When the Shit Hits the Fan (DUCK)

   I have always loved the expression "when the shit hits the fan" but the only mystery behind it is what do you do when said fecal matter hits aforementioned cooling device? I have thought about this not long or hard but thought of it nonetheless. Let us think of this in a different scenario so we may understand how it works. We will begin by assuming that a monkey has become angered and decided to prove a point. The monkey with all his intelligence and power proceeds to start flinging feces at an industrial fan. Given the strength and potency of said fan, the feces of certain powerful consistency manage to lodge themselves in the blade.
  It's obvious that you leave the room because the feces have simply caused a commotion by virtue of ill smell. I also believe that a lose crap flinging monkey is far more interesting anyway. So when the shit hits the fan you duck as a universal response to said issue. You duck simply because you don't know the fecal consistency or the fan strength so better safe than crapped on. Remember that when poop and fans are concerned you duck, no matter the situation. If the issue is a matter of everyday where the poop is a metaphor for a difficult situation you may face you should remember not to act like a jackass.

Why does anyone care?

I often wonder why some people create idols that don't really merit the attention. Every so called "A" lister that makes a living off reality television is given entirely too much credit. It seems to me that realistically we will give anyone attention provided they give us fodder. I think it's sick and stupid, I mean truthfully why do people talk about the curvy Kim Kardashian? I guess the answer is "we've seen her ass in action." So my question is does that make our society better?

There is a 10 million dollar wedding on television and everyone watches only to hear about the divorce 72 days later. Hooray for the institution of marriage looking like a meaningless marketing tool for the career of a talentless woman. As we watch and continue to talk about this meaningless crap kids are starving to death, women get beaten up by abusive men, women die of breast cancer because they can't afford the treatment. Hooray for spending 10 million dollars in some meaningless ceremony that did nothing to making the world a better place.

What really bothers me is the idea that this is the kind of thing that society is looking at but when the commercials featuring starving children comes on they change the channel because we have to check out the latest reality TV train wreck. Now everyone that claims to be a little more informed is looking at Herman Cain and the restaurant 69 policy he has been accused of (double entendre). I got news for the informed AIDS is still an issue, did you ever think about finding out how you can help quell that particular epidemic? I just thought i'd throw that out there. So why does anyone care? I think it's because there is this sick fascination with people of no substance. It's almost appealing to look at an AMTRAK wreck as it's taking place. It's sad but the good news is that society still has a chance and there's always a little hope no matter what the situation.

Does the revival of 80's fashion not seem stupid to anyone else?

I was looking at some pictures the other day of my 80's childhood. I was flipping through these pictures of myself as a stylish nine year old wearing my Benetton rugby shirt and my blue acid wash jeans with my high top Reeboks. I looked at that picture and saw my amazing spiked hair and my mac daddy swatch and I must say I looked pretty freaking cool. I observed the picture closely and objectively and I realized that this was a popular look 24 years ago. Very recently I realized that everyone wants to be 80's again. People that were born in the 90's want to be 80's because it's the latest "in" thing to do.

I want to just say I think that is the stupidest thing I have seen in a while. I also think this opens the possibility for a hybrid 70's and 60's fashion cross craze. I can only imagine the "Hippy Sex Machine" barefoot in a disco floor.  The whole idea behind everyone wearing the "Beat it" jacket with some loud ass laces on the Roos high tops is just annoying. Sure I think the 80's were great but whatever happen to the idea of moving on? I say everyone should work on creating functional jetpacks with Logan's Run style clothing. I want my flying car and my in home conveyor belt to make moving in my home less of a hassle. Oh wait, I think I am citing some 80's stuff here and mixing it with 70's stuff.

Yes I think that it's ok to be nostalgic to some extent but to bring something back from ages ago and call it new is just stupid, sad and stupid. I will make one plea though and that is to please bring back Rubik's snake, the toy for those consumers that did not understand nor appreciate the complexity of the Rubik's cube.

