THE WISDOM OF AGE

I always had a problem relating to my grandfather. I never knew if he was angry, happy, or what his deal was. The fact is that as he got older he seemed to lose emotion, or the ability to express it. I would often times call him only to feel like I had pretty much wasted my time. As I grew and matured I realized that my grandfather was not really an asshole, he was just a wise old man. It's amazing how when you measure a wise ass to an old wise man there is a huge difference.

My grandfather had a quick sharp mind and was always on his toes. The one thing my grandfather held on to was his mind. I realized that, although he was never my idol, my grandfather knew that with the passage of time there was one weapon that could only improve, his mind. I understand that with age comes wisdom.

I rarely ever see an elderly individual that doesn't use his or her experience to a breathtaking advantage in life. We lose our legs, our muscular capacity, we even lose our looks, and yet it's impossible to lose our minds if we chose it as such. Yes we diminish capacity with age but the mind seems to get stronger in some respects. I will never really be a fan of my mom's father, my grandfather, but I will always respect him for the one lesson he taught me. With our age comes our greatest wisdom, should we accept it.

MY CONVERSATION WITH AN ANGRY SENIOR

You ever have one of those "oh shit" moments? To me an "oh shit" moment usually centers around angry senior citizens giving me the business. Usually senior citizens are mellow and kind and easy to get along with. Senior Citizens will give you ribbon candy, smile at you, and tell you stories about olden days when things were ten cents. There are always those rare old assholes that you just want to kill but they never seem to appear until you least expect it.

I had an "oh shit" moment once and it went something like this:

OLD PERSON: Move it asshole.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: You heard me you young, sunglass wearing, expensive cologne wearing idiot.

ME: Excuse me, what exactly have I done to--

OLD PERSON: You are like the rest of them.

ME: Rest of who?

OLD PERSON: Young people, all of them full of shit.

ME: How is--

OLD PERSON: You think you are so special.

ME: But--

OLD PERSON: With your shoes, and your coffee and your cocaine.

ME: What?

OLD PERSON: That's right, I know what drugs you young people use.

ME: I peel the skin of my chicken.

OLD PERSON: Because you put the cocaine on your chicken like an asshole.

ME: Are you in need of metamucil?

OLD PERSON: Go fuck yourself with your scarf and your jeans and your shoes.

To me these moments are priceless because the things I hear are perfect writer's material. Here comes the choo choo motherfuckers.

GOTTA LOVE OLD ASSHOLES

So I was at London's Gatwick Airport and after making it through the series of lines required to take me to the gate I was en route to the actual gate itself. When I stopped at the line for the gate I encountered a man that was at least 700 years old and reminded me of everything I hated about my childhood.

This old man was unhappy, unkempt, wrinkled all to hell and reeked of awful ribbon candy. As I moved on to show my passport the man saw it was not signed. I was carrying a new passport so it was an honest oversight. The man asked me if I had ever been witness to any terrorist activity. I was shocked by the question so I responded with an emphatic "NO." The old bastard continued to ask me bullshit questions and I continued to answer.

I was asked if I harbored illegals in place of residence as well as if I had ever been convicted of rape. I decided to tell him the Chunk story from The Goonies because he was really pissing me off. The old man stopped me angrily and told me to move on and be less suspicious next time. I told him to try wearing Old Spice to a party full of hookers. I am sure he did not hear me as I mumbled the insult in an attempt from being arrested.

The point of this rant is really just if you are old please do not be an asshole and if you are an old asshole do not work in an airport.