I WILL SLAP A NUN IN THE MOUTH

Did my tittle get your attention? I'm glad to know that you are easily shocked. I would never hit a nun in the mouth but the thought did cross my mind once. If you are wondering why, it's because a bitch nun hit me once when I was in fifth grade. I have such a vivid memory from that day, I will never forget it, in a way it was my first experience with a dominant female. Okay I know that sounds weird so let me step back for a second.

The nun, who shall remain nameless, was a huge bitch and by huge I mean she looked to be well over six feet tall. I knew this nun was the biggest, baddest man in Santa Monica Academy, located in Puerto Rico. The bitch was crazy and angry, an angry nun is a dangerous nun.

This particular nun had a look of disgust that was so damn horrible. I remember one day I was running to class and felt the power of her nearly demonic gaze stop me in my tracks. I often wondered if this woman was raised by coyotes in the forrest after her mother placed her in a cage and threw her out the circus truck's bed. I realized that it was impossible for coyotes to have raised her because, as I understood it, there were no coyotes in Puerto Rico. This woman was a force of evil that had risen from the depths of the Vatican. I knew my theory was off because the Vatican is located in Rome and the woman was Puerto Rican. I felt that an impending confrontation with this testosterone powered penguin was inevitable. One day my worst fears became a horrid reality, a reality I would not soon forget.

The nun, or Sister Adalwulf as I refer to her, chose her spot correctly. I did not want to go to service one day and that bitch sought me out. I was quick and ran through the corridors of Santa Monica, I knew I could ill afford to be caught by her. I ran to my classroom and could hear her big manly feet slowly plodding toward my location, it was like hearing my doom come near.

I hid behind a desk but to no avail as my young, very hot, female teacher had to point me out. I saw the sadness in Ms. Martinez, her porcelain like skin quivered as she understood that this form of betrayal destroyed any possible future hot for teacher encounters. The devil had caught up to me and it looked to give me a serious ass whooping. The sister dragged me with her manly strength and hit me twice with a ruler and referred to me as a heretic that needed to be exorcised.

I later moved to Florida but I never forgot my cup of coffee with the flames of hell. I was later told that the bitch was still alive. I am not surprised she is still alive since she is only 58 which,by Geraldo's count, is the new 38. My point is, I hate that stinking sack of crap and if nothing else I hope that she is slapped by the, god bless her.

THE PAPAL ELECTIONS

The two front runners for the vacant papacy are Archbishop Scola and Archbishop Odilo Scherer. When the white smoke goes up it will mean that one of these two men will have won the popularity contest that will determine who shall emerge as the next great leader of the Catholic Church. It's clear that both these men are in far better shape than Benedict was and that they are likely going to make a papal calendar otherwise known as The Papal Pimp: 12 months. I wonder if the papal candidates have ever thought of having some sort of campaign. Vatican City is not so big that they can't do something to sway the vote their way.

I think it would be fantastic to see them make speeches about miracles, kissing babies, and putting signs up on lawns. Can you imagine the slogans? I can imagine Scola's big sign for the die hard Scholastic:

Scola will in fact be the cure for the Cura as he does believe in serious sweeping reform. There is also Scherer who is from the sexy Sao Paulo which is full of beautiful women and Samba. I can Imagine what his sign will look like:

Scherer will samba for your soul and into your soul as he will follow a lot of the steps of Pope John Paul II. I can imagine the intrigue, hidden agendas, special papal interests, weir and secretive priestly politics. I think it would be awesome to cover a papal election. I wonder how they go about it now? I know about the black smoke and white smoke thing but I wonder if they have lunch breaks, watch sexy movies on Cinemax and talk about sports. 

Perhaps I am starting to develop a jaded nature as far as the catholic church. I don't think I can be blamed for not taking the church or it's leaders seriously when the very political, hypocritical, and self righteous human natures of these all too powerful figures have polluted the idea of a spiritual relation that serves as a purifying agent for the soul. 

IF YOU GET SANCTIMONIOUS I WILL STEP ON YOUR SOUL

I have always respected the right of individuals to chose their own spiritual paths. To me it doesn't matter if you are a devout christian, a muslim, an atheist, or an agnostic who does not fully comprehend the meaning of that particular word. The fact is we are members of a society where it is our right to chose what we believe in. I do draw the line when those beliefs cross a spot labeled "DANGER."

I am sure by this point you are wondering what that spot may be. I will take this time to explain that particular spot in some detail. I do not really respect the right of a person to assume that they can sit on a moral high ground on the basis of their own spiritual beliefs. The fact of the matter is that if I chose to eat artery clogging meats and you love to eat vegetables it does not mean you are apt to judge me.

People have to nasty habit of thinking that once they open up some sort of "holy" book and begin reading it like a trained parrot they are suddenly exempt of past stupidity and actions. It seems like people that discover their own fancy, especially those that "find" God, really love to talk and point holly fingers. I want to make a plea for the sake of those beings, do not make that mistake.

While we live in this wonderful society of spiritual freedom we also live in a society where it is my right to tell you what I think and in the process crush the core of your soul if necessary. My thing is this, I will listen to you while at the same time formulating an eloquent way to crush your argument and make you question yourself. A former prostitute or whore monger can quote the bible from cover to cover and I can quote life's reality.

I personally can question the creation and record keeping practices that made the bible the "book of record." I think that it's a valid question to ask " How was this record kept and compiled over a period of nearly 2000 years?" I am not revealing anything about my own beliefs but I am making the point that no one likes being given unrequested and unnecessary sermons . I think it's a sad thing that sermons, advice, and judgement all come from absolution of personal torment.

The fact is that we all have flaws in this world. To quote the great Lance Armstrong " I am a flawed character." I will conclude by stating that while I am flawed I am also honest enough and smart enough to see through thin veils and tear them up like a vicious cat attempting to wrangle a mouse.

I DID NOT KNOW GOD WAS LOST

I am a person that prides himself in respecting the beliefs of others. I have written about religion before not to get attention but to offer perspective. I believe that what people chose in order to fill a void or for that matter re-start their lives is personal and if it has a positive effect it's also admirable. I do dislike it when those very same people sit from a sanctimonious position in judgement of others.

I love people that state that they "found" God or for that matter "discovered" Jesus. Those kind of statements really make little to no sense at all. I am pretty sure that God was never lost and that a lot of people are keenly aware of the existence of Jesus. Finding or discovering a new way to worship and in turn provide others with that "knowledge" is respectable until it crosses the line from friendly banter to judgmental bullshit.

I will always be respectful of others and what they believe because it's who I am. I will always hold my own believes close to the vest and privately because I consider that my right. In the end I will applaud those that try to make a difference but I will always challenge those who allow ignorance to permeate the fabric of personal space.