THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL 101

Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday when you are a guest, when you are the host the situation is a bit different. Often times you have to stress over the turkey, aunt June will bring her hideous casserole, and the kids will make a horrible mess on their new thanksgiving themed turkey sweaters. In short thanksgiving is a hosting nightmare. I will cover the following topics: 

• Television
• Air conditioning
• Health
• Cleanliness
• The house pet
• The desired end result

All of this advice comes from one thanksgiving I had back in 1989 where I witnessed the start of a small national conflict. I recall the gathering was being hosted at an unusual place by people in the family whom I was not so acquainted with. In the end there were headaches, lost dogs, and hurt feelings, bless the memories. I can remeber the battle that ensued when the dog got out during a discussion about the George Bush administration.

I have taken the liberty to go ahead and give you a few tips on how to survive hosting a thanksgiving dinner. The first tip is to make sure that you have two TV sets, a large one with football on and a smaller one with the parades for the elderly. My next piece of advice is to keep the air on because if you don't there's a good chance your home will turn into a sauna. I would advice keeping some aspirin handy in order to deal with the pulsating headaches that you'll get as a result of the arguments that are sure to erupt over politics and religion.

On the cleanliness end I would advice you to use themed paper plates and plastic utensils, it seems that the messes created in thanksgiving are something else and no one is likely to aid you in the task of cleaning up. I would also say, make sure that your pets are secured because with the constant opening and closing of the doors there is sure to be an opportunity for Rusty the curious Chihuahua to step out for a sabbatical of sorts.

My last piece of advice on how to survive hosting a thanksgiving dinner is not to lose track of the occasion and have fun. Thanksgiving is a day for family; it celebrates the idea of togetherness. Make sure you really give thanks for your elders, your dog, the cranberries, themed sweaters and horrible casserole; because you never know when that will all go away.

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY..........................

I was reading an article about Jerry Sandusky's belief in his innocence. I think it's freaking funny that this guy actually believes he is some sort of saint. This guy loves young, supple butt and loves to give butt mentoring for kids. Sandusky is scum and his sudden "discovery" if God is funny as shit. People love to discover God the minute they fuck up. Pedophiles are pathetic and hateful individuals whose wolf in sheep's clothing attitude is beyond hateful. I hate Sandusky and I don't understand why he wants out of jail when he can engage in horseplay with naive young killers.

Sandusky is an asshole and no matter what letters he writes, he is still shit. What happened in Penn State is unforgivable and quite frankly this guy deserves to rot. I am sure that the letters Sandusky is getting are coming from up and coming pedophile looking to make an impact in the pageant and locker room circuit.

I think that Sandusky's story is one that will continue to be an interest piece. Perhaps Jerry will appear as Honey Boo Boo's Uncle Basement Feeler. I see Sandusky as one of those assholes that will likely become a media darling, a sort of poster boy for pedophile recovery. This guy reminds me of Sgt. Hatred from the Venture Brothers cartoon. Jerry, go pray, and please shove a shiv up your ass.

MY WISHES FOR TIM TEBOW

For the past three years Tim Tebow has served as more of a show pony than anything else. The quaterback has really been more of an anomaly as he is known more for his limited playing and core values than actual achievements. Everyone loves a little Tebow talk but it's not quite like Joe Montana talk or Terry Bradshaw talk. People would rather find out if he is still a pure soldier of the holy wars as opposed to a dirty devil. Given Tebow's current status with the Jets and given the idea that his short a lackluster career may soon be winding down to farm leagues such as the UFL I have ten wishes for Tebow to make his career last a little while longer.

1. Please do something insane like rent a limo full of hookers in order to get some attention for having an instinct.
2. Start a youtubeaccount where you condem both the Jets and the Broncos for not seeing you as the field prophet.
3. Come out on hte field one day with flour allover your nose screaming " I AM THE SECOND COMING."
4. Develop a nasty mean streak and foul the shit out of other players.
5. Next team you go to make sure to punch the coach in hte face and scream " I AM THE ALPHA MALE"
6. Show up on Kelly and Michael and challenge Michael Strahan to a dance off.
7. Facebook Tiki Barber's girfriend asking her if she wants to feel a little Tebow inside her.
8. Tell everyone that if The Beatles were bigger than God you are for sure bigger than The Beatles.
9. Tell your congregation you have decided to go Pagan.
10. Make sure that for every completion you scream "SERENITY NOW" to show everyone you are down with the trends even if said trends are from some 17 years ago.

That's right Tebow, be a rebel without a cause and clue and your career will be remebered as great comic relief for die hard sport fans that live pathetically through false idols.