THE INTERNET AS A PERSON

Have you ever wondered what the internet would be like as a person? I think given the vast array of knowledge and connectivity in the web it would be something like Archie Bunker in that it would e full of knowledge that's not always useful, more than a little racism, a lot of narrow mindedness and more than likely a massive asexual nature that would almost completely forbid it from reproduction. I am fascinated by the internet for so many reasons.

None of use can give the internet a physical appearance whatsoever. The internet could be a sexy woman, a fat man, a Nigerian scheme artist looking to spread your family's wealth to you since a horrific plane crash or a dog. We don't know what it looks like but we can give it some shape. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have the internet over for dinner?

I imagine the internet would provide great conversation and an occasional anecdote concerning some unimaginable sexual act involving a bottle, a french tickler, a blender and two different types of orange juice. Then there is the internet's growth into relationships and possible proliferation of the family persuasion. I know I mentioned the internet as asexual but I can imagine an internet child. I think the internet would likely marry Forgy Network, a petite girl in the communications industry.

I imagine the internet would name his first child My Space whilst the second far more gifted and charismatic one would be known as Facebook and a third with the ability to assimilate would be known as Twitter. The internet would disown My Space for being completely lame while watching Facebook marry off to Jennifer Instagram Epstein while Twitter would struggle in a long term live in relationship with Pinterest Long that just won't go anywhere due to Pinterest's one dimensional views and narrow minded nature.

The Internet would never retire and work the same way Fidel Castro has, blocks of eternity. Chances are that the net would run for political office and end up taking the world in some sort of misinformation coup that would employ vast amounts of ignorance from followers. I think that the film TRON pretty much gave it all away as far as the internet goes.

Lucky for us the internet is not a person with said capabilities of taking over the world, or is it?

THE EVOLUTION OF THE IM

I remember when AOL IM was the only game in town. In those days, not so long ago, the conversation was started by the iconic magic sounding pixie dust bit. I remember the conversations were like meat market exchanges between horny tweeners and promiscuous housewives. I shall now provide an example of said exchanges:

Tweener: Hey!

Slutty Lady: Hi!

Tweener: How are you?

Slutty Lady: Good.

Tweener: What are you doing?

Slutty Lady: A/S/L

Tweener: 35/M/ Manhattan

At this point you knew the conversation was heading to some sort of exchange that included sand paper and bodily fluids coupled with some manner of Chinese Water Torture. The one thing that always stuck out was how you didn't always know the lingo and so, in a way, you had to coax it out of the person in order to understand what they were saying. The following is a sample of said situation:

Person 1: So are you horny? LOL

Person 2: Um yeah LOL

Person 1: Lol

Person 2: Hahahaha

Person 1: Yes!

Person 2: LO

Person 1: ???

Person 2: Like LOL.

Person 1: So laughing out?

Person 2: Yes!!!!!

Person 1: But not loud?

Person 2: YES!!!! LOL

At this point during the conversation you knew something and would go on to use it. Sometimes vulnerability would rear in asking the meaning of something like A/S/L. When you knew the lingo it was like sitting at the permanently reserved cool kids lunch table in elementary and middle school. There was always that moment when you ran into someone that would pull the pseudo intellect to really smack you across the emotional face. It was always some moment that made you question the cyber cred you had as an online player.

Now that Skype, Messenger, Yahoo!, and Gmail chat have a share of the IM market there seems to be new lingo to figure out such as:

FML
LMAO
LMFAO
IDK
TTYL

This type of lingo seems to be more in tune with today's misguided and less productive youth and also a lot easier to figure out. I am not really a fan of all this BS but I do find its evolution to be quite entertaining and let's face it society is in some sort of vacuum. Why not study incorrect and somehow acceptable abbreviations of words?