back to the taco. The fact is that when done right the taco can be one hell of a meal. I have seen tacos made with carne frita, carne asada, rice, onions, and so many wonderful things that you just think you won't be able to fit it the mouth.

Recently and I mean over the last three decades places like Taco Bell and other bastard incarnations have turned the once noble taco into a cheap, tawdry, whore like snack. I say that this needs to change and that change can come starting now! Let's make the taco the proud dish it once one. Boycott Taco Bell and let us all make youtube videos that could possibly span a gubernatorial candidate. I think we can all agree the taco deserves better.

Let's look at the decline of the taco people:

1) It is thought of as a shitty snack
2) Often used to refer as a woman's genital region
3) People think it has filler material instead of actual meat
4) It is sometimes sold in mass quantities
5) No sauce, a taco is not a taco without Tabasco sauce
6) Considered a lesser plate

I say let's stand up as a nation for our noble and helpful taco. YES WE CAN!!!!! TACO NOW, TACO MANANA, AND TACO FOREVER!

The Flatbread is the Metrosexual Quesadilla

Yes I am really going into this territory and you may ask why so here goes. I did not start partaking in flatbread until about seven years ago when I was the beneficiary of an accidental addition to my order at my local chapter of Crispers restaurant. I thought of the flatbread as a cracker with multiple chunks of goodness spread all over.

I looked at it for a second and harkened back to my first ever quesadilla experience. I have always been a loyal and devoted follower of the quesadilla. While I enjoyed my flatbread I began to look at it like people that drink Mr. Pibb look at Dr. Pepper. To Mr. Pibb drinkers Dr. Pepper is a pretentious soda with some sort of entitlement given it's educational superiority. I viewed this flatbread as a sort of asshole quesadilla.

The flatbread is neat and everything is presented in a manner that makes you think twice before eating it. The flatbread is also presented in a plate that compliments its shape and dimensions which are typically flat and rectangular. The quesadilla is a stark contrast to the neatness and inflexibility of the flatbread.

The quesadilla is chunky, large, and served in a round plate. The quesadilla is accompanied by sour cream, salsa, shredded lettuce and guacamole. When you eat a quesadilla you know you are eating something not meant to be seen and marveled at. I guess this particular differentiation does not represent a quandary for those that love food and will eat anything.

In order to better reconcile this situation I look at the flatbread as the metrosexual quesadilla. I understand they have different origins but food is food and in the end it all looks the same.