THE MORNING AFTER

You ever get that "holly shit feeling" after you connect with a person in an intimate way? To me that is the most hilarious thing in the world, that "oh shit, what did I do?" feeling. I have never gotten that particular feeling because I've never done the hookup thing at any point in my life. I do know people that have done that and it's funny as hell. The facial expressions alone are incredible even after the fact. The big wide eyed look that say " I don't know what I did but I know it wasn't good at all." That look is usually coupled with a question of whether or not someone is pregnant and if there is some manner of herpes involved.

Once the initial shock wears off you wonder what you did and that's even funnier. The questions are usually "Okay so I was drinking and then what?" Then you wonder if your parents know and you wonder what your friends know and who said what to who. The closest I have ever come to that feeling is getting so drunk at one party that I bit walls and made animal noises. I was told that I kicked over a kitty litter box and made a kitty litter sculpture. I think it's a wonderful thing that the cat had yet to establish his territory in said when I decided to kicked the box.

As far as the hookup goes there is that worry that you were left with some sort of dirty funk. The morning after is one of life's wonders so respect it and enjoy it. The morning after happens to almost everyone so please don't hate yourself when you reek of sex and shame.

ONLY IN AMSTERDAM

When I traveled to Amsterdam I was curious about the Red Light District just as any good tourist would be. I was interested because just the sight of a million red windows is absolutely fascinating. There is a bonus in the form of many beautiful girls in the windows. The women were dressed nicely , in lingerie no less. I walked and saw window after window and thought to myself " wow, these are some lovely hookers."

The backstreets were so narrow people had to walk in single file lines. The buildings looked absolutely grand at first glance. Every building looked like an architect's dream apartment building. As I walked I saw something that peaked my interest. I know you are thinking that my next statement is going to involve a lady of the night and you are right to think that. The lady was what appeared to be a 65 year old woman.

I say she appeared 65 because she really did look like she was a grandmother. I don't know if this lady just looked that way because she has been having sex as a profession for so long. The lady seemed happy, she would wave at everyone and smile. I wonder if she gave her clients ribbon candy and postcards. I mean at 65 I imagine sex can still be appealing but I just don't get that vibe. I did wave at the lady and knock on her window in order to let her know that she reminded me of someone special. The truth is she didn't but I just felt compelled to make her feel better.

Only in Amsterdam!

WHY I DON'T EVEN GO TO BARS ANYMORE

I love having the occasional beer and maybe even the little peanut bowl that comes with it. Bars were always a good place for people to meet up in groups, have a nice conversation, watch a game and then take off. Today a bar is exactly the same as a meat market. When you park your car you think of what you want, find your place, look around and then move in for some sort of half assed attempt at a kill. Every time people go to bars they go for the same reason, a hookup.

I don't personally like bars because honestly I can't drink in peace. Next to me I always see the annoying drunk girl looking for some form of attention and on the other side there's always that group of jackass, executive wannabe, morons trying to be the cool standout while dancing on tables. The point is that to me bars are no longer a fun place to be and maybe they never really were.

To me nightlife is relative to the person living it. I think bars are in the same vein as clubs because people got away from clubs to try and find peace, now people are doing the same thing in bars that they wanted to do in clubs. I think the situation has always been the same only now it's more obvious. I guess there really is no place where everybody knows your name.

NOTHING WORST THAN AN OLD HAS BEEN

This blog is aimed at one specific individual that shall for now remain nameless. For the sake of identification we shall call him DJ MB THE FUCKER. Recently I saw a couple of pictures of him and for some reason he irritated the hell out of me. I did not understand why at first but then I realized why. DJ MB THE FUCKER is an old man trying to remain young but failing miserably.

The fact is that there is something to be said for aging with grace and looking dignified. This guy reminds me of a seventy something old guy that used to wear Ed Hardy clothes to the clubs and dance all night. I can respect a youthful spirit and I encourage it I just find it hard to respect a fool that looks like an idiot, stuffed inside a moron, stuffed inside a used douchebag. Oh wow this man is like the turducken.

My advice to this old idiot is simple and comes from a good place. I suggest you allow younger people to flourish and retire. I think you should focus on eating penny candy and drinking ensure in order to regulate your bowel functions. Please get dome argile socks and read a book by the fire you old stinking fucker. The last thing I advise for you is to please learn to order from the low salts menu as I hear salt at your advanced age can be deadly.

WHY DEALERS ARE SO FUCKING PATHETIC

There is nothing in this world more pathetic to me than a drug dealer. To me a drug dealer is the lowest form of life second only to pedophiles. I write this because I can and I feel like it. It's your choice to stop reading now or continue on. Frankly I hate the "player" wannabe idiots in the drug trade because truthfully their ignorance is beyond reproach.

Let me start with an experience I had in the bathroom of a very nice rooftop club. I was in the bathroom and as I got to the sink to wash my hands I saw this kid who seemed well to do trying to deal a little something to another patron because his tab was more than he could afford. I am glad I was not drunk because I would have likely laughed out loud at the pitiful situation. I left the bathroom quickly and decided to turn a blind eye because frankly I am no one's savior.

To me these little street shit punks that think they are special and tough are a joke. I myself do not come from the street nor do I pretend to have gangster credibility but frankly I don't need it. The truth of the matter is it does not matter who you are or the level you are in you will get caught. Pablo Escobar the glorified errand boy of the Ochoa Family went like a ton of bricks on an incline and he actually declared war on the government of Colombia and built his own prison. The fact is that the gaudy watches and chains mean very little when you are headed nowhere rapidly.

I hate to hear the bullshit about "I had no other choice" when you see how many people come from the worst environments and go on to successful and productive lives.  There is a choice between being practical and a good person and being a total idiot. Unfortunately the glorification of gangster figures in film has not helped the problem as there are millions of Tony Montana wannabes in this country alone.

The fact is that people create and glorify ideals that don't have room in society but nevertheless are jammed in anyway. Yes there are issues like environment, personality, behavior, and psychological profiles but none of that changes the fact that drug dealers and the people around them are simply pathetic.

DON'T TALK PAST YOUR PRIME

I love when people that are clearly past their prime decide that they want to start writing about themselves as if they are something special. I can understand the whole concept of good self esteem but there is something to be said for being borderline ridiculous on top of being happy about having been "special" during some point in your life.

Example 1: A middle aged woman out of shape walks into a bar and she starts talking to every young douche lion in the place to see who will take her home to experiment with a BBW milf. The middle aged gun slinger posts her conquest on her social medium of preference and talks of herself in the third person. The Lady says " The kitten scratches hard all over the place blah, blah, blah."

Example 2: A middle aged man walks into a bar and starts a conversation with a young girl. The girl ignores him and he moves on to the next then the next until a guy stops him from talking to his girlfriend in the worst way. The man says that he destroyed some young girls nether region and made her beg for more love.

The bottom line is that it's okay to feel young, act young, and know how to live life. There is something to be said for being a complete idiot that goes beyond youthful into ridiculous. So please remember that you should not talk past your prime.