EVERYONE LOVES WHORE MONGERING BEARS

It's Ted and he's coming back in TED 2. I love this bear because he just doesn't give a shit and breaks all the rules. In this day and age of tepid political correctness we should all be more like Ted and drink, screw, and repeat. Okay there sensitivity peeps I'm joking but I do recommend watching this for the mindless and worry free entertainment it provides. Life as I see it, (pun) is just too short.

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY, THE DIRECTOR

There's always a guy that has this incredible ambition, the film ambition that cannot be cured. I think it's admirable to be ambitious but it's difficult when you are not as talented and completely blind. The truth about film is that it takes years to master the craft. Steven Spielberg started by directing episodes of Night Gallery and other shows and it was close to eight years before he hit his stride with Jaws. 

Film, like life, is a collaborative effort that requires multiple viewpoints eventually coming together as one. Sometimes this particular task is nearly impossible and yet it always happens. The idea of an Alpha Male coming around and telling everyone what to do without any real experience is absurd.

LET ME DEFINE PRODUCER MEETING

I remember once I was told that Starbucks was a great place for producer meetings. I was told this by a person who fancied herself a producer and writer but had no actual credit in the industry, unless hidden porn counts. I remember she would tell me about her producer meetings and try to give me advice on networking. I became increasingly annoyed simply because I never asked for advice and did not particularly care for it.

One day she was telling me about a meeting with a well known producer and I decided to ask how she secured this meeting and she responded " he came to Starbucks for coffee." I remember being thrown off and asking her to repeat. The response that I got was that if you sit and wait you can run into people, at fucking Starbucks.

I found that fascinating, because the truth of the matter is that, no matter what she thought, in normal folk world we call that stalking. A producer meeting is when the producer agrees to meet with you to discuss a collaboration. Stalking a person during their morning routine is not really getting a meeting. I remember this woman had some pretty creepy details about various personalities. This is why I go to Barnie's Coffee Kitchen.

TIME TRAVEL IS OFFICIALLY GANGSTA

Jay Z has finally mastered everything, I'm sure you're wondering what i mean when I say that.Jay Z was a great rapper, he became a media mogul and now he's mastered time travel. This picture (right) was discovered recently and it reveals a man that looks strikingly similar to the rap Moses. I think it is Jay Z and I believe that he's mastered the art of time travel. Finally some light is being shed on the reality of the entertainment conspiracy.

There is an elite cadre of performers that has been working jointly with the church of Scientology in order to further advance the work of L. Ron Hubbard otherwise known as G of the Krab Nebula. During his travels Jay Z has introduced rap to the etruscans, produced for Sun records and sampled the early work of Louis Armstrong. Ladies and gentlemen time travel is now gangsta.

While I don't actually have any proof of this conspiracy It's nice to speculate. I think this type of "news" item really has nor place in any publication, cyber or otherwise. I think we are really losing track of what's important when we give the ridiculous attention that it doesn't merit. The next item will be the existence of Dr. Who during Jack the Ripper times.

THE FUCKER IN THE BACK ROW

I love going to the movies but I really hate a lot of the people that also partake in said activity. I think it's safe to say that there are sections or groups that are certain to go to a movie theatre ready to really mess your day up just by virtue of their existence. Let me further elaborate on what I am trying to state here.

When you arrive at the box office the line is full of the visibly shitty crowd and it goes in a specific order. Toward the back you have a few punks that think they are tough thug like beings. Closer to the front you have the the four teen girls that look like prostitutes in training wearing clothes that reveal mosquito bite cleavage, lack of guidance, and no ass at all. As you scan it toward the front there is the family comprised of something like 5 kids all of them with ADD and a marriage composed of a two beings that despise one another.

While moving up it's easy to spot the senior citizens asking for a discount, popcorn refills, a low salt menu and a fucking map to the nearest bathroom. Once you get the tickets you get in line to pay at least 100 dollars for a small box of Nestle Snow Caps and some Gummy Bears that will be gone before the movie even starts. On the way to the theatre you go to the bathroom and have to wait for the kid having diarrhea and crying because his poops look like coca cola.

When you get to the theatre you sit and see the people coming in and settle down. Slowly but surely you realize you are in for a pre show as the teen bitches text, the family argues and the thugs terrorize the senior citizens. With this fabulous mix you at the kid that already has a sever case of the shits and you realize this may not be what you'd hoped for in terms of entertainment. When the movie starts the asshole in the back row starts kicking your seat, farting, and laughing loudly.

I think that is the worst part of the whole experience, the back fucking row. The ass, or wildcard is there ready to fuck up your life. For the next 90 to 120 minutes you dream of ways to kill this person's soul and desire for living only to later realize that your life was significantly shortened by one person's massive case of asshole. Yes I hate the fucker in the back row but for the sake of my sanity I have learned to tolerate him and I suggest others do the same for their enjoyment.