THE MARIJUANA DEBATE

I read an article in the news about the debate over the legalization of marijuana. Various states including Florida are going through the many battles, and considering the avenues, when it comes to legalizing marijuana. Marijuana has often times been called a "gateway" drug that will only open the doors to further experimentation. I think that a person's behaviors and attitudes are really what determine if marijuana is something that they should try or not. I'd like to point out a few things with regards to people's view on marijuana:

1) Every individual reacts differently to it.

2) There are different grades.

3) Marijuana is not necessarily a hallucinogenic drug.

4) I never heard of someone dying of a marijuana over dose.

5) It's a college campus standard.

6) Some people use it to treat complex medical conditions and also mental illness that stems chiefly from chemical imbalances.

I am sure you are thinking that I partake, I don't. I do actually read and research when it comes to maters of this nature. Marijuana use can be controlled if confined to certain areas. In Amsterdam, cafes are mostly for the purpose of smoking, playing pool, and eating chips. There are rarely any instances of people smoking in the street in Amsterdam. If legislature is passed it should definitely include a provision that prohibits users from driving while smoking, or while under of the effects of a joint. I think that, like anything, this is something that can be done if the laws are applied correctly. Over doing it on the smoking is something that affects the user and the user only, provided it's being used in the privacy of one's own home.

This debate will rage on longer but considering how many worst things are out there, I think it will likely die down and pass sometime in the future.

TOP 10 OCCUPATIONS FOR ALEC BALDWIN

Given Alec Baldwin's propensity for outbursts I have decided to compile a top ten list of possible occupations in no specific order. The following are Alec's possible jobs if ever his career fizzles out:

1. Police officer, because we all need a tough ass cop with a heart of gold.
2. Child care specialist, because we all need someone to wrangle the the little fuckers.
3. Priest, so he can whip it out in front of those dirty horrible pedophiles.
4. Dog walker because someone's got to do it.
5. Psychologist, let's face it the name man has a touch.
6. First female President because he has more hormonal shifts than Madeline Albright.
7. Communist Party Organizer.
8. City Planner.
9. Administrative assistant for an accountant.
10. Certified Financial Planner. 

I like Alec Baldwin but he needs to calm the fuck down or he will have a massive stroke coupled with a heart attack.

YA'LL, IT'S PAULA DEEN

I've been following the Paula Deen controversy because it's funny to me. Paula Deen is like that secretly evil grandmother that will mentally abuse a kid in a dark basement. I think that what's going on with her has gone too far. If your blood pressure is on the rise, please relax there's no reason to panic. I don't agree with the use of the N word in any way, shape or form. I do think that people acting surprised about is kind of ridiculous. Paula Deen is a Southern woman that grew up when segregation was legal. Why is everyone so freaking surprised?

America may have outgrown Jim Crow, but not every American outgrew Jim Crow. there are many racist individuals out there. I'm not saying that Paula Deen is a racist but if she were, it wouldn't shock me. The problem with this whole situation is that people veil who they really are and when something comes out  with regards to their true nature it shocks the world. I have news for everyone, racism is real and very much alive.

Im not really interested in Paula Deen's cooking, her shows, or her life. The fact is that she is probably a n evil bitch that slathers her husband in butter for some sort of weird sex ritual that she learned with Uncle Feely Joe. Perhaps Paula Deen is wonderful and really isn't a racist, I don't really care either way. I think everyone needs to find a worthy story to devote themselves to because honestly this is too much.

COOK WITH BUTTER YA'LL

HERNANDEZ, HUBRIS AND STUPIDITY MAY WELL BE LINKED

So for the last few days I have bee looking at various news reports regarding former star tight end Aaron Hernandez. To be totally honest I don't really give a shit about this guy but I will say this, he seems like a jackass in every way. A guy that has it all, including a promising career should never find himself in the kind of situation he is in. Even though Hernandez is innocent until proven guilty, he looks more and more like a guy that did something wrong. Let's assume Hernandez is not guilty of what he is suspected of having done.

Hernandez is not facing illegal dog fighting charges, we are talking about murder. This moron destroyed his career and right now there's a chance that he may be connected to another murder case. If you are even just a person of interest in a murder case, you are hanging with a bad crowd. This guy is a pric that thought way to much of himself. If Hernandez was in any way involved in a murder, he certainly had a major case of hubris.