Top ten ways to become a reality star

I love to channel surf during my spare time. I see different celeb reality shows in every network. I think the whole idea of "creating" something worth watching is no longer one worth thinking up. I see previews for shows such as,The Jersey Shore, I am a Teenage Whore, 16 and Super Stupid, I did Drugs with a Celebrity and many many more. I have realized that there are ten things you can do in order to have a reality series on the air. I have taken the time to create this neat list.

1. Be a crazy whore with a drug problem.
2. Be a washed up celebrity with a drug problem.
3. Have a sex video and then tell everyone you were coerced, drugged, or did not intend to have it seen by the public.
4. Be willing to expose your way of life but have it made way worst for television.
5. Have some plastic surgery and become a huge jackass.
6. Be willing to do porn, regret it, become an addict and go to rehab.
7. Acuse someone of fathering your child and then turn the raising of said child into a reality series.
8. Have more than nine kids at once and then sue everyone.
9. Become a theatre hopeful and make a reality show about that, I am pretty sure it would be lame.
10. Date Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, or any easy celeb and then make shameful declarations in a tabloid. Once you are sued make sure you pitch the case as a possible first season of a show.

There are many more ways to do it but this is my top ten. If you are interested in a reality TV show try any of these little gems and see how they work for you.

Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend

Dogs are more often than not credited as being man's best friend and a factor in enjoying a slightly lengthier quality of life. Like every living dogs eventually find an expiration date. The problem with that expiration date is that we the owners have to make that decision. So how exactly do we say goodbye to an old friend?

I recently had to deal with the very difficult decision of putting my dog to sleep. The last few days I could tell she was in some real pain. Hip Dysplasia had affected my dog as well as an enormous loss of muscle mass in her hindquarters. I sat with my wife and son and discussed all the possibilities for our dog. At the end of a lengthy and tear filled discussion we realized that there were no options.

We made a decision to have our dog euthanized and made an appointment with the veterinarian. When the day came our old friend was weaker than ever but still willing to behave in the vet's office. Those last few minutes we were asked if we wanted to remain for the procedure and we answered yes. We witnessed our dog taking her last breaths and leaving for a better life. We took our time and petted her once more and said goodbye. When we walked out we realized we had made the right decision for our dog  as hard as it was. We were with our companion until the end and said goodbye the right way.

When whizzing on the electric fence shocks you badly

So this is my first "blog" and man do I feel like a hypocrite. My wife has been telling me for years that I must blog. I never really dug the term for multiple reasons. My first reason for looking down on "blog" is because it made me think of that movie "The Blob." I really thought it was a trendy thing to do and I try to avoid that. The next thing you know you are the next idiot carrying a large cup of coffee and European man bag or purse telling the world that you are going to blog prior to Zumba class. I am into exercise by the way but I do do enjoy saying Zumba. At this point I am sure you are wondering how in the hell does my rant relate to my tittle and my response is patience because I like the build up.

I liken my experience here as that of a person that likes to come near an electric fence and take a whizz. I have never done that but I am sure it isn't necessarily pleasant. I have taken the time to prepare a bulleted list as to why whizzing on the electric fence may be bad and even SHOCKING and here it is:

1. The smell of urine if you are dehydrated and in general is just awful
2. Electric fences have varying effects on a person or animal
3. High tensile wires look fun and you may try the light saber battle but I would not recommend it (reference the film Spaceballs or Star Wars)
4. You may not be able to procreate after whizzing action
5. You are liable to develop freaky powers

If you don't believe it google it or maybe consider the WIKI route because they are highly trained scientists working for the purpose of your edification. At any rate let me continue on because I am building up to a bombshell that is bigger than Nancy Grace's beautifully sculpted hindquarters planetarium.

I saw the blog as an electric fence that I would never come near or whizz on. I have better sense than to do something like that in an open field so it isn't like I would do that any way. Alas here I am in the blog and whizzing on the electric fence. I am SHOCKED because of it but I'll get over it sooner than I got over the breakup of my first relationship in third grade (Recess-Lunch). Sorry if you are disappointed with a great buildup but come on Nancy Grace's ass is just gold.