WHY I ALWAYS HATED KINDERGARTEN

Life has a way of indicating how it's going to unfold from the very beginning. Right after you come out of the womb you are spanked by some strange man for the sake of opening up the bronchial tubes. The truth is that I have always wondered how that works when the ass serves a purpose not directly related to breathing. Right after you say your first word projectile urinating and pooping while in a public place thus creating the saggy diaper look are no longer looked upon fondly. A few years go by and the comfort zone of the home is shot to hell when mommy decides she wants to re new her career as a circus stylist and you are shipped to a camp with a bunch of snot nose peers whose biggest accomplishment is counting to four and yet they are considered gifted by their parents. Finally you get used to this den of shit known as daycare and you feel good until you become a ward of the state, that's right, kindergarten.

Kindergarten is the biggest indicator of what life will be like. I know that if you have made it this far you are wondering what exactly I mean when I say this. Let's break down the kindergarten science of life. The day you arrived you express some serious hesitation because you are once more out of your comfort zone. The other kids have a specific role that they play because it falls within their nature. One kid is a brat and by process of growth he is also a bully. There is a pretty girl that you are silently interested in but whom you will not acknowledge because you do not want to be a sissy. There is the hot teacher that makes you want to explore your masculinity in the future and there is always the group of three little bastards with a toad like follower whose ass you want to kick. Kindergarten isn't different than life.

In life you have the asshole boss and the lovely girl a step above you. There is that feeling of apprehension the minute something new comes along and oh yes nap time. You usually meet death at some point during Kindergarten and it doesn't matter if it's the goldfish, the snails, or the beloved hamster known as Mr. Nibbles Hamsterington III. The months pass and much as in life you learn about patterns, colors, attitudes, and ultimately you learn about disappointment when you find out you are the tree and not the prince in the play. That's right everyone Kindergarten is a fabrication of our own self delusion. The truth is that as we learn about hand turkeys and Miles Standish we are being prepped for promotions, demotions, and heartbreak.

Would I ever turn back time? FUCK NO!