Some athletes think they are untouchable once they hit big money. If you look at OJ, you have an example of a guy that had a break and was so stupid that he fucked it up over memorabilia. Whatever happens here, Hernandez will be the big loser all the way around, a promising career dashed, along with his actual life in every respect. From my end I say, way to go you stupid fuck.

THE STORY OF THE BIG FAT CAT

There was once a big fat cat that started life as a little kitten. The kitten was quiet, often afraid and alone in the world. As the kitten grew he became angry and chose to become a user of other cats. As he embraced cat manhood he started to put together a business, the business was Casa de Los Gatos. The cat married and had little kittens, but he did not know real love.

While his wife was dedicating herself to him, he trapped her in the golden liter box and forced her to witness his lust for female kitty cats. He often paid cat mothers to sell their virgin daughters to him. The cat sex was often to intense since he had a cat penis implant. This fat cat was not a good cat, his suffering as a kitten did not teach him a lesson. Ultimately the fat cat's wife died and while he continued to spray his disgusting cat sperm everywhere, his children destroyed the Casa De Los Gatos. 

The cat would live on, unhappy and unable to forget the evil he had spread over the years. This cat had allowed his money to become a vehicle for evil and hatred. One day when he was alone and hallucinating he had a visitor, the visitor was death. The cat and death spoke and the conversation was disturbing.

CAT: Death?

DEATH: Yes.

CAT: Have you come for me?

DEATH: No.

CAT: Why not?

DEATH: You hurt many.

CAT: Who?

DEATH: You know who.

CAT: When will I die?

DEATH: A decision for the cosmos.

CAT: So?

DEATH: You will suffer.

CAT: Why?

DEATH: Time is the worst punishment.

CAT: So?

DEATH: You will live to let your mind make you suffer, until you can suffer no more. I will take my leave.

CAT: Please take me, please.

The cat lived on for may more years and as he continued to remember all the damage he did, he suffered more and more. The cat's children would die as would his beloved business. The cat would grow older and older and die slowly. The lesson here is that no matter what, or who you are in life, you don't have the right to make others suffer.

HAVING AN OPINION

I have wondered often if having an opinion is a bad thing. I don't offer it unrequested and I try to listen to others offer their point of view. I don't particularly care to impress people and shut their mouths, that's a stupid attitude. I do think having an opinion is not a bad thing but being an asshole about it really is. Often times people's opinions are a reflection of their own, miserable, nature.

I love people that say their nature is to give opinions, it usually means they want to have some attention. There is a difference between having an opinion and being an opinionated asshole. The opinionated asshole is the kind of person that no one likes or wants to sit near. I hate people that are opinionated because they are never wrong, according to themselves.

Either way, right or wrong, an opinion is like an asshole in the sense that everyone has one. Those people that have a loud and large asshole are the ones we just hate to love. This is the point where I say goodbye because honestly I grow bored with the topic of human nature.

MADIBA

Chances are likely that the 94 year old former President of South Africa Nelson Mandela will not survive much longer. It's been reported that he can no longer breathe without assistance and more than likely his family will have to make a decision. Mandela is in critical condition even though he shows some signs of improvement.

I think it's admirable that Mandela is still showing a warrior spirit at his age and in a twilight period of his life. Mandela served 27 years in prison for fighting oppression from a minority rule. Mandela, a successful attorney, could have walked away and done something else but chose not to. Nelson Mandela is the kind of person that you may not agree with often, but you must respect him.

There will likely never be another individual that's willing to give up as much in his life and still fight on. Nelson Mandela is proving, even today, why he was designed to be great. If racism has taken a back seat and the ridiculous idea of separation is no longer a nasty reality we have to deal with, we owe it in part to him. Mandela is all but gone, but he merits respect and admiration even from history marks that think they know everything. Go on Madiba, raise your hand one last time and show us what a real winner looks like.

HERE'S A LESSON KIDS, DON'T PISS OFF A GORILLA

I learned early on in my life that it wasn't smart to piss off any animal. Having grown up appreciating animals I understood that all creatures merited respect. I always also understood that it wasn't smart to try and pick on animals in enclosures because enclosures meant that the animal inside could rip you a new one. To me an animal in an enclosure was a majestic site to respect and behold. I can't tell you how funny it is to read what I read in the news.

