SAVE BACON BACON

In the news today there was in interesting piece about a bacon restaurant shutting down because neighbors were complaining of the smell. This is the type of thing that makes me sad because I love bacon and bacon providers. To me it's a typical case of miserable assholes trying to figure out a way to complain about something that doesn't bother anyone. Bacon is a wonderful thing that makes people so happy and it even lengthens the life of some.

One person showed up to a hearing in order to complain about the place and I can imagine what the person looked like. I bet it was probably some 40' something vegan jackass. I imagine the person had hipster glasses and skinny jeans and wore a shirt that read Black Sabbath 76' and had one of those ascot looking hats. Perhaps the culprit was trying to make love to his left hand when suddenly the smell of bacon made him go flaccid.

I hope Bacon Bacon can survive this ordeal and successfully move forward. The world needs a place to fill its bacon needs. I need bacon burritos, bacon scampi, bacon burgers, bacon shakes, bacon pancakes, bacon everything. Let's ban together and save the bacon with the help of Kevin Bacon. I know I am reaching at this point but hey when dealing with bacon you must go very far.

YOU EVER GET THAT SHITTY FEELING?

You ever get that shitty feeling in the morning? Instead of Batman you feel like Robin. I cant quite explain it other than saying it's one of those things that makes your day almost impossible. In my case those days are few and far in between but when they happen it's like one series of events that just won't end, let's take a walk through those types of days.

You wake up and your back is screaming bloody murder. After you wake up you walk to the kitchen to realize that your orange juice is gone and then on top of that your eggs are not up to par and there is only one slice of bacon left making it impossible to have a solid breakfast. Once the breakfast is over you climb in the shower only to realize there is no warm water left and then you find out that you have 20,000 things to do that were not on the agenda.

Those days are Murphy's Law type days that seem to have a profound effect on a person's life and yet they are funny as hell when seen in hindsight. Holy blank cartridge Batman! I am literally experiencing ED. Okay maybe that's taking it too far but I think you get my point.

THE KNOW IT ALL

Ever find yourself dealing with a know it all? I find myself dealing with know it alls quite often and it never ceases to amaze me how people that know it all seem to have that shield against reality. I have multiple examples of know it all individuals and all of them have a deeply entertaining specialty that stands out in terms of their knowledge.

My first know it all is the know it all that cites statistics which have no real merit behind them. I love hearing how 37% of the time people that count to five will count to four twice because four plus four is equal to eight. I love it when statistics that make no sense whatsoever are applied to politics. A person who knows it all will say something like " 40% of the time a voter will vote for a better candidate because 20% of the time said voter will be unhappy with their previous choice." The statistics know it all usually has either a lisp or a horrible personality or both. A person citing statistics with no sense to them and putting them down as the law and rule of thumb is also usually incapable of achieving any sort of erection or sexual satisfaction. I understand that this happens at least 27% percent of the time all the time. As we move on through the journey we make our way to the know it all that specializes in history.

I have heard that Vietnam was an attempt by the US to hide aliens in the city of Da nang. I have heard that the moon landing was shot in a studio and I have heard compelling arguments made for Elvis Presley's current status as a secret CIA agent trying to rid the world of scum. I sit and listen to these theories because when a person states their case there is usually some sort of ridiculous and unproven fact that makes it impossible to walk away. The know it alls that try to talk about history will also say that it is "matter of fact" that while Eisenhower was in a toilet he contemplated a surprise attack on Canada in an attempt to corner the faux bacon market. Of course you cannot leave out the know it al that covers life in general.

The know it all that loves to act like he or she has a handle on zen philosophy is life's all purpose know it all. That know it all philosopher loves to throw out words like agnostic, pagan, vegan, syphilitic, atheist and so forth. What I love about this know it all is that they always have an answer to everything. You can ask this know it all about every subject from botox to douche bags and this person will always have an answer. The general know it all has a response to everything and is a self actualized human being. This person knows more than doctors, lawyers, plumbers, and architects. You can never get into a conversation with this person because you must listen to their wise words. I will now state my feelings with regards to know it all as a way to wrap up my little diatribe.

If you know it all you suffer from the following conditions:

1. Shit personality
2. Inferiority complex
3. Stupidity
4. Lack of social skills
5. Lack of interpersonal skills
6. Fishy taco
7. Erectile disfunction
8. Inability to spell
9. Inability to understand things when they are explained ad nauseam 
10. Bitterness
11. Jealousy

In the end know it alls will always be here in spite of their conditions and inability to see what ridiculous idiots they really are. I am thankful for the existence of know it alls because without them life would be dull and I would not be able to laugh with joy.