THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL 101

Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday when you are a guest, when you are the host the situation is a bit different. Often times you have to stress over the turkey, aunt June will bring her hideous casserole, and the kids will make a horrible mess on their new thanksgiving themed turkey sweaters. In short thanksgiving is a hosting nightmare. I will cover the following topics: 

• Television
• Air conditioning
• Health
• Cleanliness
• The house pet
• The desired end result

All of this advice comes from one thanksgiving I had back in 1989 where I witnessed the start of a small national conflict. I recall the gathering was being hosted at an unusual place by people in the family whom I was not so acquainted with. In the end there were headaches, lost dogs, and hurt feelings, bless the memories. I can remeber the battle that ensued when the dog got out during a discussion about the George Bush administration.

I have taken the liberty to go ahead and give you a few tips on how to survive hosting a thanksgiving dinner. The first tip is to make sure that you have two TV sets, a large one with football on and a smaller one with the parades for the elderly. My next piece of advice is to keep the air on because if you don't there's a good chance your home will turn into a sauna. I would advice keeping some aspirin handy in order to deal with the pulsating headaches that you'll get as a result of the arguments that are sure to erupt over politics and religion.

On the cleanliness end I would advice you to use themed paper plates and plastic utensils, it seems that the messes created in thanksgiving are something else and no one is likely to aid you in the task of cleaning up. I would also say, make sure that your pets are secured because with the constant opening and closing of the doors there is sure to be an opportunity for Rusty the curious Chihuahua to step out for a sabbatical of sorts.

My last piece of advice on how to survive hosting a thanksgiving dinner is not to lose track of the occasion and have fun. Thanksgiving is a day for family; it celebrates the idea of togetherness. Make sure you really give thanks for your elders, your dog, the cranberries, themed sweaters and horrible casserole; because you never know when that will all go away.

MY FIRST HOLIDAY REBELLION

When I was a child I was always relegated to the kid's table in thanksgiving. My aunt would throw a lavish dinner in her apartment on the beach. I remember that I was always given a table in the enclosed balcony. I did not mind sitting at that table because I had an amazing view of the beach. I did have a huge problem with the fact that my dinner consisted of pieces of the turkey that were picked out for me.

I remember clearly that I would get these slices of turkey, perfectly carved and fit for a cat. I always got more salad than I desired and a little skin. I assume that because I was a thin but long kid everyone thought I was not a big eater. I would examine this situation closely before making my move. I had to employ a daring approach that would require a little extra courage and guile. This was my year to make that statement and employ all the tactics I learned watching animated action cartoons.

I was seven years old and the year was 1986, I was going to make a move in order to make my presence felt. I decided to make a move on the fabled drumstick. I remember that particular drumstick was so big, at least to me. I was ready to show I was worthy of a move up from my table of solitude. I paced slowly as the adults spoke of subjects I knew nothing about.

I made a move behind a chair that was not pushed in all the way, and quickly turned and found myself under the table. I saw no legs so I made sure to make a strategic move toward the center, where the turkey sat. I moved to a chair near the turkey and finally made eye to, wait, I looked upon the turkey. I knew that the turkey would be a great challenge and I had to wing it, and quick. I grabbed the drumstick unnoticed and moved on.

When everyone looked at me I was saying a little prayer and toasting my sprite in triumph. Everyone looked in shock and awe, I amazed them all and the following year I would be a proud member of the adult table and allowed to choose my portion of the fabled gobbler. I would look at the kid's table in triumph and mentally hold it up as a sign of victory.

MY HOLIDAY TO DO LIST

I love the holidays and like everyone else I have still yet to do a lot of things that I want to do. I guess this is my bucket list of thing that I want to do on the holidays. I first want to stuff a turkey, I have always feared stuffing a turkey because I was told as a child that the turkey could come to life and as a result it could devour my arm in anger. Once I have conquered the turkey I will move on to what's next.

I want to make a Dorito casserole with various flavors such as cool ranch, guacamole, and nacho cheese and so on. I think that the casserole gets an awful rap because normally is not fun to even look at. I want to revolutionize the casserole for at least one holiday. The next thing on my list is to go ahead and conquer the rink at the city centre in Amsterdam.

Last Christmas I went to Amsterdam and out of fear walked away from the rink. I want to walk back into the rink and show those five year old Dutch kids that I too can hang. I just feel that my life would be incomplete if I did not impose my alpha male nature in this particular rink full of children. I really want to say "I did that." The last thing I want to do this holiday season is initiate a major snow ball war in the street, also in Amsterdam.

I want there to be snowball warfare because I love snow balls and chucking them at people. I want to be able to look at all the mess and pound my chest with great pride. I understand that there will be a lot of carnage, but hey that's life.

HOW I SAVED THE WORLD FROM THE MAYAN DOOMSDAY

There was a prediction in the Mayan Calendar that the world would end in 12/21/2013. This prediction was laughed at by many as the Mayans were unable to avoid their own demise. The Mayan Calendar did actually get some predictions about wars and what not correctly. Alas I must confess that they were right about the end of the world but they did not count on the fact that I would know how to save the world and each of the world's inhabitants.

At around midnight on 12/21 I saw something odd in the sky. Upon further investigation I noticed it was a flying saucer. I kid you not loyal readers I saw a flying saucer. I decided to follow it and I witnessed it land, out of it stepped a couple of weird little men wearing Tommy Bahama shorts and shirts. I automatically decided to follow them as they walked speaking an odd and kind of squeaky language made up of clicks and what have you.

It was a cold and festive night in the streets of Amsterdam and as I tailed them I noticed they stepped into the red light district. I realized they thought that the world was run by prostitutes. I thought that in a way they were right because all politicians are prostitutes in some respect. The weird litle men continued to knock on the doors of hookers in order to have a leadership summit.

I tailed them right into a cafe designed for those that indulge in the consumption of vast quantities of cannabis. I realized this could be either dangerous or really good. I decided to go ahead and enter the cafe and ask the attendant to provide them with several large brownies and a couple of large special cigarettes. The little men consumed said items with voracious desire and seemed to lose a great deal of orientation. The men went back to knock on the red light window and meet with the "leader." I made sure they were provided for by paying a substantial amount of money to ensure myself enough time to check their ship.

I went to the ship and noticed some missiles designed to destroy planets and horrified tried to disarm them. I knew that I could make this happen since the instruction manual was in English, Dutch, French, Japanese, and some backwoods Patua so I was lucky. I disarmed the missiles which looked an awful lot like nerf missiles. I went back to the red light district to check on the little men.

In fron of the door I saw a puddle of alien remains and realized that the little men were deathly allergic to hooker juice and weed. I know that there is a distinct possibility that at least 40% of this story may well be a mental fabrication while 30% maybe conjecture and another 30% maybe a total lie. The point is I saved the world in some way my friends.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!