I guess some kids were mocking a gorilla in a Dallas zoo when suddenly the gorilla scared the little fuckers into nearly peeing their pants. I have to say I am very happy to hear that the gorilla scared the little miscreants into unison silence. I am sure this gorilla was using his quiet and Gorilla Grodd intellect in order to show the bastards a lesson. The lesson is simple, don't piss off an animal that will literally turn you into a rag doll for its own entertainment.

I remember this older gentleman by the name of Don Carlos. When I was a kid this older gentleman had a house full of exotic animals from chimps, to tigers and so on. One day I think one of his animals, the tiger, almost turned my brother into a kebab for no real reason. When a wild animal decides it's going to get you then you better fucking hope you didn't piss it off so it will let you go sooner. A big thumbs up to the gorilla though, those kids were a bunch of fucks.

WHY I LOVE SHARKS

You ever wonder what a shark is thinking? You ever wonder what a shark is thinking when it chomps down on a person's leg? I wonder sometimes about the shark thought process and it fascinates me. I think sharks are a great example of independent thought. A shark is not taken in by shiny objects in the water, in fact a shark will destroy a cage in order to get the meaty substance inside. At times sharks get really close to the shore and decide to go ahead and get some ass.

Sure sharks are not quite as bad as they were made to look in Jaws but they are still pretty badass. A shark will literally demolish a person, slowly but surely. Sharks are like nature's warning against sticking a butter knife inside an energy receptacle. Sharks will always teach you a valuable lesson in life, the lesson is not to stick your ass and hands out all the way. Sharks are not docile and they come around with bad intent. The great thing about sharks is that they are not a good delicacy, proving that they are not in this world to please us.

I once went to a restaurant in Old San Juan that served Tapas, it was called El Picoteo. I remember that I ordered these shark meat bites and split them with my cousin. Everything in the restaurant was amazing but the bites were rough and hard to eat. The point I am trying to make with this is that it's obvious sharks are not meant to be eaten. I love sharks because they just don't take shit, they don't give a shit, and they will give you all sorts of shit. I raise my glass to the shark, a badass that will eat your ass.

YOU MISS ME? LET'S GET TO STIRRING THE POT

Hello true believers my name is not Stan Lee. I am writing this entry because as I sit and listen to the radio it's nearly impossible to go a minute without hearing something about George Zimmerman. I like to think of George Zimmerman as the hero of the unbelievably ignorant. I don't know what happened that day he killed Trayvon Martin, but I know what could have been avoided. Let's forget about the stand your ground bullshit for about three seconds and let's apply the common sense law.

Common sense dictates that if someone tells you not to follow, let alone engage, someone you suspect may be an assailant then you don't do it. The doughboy broke that key rule and decided to follow a kid, and why? I guess the kid's hoodie was incredibly threatening. The fact is that Zimmerman was like the Seth Rogen character in that movie that I can't quite remember, the main character was a disturbed mall cop.

What it boils down to is a fucking imbecile, self appointed neighborhood watch captain that just happened to be a police force reject, wanted to be a hero. This is the kind of fucking idiot that's allowed to carry a gun. Anyone that tells me that this guy was right to do what he did is as stupid as this idiot. Did Trayvon  Martin break into a house? Were other people afraid of Trayvon and calling on Sergeant Puffy Cheeks to save them? Are skittles considered a weapon of some sort? I'm sure that 911 call where the neighbor gave a play by play of Trayvon begging for his life is an clear indication that this fat fuck could have just as easily walked away.

This guy has to pay for his crime and his crime was taking a life. Let's take race out of the equation for a second, even though he was heard saying the N word on a 911 call, the one where he was told not to follow Trayvon. If you are not an officer of the law and you are not being immediately threatened, you have no business following someone you suspect. This guy did what he did after he was told that he should not follow the kid. This whole thing could have been avoided if he would have listened to what he was told. If this guy gets out on some technicality it will prove that ignorance and stupidity are definitely a disease for the masses.

WHAT'S WITH THE DEAD CELEBRITY HOAX CRAP?

