THE WAY TO HANDLE A JACKASS

Have you ever noticed the pseudo intellectual air of people that lob thinly veiled criticism? To me it's a thing of beauty witnessing people attempt to flex the thought muscle. I have been through that so many times, getting that unrequested and unwanted piece of shit advice. I love to just sit back and listen just so that I can pick out the twenty little mistakes in the advice itself. I have lived that and dealt with it since the day I realized I wanted to become a writer. I will never cease to be amazed by people giving their opinions with regards to everything that they know nothing about.

When it comes to people giving unwanted and unrequested advice and criticism I have come up with a ten step plan and the plan goes as follows:

1. Sit
2. Listen
3. Pay close attention
4. Allow yourself to go to a place other than the one you are in mentally
5. Count 25 sheep 
6. Think about your favorite food
7. Think about your favorite show
8. Think about your favorite movie
9. Think about your favorite muppets character 
10. FART!

Nothing clears a room and ends a conversation you don't want to have more effectively than a lethal fart. It doesn't matter the distance because farting is the universal language of discomfort. Yes, thats the way to handle it just fart until you feel a weight has left your body. Maybe this doesn't work for you in principle and perhaps it won't work in practice but it's still worth a shot. 

When the Shit Hits the Fan (DUCK)

   I have always loved the expression "when the shit hits the fan" but the only mystery behind it is what do you do when said fecal matter hits aforementioned cooling device? I have thought about this not long or hard but thought of it nonetheless. Let us think of this in a different scenario so we may understand how it works. We will begin by assuming that a monkey has become angered and decided to prove a point. The monkey with all his intelligence and power proceeds to start flinging feces at an industrial fan. Given the strength and potency of said fan, the feces of certain powerful consistency manage to lodge themselves in the blade.
  It's obvious that you leave the room because the feces have simply caused a commotion by virtue of ill smell. I also believe that a lose crap flinging monkey is far more interesting anyway. So when the shit hits the fan you duck as a universal response to said issue. You duck simply because you don't know the fecal consistency or the fan strength so better safe than crapped on. Remember that when poop and fans are concerned you duck, no matter the situation. If the issue is a matter of everyday where the poop is a metaphor for a difficult situation you may face you should remember not to act like a jackass.