TRAVEL STORY FROM A LONG LONG FLIGHT

I love airplanes because they are like cans of sardines full of crazy goodness. To me a flight no matter how long or short is something of an experience. I love to just sit and watch people because I understand that in every individual lies a story waiting to be told. Sometimes that story is really the jerk you are seated next to or behind.

I guess you know where I am headed with this so here it goes. In the plane on the way back to the US I had the misfortune of being seated behind this idiot. The guy reclined his seat so far back that I could barely move. The guy was not only inconsiderate but a total ass as well. This is the type of person that brings his own Coca Cola and leaves the fucking cans under the seat. I was angry but this day and age kicking ass on a plane is not a good idea.

I decided to take the best approach to solving my problem. I saw a kid nearby and realized he was part of a tourist family headed to Disney. I offered the kid twenty bucks to scream "That man scares me" as the asshole slept. I worked out a signal with the kid and was shocked that his parents did not realize the transaction. I waited and waited to make my move. I noticed the asshole was in a deep sleep so I decided to strike with cobra like precision.

I gave the kid my signal and he screamed and started to fake cry and screamed the agreed upon phrase. The asshole was jolted because the kid screamed so loud and then the Flight Attendant requested he put his seat up a little bit. I laughed inside with great joy and jubilation. Ultimately the guy asked me if I was okay with the position of his seat to which I responded " Sure, no problems here." The look of discomfort and embarrassment in his face were well worth the twenty dollars I spent.

SO WHAT IF I PISSED ON YOUR COFFEE

I have often heard the question "Who pissed in your coffee?" asked to people that I know. I was asked this question very recently and I have to be honest I was somewhat puzzled and decided to research the matter of coffee and urine mixed together.

I did not actually urinate in anyone's cup of coffee because I think that would require phenomenal flow control and accuracy. I do not actually suffer prostate maladies of any sort but still urinating is like rain in many ways, the golden shower is impossible to predict. I did however decide to conduct a highly scientific experiment using the basic scientific method. I hypothesized that pissing in coffee would make anyone angry.

I decided that I would then see if telling a person that their coffee had been urinated upon. In order to accomplish this I decided to go ahead and make coffee with a little flour. I decided to then add a little lemon to it as well. I told my son to try it and the told him I urinated in it. My son was disgusted and looked at my with anger. I laughed and told him that I did not really urinate in his coffee.

I noted that result and realized that pissing in someone's coffee would in fact ruin their day. The lesson is please do not piss on someone's coffee.

STARS IN DARK SKIES

One night after a righteous cocaine nose job a man stepped out into the dark. As the man looked around  he saw nothing but darkness. The only light that shined on his conscious mind and physical presence  was that light provided by the stars in the night sky. There was emptiness and silence, the man's mind was a kaleidoscope without color. The little bits and pieces in the man's mind that created the different forms and figures were in black and white with no areas forming any sort of illusions.

As the man walked he found himself getting closer to the stars. The man was not fully aware of reality so he could not tell if this was a hallucination. There was no noise in the background and the black sport coat and white shirt he wore could not shield him from the cold. As the man walked it seemed as if he were moving slowly up an escalator.

The stars shined brighter and became bigger and bigger as he went further and further up the celestial pathway. The famous lights were shinning and the man thought he was dead or close to it. The man was looking around and wondering if this was the end. As he looked around he became more and more confused. The man's skin wrinkled while keeping it's well tanned complexion. The man saw a drink materialize in his hand and started seeing mirrors form in the stars.

The man's hair turned grey right before him and he could see it. Each mirror seemed to illustrate something he could not see or feel. The images were still photographs of his own life as it slipped into the stars slowly. Suddenly without warning the man saw an explosion of light that appeared ready to engulf him. With great fear the man covered himself ready for the worst.

The man awoke in a field and saw himself surrounded by people looking in worst condition than him. The man saw fear, he saw panic and he saw a bright light. The man saw that explosion that had engulfed him and arose ready to walk on. The night had taken him into dark skies but the stars had given him a new life.