I rarely pay attention to articles about people dying anymore because it's really only true when it's something you see coming. You are probably wondering what I mean, every week it seems like we hear of a celebrity dying. Sometime back we heard of Morgan Freeman dying, Adam Sandler, Bindi Irwin, and Mickey Rourke. Every major celebrity seems to have died some sort of odd and unexpected death at some point or another. I wonder what the hell the fascination is with saying someone is dead.

When I was growing up I remember people's deaths not really being a subject of jubilation and happiness. I am surprised that with the evolution of technology death has become a cool subject to laugh about. I remember how people would react to rumors of the demise of a celebrity, not cool usually. While I am not a celebrity monger that chases after autographs, I am not really down with the let's guess who died today thing.

I think society's fascination with constantly killing off celebrities is a clear example of the fact that entertainment is not quite what it used to be. As a result of a deficiency in today's entertainment I guess people are making their own with death, disease, and unnecessarily tacky rumor spreading. At the end of the day I guess it's all a part of the sort of medium we have access to in the net, makes anything a feasible truth.

WHEN YOU'RE SMILING...........

I've hear it said that when you're smiling the whole world smiles with you. In the same breath I have also heard it said that when you cry, you cry alone. I think all of that's a relative load of bullshit. I feel this way because the truth is that when you smile some asshole will want to wipe the smile off your face. When you cry you usually have a group of glad handed fuckers trying desperately to find out what happened so they have something to talk about.

My take is simple, smile because you wish to and feel it, cry in silence and never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing everything about you.

THE POINT IS?

The latest headlines about Erin Brockovich have her DWI on her boat. I really don't give a rat's ass about this for several reasons. I am sure you are wondering why I am taking the time to blog about it, truth is I am bored. I think that while Brockovich is someone whose achievements are no small matter, she is still a human being. The fact that this headline about her has trended like it has only means one thing, society loves to tear down what it builds.

Some time ago Erin Brockovich's efforts and accomplishment reached near mythical levels after the release of her biopic starring Julia Roberts. From that point in 2000 on, Erin Brockovich has really stood out as one of the good guys in the fight for a better tomorrow. So now everyone is obviously eagerly reading this headline and more than likely pointing a finger at her.

My question is simple " What's the point?" I don't condone her actions, but if she wants to engage in self destructive behavior, it's her problem. It's not up to us to judge others nor is it up to us to bring them down. If a tragedy were to have taken place chances are that Ms. Brockovich would likely have paid a steep price. I think it's sad that someone who crusades for people would behave in such a ridiculous and reckless manner but flaws, and the general imperfection of human nature, usually lead us to these kinds of mistakes.

Hopefully Erin Brockovich will learn her lesson and stop herself from getting on the party boat next time.

IS SAVING A BEER REALLY WORTH IT?

A man by the name of Ata Yousef El Ammouri is facing murder charges for a 34 year old crime. This man shot and killed a shoplifter, over a beer. This man is 65 years old and appears to be a normal fellow except for the fat that he killed somebody. So my question is " Was saving the beer worth your life?" The man was arrested and I guess he was trying to attend his grandson's graduation. To shoot in self defense is one thing but to do so over a beer is a whole different case altogether.

Chances are that the man that was shot was probably an asshole bully but it isn't up to someone to determine if that asshole bully should live or die. Unfortunately for the man he will likely do a significant amount of jail time, unless he has a great attorney. I have to say one thing, people in that type of retail should really know a little bit more about common sense.

No article of food, drink, clothing or whatever is worth a person's life. You can lose your life if you fight a robber and you can also lose your life if you decide to take a life in a split second. What I think will hurt this man is the fact that he fled the country after he committed the crime. It's likely this man would have done some significant jail time but maybe he would have been able to put this behind him ten years ago instead of living with it for so long.

STAR WARS EPISODE 7: THE RETURN OF GERIATRIC JEDIS FROM THE HOME IN ENDOR

The rumor mill for the latest Star Wars film have taken off. Everyone feels that JJ Abrams will be able to refresh the story telling in the latest film and make it a new flavor. I think it's great that everyone is this exited about the new series but there are a few things that concern me. They are talking bringing back Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher for the latest film.

