AN ODD COUPLE MADE IN COMEDY HEAVEN

I haven't really kept up with the news of Vladimir Putin's latest shenanigans, simply because I don't particularly care for him in any respect. When I saw a picture circulating of Putin next to Steven Seagal my curiosity was peaked. I glanced over the article where the "Star" called Putin a brother and so on. I realized then that Putin has a side gig, luring fat has been actors into Russia with promises of of doughnuts, cheese, and fine wine.

I think Putin believes that with warriors like Seagal and Gerard Depardieu he can make make the world think twice about his martial arts and governing abilities. Seagal is a Mob Hitman, CIA Operative, Martial Arts Guru, Action Star, Cop, Reality Star and Voodoo Priest. The implications here are that Putin can learn so very much from the jolly fat weapon of mass pollution, he may well be unstoppable.

Let's see how these two bangerz threaten the world, and yes that was a Miley reference.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE.......BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY

If you are offended by restrooms, feces, urine, and toilet paper, this particular entry is not for you. Im writing not about the natural process of expelling waste from the body but about the required etiquette when doing so in public.

The public restroom was created for the purpose of helping individuals comfortably go about the day without a tight bladder, or for that matter a clogged sphincter. The public restroom and the latrine are noble servants of a worthy yet disgusting cause. I do often wonder why so many people fail to respect the public restroom and the crowd of respectful attendees.

I am referring to those moments in time when you walk into the stall and there is a ton of shit with toilet paper just begging to be flushed. You get that "flush me" bug in your ear but you won't because what you are looking at is some repugnant shit. I know it's not a pleasant image so strike it and think " What can I do to make it better? "

I have taken the liberty to answer that question with a list of proper bathroom behaviors that should be observed:

1) Flush, it's not a fucking science.
2) Don't use the whole roll, it's not a necessity.
3) If there is explosive content emanating, flush twice.
4) Don't pee on the seat, I mean who the hell does that?
5) Teach your kids the rules, shitting on the walls in order to spell your name is not cute.
6) Do not write Jamiroquai lyrics in poop, it's not a talent.
7) Don't skank up the sink.

Men, women, children, follow these damn rules, for the love of earth.

HELP OUT THESE GUYS

Rarely do you ever have an opportunity to help make something great happen. I can get on a crowd funding site and tell you to please give me money for my film but really, is a VHS tape of an old man farting a film? I want to tell you about a great film 28 Minute Epic.  Go check out its kickstarter at: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/827894937/28-minute-epic. Check out what these guys are about and donate something, even if it's just a few dollars, make something great happen for some great and highly talented guys!

JUSTIN BIEBER..........THIS WAS TOO EASY

I bet that every pre pubescent girl is screaming " No, it was baking powder and he was trying to deliver eggs" as it relates to Justin Bieber. I personally don't give a shit but the fallout is absolutely hilarious. Justin Bieber is a talented artist but a total douche. I think that he has a ways to go before he hits the necessary wall. I'm certain the next step is a crack filled, sex video with ball wrecker Miley Cyrus.

SPACE CATS WILL MAKE YOU THE COOLEST EVER

Miley Cyrus has gotten a lot of criticism because she grew up and no one associates her with her Hannah Montana image anymore. Miley is highly sexual, overly suggestive and it seems like that overshadows her amazing voice. Miley managed to completely turn that around with her AMA performance, with space cats no less.

Miley came out looking hot in a cat two piece and began belting out her hit Wrecking Ball with a kitty in the background. The cat served as a backup singer and as he sang the wire graphics reminiscent of the original Star Wars video game would come out and the cat ended up doing the tongue thing and crying. I think this moment far outshines the time when her dad offered critics a quarter in order to call someone who cares after he won for some douche country song.

I won't ever really be a huge Miley fan but I gotta give her this one because it was one of those performances that's both perfect and insane in every imaginable way.

THE ART OF THE UNUSUAL NAME

Every country in the world has its popular names. Here in the states you have Matthew, James, Michael, and so on. There is a true art in making your kid's name something no one's ever heard and making it cool. Let's assume you have a boy and a German last name. How would you make the kids's name cool? Start by eliminating the obvious like Adolph, or Kaiser Wilhelm. So how do you narrow it down? 

• If it's a boy look for something that sounds almost macho movie star like.
• Avoid tech names.
• Do not use something that can be sexual like Ballerio which can be likened to ball licker in some way.

It's also important to look at the kid and assess his or her glaring physical features. Make sure if you have a hairy kid you don't name it Wolf or Thestral. It's good to not name the kid for at leas two or three weeks while planning the name. Think in the realm of the magical and then look at superheroes as well. It may be that you are into the goth, so you may want to look at some of the following sources: 

• Ancient Greek history.
• Scythian history, relating to ancient greece.
• Jordanes 

Picking a cool name is all going to depend on the research, your knowledge of the name and ultimately how comfortable you are with ramifications such as beat downs and harassment. Picking an unusual name is an art, don't fuck it up. 

JOHN KERRY, SECRETARY OF STATE AND SECRET SUPERHERO

You have to love John Kerry no matter what your political preference is. John Kerry is not an ordinary politician. When there is trouble on the floor of the United Nations Kerry turns into JK Man. JK man is strong like the Hulk, quick, not totally set on his positions like Superman, and in possession of a masculine square jaw. Kerry is not really going through despair in terms of negotiations for the end of Iran's nuclear program, he is simply letting think he is slightly desperate.

JK Man shall surface and use his super strength, Batman like deduction powers, Martian Manhunter Musculature, Green Lantern imagination, and Aquaman uselessness in order to try and craft a second failed bid for president in the year 2016. Iran shall be very surprised by the great JK Man and they shall end their program out of fear. The wrath of JK Man shall prevail!