MY HOLIDAY TO DO LIST

I love the holidays and like everyone else I have still yet to do a lot of things that I want to do. I guess this is my bucket list of thing that I want to do on the holidays. I first want to stuff a turkey, I have always feared stuffing a turkey because I was told as a child that the turkey could come to life and as a result it could devour my arm in anger. Once I have conquered the turkey I will move on to what's next.

I want to make a Dorito casserole with various flavors such as cool ranch, guacamole, and nacho cheese and so on. I think that the casserole gets an awful rap because normally is not fun to even look at. I want to revolutionize the casserole for at least one holiday. The next thing on my list is to go ahead and conquer the rink at the city centre in Amsterdam.

Last Christmas I went to Amsterdam and out of fear walked away from the rink. I want to walk back into the rink and show those five year old Dutch kids that I too can hang. I just feel that my life would be incomplete if I did not impose my alpha male nature in this particular rink full of children. I really want to say "I did that." The last thing I want to do this holiday season is initiate a major snow ball war in the street, also in Amsterdam.

I want there to be snowball warfare because I love snow balls and chucking them at people. I want to be able to look at all the mess and pound my chest with great pride. I understand that there will be a lot of carnage, but hey that's life.

THE ART OF THE NINJA SNEAKY BITCH

I have been fascinated by ninjas since I was young. To me there were always two types of ninjas, good ones and bad ones. I was thrilled every time I saw a ninja battle in television because it always had some sort of deep meaning behind it. In the 80's two things were hot and they were ninjas and cocaine. I am not sure about the later but hey cocaine was a staple of the Reagan era.

As I grew I began to understand more about ninja lore. A ninja was a mercenary that focused in unorthodox warfare. I guess it's fair to say that ninjas were not really driven by a moral compass so much as a sense of duty and accomplishing things at all costs. Now let's take part of that definition and apply it to a regular non-ninja type person also known as a sneaky person.

A sneaky individual is kind of like a ninja in the sense that you must expect the unexpected. Sure there is an ideal we formulate and yet the ideal is completely different from the actuality. So how does the average individual compare to a ninja ? This is an interesting conundrum that we can break down using common sense.

Let's say you invite someone into your home and they act like they are your best friend. You set the rules in order to avoid any misunderstanding. Let's lay out a top ten for the rules:

1. Don't eat my Doritos.
2. Flush the toilet twice after your poops.
3. Do not leave urine on the tile.
4. Do not create drama in my home. 
5. Do not have sex on the kitchen counter.
6. Do not mess with the cat.
7. Do not put pepper on my dog's genitals.
8. Don't you dare touch the pudding.
9. Do not friend my friends.
10. Do not talk about your foot fetish with the old lady in apt.# 13

So we have a top ten and somehow we want to believe our dear friend is an angel that will follow our rules because hey it's a friend. This assumption is where we fail to realize we are dealing with an artful ninja bitch. It matters not if this person is male or female. At the end of their stay your neighbor thinks you are a foot fetish type freak, your kitchen counter is pregnant, and the pudding has been fucked up beyond all recognition. The bottom line is that a ninja sneaky bitch can and will strike so you must be vigilant at all times. 

DO NOT FALL PREY!