I can see Harrison Ford accounting well for himself but Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have not done anything on that level in years. While this would be a sort of career resurrection for the two of them, what will it do for the series? I think that the level of buzz surrounding this latest episode will surely generate a record first week, the story itself will likely be suspect.

The Star Wars universe has countless stories to chose from, many of those stories are centered around characters that would otherwise be seen as lees substantial, characters like the members of the Emperor's Royal Guard. I am a huge fan of the series and the original stars but I think that for them to really sell their portion of the story it will take a whole hell of a lot.

THAT'S A COOL KID

Neha Ramu Sorbiton is a 13 year old girl with a 162 IQ. I saw the story on her and frankly what stuck out to me was not her way beyond average intelligence. Neha refered to herself as someone that's studious and not necessarily clever. It's obvious this girl is very grounded and has a great upbringing. Many people have mentioned her name in the same breath as Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking in the articles about her.

I was floored to hear that Neha doesn't feel it's fair or right for her to be put in the same category as Einstein and Hawking given the fact that she has not really accomplished anything. I think it's wonderful to see that children can have immense talent and still be allowed the opportunity to be normal. It seems like her mother is more of a support system than anything else.

Often times parents live through their children and push them to do what they never could in their youth. That kind of behavior creates arrogance, rebellion and a sense of inhibition that can kill kids. This girl is an example, at least on paper, of the total opposite and her attitude reveals someone whose life will be both productive and balanced.

Good luck to her!

MANDELA

When you are a 9 year old kid whatever history you know is usually limited to what you are taught in school or random places. The first time I heard of Nelson Mandela was after I saw the mini series about his life. Sometime later, about two years, I witnessed a landmark moment in world history. In 1990 Nelson Mandela was released after serving 27 years in prison. What I found interesting about his release was the kind of response that it brought.

I began to really understand the greatness of this man in terms of what he meant by the number of people and their reactions. I watched my parents and they both cried tears of joy. Mandela was 72 years of age upon his release and looked like a man that was tired but willing to fight. Mandela wore a gray suit with a red tie and his hair was white. Mandela was the man that went to prison for trying to do away with apartheid. During his period of incarceration Mandela went from being a rumored terrorist to a legend.

Mandela's struggle was against an unfair minority rule that often times reserved high privilege for whites while oppressing the minority. Figures like Peter Biko emerged during the struggle but perished, while Mandela endured until finally he would make history again. In 1994 Mandela would be elected President at age 75. Mandela's election would be a sign that the climate was changing in South Africa.

I remember being a 14 year old kid and following that election thing that at his age Mandela would have a hard time winning, the ignorance of youth. While Mandela would remain a polarizing figure he would often times ruffle feathers on the world stage be being honest and unapologetic. Today Mandela is in a hospital at age 94 and in serious condition. Mandela could die or he could live to be 100. In the end nothing will change the fact that he was the type of figure that comes around once in a lifetime. There will never be another one like him and because of his sacrifices not many, if any, will have to endure what he did.

THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FREE SPEECH AND FUCKING STUPIDITY

I've been following the story of Cameron D'Ambrosio and frankly the whole thing reeks of total shit to me. His arrest sparked an outrage amongst activists for free speech. I believe whole heartedly in free speech. I am a firm believer that free speech is the single right that most symbolizes true American value. I will say that there is an enormous difference between properly using your right to free speech and acting like a total moron.

D'Ambrosio was arrested for posting some lyrics to a rap song that made reference to the Boston bombing. This nimrod basically came off like a terrorist in the making and as a result he was arrested. What bothers me about this is the debate that it sparked. A multitude of rights activists began to cry foul about this moron's rights being violated. Do activists not understand that speech referring to terrorism, or even implying it, is not really something to joke about?  We live in a world were lines were blurred after 9/11. Yes we need to preserve the values that make the US great but caution doesn't hurt.

At first glance this kid looks like a fucking idiot and considering he probably lacks rhythm and talent I am sure he is a less than stellar rapper. I still think that he got what he deserved because terrorism is nothing to really joke about or use for artistic expression. While a few, not all, rappers glorify crime, mistreatment of women, and generally violent behavior, I have yet to hear one talk about committing a terrorist act.

I am not a fan of rap so I can't be cited as an authority and I am not saying that whatever violence, drugs, and abusive behavior mentioned in few rap tracks are any better than terrorism. I do think this moron should have measured his words carefully. There is a point to free speech and that point is often times to open up healthy debates on differing opinions. People use free speech to, for example, talk about religion and atheism or politics and how they more often than not impede progress rather than encourage it.

One of the articles that I read talks about this kid like he is some sort of Larry Flynt figure where free speech is concerned. This punk is not a free speech warrior, he is not a great rapper, this kid is a loudmouth nobody. The reason why the punk is getting attention is because he used a magic word and got more attention than he deserved as a result. Supposedly this jackass could have gotten up to twenty years in prison. The only thing I will say is that the punishment of sending him to a jail for twenty years, or close to it, was too much. Once his background was checked I would have fined him and had him clean toilets in public bathrooms for a year.

Let's assume for a second the kid was a terrorist and he actually was preparing to commit an act of violence, would free speech crusaders be so pissed off then? Let's not defend freedom without first being objective. Just like we want to know why we go to foreign lands to fight wars that don't necessarily have a reason for being, let's also try to understand why people are put in a position where they are singled out and looked at as threats. Terrorism no longer has color, a face, or even a religious preference and we are no longer living in a time where we know whom we can and cannot trust. It's all an unfortunate reality we are now living and have been a part of for over a decade.  

SOY SAUCE? WHAT THE FUCK?

Some idiot kid fell into a coma after ingesting a quart of soy sauce. I think this is a clear example of how stupidity has really evolved into a plague worst than aids. The amount of salt in a quart of soy sauce is lethal when ingested all at once. My question is why did this jackass even do that in the first place? I guess it was because his friends told him to do so.

This kind of reminds me of the triple dog dare scene from Christmas Story but the difference is that this idiot was likely single dog dared instead of triple dared. The guy was in a coma for three days before waking up. According to multiple sources it took five hours to get the moron's sodium levels back to normal.

I would be interested in finding out what this nimrod dreamt about. I think it's fair to assume he was in a world where he was endlessly violated by the wasabi monster, in the poop shoot. If we were talking about a drug addict making a desperate mistake in despair, an alcoholic, or some troubled soul but this was someone that must have had some ability for rational thought.

I can't help but laugh at this kid because honestly speaking the moron did it on purpose. Let this serve as a lesson to all jackasses looking to make themselves look big. Until next time, may the salt shrink your ding a ling.

BDO

The head of the unknown BDO records is in problems with the law for stealing over 100,000 dollars from women and not paying them back. To me this kind of a funny and sad situation at the same time. I think it's sad that so many people are willing to pay for attention and funny that they fall for the biggest imbecile in the history of the world.

This guy looked like a slimy fuck with a serious player complex. This guy was a total slime ball full of shit and somehow he got over 100,000 dollars because he was saying the right things to the right people. I hope this fucker gets a lovely rain of shit all over his greasy, douchebag head.

IT'S OKAY TO BE A HAPPY PROSTITUTE

I read this article about a happy hooker add being pulled in Brazil due to severe backlash. I guess the add was put up by the health ministry in order to promote safe sex among sex professionals and take some of the stigma away from the sexual satisfaction profession. I think part of the problem is that they chose some fairly ugly hookers and given the many sexy women Brazil has to offer.

I understand that prostitution is the oldest profession and I also understand that the health ministry was trying desperately to promote safety, but selling sex is still frowned upon, safe or not. Prostitution takes emotion away from sex and makes it into a service for cash exchange. There is no way that any country, with legalized prostitution, will ever take that stigma away from prostitution. While the whole service for cash exchange works for some, you can't expect everyone to see it as something noble.

People will always look down on prostitution as a desperate escape or an erroneous choice. I admire the attempt but the execution by the health ministry does come off as a general acceptance and glorification of prostitution. I do still think that it's okay to be a happy hooker because life is too short to be a sad hooker.

WHEN IS IT TOO MUCH WITH THE SURGERY?

I am not really an authority on plastic surgery but I do know that there is such a thing as going too far. Plastic surgery is good when you consider what it does for a person's confidence, aging is a serious pain in the ass. During the process of aging people lose faculties, youth and sometimes the will to live. The truth about youth is that it's life's greatest gift. As we age we gain enough wisdom to understand that youth should not be wasted at all.

When we realize we have squandered that gift of youth we tend to wish we had it again. Plastic surgery is that one invention that we want to use to reverse time. In the process of reversing time we tend to forget that those little bits and pieces of skin can be put together in the wrong manner. When a plastic surgery procedure is done wrong you have someone that looks a lot like an alligator confused by life in general.

I won't knock surgery or wanting to look young, but I have no sorrow for people that over do it and end up looking like monsters. There are more than a few surgeons that have no idea what they are doing and usually they tend to charge low because they do shit work. The fact is that plastic surgery doesn't turn out well for everyone and it's something that people should think about twice. If you don't think that plastic surgery works for everyone, look at Pete Burns and tell me it works for everyone.

The guy that used to spin you around like a record looks like the lady that stole your lunch money. Some surgery is too much and frankly few people fail to understand that. I don't like that look but that's not my call and frankly it's not something I care about. The only thing I will say is that when people go that far they end up looking like shit, which is when you know it's too much.

KARMA, I GUESS

I am not an authority on spirituality, in fact I am far from a knowledgeable source on the topic. I do like karma a lot as far as spirituality is concerned. My reason for liking it is as simple as the definition of karma itself. Karma is that universal law that pretty much returns whatever you have given out, good or bad. To me karma is like a very real force that keeps you from being a total asshole. If you fuck up, or fuck someone up, karma takes care of it. I like the simplicity of knowing that I don't have to lift a finger for someone to pay for their shit behavior. I don't expect karma, I don't see it, it just happens on its own sooner or later. The whole point here is that you need to remember nothing in life is absolute, life is a cyclical proposition. Karma is life's spin cycle and if you mess up it will rock your ass in ways you never thought possible if you decide to act as a downdraft to others.

THAT TIME I WANTED TO PRODUCE PHAT BEATS

I have always loved music but I know my limitations in so far as making phat beats. I think it takes more than four months of training and the love of shiny clothing to be a phat beats producer extraordinaire. I wanted to test my theory by getting info on a program that offered four months of training for a nominal fee of nearly six thousand dollars. I started by submitting my name in the "name here" spot of the online questionnaire.

I made sure to explain my love of the phat beat online and once I did that, I patiently waited for a call. I decided to engage the person on the other line in a conversation where I spoke highly of acts like Boney M. I recall that the man I spoke to referred to himself as one of the top producers in town and a real strong hand in the business. I got the address to the studio and decided to go on and take the tour.

I began to wonder if this guy was as good as he told me or just someone who carried bags for guys like Ozzy and polished cars for The Thompson Twins and Kajagoogoo, back before Limahl had his breakout one hit wonder rebirth with Neverending Story. I somehow felt that this meeting was going to be a landmark event in my life. When I drove up I saw two solid doors and walked in, knowing that I would be shaken to the core of my very being.

I stepped into a studio that I am sure had been run by Phil Specter sometime in 1964. I saw a few gold records of some boy bands that were made primarily by a scheming fat man. The studio reeked of mothballs and it looked like it hadn't seen a broom or orgy in well over 25 years. I sensed that the equipment was not in tip top condition because the studio had lost its will to live sometime during the drug, sex, and rock n' roll fueled bicentennial of 76.' I realized the studio was like a time machine type place so my visit there made me one of the few individuals to engage in time travel.

I was no longer someone looking to make a phat beat, I was someone making grooves. The great producer showed up and he was a Gary Spivey look alike, except his hair was like a vomit color. The man wore a paisley shirt and had what appeared to be a sort of pencil drawn mustache. This man was not a phat beats maker, this man was a legend. I knew that he could teach me the ways of the Louisiana music Jedi, more commonly known as the Ledi. The meeting was brief but I knew that if I capture this man's mighty genius I would be set.

I would leave my spot in the past far too soon and would find myself disappointedly wondering why my trip had to end. Eventually, after about one minute, I realized that some people are full of shit, but they are intelligent enough to see a jackass a mile away. Music is a form of art that you don't just master in a matter of months or minutes, it takes years. I was told that you just need to know what sounds good in order to produce, bullshit. In order to make something great you have to know more than just one thing. We live in a world full of idiots but there are some that are smart enough to take advantage of others, which is why I can be a producer of phat beats in three easy steps.